The following is a post taken from an infertility newsgroup. And though I think it does a WONDERFUL job of likening a woman's feelings about her ability to bear children to something equally definitive to men, I also think it is a wonderful piece about how men and women achieve their sense of "identity".
It is written by Karan Davis Harp.
Karan was responding to the following question:
"Does anyone know of a good movie that adequately depicts the feelings of a woman going through IF (Infertility) treatments or just the whole experience of IF? I don't think my DH (Dear Hubby) truly understands how I feel. I just don't know how to make him understand in a rational, non emotionally hysterical way how important this is to me."
You are so smart! "Rational, non-emotional" has GOT to be the favorite mode of men! The more feelings (theirs, ours, the dogs') in the room, the less comfy they are, the more short-circuits and relationship disasters. I hope this helps! IF women are classic representations of the idea that above fame or money, women cherish relationships the most. (We show the lengths a woman will go!) It's no wonder.
Our identity as females is tied to motherhood. Our own child is our Nobel prize. A girl "becomes a woman" when she begins to menstruate. A boy "becomes a man" by starting work. (Haven't met a woman yet who said that!)
[obligatory disclaimer: Yes, men are emotional powerhouses, sensative souls. Yes, women are hard driving business obsessed dynamos. sheesh!]
Still too classic 50s gal for you? Go to a party (not a catered business meeting held after hours. A PARTY!) and introduce yourself to a woman. She is- Susan, "Pam's friend", or "Mark's date" Ask a man. He is Bill, "a police officer" a "student" a "programmer" [ok. that's wrong. He's a specialized programmer.)
My follow-up question to women is almost always, "And what do you do?" And to men it's "And how do you know the host?"
[Warning to you lurkers! MORE Generalization follows. You are welcome to criticize if you want, but my life experience ain't buying any of your objections, so let's just agree to disagree, ok? Besides, I am right, SO right!]
[er, sorry.]
The men define themselves by what they do. They are a profession, an acomplishment. Not women. I am a sister, a wife, an aunt, a not-mom.
Ask your DH how he would feel if he lost his job, his identity as someone who provides for himself, his place in the order of the world.
And what if he couldn't get hired again? What happens to his self-respect?
Can he see the pitying eyes as he packs up his office? The empty words of encouragement from the people who aren't at all qualified but just got a big raise?
What if all around him there were people who didn't WANT JOBS that had them foisted upon them?
What if everywhere he turned, television, church, restaurants, there were people complaining about how hard it was to work?
And the paychecks! Don't get me started on the paychecks! If I have to squeeze one more on the fridge, I think I'll scream! And then there's LABOR DAY.
He's obliged to be happy for all those who have jobs on Labor Day! And if someone gets a promotion, he's supposed to buy a present and smile while Mr. Lucky shows a room full of employed guys his booty!
And what if it was HIM? What if there was something about HIM that was stopping him from getting a job?
What if he accepted that and went through embarrassing interviews, body probes, tension, manipulations both physical and chemical of his body, and STILL no one hired him?
What would he want YOU to say to him? "I don't need for you to have a job, Dear." "I already have jobs." "You're too old for a job." "I'M too old for you to get a job." "What's so important about a job, anyway?" "Let's just get a hobby."
(If he STILL picks one of the above, send me his work address, and I'll go show him how a speculum works.)
Hopefully he's just attempting to minimize the intensity of your pain by finding SOMETHING, ANYTHING positive about the situation. (A kind of reproductive "Oh my! Doesn't he look natural?" remark. Well intended, but on the literal level, hardly comforting.) Obviously none of those would do. He wants you to say you will support his struggle as much as you will support his outcome, and that whatever happens, you're by his side.
You married him, not his job. You believe in him. And that, while YOU don't fully understand why a job is so important to him, HE is important to you, so the job search is, too. And that of course you understand that YOU having a job, while wonderful, is not enough for HIS feelings. And if the job comes, you will love it as he does, even when it means getting less time together, or losing sleep. (But you reserve the right to complain!) I hope you're 'filing W-2s' in no time. Most of all, I hope he understands a little better.
Please take some time to vistit Karan's Page, laughlines.