laughoutloud

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an Aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and
forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing,
someone else does.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then,
your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning? Clear as a bell, my body said, "Listen witch ...do it and die."

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your own neck?

1)is it in?
2)that's it?
3)you've got to be kidding me.
4)(phone rings) hello? oh nothing and you?
5)do i have to pay for this?
6)do i have to call you tomorrow?
7)oh momma, momma!
8)oh dadda, dadda!
9)you look better in the dark.
10)this is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11)don't tell my husband/wife.
12)you wear the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
13) yuk, this sucks.
14)can you finish now? i have a meeting...
15)i hope you don't expect a raise for this...
16)i think you might get the job for this.
17)damn! is that all you know what to do.
18)did i tell you, i have herpes?
19)did i tell you where my cold sore came from?
20)now we must get married.
21) hurry up, the games about to start.
22)i'm hungry.
23)i'm thirsty.
24)zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25)are you trying to be funny?
26)can i have a ride home after this?
27)are those real?
28)by the way, i want to break up.
29)is that smell coming from you?
30)haven't you ever done this before?
31)wow!! i've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32)do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33)you're so much like your sister....
34)your mom's cute.
35)what's your name again?
36)do i have to be here in the morning?
37)a second time? i barely stayed awake the first time!
38)but you just started!!
39)you're about as good as a 9 year old, and i should know!!
40)don't touch that!!
41)can we order a pizza?
42)i think my dad is listening at the door.
43)smile for the camera, honey!!!
44)i'm out of condoms, can i use a sock?
45)get your hand out of there!!
46)i think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47)i knew you wore a padded bra!!
48)cover me boys, i'm going in!!!

Marriage quotes

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and
the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands.

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Signs Your Family Life Is Stressful!

14. "Family get togethers" are sometimes called "group therapy sessions" and involve seeing a psychiatrist.

13. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

12. Family members say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that they have said it before.

11. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

10. The cat is on Valium.

9. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

8. Family members say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that they have said it before.

7. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated coffee.

6. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

5. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

4. Family members say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that they have said it before.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

and last but not least...

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates!

Losing Weight the Fun Way

It has been known for many years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after original and proprietary research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over......................... Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

A Man's Sermon

To women everywhere,

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. (Really, really listen to this one)
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon = the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will... so mark anniversaries on the calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway...)
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together........No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something but not both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Oh, and what the hell is a doily?

Jokes a Male Chauvenist Pig Can Appreciate

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t, there’s a clock on the oven!

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re gonna to want to shoot it.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.

All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she’s already been told twice!

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%:
Wedding cake.

The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, "What’s on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven’t eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "My God, I wish I had your willpower."

Do you know the punishment for bigamy??
Two mothers-in-law.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing, "You can have mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

59)can i borrow 5 bucks?
60)what the hell noise was that?!
61)stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62)hurry up! i'm late for a date.
63)you know, you're not really attractive.
64)i'm sorry, i was not listening.
65)what, oh yea, i love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66)stop interrupting me!!
67)i have to go to the bathroom.
68)did i leave the iron on?
69)your breath is funky.
70)(start singing Green Day).
71)is it o.k. if i call someone, its o.k. though, keep going....
72)its ok honey, i can imagine that its bigger.
73)god i wish you were a real woman.
74)why can't you ever shave your legs?
75)by the way, when i drove over here, i ran over your dog....
76)oh Susan, susan... i mean donna....
77)your breast milk is like my mom's....
78)you're hairy!!
79)your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80)is it o.k. if i never see you again?
81)did i forget to tell you i got worms from my cat?
82)don't make that face at me!
83)all of a sudden i have a headache.
84)you're boring.
85)don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
86)you ever see basic instinct?
87)how much do i owe you?
88)How come we each have a penis?
89)of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90)your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91)just use your finger, its bigger.
92)does your family have to watch?
93)no problem, we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94)get off me, i'll do it myself!!!!
95)can you hold this sandwich for me?
96)you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97)the only reason i'm doing this is because i'm drunk.
98)my mom taught me this.....
99)how cute... peach fuzz!
100)you got boogies showing.
101)should i ask why you're bleeding?
102)this is my pet rat, larry....
103)if you can't do it, i'll find someone else who can!
104)i haven't had this much sex since i was a hooker!
105)i was once a woman...
106)wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107)no i don't love your mind, i can't grab that!!
108)is it o.k. if i tell my friends about this?
109)i'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110)you wanted me to use a condom?
111)of course, i don't love you
112)mooooo!!
113)Fire in the hole!!!
114)i wanna see how many quarters i can fit in there.
115)o.k. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
116)(start reciting the 10 commandments).
117)let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

LOVE, LUST, MARRIAGE
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE: when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE: when intercourse is called making love.
LUST: all other times.
MARRIAGE: what's intercourse?

LOVEwhen you argue over how many children to have.
LUST:when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: when you argue over money.

LOVE:you share everything you own.
LUST: when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE: when the bank owns everything.

LOVE: when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST:when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE: what's a climax?

LOVE:when you phone each other just to say "Hello".
LUST: when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE:when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE: when you write poems about your partner.
LUST: when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: when all you write is cheques.

LOVE: when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST:when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE: when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE: when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST: when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE:when your farewell is silent.

LOVE: when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE: when you never see each other awake.

LOVE: when your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST: when your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE: when your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE: when nobody else matters.
LUST: when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE: when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST: when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE: when you never listen to music.

LOVE: when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST: when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE:when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE: when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST: when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE: when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. Has an outrageous sense of humor
11. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
11. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
11. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
11. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
11. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
3. An imaginative, romantic lover

THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME...

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me FAITH...
"Because I told you so, that's why."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me about SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."

And my all time favorite thing, JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me IRONY...
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE WHAT I HAVE...
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE...
"If you're going to kill each other off, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION...
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL...
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you to the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC...
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me OSMOSIS...
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me LOVE...
"You know that whatever happens, I'll always stand behind you."