7-23-07

Today was a busy day, sorta. I was planning, cleaning out the computer room, which will now be my room. I'm infatuated with face book, sorta as well. I haven't heard from many people lately. Only Kay. I guess as my personality changes, so does my interests in people. I like talking to her alot, though she talks alot, very cheerful and happy, even though all she talks about is guys and how much she wants to loose weight, lol. My mom said I'm 5 lbs over weight... great. Then that's my goal right? I'm going to loose it by next week, those 5 pounds. And If I don't, well... I'm going to try harder the next week for another 5 pounds. If possible at least. The only way I'll probably loose all that, is starving myself, which people don't want me to do. What am I doing right now? Listening to music: sixpence, kiss me; and just finished sanding the wall in the computer room. Since I'm going to paint it teal ice on one wall and cabbage green on the other, it will be parallelled from each other. Fun colors! springy and what not. I like being fun too. I try ^.^ it's better than not. Cabbage Green may sound a bit of a intimidating color but it's almost minty looking so it should turn out how I like it. I was even going to do orange! O.O Hah, I don't think my mom would like it. But teal ice is such a calm color, It's my favorite color now. All I have to do now is wipe down the walls and vacum the remnants of the sanding that I did. I was talking to my dear Kay the whole time too. At least I was occupied, and I was happy because I don't think I do give her the attention as a friend I should give. Though taking about her future husband to a hollywood singer star that she has never even met before who also have other girls that the person has never seen before have that same competion seems a bit ridiculous. I don't even think about guys like that anymore, probably when I was little, but not as much, I don't think. I mean, there's eye candy. Look, but you don't touch. Best kind, and I'm satisfied. Relationships are complicated anyways. Plus, the guy that i'd like would never like me back lmao... perfection in a guy is complicated as well. I knoooow I'm not perfect, but you know, can't hurt to imagine a good looking guy that you'll never get your hands on. Hah, wishful thinking. Annnnnyways, grrrrrness. I should really take out all the furniture before I do anything else. There's only a few desks left in the room and a cabinet. There's alot of stuff in the closet still, but that will be my closet, even if it's so small. I'll probably take all that stuff out and stuff my junk in there and it'll look like it is now. Very messy. Most of the stuff in this room is Andrews, and I don't think Andrew knows about it, the painting project I mean. We sorta just planned it up recently, for me to switch rooms at least. I get a wooden floor from a carpet. In the winter i'll probably have cold feet. It used to be my room anyways, but I remember it when it has carpet though, and my walls were pink to match my barbie theme. The Otakon this past weekend was fun, though I lost my little darkie, I was depressed for awhile, it's just material as always.

7-18-07

Just because one says so, doesn't mean it has to be. About this numb thing... yeah, it continues. I definetely have no lead, and I just feel empty about everything. I mean I act things out as I go along because what else am i suppose to do. It makes people worry. I actually don't like making people worry. It sucks. For once I would like to just do something for myself. I have no energy to do things, and I always think things are going to happen on there own. They sometimes do though. By another force yeah. But usually I feel like I don't have a choice. Why can't I do something without being questioned? I'm not quite sure, but I wish people would leave me alone. Especially my mom. When I'm actually DOING something, she'll be like "what are you doing? and why?" leave me alone woman, jeez. I wish for my own peace, of loneliness and solitude. I don't have people up on my back telling me what to do and why I have to give a explaination when I don't want to. She always sounds like she's scolding me when I do things, and I always ignore her but she's always lecturing me and I just don't care. Yeah, I wonder why it goes through one ear and out the other. I heard it a million times, just shut up because it's obviously not getting to my head. Lost respect to the people who I grew up with and made me. Lost total respect. I don't have anyone to look up too. Everything is changing too; the people I grew up with, I don't even know them anymore. I don't even know what friendship means anymore. Life sucks, sure it does, it's not perfect. Mostly everyone hates the bad parts of life deep inside but keeps a sustainable front about it. Well most people do. what's happening to me? I don't understand anything anymore, or either that, I don't want to understand anythings anymore. why? Because it hurts and when I learn about it, I can't do anything about it, and then it hurts even more. I can't do anything. nothing. about anything. It's sad, but true. My life is controlled by the nothing inside me. How does a nothing control something in general? The something becomes nothing too and it is that nothing.

