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| about me/all about parenting/my family/my friends inspirationals/my favorite quotes/my favorite sites/all about love |
| This is one of the mornings after another sleepless night, that I can't help not ask myself, why didn't I have a good night sleep again? Then I would just joke myself and answer it with, maybe someone's been thinking of me all night....hahaha! Jokes are always half-meant, a friend once said. And maybe...just maybe, behind that joke, there's this wishful thinking that someone has really been thinking of me. Then the memory of someone from the past would, again, bounce in my head...disturb my sanity and make my day half-miserable. What if he's thinking about me? What if he still loves me? It's just another imagination, I know. Another day of "what if's" and "maybe's". For the nth time, I've told myself that when it's over, it's really over! There's no sense turning back or even trying to pick up the pieces again. It's time to move on and face the reality! When it's over, is it really over? When you decide to let go, do you really succeed in letting go? I just heard the latest song of Sugar Ray a while ago. Here's the few lines that caught my attention: "When it's over, That's the time I fall in love again... When it's over, That's the time you're in my heart again..." How can you possibly say it's over when you're still in love(?) with the person you said you were over with already? I guess it's not that easy when the chain of the past locks you in the chest of false hopes and leads you to a place called fantasy with Cinderella and Snow white as your best friends! The three of you would gather on the hilltop and after a while three young drop-dead gorgeous princes would come riding on their horses to join the picnic under a tree. How pathetic! But, admit it or not, it's true... The hardest part of losing a loved one is to accept the fact that they're gone and might never come back again. There are things that will always remind you of your togetherness...the places you've been, expressions you used to hear from him and songs you've both loved to sing. These are the memories that'd linger on your mind from time to time. Because you were both in love before (or so you think), it makes you hope for another chance. You begin to believe on what others said that love is lovelier the second time around and the line from Ally McBeal, "whoever said that "plenty of fish in the ocean" thing , is lying. Sometimes, there's only one...trust me." We would desperately believe that what happens in the movies might also happen to us one day. Who didn't like the lines from the movie "Runaway Bride" where Julia Roberts told Richard Gere, "I guarantee that we'll have tough time; I guarantee that in some point, one of us would want to get out; I also guarantee that if I don't ask you to be mine, I'll regret this for the rest of my life, 'coz I know in my heart...you're the only one for me." We tend to think that the person who left us will come back one day and say those words, or just simple words but would promise forever. Problems may occur every now and then, but we would consider those things as trials to be conquered in order for the relationship to bloom and mature. Oouucchh! Reality just bit me! More often than not, these romantic movies and mushy love songs only make us long for something we cannot have...and for someone who cannot be ours again. It hurts to admit that we are just pretending. All the while, we already knew the truth but we ignore it. When the damage is done, there's nothing left to do but cry...to mourn for the bitterness in our hearts.Then curse anybody who gets in the way. I'm scared!!! As long as we still hold on to the past, the chance of meeting someone new may be a bit far off the field. The fear of trusting and falling in love again may also hinder us to grow and move on. We are hesitant to take the risk, afraid that we may get hurt again. Because of the negative thoughts stocked in our brains, we refuse to go out from our self-made world and deprive ourselves from new opportunities, whether in love affairs or career wise. Let's face it! Betrayal can be anywhere and anyone can be a victim. The worst part is when the one we truly, madly and deeply love is the one who will betray us in the end. Then we are left with nothing but a broken heart and wounded pride. Sad... but true. Reality check please... It can happen to anyone but we shouldn't just take things as it comes. An action must be done. We should take care of ourselves from the hungry wolves in the jungle. It's just a matter of survival. Stand up when you fall. It's okay to cry as hard and as long as you want to, just make sure that when you stop crying, you won't cry for the same reason anymore. Learn and live. Love is the most wonderful thing one can offer, so be smart enough to give the love in your heart to the one who really deserves it. winnie 2001 |
