The X-File Taping Speech
Confused? Read The Original Suncreen Speech
Ladies and gentlemen of ATXF:
Tape the show.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, taping would be it. The long-term benefits of taping have been proven by people who can re-watch episodes at will, whereas the rest of the people must give their answers on something no more reliable than their own memories (and we've all seen JCFOS) I will now ramble on about other things.
Enjoy the power and beauty of Season Six. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of Season Six until the show is cancelled. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at tapes of Two Fathers and One Son and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous it really looked. Mulder was not as much of a jerk as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future movies. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to stop a train with a gun. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you as you dicuss the 12th grade love of your life over a glass of red wine.
Watch one episode every day that scares you.
Sing Joy to the World.
Don't be obsessed, be focused. Don't put up with people who tell you otherwise.
Floss, especially if you have fangs.
Don't waste your time on getting attached to secondary characters. Sometimes they live, sometimes they die. The race is long and, in the end, only Mulder and Scully need to survive.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, flame wars can be stamped out.
Keep the posts that make you laugh. Ignore the trolls.
Stretch. (so as not to get a cold mouse hand.)
Don't feel guilty if you want to focus your life on the X-Files. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 that the X-Files would change their lives. Some of the most close minded 40-year-olds I know still don't get it.
Get a good ISP. Be kind to your computer. You'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe Mulder and Scully will marry, maybe they won't. Maybe they'll have children for X-Files: The Next Generation, maybe they won't. Maybe they'll quit the FBI at 40, maybe they'll dance to Walking in Memphis on their 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever they do, don't give up the ship, but don't force the ship either. Their future is left up to the whim of CC. We have no say.
Enjoy Mulder's body. Gaze at it every chance you get. Don't worry about what other people think of the hands. It's the one of the greatest bodies you'll ever see on TV.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but on the road to Graceland. Read the directions, but listen to Mulder, he's always right, at least while driving. Do not read the tabloids. They will only make you feel like a peeping tom.
Get to know your mother and her vacuum cleaners. Try to find out who your father really is. Be nice to your siblings. The guilt can be overwhelming if they are abducted by aliens or killed by ineffectual assassins.
Understand that philosophical dead guys come and go, but the lone gunmen, you should hold onto. Work hard to keep Morgan and Wong off the writing staff, because the crazier the myth-arc gets, the more likely it is that they will kill off Frohike.
Live in New York City once, but leave before Marita propositions you. Live in Vancouver once, but leave before you drown in the the 700 inches of rain per day.
Travel to Tunisia.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Someone will ask why Mulder puts an X on the window. Others will make up wild answers. You, too, will get jaded. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were a newbie, questions were intelligent, posters were helpful, and everyone followed proper nettiquette.
Respect CC.
Don't trust anyone. Maybe you have a trust fund set up from the wealth your father accumulated in the state department. Maybe you'll have a partner. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 38, people will start calling you names like weedwacker.
Be careful whose bloopers you buy. Be patient and kind to those who post them on alt.binaries.x-files. People who sell bloopers on eBay tend to dub them a thousand times till the quality is poor and sell them for more than they're worth.
But trust me on the taping.
There have been