He

When I was 10 HE
said I was very
grown up. HE was driving
me home from church and HE pulled
the car into a grove of apple trees and asked
me to suck him. I did
not know what the word meant
but I learned. I was 14
when HE told
my mother I'd never be much
more than an average dullard. HE
was wearing a gray suit
and a yellow tie then. Still HE
was the same man
as the previous man and the future
man. HE
gave me a C then whispered
into my ear one afternoon
as I passed his room, "You're very
sexy." HE was driving
me home in HIS mind. HE took
off my bra and touched
my nipples. I was 19
and bleeding HIS fetus
all over the motel rug
when HE called and left word
with the desk clerk that I could give
HIM a call at Mike's Tavern after
I was finished. At 23
I was feeding HIS kids
oatmeal and raisins worrying
about the size of my stretch marks, the veins
as blue as the plaster Mary
in front of the Catholic's altar. HE stayed
away weekends on HIS boat
since HE was exhausted
working so hard in the real world
of money while I had it easy
diapering HIS brats. At 25
HE said I was very
sick. I ought to get professional
help. My nerves, like wires
on a tightly tuned violin. I heard voices
while HE laughed
with his buddies
about the size of my
sister's boobs. I caught him
phoning her one night
when she was 14. "You're very
sexy," HE said. At 35
I was ready to die. I was hoping
someone would save me. HE
convinced me that I was fat and not
nearly as nice as my skinny artist friends
whom he visited often
now that he was a writer
and HE was able to be a bohemian
on Fridays downtown
where their studios were. Pretty soon
I'll be 40, almost
old enough to shake
him
OFF MY BACK!

Terry Kennedy from Heart, Organ, Part of the Body (1981) return to list of links