Life is like a book of many chapters. Some have been written, as others wait to be created. The decisions we make impact each page, each paragraph, and each sentence that is jotted down in the memoirs of our existence. One thing I have learned during my time on this earth, which is short compared to so many others, is that even though a chapter may have been written, years even decades ago it still holds great weight in the chapters yet to come. I believe the "Golden Rule" truly applies in all of our lives. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Not only has Christ, Confucius, and so many philosophers endorsed this saying, but it has also been taught throughout the ages to be one of the great moral basics for all of mankind. So, when faced with a moral or ethical decision I have to wonder how many truly take this moral tidbit into consideration. I know there have been moments in my life when I came to a crossroad. I could make a decision that would hold a"price" for me to pay, or I could choose the other path and take the easy way out. So, where was I in my moral basic growth? I have to say at some junctures in my life I have been at the toddler stage. I did not want to pay the toll to travel the tougher road, so I escaped. Each time I did not consider the basic moral fiber of the "Golden Rule" I chose incorrectly, and these incidences have been the continuing scribbles of chapters that have yet to be closed in my life. So, how do I rectify the wrongs I have done in my life? First, I feel I need to always take into consideration the effect my decisions will have on others, as well as on myself. It is a matter of not being self-serving, but rather being a servant to mankind. I am not sure why this is on my mind tonight as I learned this lesson some time ago, but then again it is always relevant as the chapters of my life continue to be written. winnie 2001 |
| Lately, my thoughts have been focused toward gaining insight and a better understanding of myself and those around me. t seems that there are a few areas in my life where there are many more questions than answers... I find "DESIDERATA" to be one of the truest embracements of understanding and personal growth... and it is something I am going to try to practice more in my own existence...I feel it is completely relevant in life. It was written by Max Erhmann in the 1920’s… Desiderata (Desiderata is a Latin term which means "Things to be Desired") Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. |
Love. Everybody wants it, and once they have it, they don't know what to do with it. Most people don't even know that they had it until it's gone. It's also pretty scary. I have loved, but I'm content without it, I'm not even referring to a lifetime commitment, or the kind of love you find in fairy tales, but romantic love is what I'm talkign about. Now, there is this kind of love I am not content without, familial love. This love is the sort that you have for your family, whether they're blood family (family of origin) or spiritual family (family of choice). It's when you want to take care of someone when they're sick, or make lunch for them, or help them with their problems. For me, anyhow, it overlaps a great deal with platonic love, but I consider my close friends to be a part of my family. It's also a sort of deep understanding; the kind that comes from having known someone your (or their) entire life, and still being able to somehow love them and interact with them as human beings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love never dies. It changes, but it never dies.Do not misinterpret,so that you can believe that someone who loved you in one way won't love you differently later. I can not make someone love me. All I can do is be someone who can be loved; the rest is up to them. And I can not be someone who can be loved until I learn to love myself. If I am unhappy, I can NOT be happy with another person. Just as I am not responsible for anyone else's happiness (or any of their emotions, for that matter), no one is responsible for mine but me. I'm the only one who has to wake up with me every single day, for the rest of my life. I'm the one who sees myself in the mirror. I'm the one who spends every waking moment with myself. And so I have to care for myself.. And if I don't care for myself, I CAN NOT care for anyone else. I will put too much energy into my insecurities and pain, and things will fall apart. Again, I may feel free to learn from my mistakes. I learned these things the hard way, and if I can spare one person this pain... it won't fix everything I've done, or justify it, but my losses will not have been in vain. I have done a great many stupid things in my time, as everyone in this world has. Few of them rival the things I have done to those I loved because I was too insecure and frightened to be able to express it in a healthy way to them. Saying "I love you" is not enough. Words can never convey what actions do. So, be true to yourself, and your heart. Be someone who can be loved. Everything else will fall into place. It may be someone you least expect. It may take time. But if you truly learn to be who you are, and love who you are, people will love you for that. |