2-24-07

Life in general is just confusing... Numb and i don't even know it... Dead minded and confused... Don't know what to do. But! I know that I hate myself. I'm fat and ugly. Proven... by whom? The mirror. Other than that, I don't know how to think or what to do anymore.

9-16-06

Life is BS. Probably the only thing that makes me happy in life is the fact that I would have to power to make another world in my head, and manipulate reality in to something completely different; and magically abnormal that it defies all possible logic or basis. But what's wrong about it, is that; It's the only thing I can use it for anything. So... Dreaming the unnatural is my ultimate passion. Likes: ~Silly Random words like Jello or ketchup. ~Dreaming, what I do half of my time. ~Videogames, takes up my life. ~Adorable animals b/c they're cuddly and cute. ~Change could be good sometimes, depending. ~Choclate mint ice cream, yummy. ~Chocolatechip mint shakes. ~Being lazy, but I'm almost sloth If I think about it. ~Friends, they give me energy to use and also lovable... at times. ~Anime! Manga! Naruto, fruits basket, bleach, Excel saga, Demon diary, ranma .5 and the old ones too. (I'm only naming a few). ~Bubbles. ~Explore!. ~Coconut cream pie. ~Chocolate (mint). ~Delicious Frappicinos (mocha). ~Big stuffed animals, squishy love. ~I like puzzles or obstacles, just not really hard ones that are impossible to get through for the average mind, (I tend to like to cheat somehow on those kinds of things). ~Being sexy, for myself, heheh, I'm concieted, sorta. ~I like to understand situations. ~Music is like another world to ecsape to. ~Classical-with an edge, like trans siberan orchestra. ~Figuring things out. ~My motto is awesome: Judge the Soul, Not the Shell (completely different meaning than, don't judge a book by it's cover). ~Stars, they tell millions of more stories besides the place and world, where we live, of almost eternity more worlds out there. ~I used to like typing stories. ~Poetry. ~Marick~ ^.^ ~Weirdness is a unique understanding of being different, and is the normal peoples enemy. ~Being Creative #1 lovable thing on me. ~The color Black and the color green-blulish baby blue(it's like a teel). ~Food and sleep. Dislikes: ~I'm very vague talking about certain things or don't care, unless I'm into it with compassion. ~I can be a wimp sometimes, especialy with bugs. ~I don't like myself problems. ~I forget alot. ~I'm shy, b/c I'm scared. ~I tend to be driven by self want or and emptyness inside me, so I stare at people with blank stares. ~I'm quiet, b/c you're going to steal my knowledge. ~I don't like people who stare at me intently b/c I feel they're trying to read my mind, so I stop thinking (please don't make me do that, I want to think). ~Mood-swings (Mine and others). ~I'm sesitive about what certain things people say and how they say it, it makes me annoyed. ~People that asumes (I do it, I know, but not anymore or as much). ~Blueberries. ~Hypocrites. ~People that think they know what they're talking about, but then can't back it up. ~Change is bad most of the time though. < ~Being lazy. ~Betrayal, hate it. ~My pictures (I seriously look better in person). ~I'm not sure about things most of the time, it's not my fault if you call me stupid when I ask. ~Lack of compassion for things. ~I'm impatient. ~Judgement and people Judging me on how they see me, b/c they really can't see me. ~Bad dreams (though sometimes they're cool to an extent). ~I hate myself. ~I laugh in the face of truth sometime, I should accept it more often, though is the nature of a human to look for proof. ~I "used" to like typing stories. (I gave up). ~I hate giving up, which I do too easily. ~I'm very picky with trusting people. ~People that only thinks about themselves and how they feel. (I do that some times). ~I lack effort. ~Eating too much food. ~I speak before I think. (hahaha, due to nervousness really >.> depends who you are and what I'm doing). ~I try not to be competetive because I know I'll loose.

