Don't be the victim of domestic violence!!

This is one of the most dangerous, and covert, forms of abuse seen today. First, let's start with the Domestic Violence Handbook's definition of domestic violence: A learned pattern of behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control the other person. The partners may be married, or not, gay or lesbian, living together, separated, or dating.

The first thing I want you to notice about this definition is that it is gender unbiased. In other words, men can be victims of abuse just as easily, though not as common, as women. That having been said, the reality is that nearly 1 in 3 adult women experience at least one physical assault by a partner during adulthood (American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force). 90 - 95% of domestic violence victims are women, with the age group 19 - 29 reporting more violence by intimates than any other age group (Bureau of Justice Statistics). Estimates range between 1 million (Bureau of Justice Statistics) and 4 million (American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force) assaults on American women by intimates each year, yet only one in seven are ever brought to the attention of law enforcement (Fla. Governor's Task Force on Domestic & Sexual Violence).

The problem with keeping accurate statistics is that most women do not consider themselves "abused" or "battered", according to the Domestic Violence Handbook. Pure and simple, abuse is about isolation and control. It's about forcing someone else to do what you want him or her to do, and it is not defined by one hit, but rather a pattern of events. Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, economic, stalking and/or criminal. The violence can happen all the time, or once in awhile. "Battering is never an accident. It is an intentional act used to gain control over the other person. Physical abuse is only one part of a whole series of behaviors an abuser uses against his partner. Violence is never an isolated behavior."

Symptoms of Abuse - Threats; Power Misuse; and Control. Click the Symptoms of Abuse link to view the signs of domestic violence, and take a little quiz.

Remember that one isolated incident does not make your relationship abusive. It is based on a pattern of abuse that spans many categories. All too often the abuse is compounded by alcohol or drug abuse. Another point to make here is that abuse is generally a gradual process of mind control. The abuser will slowly start to isolate the victim from friends and family while limiting their exposure to the outside world (i.e. newspapers, television, internet, books, etc.). If you are with someone who starts to question everywhere you go and who you talk to, let this be a red flag to get out NOW!!! And one thing to remember, jealousy is not cute, and it does not show that he/she cares. It is a symptom of a very insecure, potentially controlling individual. Another red flag.

Any fathers who may be reading this, please understand that your daughter's relationship with you is what will determine whom she seeks out as mates for the rest of her life. She gets her self-esteem from you. If you are physically, mentally or sexually abusive to her, you are shredding her self-esteem and she will seek out abusers for the rest of her life. The pain you inflict now will have long standing consequences that will affect every aspect of her adult life. Abuse is a cycle. Help break that cycle so your child won't have to grow up with the pain that you did. Take the time to nurture and build your child's self-worth, male or female. These are the tools that they will go out into the world with and use when trying to establish themselves. Set good examples for them in your relationships. Avoiding fighting in front of them, but if they see you having an argument, make them understand that they are not the ones at fault. Take an interest in their schooling and activities and for Pete's sake, hug them at least once a day and tell them you love them.

I hope this article has made you stop and evaluate your relationship. Do you feel like an equal in your relationship? Now I am not naïve, and I understand that the victims who need this information the most are not going to get it, but maybe those of you who do read this, and recognize someone you know, you can get them this information and get them the help they need. No one deserves to live like a second class citizen.

Click here for domestic violence resources.