What is pink and hard in the morning? The Financial Times crossword!

I do the same as you have my breakfast and nothing...." The 90 year old says I have a problem too. "What's that?" asks the 70 year old "can't you piss properly?". The 90 year old replied "I p*ss like a race horse at 8 every morning and curl one out half an hour later". "So whats your problem?" asks the 80 year old? "I don't get up until 10 o'clock"

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot. "What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute  steal at only 20 quid" "Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks "Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity" "Oh,I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the  parrot looks  around and squawks at the woman "F*ck me, a f*cking new brothel and a f*cking new madam". "I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop. A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam,  and now new f*cking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their filthy new pet. A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well f*ck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new f*cking whores, but the same old clients. "How's it hanging,Dave?" says the parrot.

One day a little boy comes bounding in from the back garden and runs straight to his mother. Son: Mum, are birds made of metal? Mother: Of course not, why do you ask such a silly thing? Son: It's just dad's outside and he said he wants to screw the a*se off the bird next door!

Three nuns go to heaven and find themselves in front of Saint Peter outside the Pearly Gates. "Hello sisters" said Peter, "before you come in you must each answer a question". Peter asked the first nun: "Who were the first man and woman?" "Adam and Eve" she replied. "Well done, you may enter" said Peter. "Where did Adam and Eve meet?" "In the Garden of Eden" said the second nun. "Correct, you may enter" said Peter. Peter turned to the third nun and said "As you are Mother Superior, your question will be a little more difficult.... "What did Eve say to Adam when they first met?" The Mother Superior looked puzzled and said "Hmmmmm, that's a hard one!" "Welcome to Heaven!!!" said Peter.

A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Darling, do you remember this?" He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "That's right. Do you remember what yo said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asked. He responded, "As I remember, I said, ‘Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out.’ " She giggled and said, "Yes Darling, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."

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