8-29-06

OI! Ok, I get to go to a new school this school year, annnnnnd... well, I don't

know how I feel, but we'll see what happens. I always feel blah inside or almost

empty, but something is there, it's just hidding. Beddow high school, the

montasorie school. I'm glad I'm out of Ryken though, it made my head spin. It

change my mind set, to off. AWAY you scally wags! argh! In a week I'm suppose to

start, 7 days from now, which today is a tuseday and next week is a tuseday. I'm

below 130 lbs, surprisingly, I never thought I'd go down as far as 130. 128.5 it

was. Mum says it looks unhealthy though. We were going to get a puppy, but now

we're not unfortunately. Thinking about it and having one made me happy, and I

actually had something I'd like to do to have responisbility for it, but no, she

doesn't want one, a last minute no. So I can now think normally again, lazy as

always. I was really hoping. But my hope doesn't last very long in some

circumstances, which throws me in a the gutter. Hard. with lots of mud and dirt

and leaves and gooey yellow stuff added over time stuck in there. yucky really.

They say never give up, but I like to look foreward on things, and if I know

that this selfish desition was to take place, then mum would be broke I suppose.

I'd get job, but where? transportation? I dunno. I don't care anymore. I like to

give up because I usually loose in the end. It's happened a couple times already

because I kept trying and I don't like it, so I'd stay in the gutter... for now.

I've been cleaning the house and bro is at college, and mum in work, while, I'm

at home, watching the last days of summer go by. I wish they were fun. I'm not

very good at being fun though, even if I tried. I'm alone too. well, I'm

exploring the internet, listening to music, and daydreaming and such. I do it

all the time, it's kind of boring really. I do the same thing everyday, life is

very tiring and hatefull when it comes to this. I'm a really bad driver, and my

concentration skillz on the road couldn't be worst. I get dizzy easily, and

lightheaded... all the time, for now and then.I wonder if I'll be a loner again

at my new school? little few children, I dunno, we'll see. You see, people can't

see the situation I'm in so they don't care about me, because I'm also quiet

about it. Also, I don't care much about half of the things I do anymore because

I've seen about myself do things the same a million time more than I'd want to

do. All I want to do is sleep for eternity. Or maybe not be at all. Someone is

honking outside, they need to shush, it's too loud. In my head, typing the words

down sound british, and I have a british accent in my head. It sounds cool too.

What I really do need to work hard on is doing what I need to do in school, k? I

know I'd just slack off though. It's quite ovbious too. Look at me, I'm bored of

life, I'll just say fuck this and then go off and daze out of a window or go in

my-room and pace around daydreaming to my music. I suppose in life you're

suppose to struggle, but I'm not struggling. I'm trying to avoid it. Later on in

life I know I'll regret it though. that's why I need to 'not be', 'will be' or

'has been'. In other terms, not exsist. But I am, and it sucks. I think

therefore I am, which suck major ass. Soooo, putting aside every problem aside,

I should take a shower. showers make me feel clean outside and fresh.

