Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

I may be inconsistent, but not all the time.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good

ideas!

The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be

happy.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Live dangerously and you live right.

Early to rise, and early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially

dead.

May you be in heaven a half hour before the Devil knows your

dead.

You have the people skills of a belt sander!

A good pun is its own reword.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.

War doesn't determine who's right but who's left.

A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the

store is free yet?

Constant change is here to stay.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

Next time, wave all your fingers at me!

I love the "swooshing" sound deadlines make as they go by.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Hey! It compiles! Ship it!

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird

religious cult. - Rita Rudner

If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of

progress?

Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.

Music is the art of thinking with sounds.

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.

The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the average

man can see better than he can think.

Perseverance is not a long race. It is many short races one after

another.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly

wouldn't have paid for me.

Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired.

The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is

no crisis.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still

carry a tune.

Repaint! Repaint! And never thin again!

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there,

please.

This message was sent to you via email in much the same way

bricks aren't.

Ways to Relieve Stress #10 - Make up a language and ask people

for directions.