Turmoil.

Ever constant, ever present turmoil.

Sorrow,

Continuous sorrow.

Even writing my thoughts down, speaking to an old friend does not bring me any relief. I have made a total mess of my life. I wish to hide away from the world but cannot.

What I thought was a true feeling, was true love, a real love, I now know was nothing more than a youthful dream. A want on my part that I tried so hard to fulfill, even by devious means. Now I can only shake my head at my actions. So foolish.

Oh, have I grown, how I have matured, but at the expensive of my heart. Yes, my heart still hurts but I wonder if it hurts from the shame I bear or for a love I thought I had.

Is it possible to having feelings for two different people? Can I say that I honestly loved one when all along I have had feelings for another? Could I honestly give my body to one and profess love another? Did he make me realize I had these feelings, when he revealed his love for me? Did that put the thought in the back of my head? Did that start the confusion? Is that why I do not feel anything guilt because I felt relief upon word that one I pledged my heart to left me? Am I really angry at his betrayal or more so at my own?

I want to step back, to back away. I do not want these feelings, all these emotions that continue to bombard me daily.

Never mind the harsh words that have flown from our lips. Never mind the harsh actions that we have shown to each other. Why is it each time there is an argument, a conflict, I end up in his arms? Is it just adrenaline that makes me want him? Why does he call to my wilder side? A side I try so hard to hide.

My mind is a jumble, my thoughts are all over the place. I cannot think straight most of the time, so consumed by my guilt. How can I go on being around him? How can I stand to be around the others? Over and over I hear a chant in my head…hide away, run away, hide away, run away.

Is that the answer? Deny all that has happened in these last few days? Deny that I do have feelings, just keep fighting them? I know I hurt him when I did so last night. But what could I do? He will think that I am just using him to get over another. He would never believe that I have true feelings. Are my feelings true?

No, it is better to keep my heart safe. He weakens my resolve. Last night’s slip of the tongue showed that.