~stephie~

6-11-06

It's already june and I'm in my "empty form". THANK GOD school is over and I have time to rest my mind. Think things over and etc. Is there by chance any inital improvement in Stephanie's thought process or behavior? I am trying to firgure that out. It's hard because I don't sense myself here at all even though as I type this down, I know my physical form is here, just not my mental soul form. I've been sick for a while now and it's clogging up my mind. As school ended, I tried really hard to study in all my exams, and by chance my mother said, if I passed I MIGHT get a puppy. I want to pass, I NEED to pass, or else I might not even go to that school my mom signed me up for. Instead I might go to gwen park if that's the case. So far I was really siked know that I might get a puppy, I bought all these little things for it. A hair brush, a toy, little food snacks, two bowls for food and water, and even a toothbrush! I was going to clean the basement, but I need to know where mum wants her things because she gets picky when it's replaced in a certain area. So that's on delay right now, so I've been playing video games for the first few day of summer break, which I like to do, it's my hobby. I could be a video game designer, that would be totally awesome. Oh yeah, I'm trying to find the things I like to do, to trying to "find" myself somewhere wandering around. If I by chance can't get my doggy, I'm getting a gothic lolita dress and a kari cosplay and I'm going to loose weight because of fitting into the clothes. Get a puppy become happy and go to a expensive school, or buy gothic lolita and become anerexic then go to gwen park. It's as if I'm describing which side I want to join. Join the good side or joing the evil side. Well, obveiously fate of my grades will have to decide that for me. So right now I need to relax and still to my summer goals. Loose weight anyways, clean for the puppy(if by chance I can get one, hopefully), and find myself. though my mom is probably going to give me alot of consequennces and I usually just take them when she give them and try to follow through on them as I go along. i have two sets of bubbles on both sides of me, one container is shaped like a ice cream cone and the other one is a normal miracle bubbles container, open lid, close lide kind, and it's orange. Can you tell which side it's on which? this is for me, on future reference... when I get bored. A good friend to me is someone who is worried about what you're going through instead of just letting it go. I have a friend like that, he's a guy, but kinda awkward. I met him in weight training class. He likes Shannon... SHE"S MINE! ok, I love shannon, but not to that point. I said to him, something I like, is always my weakness. In all points of my life. He's like a good brother. He's asking me to draw some picture's for him in his comic he created, I won't do as good as some of my friends can, but I can try, he's really depending on me. my room is not calming!!! it avrigates me, the ttinting is not rigt and the borders drive me crazy and my furniture, we don't have time to go to ikea yet! but in due time my friend. VICTORIA!!! she hates me, and it's funny. Has anyone heard of Marik lately, that stud. I went to West virginia a week ago, finding out kay is not there, but we went for Ronald's graduation. O_O wow. ok, well I had lots of fun anywaysy, i had the 'coolest' time. That's how I was all weekend, because I still had the though ronald hated me or such. now he's much nicer. Other than that, my school ended on tuseday during last week and now it's the weekend for me. I had some informal and formal good-byes but there a chance I'll see some of them again soon, or maybe not at all (hehe), you never never know. damn, I keep on coughing and dying, then coming back alive every few seconds.So I missed kay, I would have loved to see her, and now that it's summer, there' too many people (friends) that want to hang out some time because they won't see me anymore. I dunno what to do, should I make appiontments? I don't like going out because I'm paraniod of people in general, you never know what they might do to you. during the week, I think on wensday, my mom brought us out to alexandria to walk around because I was feeling down about the pup, earlier in the day we went to the mall with Kristine and Cathy. that's when I bought all the stuff at petsmart for the dog, instead of buying things for myself at the mall, because now adays money is limited unless I get a job. job... I dunno If I could get one anymore I can try though. at other places... in virginia we sat down right when we got ther and this guy just started talking to us with his cigar, it was disturbing me even though he asked if it was bothering me. I said no, of course. he was a local and there was all these tourist that really seemed to bother him because he only lived a few blocks away from the dock. We were in the same area a week before with my dad, but we got to go on a tour bout around the wilson bridge, it was cool, but I HAD to go and call kay at the beginning of the take off and talked to her the whole time. I love her but you need time and patience to talk to her. ALOT of time. Right when I do something she calls, so it's hard to shoo her away once you start talking. sooo right after the one hour boast trip, i told her about all the sights I saw as we went down the river. It was beautiful and the breeze made it better, it was cool, the sun was shining and the scenery was great. I still feel fat though. So when we were at alexandria with my mom this time, kay called me this time in the same area surprisingly, then when we went home we ate icecream at hovermales. great icecream place. I just realized I like to hurt people. yesterday I was lazy, today I dunno, I'll se what I'll do, it's only 8 o'clock in the morning. since I used to wake up really early for school I still do, i woke up like around 5 to 7 o'clock. I don't like to stay up unless I do something on the internet, but if I use AIM I don't like talking to people, maybe I should dive right in. my thighs are fat, I need to excercise. I have a puppy find though, it's a jar full of coins, only half way filled though. my ears hurt, I'm might have swimmers ear again. I keep coughing up green plhem, ew. that means something is inflected in my system. maybe I need some anti bacteria medicine. well, we'll see what will happen the next month or so.