| .......I need to learn to sublimate. To take all of the bitterness, and pain, and fear, and anguish that I'm suffering and ball it up, compress it, and turn it into something... better. Maybe just different; I don't know. I have all this energy that broils itself into a bitter, breathless, pissed-off pirahna that's clawing its way through whatever sentiment I may have had left for the world. I hate it. At least I can still hate. But this restlessness, this ennui,I have, that kills everything I've worked for, cutting it down from behind, has to go. Bags are packed. But it keeps missing the train. winnie (3-10-02) |
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| I chose to name this page " my editorials", not a journal or an online diary coz I know my day to day life just wouldn't be that interesting to anyone else. My editorials tend to focus more on internal events that are sparked from the external ones. Writing is a part of me. I never considered myself an artistic person at all until I started working on web pages ( I had made 2, one for my friend, jude, and the othr for our HS class). Now I can explore that side of me that I always thought was limited because I couldn't draw or paint or sculpt. I would say writing is another extension of who I am. |
A spider has spun its web right up in the corner of our back doorway... next to the light that attracts all the flying bugs at night. It's caught my attention because I see a moth has flown into it and struggles frantically, to get free... the more it struggles, it seems, the more entangled it becomes... now, hopelessly entangled in its fate. I can hardly bear it... I feel so much compassion for it, and its freedom, and its fear, and its yearning for flight, that I am moved to save it... knowing I will be depriving the spider of its sustenance... Still... I know that moth's struggle. It is like mine. I, too, am caught... but, in the web of life. And I struggle, and twist, and turn, desparately trying to free myself from that which has captured my spirit, and holds it captive... It is useless! The more I struggle, the more entangled I become... but, I must struggle! I cannot succumb to failing... not while my heart still yearns for flight! I realize I cannot free myself... so entangled am I, in what seems to be my fate! Like the moth, I need a larger force to gently pull away those things that holds me captive... I sense my freedom is near... I sense a larger Compassion loosening the grasp on that which binds me... I sense the Wonder in Life that is freeing my spirit... I sense it is Mercy that rescues me... I sense it is Love that saves me. |
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| I wonder where they are now?... those people from my past that made such an impression on my spirit, that I find them in my heart after these long, long years... They were the people that showed a kindness; sometimes, a very subtle kindness, that was like a soft caress across my soul, a kindness that proved to be unforgettable... Or they were the people that uttered a word that was most perfect and so needed at a particular moment in time. They would be the ones, I am sure, in looking back, who were sent to my side. It's funny, I can almost group them all together in my mind as if they were posing for a picture... They probably have no idea how much they mean to me... or how much I hold them in love, as I hold them in my thoughts. I wonder if there is anyone whose path I crossed, who thinks of me? Did I ever show a kindness to another at a time when it was so needed? Or did I ever say a thing that helped another through a somber moment? How I hope I did... because this is what I believe Life is about. It is no wonder to me that I move through my days with a greater sense of peace... for I seek the more gentle things in life to fill my spirit... the more gentle things... the more gentle ways... and the more gentle memories. |
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| Does your soul mate exist? What if there's more than one? "[A soul mate] means a person who is exactly right for you, with whom you have perfect chemistry. In theory, the concept is terrific. But searching and believing in a soul mate is not helpful. Anyone has hundreds of potential marriage partners. It's a terrible idea to look for a perfect match. He does not exist." The concept of a soul mate implies that you can't achieve perfection without uniting with another person. But each of us is whole in and of herself. What people really want is a loving, harmonious, passionate relationship. There are many people at this time on Earth that you can have a meaningful connection with." |
