Fishy Fishy II

I came home from Petsmart and felt a wave of sickness gush over me. I am a loving person, one who cannot in good consciousness harm an animal. Well, maybe Pigeons. Anyway, I was in quite the predicament – save Stan by using some feeder fish to Cycle my tank, in the process possibly killing the feeder fish, or doing nothing and possibly killing Stan. What was a girl to do?

I called up my friend Sara, who was a Fishy Expert.

“Sara, HELP. I need to cycle my tank, but I can’t buy ammonia, and I don’t want to kill the feeder fish”.

Silence.

“Sara? Are you there”.

“Leslie, what the HELL are you talking about?”

“MY FISH TANK”.

“Honey, you are insane”.

Ok, so maybe I was a little fanatical with this whole thing. I calmly explained my situation to Sara, and she informed me that many types of fish could easily survive the cycling process, especially in a small tank. In fact, she tells me, Stan would probably be ok after a day or so of cycling. AND Stan would get along with certain fish used to cycle!

WHOOPIE!!! That was great news. I hurried back to Petsmart, bought three little Whiteclouds (recommended by Sara), and hurried home to start the magic of cycling.

Ok. Someone should have told me that cycling is BORING as hell. I really don’t know what I was expecting, but god damn it was torture. Watching these teeny tiny fish swim around in a virtually empty tank, waiting for them to crap up a storm is not my idea of a good ‘ol time. I’m not suggesting that I actually sat there and watched the fish take a poop, but sheesh –I was itching to put Stan into his new home!

Finally after 3 days I lost patience and dumped Stan in the tank. He lived a long, happy life, full of exciting trips swimming around in circles. This little story proves that reading too much about a topic can be harmful. I turned me into a fanatical wreck for about a week, all for nothing! So kids, don’t read too much. (I’m KIDDING for goodness sake!)

After a week of pure Fishy bliss, I noticed some green fuzzy stuff growing inside my tank. “WHAT THE HELL” I yelled to my roommate the first day I noticed the stuff growing. “Is that Algae? What the heck am I supposed to do about this crap”?

Another trip to Petsmart.

I was planning on buying something called an “algae eater”. I was guessing the thing ate algae. (Hey, they don’t call me swifty for nothing!) I was also hoping that it wouldn’t interfere with Stan. I was looking at the algae eaters, admiring how cute they were when a sales associate asked if she could help me. I gladly told her of my problem.

The sales associate told me that an algae eater would be just fine in a tank with a beta and three whiteclouds, but gasped when I told her how large my tank was.

“Umm, you can’t have all those fish in that small tank. They will produce too much ammonia”.

…….. (deep breath)

WHAT THE HELL? DIDN’T I WANT AMMONIA NOT TOO LONG AGO? IS THIS SOME KIND OF NASTY TRICK? I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW ONE MINUTE I NEED AMMONIA AND FREAK OUT BECAUSE I CAN’T GET THE STUFF, AND NOW THIS STUPID SALES ASSOCIATE IS TELLING ME THAT I HAVE TOO MUCH AMMONIA? WHY THE HECK DID I EVER GET A FISH IN THE FIRST PLACE? I NEED TO GET A PAPER BAG, BECAUE I AM GOING TO HYPERVENTALATE IN A SECOND. I HATE FISH, I HATE FISH I HATE FISH I HATE FISH…..

…… (deep breath)

“Oh, well I have an algae problem, what do you suggest”

“A large snail will help control the algae. And you are in luck – we are having a sale!”

A snail? I looked over at the ‘snail tank’ and almost puked. It was filled with the most wretched looking balls of slime, all moving in different directions. BLAH. I looked closer, and I could see that they all had little ugly snail faces, with three long antennae things coming out of their heads. Nasty.

I was so ticked off – I wanted an algae eater. But that little snotty looking snail would have to do. I sighed, and asked the sales associate to give me one snail.

On the way home I decided I should name the little thing. I turned on the radio, intending to name it after the first song that I heard. “Heads High” by Mr. Vegas was playing off of a CD. Hummmm, I already had a fish called ‘Vegas’ (I named one of the whiteclouds in the same manner. I guess I need to get a new CD to listen to).

Then my mind started to wander. “I really like Mr. Vegas. I especially like that song about a Ho. What’s it called again? ‘Dirty Ho’? HAHAHA I should name that stupid snail Dirty Ho, after the song. She is kinda dirty, eating the algae stuff that grows on the side of the tank. HAHAHA that’s settled. My snail is Dirty Ho.”

I didn’t realize how accurate that name was, until a few weeks later Dirty Ho gave birth to 2048203482048204820342048204 babies. I named them all the “HoHo’s”.

All of my fish lived happily ever after. Until they died. Well, actually its 2 years later, I still have the whiteclouds, and I have expanded to a 20G tank filled with healthy fish, frogs, and a HUGE algae eater named Boober. I have the small tank holding baby fish. So, I guess I turned out to be a pretty good Fishy Mama after all!