5-18-06

I never felt so fat in my life... It's depressing. I lost weight at one point, now I just keep eating food. *sigh* I decided that my future occupation, I should join the military, the 'aka' army. The U.S Army. I have nothing better to do in life so why not give my life away to the arts of war, ya know. It sounds better than suicide, and in plus, it'll buff me up... I'm too weak. I think my grandpa was in the military, he said something about being in some kind of "force" before... If I'm a tool of life, I might as well use it in something that will mentaly make me more insane, or... I mean something that I find more productive in life. If I somehow life, they have benifical life supports and progresses in later life needs. I've always had signs that pointed to being a soilder through out my life because I really don't know what else I can do. what? get settled down and get married? Ha, no. Love is not in Stpehanie's dictionary. My definition of love is: betrayal... and so it shall always be that. That's really all you get out of love, betrayal. Who the hell wants to be betrayaled? I don't, but I do anyways, you know why? I can't control my life. It does it on it's own. so betrayal just repeats over and over again from the same people. Friends AND family, they all "love" me, of course, why would they. Hate to me... it means: disgust, dislike, abhor, ignorance. That's how I see myself, I hate myself, but I can't so anything about it. Everyone hates me, i guess that's fine as long as they keep away and not look at me then I'm fine. They might as well not pay attention to me, because no one ever listens to what I have to say. I guess I'm not important. When I do say something, it just offends them, why not talk at all... Not even my mom listens to me... I tell her, but she doesn't understand. I don't know myself anymore... I don't know anything anymore. I want to die... It would probably be the best thing in the world. I'm just scared... scared to continue life and be betrayed and betrayed over and over again... by new people and be used like I have been, because all we beings are in life are tools of the world... there really is no life for me here, you know why, I have no affect on the world here today, now and later in life. I'm not part of the link or anything... I'm really invisible. i change nothing, for anything... Do you know how unimportant I am? ...not exsisting at all, is better than this life of mine...

5-16-06

note to-self: I hate my life into eternity and far beyond anyone can imagine... It is probably best if I wasn't even born at all...

5-15-06

I feel down like always... why is that? I dunno really, everything is so confusing. Is death really the only way when there's nothing else to look foreward too. When you have friends against you and family that just always nags and you already have lifeless hopeless dreams and the life itself, what else is there in life can you look foreward for? When you know you're just going to lose and lose again, your chances are gone and you know it, what else is these for you? hated, deprived, unsuccessful, and bitter insides that just boil up like water eruping after awhile. You take it, but you can only endure so much depending on your personal traits. Well, I'm one of these people, there, but not there... lingering in the middle. Not smart... but wants to know more about how life really works... what is emotion.. feelings... what so they really mean. HOw is everything in the world linked together as a whole. Are we even real, to a certain extent, how does the physical body interact with our soul. Right now... I'm hollow... I can't feel... the right way. I don't even understand why I laugh cry or get fusterated... angry... actually I understand anger, but it's only there as a memory. I remember how it feels when I used it, I knew how it felt. BUt now I get angry, it's only a expression, it's not really there. Or I don't know what It is... I use it but I don't feel it... then I forget... my memory is used and I forget. I don't know what my life is about or happening really. I'm a tool and can't do anything about it... I don't like that, at all... In this state and mind I really don't know what I CAN do about it. Nothing. Like me... I'm nothing...