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| To have and to hold
Isnt it absolutely wonderful to have someone in your life who is loving and caring and giving and gracious--- someone whose smiles and laughter are like sunshine and whose words always seem to say the things you most likely want to hear? ....more than half a year ago, my life was shattered , my heart broken, my pride wounded, my tears washing my pillow every night .... everytime i think of the promises and the love cut short because of the truth that i have learned ( read my past blogs so u can relate , ok !).... i was very slowly picking up the pieces but it keeps falling back to the ground..... until someone special came into my life just at the start of the year.... a new begining... he helped me and still is helping me pick up the pieces of my broken heart, ( may dala pa siyang epoxy ha! to make sure my heart won't break again, sana madikit talaga yang epoxy ).... Though we are exact opposites (he's too formal and so gentleman and proper while im the funny type, informal, brusko, talkative... ngeh!) we get along fine. Now i believe in the saying opposites attract.... i am happy, my special friend brought back the harmony into my life. Someone i can escape to where i can close out any worries i have. I'm more blessed than a lot of people, i guess- for i have found a special friend to go onto, where my heart is always happy to be. He understands my needs and brings many smiles to my everydays. Not only smiles but joy to my heart .... they say all is temporary and fleeting... nothing is permanent.... so???? .... all i know is that, i am happy now... being happy is a nice feeling and i thank my special friend for allowing me to be a part of his life...... winnie 2004gs* hugs* winks* winks*) |
| The other night I was emotionaly weak. I was upset at my mate, for reasons I really could not explain, but through all the words that exchanged, I really understood "just let i't go."for me that was a big step....So today I put away all misguided anger, break down my safety wall and open my mind to what ever God has in store for me. winnie 12-18-02 |
| LiFe iS wHaT wE mAkE iT....
In my 38 years here on earth, i have gone through so many peaks and valleys (as what my son calls it). Ive made a lot of mistakes along the way (who did not???) ("mess?" that's what my youngest sis calls it.... " u have made a mess out of your life and ur making other people fix it for u"... ouchhh sistah!! but thanks anyway for saying that!) but ive also seen that given what i knew at the time, they were largely unavoidable. yup... I made plenty of mistakes along the way, but I still feel I did my best. oh well, all the aches' , name it, ive gone through it... a very young mom at 18, had my 2nd child at 19 and had 4th and youngest child by the age of 27; had a marriage made-in-hell ( oh excuse me for saying that, but indeed i was married to the devil :) ... ill not fuzz over that few chapters of my life but i tell u , u will never wish to go through it... When I look back over my life, i can say i have no regrets , i have fulfilled some duties that for others may seem so unimportant (needless to say, i made the people close to my heart feel so loved and cared for in times when all the people around were too busy in building a life of their own). And if i were to live my life all over again, i would still choose to live it that way... I may not have lived a perfect life, but I did the best I could. And for that reason, I can proudly say i have no regrets. winnie 2006 |
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hey ME... wake up! i have been very cautious (so, i thought) in "falling in love" but why do i always end up loving the wrong one?... getting hurt Image and even hating love Image.... LoVe they say is the greatest feeling of all... yes, no question about that. when we are in love (romantic love is what im talking about), we feel happy, elated, euphoric, heavenly, lively, extatic, enamoured, excited, and so forth and so on... we give more and take less... we feel as if there is an unlimmited overflowing of endorphins and enkephalins oozing in us.... but mind you, in order to balance these feelings, being in love also allows us to taste the bitterness of love's bitter.. ("just my own (contra)version of the sweetest of life's sweets").. Now say hello to depression, anxiety, distrust, reservation, dilemma, fear, etc, etc, etc.... and all these leaves us nothing but stabbed, crushed, pulverised, splintered, wounded, broken myocardium.... why am i in this hate-disillusioned state once again? maybe because... ok... BeeeeCozzzzz it was my natal day 2 days ago ( hapi bday to me! ) .. and seems that untill today im still hoping that some devil (from the nth level of hell