August 14th, 2001
Today was a pretty good day. I started the 75mg dose, with no more nausea than throughout the last week, and actually I think a little less than I've been feeling it. I know it's only been a week, and too soon to be looking for much effect, but I know the edge of my anxiety has softened. Today a co-worker said she noticed a difference. That's really without conversing too much about how the meds actually make me feel, other than the fact that they make a bit nauseous. That felt pretty good, of course it did make me wonder just how cranky I usually am, since that was how she put it :). I did read a site that said an effect can be felt by some in the first 1-2 weeks, so maybe it's not purely psychological. The sadness is there, the lack of motivation is still hanging in there, only my anxiety has dissipated to some extent. I am hoping that is a sign of more improvements to come. I'm doing good, I am very bad about taking meds and getting things done in general, but I faithfully take my medicine every morning, washing up and even if I'm not ready to eat a meal I make sure to eat some bread or a bagel or something.
I found the message boards at Wing Of Madness. There are some very helpful people over there. As well as a fantastic article about what to do during the 6 weeks it generally takes for the meds to be working in ones system consistently. Right now I'm looking for a good book, workbook type thing,>I'm not clear headed enough yet to maintain a really good written journal, outside of my HTML outlet here :). Sometimes a little thought, revelation, reality hits me smack in the head as I go about my day and I guess I should carry a notebook with me to jot them down, when and if I manage to get back to therapy it might be of some use.
So I'm hoping there will be no deep valleys for at least a little while, and thatI can begin to get a grasp again on the things that need to get straightened out in my life, the finances, the work goals, my relationships, particularly with my family! When I do feel better, more confident I have to start setting some more realistic goals, step by step. I need that again. I can't be fading into the background the way I have been for the last couple years and then wondering WHY I don't know what's going on.
So today was a good day, compared to a lot of days these past months. I still struggle to get out the door to work, but it felt more today like disorganization, rather than being too sad to go. I still have to push myself to do the work, but it's getting done, I didn't feel so cranky, just like my coworker said.