5-2-06

*Sigh* Yet never ends... "I'm only sixteen" I say, and so does everyone else. Life is long and sad... Numb and regretful, as I am ever so non-emotional. Care, I do not. Do not care? I do... when? how? I dunno... Still trying to figure out my meaning and what is the meaning to life... Home... homework... hopefully, I'll be able to change schools next year, maybe then I'll see an answer to what I need in life... I doubt it though, but being as open to ideas that I am, when it's convincing, I shall take it while trying not to be lazy (all the time). Typing up essay's could be hard, and is hard... like New testament... and geometery. I just want this school year to end without me failing school. Or else, I will cry and tell myself I'm worthless again... worthless, worthless, worthless... like I am already. Why live without living, why try if you know you'll fail, why fail and live longer, why don't I have any potential? My anger is gone, but I want it back for some reason. I need a reason to be angry. Now adays when people throw things at me, I shrug it off and knowing that it doesn't mean anything, I don't really care. My mind is slurring for some reason, I can't grab my momentum back, I fade... Fading is bad... I miss my story... changed forever, my heart in pieces, and I'm the only one that could put it together. Can't. I hate myself, People hate me, god hates me for hating me. My ultimate reasons, dying, cannot even remember anymore. Some force is absorbing it all. Views, confusion, non-emotional. At least when I do show emotion, it's not real. It's just the essence filling the whole, then leaking out until it becomes hollow again. The mysteries of life I would never know, but I want to know, because really that's all I really care about in this life. What is out there? What can be done that hasn't been done? time is slow, and I'll never know. That... Knowing that, makes me angry...and almost sad... everything else is just there... Very confusing...

4-23-06

Alas, A change bee!!! But I must put my picture on thee! Muwahaha!! Kingdommm heaartsss 2! It cam out this year, and I are is excited about thy campain of this jorneyment.

9-24-05

Alas, I went through some kind of depression improvement. I laugh at everything and anything stupid or worthless (greeeat, huh?). A penny for a thought and a dime for a feather, why don't you just give me some worthless gitter. ~Stephie~

6-28-05

The fierce over crackling in the fires heep,
yet the demons betral condemns hell in its sleep,
the trail of long death follows behind,
yet shouldn't have done the things to be kind.
the opposites attract it tempts in everyway,
but the fact that it differs from the same pray.
your eyes open with the blinding spell, become the lords angel instead of the demons of hell...

6-23-05

mehhh, I'm bored and tired...no will, no life... alwayz the same facts. no concentration, always out in the distance. no fun in living if it only gives you pain no matter how you look at it. blahhhh, that's just bullshit. energy gone... where will i go? hell? or heaven (ha no I doubt it)? I don't think it's worth doing anything anymore...fun or boring... it's all emotions... stupid emotions... very painful... just no care in the world... blah... I lost it, and i hate it. i want it back...

6-22-05

Crazy habits shift! summer isn't like it used to be... I went to the pool today and got a somewhat tan. confusing life is... yes very confusing... something out of the ordianary would come by and I would think it wouldn't make any difference. it's just there.

6-13-05

This is my lovely journal that I absoulutley love... because I know that no one would read it... so what did I do today.... I stayed at home watching my damn fucking cousin for the whole day then during the middle of the day I dyed my hair deep burgendy brown. It didn't really turn out very well though. I guess because my hair is so damn thick that the dye won't seep into the hair pores. I had two weird dreams last night.... the world is not as safe as it seems anymore, you can't even walk down a block and get killed. The real nightmare was that school or the final wasn't over and I still had to see everyone and take the tests. And when I toke the last final I had to come in the next day then the next day to take more finals and everyone was still there! I swear I woke up really scared... damn humans. Andrew says my hair smells like old lady hair..heheh, it's the hair dye. Brooke is coming down here tomorrow, yippy... I said I wouldn't go, what's the use in going... it's not like I have a life anyways... might as well not do anything at all... I just really don't care about anything... heheh, even if i am happy i don't care... my new saying " if i can't care about myself or my well being, why should i care about others" it makes sense doesn't it? it does to me... ~Steph~ i luv u marik...

every line has it's limits

.. emotion doesn't need to be present to exsist... actions are enough emotion that the person can take...

Hate comes out in different ways.... the only way you produce anger is through hate... so if you're always angry and claim you never hate, you're a hater just like everyone else you bitch.

Love is playful...love is easy...love can be used against you....in a easy and playful way... love can be betrayed... behind love is hate

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