called Oxon Hill) would remember my special day (greet me??? call me over the fone??? text me??? email me??? see me??? better yet, send me a present, oh what i want him to give me for my bdayImage?... an ocean filled with his tears... thats not enough though, but i would settle for it)... hey Me.. wake up! u stupid woman! REALITY CHECK please..... This man that u have been hoping to greet u or even remember ur bday is the very man who ... oh i'll use my native tongue, coz its so nice to the hear words such as.... oh where am i... yup, " itong lalaking inaasam asam mong batiin ka at maalala ang kaarawan mo eh siyang lalaking ginawa kang TANGA, NILINLANG, PINAASA, SINAKTAN, PINAIYAK, PiNANIWALA... sa madaling salita GINAGO, NILOKO kaImage.... (inumpog mo kaya ang ulo mo sa pader! ok! ngayon na.... Bilis!!!!) why do the ones we love hurts us the most???? eh anukaba? kaya ka nga nasasaktan noh! kasi po mahal mo nga ang ugok na yun!!! ewan... modesty aside , i have quite a number of good looking men and all educated at that... who waits till im rady to fall in love again... (ages ranges from late 20's to early 60's ( di sila DOM noh, COM sila Clean Old Men, saka Good looking pa. naks! feel ko ang long long ng hair ko, oh di buh?)... but Y oh Y this devil from oxon hill still roams around my cardiovascular system??? i can feel him now in my L ventricle, no matter how forceful the pressure is, seems he's locked up somewhere my mitral valve.... shooo, shooo. shooo, devil, shoooo.. dont bother me..waah it has been 7 months now but still.... waaaaaaahhhhh..... if i could only teach my heart who to beat for... oh well... i just hope my hypertension expell the devil out of my system... and my life would be the saNe again... a special close friend professor (in mathematics, algebra, stats, trigo, etc...) told me that im so unfair in generalizing men who falls for me... he says how can he love me the way he wants me to if i keep on closing the door and keep hanging on to my past? he says I have so much love to give but im so selfish to give it away.. his parting words before i decided not to see him, communicate and all sorts... " thanks so much for denying me ur love, winnie" "salamat sa pag kakait mo sa akin ng pag ibig" (huh??? sure ka ba na may pag ibig akong pinag kait sa iyo??? sure ka buh ha???).. oh friend... if i could only teach my heart who to love, i would have done so.... of course, im definitely sure in due time i will fall in love again ( i just hope with the right one) the world is too big a place to walk through alone, and there are too many stars to count by myself... but stilll... listening to my heart is what will always matter most.... |
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who's In LoVe wiTh a MaRriEd Man? In love with a married man? falling in love with a married man is different from falling in love with a man who you thought is not married... why? because you are unaware of the truth.. (that's what he made me believe, that creep! I will never cease to be amazed that women actually get confused about falling for a married man (want me to bang your heads on the wall, ladies?)... My case is different. This guy made me believe he was not married. So consciously, I didn't fall for a married man.. But as they say the truth will always come out ( and so it did came out), and will set you free... Does the truth always set you free??? The moment I learned about it and have proven it, I ran as fast as I can and never looked back (not literally, duh!). Of course it hurts (a rush of prostaglandins and bradykinins swept ove me!), nothing broken, just my HearT ! (my aching, breaking heart!.Image.ouch!) and literally as well, my bp went up to 170/140, poor heart! tsk!!! When the wrong loves you right ( or so i thought).. I looked inside myself and asked, why would I want to get all wrapped up with a man who is emotionally and somewhat physically unavailable? Why would I want to break up somebody else's family? ( What about the issue of respect for my fellow woman: his wife. Don't you think we as women should stick together and respect each other, which would include respecting each others marriages and commitments?Image and one thing more, this pathological liar's wife has done nothing wrong to me. Why would I want to live on the constant sneak? Why would I want to live a lie? Why would I ultimately want to put myself through pain and heartbreak?Image In any case, getting involved with a person who is married is at best CHAOTiC and at worst, FaTaL. How could you respect a man who's married but wanting to have someone else on the side? I think I deserve more than to be someone's occasional side-dish. And I would never settle for being someone's mistress... Yah u from oxon hill , U read it right.., so please stop bugging me and just go to hell........ winnie 12-10-06t go to hell... |
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