My Psychiatrist appointment is still 5 days away. I have mulled over checking myself into the local psych ward a couple times. I am not well. It's okay if I'm distracted, if I can make myself get up and take the kids out, or play around in front of the computer, any opportunity to think and I feel hopeless, trapped, and unable to figure out how to open that trap.I don't know how to explain the feeling. I know I should have went back to the CSW, at least to have someone to talk to until I get to see the "real" doctor, but I also know I just don't feel good enough to even talk about anything.

EVERYTHING seems negative right now, I can intellectually discuss solutions, but even though I KNOW all the steps I should take to get started on straightening things out, the most I can do is write them down, I can't actually act on them. I came close to checking myself in because I was think seriously negative thought, do myself in thoughts, and it was scary, at the same time I have enough of a grip still to know I don't want to do that to my kids. I can't think clearly, I'm not sleeping enought, I'm not eating right. I'm a mess. I can't wait to see the doctor, yet it has been so long I'm afraid I am going to end up depending entirely on some medication and not doing the inner work I need to do. Will the meds help me do that? Or will they just keep me treading water? I looked in the mirror and was horrified by what I saw. Besides gaining weight my skin is a mess, and I have NO clothes that fit. I don't know what to do, how do I get that good feeling back? I used to go to the gym and I felt SO powerful, it's not that I was this perfect buff ultra fem body, but I was strong, and healthy, I felt so great, and even though I remember that feeling, I can't MAKE myself go to the gym.

I can hang on. I can and I will.

When This Depression is too...depressing move on to other pages....