| September2000 |
| "X" : The Movie! |
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| This month's rant is sort of a rant/review, but that's necessary to describe this horrible depressing little piece of anime theatre. My advice to all those who are looking at it, or thinking of getting it, is that if you're having a good day, don't watch it. It'll all bum you out for the rest of the day. Warning: There are spoilers ahead, so if you actually were thinking of watching it, watch it first and then come back and read this. However, my recommendation is to read this first and be sufficiently warned. Spoilers are necessary because in order to truly rant about this flick, you must delve into it's, uh, plot. Essentially, the plot can be summed up like this: Kamui is your slightly strange main character guy, who doesn't really care about anything but wants to protect his best friend and this girl who he really likes, apparently. Well, problem is, the end of the world is coming. The dragons of earth want it to happen, the dragons of heaven want to stop it. Kamui must choose one side; trouble is, whichever side he picks, his best buddy has to pick the other side by some powerful destiny. Well, we're introduced to all the dragons of heaven (who appear as people with super powers) and their counterparts, the dragons of earth. But the plot can truly be summed up by this: Everybody dies. Period. Everybody except for the one main character. The worst part is, they are casually offed with no glorious death scenes or bravado so common in anime and well deserved for such cool characters as this movie boasts. Also, once your favorite character is executed mercilessly in an offhand manner, they're gone. Forgotten. No further mention of them for the remainder of the movie. Now don't get me wrong, when I first began to watch the movie, I loved it. The plot was kinda neat, but the truly cool thing about it was the characters. The characters, both good and bad, were awesome, well-developed and the kind that inspire posters and shrines so common in anime-dom. Well, therein lies the true problem (horror) of this movie. You're watching it, thinking: Hm. Well, this is pretty cool. The plot is a little wierd, but man, look at these characters. I particularly like that redheaded chick with the sword and all the living ribbons, and that casually-dressed guy who's the toughest of the cast. But really, all of them are so neat. <<WHACK>> Hm...one of them just got killed. Man, that was a little callous. Well, it happens, and there are so many other characters to root on...<<WHACK>> Hm. Well, crap, there goes another. What's with them getting killed off so quickly? <<WHACK>> aw, man, he was a bad guy but he was cool! What's with this <<WHACK>> 'kill off all the <<WHACK>><<WHACK>> characters' bit? <<WHACK>> Dammit!! Y'know, there's a 4-hour version of this movie, but I refuse to watch it. Essentially, I'd just get more attached to the characters before they were casually wasted and moved along. I mean, some of the deaths are truly wrong. For example, at one point, two villians and a couple of heroes are fighting in a parking garage to a building, one of them misses with an energy blast...KABOOM the building falls on the whole lot of 'em and they're all killed. 3-4 gone. Then, arguably the two coolest characters in the movie, both heroes (and the ones mentioned above in last section) are fighting the big villian guy. The cool, charismatic and casually dressed guy, realizing he cannot defeat him, expends all his life energy in one great final heroic cataclysm that basically kills him in the process and does...NOTHING!!! Absolutely NOTHING as the unscathed villain laughs and cuts him down from midair. 'Nuther one gone. As he's laying on the ground, he says his final words to the redheaded chick who had so much style and was such a good fighter. Midway through, the girl stiffens with an 'urk', and the camera pans up...to show the villain impaling her on his sword, she dies, he walks away. Nuther one gone. Then there's this 'cute little girl' with a dog that's a spiritual guardian. Towards the end, the plucky young 'little sister' type wants to do her part. My impersonation of her great debut: "No, don't, you'll be killed!" "I have to do my part! I've just been standing around, I wanna be a hero!" [runs and leaps into battle] <<WHACK>> [is immediately executed and flung back to where she jumped from] "Told you!" 'Nuther one gone. Dog howls and then vanishes. When I first saw it, I said "If she gets killed that'll just be in poor taste". Well, guess what. These are just some of the 'worst of' list of character executions. But the truly inexplicable depressing bit comes from Kamui and the two people he wanted to save. OK, final impersonation of the rant: Kamui and friends in X:1999 30 second theatre! (start timing): "Boy I like you guys. You guys are cool." "Hey, you're a dragon of heaven now. Well, 'cause of that destiny, I'm now a dragon of earth." "Man, that sucks." "Hey, that big superspiritual power sword is hidden in that girl you're trying to protect, Utena style. I need it." "Hey, wait, crap, what're you--" <<Splrch>> [tears sword out of girl's chest] "Well, while I'm at it, might as well cut her head off." "Hey, wait, what're you--" <<THWACK>> "Auughh this really sucks!!!!" [holds severed head, bawls, severed head ruins perfectly good school uniform] "Hey, I'm all kinds of psycho now! I'll kill you, Kamui! Yaaaa!" [runs at Kamui] "Hey, no, wait, all I ever wanted to do was protect you guys! It's bad enough that she's dead, I don't want to kill you too!" "YAAA!!!" "No, wait, this sucks! I don't wanna -" <<THWACK>> [accidentally severs best friends head, which sails through the air and lands in his lap.] "Aw man, this REALLY sucks! All I wanted to do was protect my two friends and now look they're both dead and they're the only thing I ever cared about and I even killed one of them myself and all the other characters worthy of mention are dead and I'm the last one left alive!" [holds friend's severed head, cries, credits roll]. Yep, that's it folks. Sucks, dudnit? At least armageddon was prevented...or you presume so, since it ends right there. So, in conclusion, I don't know what happened. CLAMP is such a shojo style anime company; where precisely in the hell this came from is beyond me. If you do decide to watch it, my advice is to have a couple of tapes of something really sugary cutesy like Azakukin Cha-Cha on hand to clear that crap out of your system. Well, I hope you have all been sufficiently forewarned (we should all help each other out ^_^). Until next time, ja matte ne! ~~Dan H. |
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