Ah, you know the song this month's title comes from! It's gonna be in your subconscious for the next 20 days, slowly creeping forward, with all the Holiday stuff. It'll be playing in every frickin store you enter during this period of consumer gluttony. Don't I just say the CUTEST things?!? (Maniacal Laughter).
2-Dec-99
In the moments between sleeping and
waking, I had an image. Well, first, let me say this. I was sitting in
the house of God yesterday, listening to the funeral service of a friend,
a father figure, and my boss. I realized something during that service.
I was not the only one who has ever been angry with God. The speaker said
he too sometimes shook his fist in anger at his position in life. I read
in 'True Faces' the same thing. I was not alone in this. The speaker
said my boss had a saying. 'There IS a plan'. I don't know it, and God
will not reveal it to me, no matter how much I want to know. THAT is my
gift, my puzzle, my challenge.
God is not going to tell me why I am the way I am. It's like in the military, classified information is not shared without 'need to know'. God, in his infinite wisdom, knows that I don't need to know why I am this way, only that I need to accept that I AM, and that it serves some function.
I've been fighting my purpose, hating God, and myself, and poisoning my marriage in the process. The marriage should have never been. I need to let go of my anger, and letting go of my anger means letting go of what I want, instead of what I am meant to be. Here's the hard part; I need to have faith that my differences have a purpose.
So, back to my half-waking dream. I was driving to work, sorta off in my own little world, imagining walking through the woods in a large crowd. We were all laughing and chatting. The path was wide and clear. Easy to see and navigate. As we walked, a pale figure shrouded in robes of white stood like a signpost, pointing to a small overgrown trail leading off the main path we were on. I mentioned to the others, joking about the strange appearance of the figure on the trail. They didn't see the figure. They thought I was weirding out. So, believing myself wrong, I continued along the clear path. Then some time farther down the trail, the figure stood again, somehow more insistent, again pointing off the beaten path. I had to stop this time, as the crowd moved along. Some turned and looked at me, thinking I was insane. Some hugged me goodbye, knowing I was about to depart their company. I was torn. I didn't want to leave them, to be alone, having only my own strength to keep me going. And I looked up at the face of the figure in the white robes. There was no face to be seen, no answer to my questions of why. The figure before me was death. Not the grim reaper, but the tarot Change. I began the path, a few feet, and began to peel, to shed my skin. The itching, flaking, dying skin falling away.
The day-dream ended before I saw what was beneath. I can't see far down the path. It is overgrown and twists and turns. It is not clear, and I am apt to loose the trail, only to regain it again, or, in some places, I am likely to simply need to head in a direction, with no trail at all to follow.
In the past several days, it has become abundantly clear that I will one day shuffle off this mortal coil. On that day, My heart, the burden of my guilt, will be weighed against a feather. Only if I am without guilt will I move on to where I need to go. I don't know if that's heaven. I tend to think a soul is offered one great puzzle after another, each more difficult than the last, until we achieve wisdom.
Good night all.
03-Dec-99
I had a very interesting set of events
happen yesterday. I was requested to take the person who spoke at my boss's
funeral to the airport by my company. Since I live in St. Louis and work
in Illinois, it was reasoned I wouldn't have to fight all the traffic to
get back into Illinois during rush hour. I arrived at my (now deceased)
boss's house about half an hour early. I'm glad, I wanted to talk to his
wife... widow. I have liked her from the first time I met her. Hi HB, I
hope you read this soon. You shine like a light to me, even in times like
this, you are a wonderful, loving woman. You may wonder how God would put
this on you. I know that feeling well, you may now understand. I only wish
I could hold you when you weep, and give you comfort in your pain. I love
you in many ways like a mother. You and MB have shown me more warmth, and
kindness in just two years than many people share in a lifetime. Thank
you.
The fellow I took to the airport was a minister. We had a good talk on the way to the airport. I have spent years denying the existance of God, what I see as the eternal force which defined the laws and set the universe into motion. All the matter in the universe follow the laws set forth by principals of interaction theoretically simplifying in higher dimensions (According to 'Hyperspace' by Michio Kaku). If this is the case, what defined that law of the highest dimension? Well, as time is an effect of matter, and this force, whatever it is, created the universe as we know it, whatever created the universe (henceforth called 'God') must therefore not be subject to time. I mention this for two reasons. First, it obviously means God is aware of all states of the universe as it was, is , and will be at the same time. Second, it means that God has no causative reaction to the universe. That is, God would not get 'angry' at someone for an action they took. God already knows the action, and it's outcome. Also, in similar fashion, God would not 'intervene' in the function of the universe. If God knows what's going to happen, God would not NEED to intervene, God would simply create the universe to the specifications needed to change the outcome to the way God wants.
Roger Waters was, in some ways right, 'What God wants, God gets'. Roger, some day I hope you and David get back together. I wish this for purely selfish reasons. I think what the two of you produced together was better than what the two of you produce apart. I'll ask Aoi her opinion. And while you two sound pioneers are bitching at each other, I've got to turn to Phish for new interesting sound. Well, current Pink Floyd is good, but it would be better with you both. Hmm, that was an unsuccessful literary ramble. (smile)
Ahhh.... Well. Where was I? Back to the topic of God. I think I've been angry at God for giving me this thing I can't define. I would deny the existence of any creator that could do this to me. Why would something so unjust be allowed to happen? I didn't understand that I am not yet allowed to know. I am told that answer will simply come later. I understand that my path is not the easy one. It doesn't even have an instruction manual. I will not find the will of God anywhere but in my heart.
Oh, something else about God. God is not a 'He'. There, now that I've pissed off all the conservative Christians, I'll piss off all the feminists. God is just as certainly not a 'she'. God is so far beyond our understanding that even to guess is pointless. God exists completely outside of time, space, and matter. In our human arrogance, we seek to assign human attributes to the creator of the universe. What a joke!
Okay, with those concepts given, here's something else... organized religions all have some grain of the truth. They have all managed to grab a piece of the same puzzle. It's just sad that they are so willing to see their piece as the whole. I have read godly words from all types of places. The minister I spoke with had similar views. Does the shape your personal God has really matter to the passage into the gates of heaven? And isn't shedding our guilt and pain, and helping others in their struggles not the goal of every sane individual? So, now, see, I begin to understand God just a little. I have again accepted God, whether this one conforms to Christian standards is probably subject to debate, but this is my God, and my God loves me, God has watched while I thrash wildly against my design. I understand that I must be what I was meant to be. I don't know why. It has no basis in logic. It is, very truthfully, all in my mind. However, there is no way to remove it from the mind without probably killing me. My brain is different than most every other human male's. I am something not truly male. I just have the male body. Weird, rare. You'd think scientists would love to understand transsexuality. You'd think we would be prized as exceptions. I am instead, a miserable ,sometimes barely functioning societal reject. The complexity of the species must allow for a tremendious variance in individuals.
05-Dec-99
Stuff on brain differences...
http://www.theatlantic.com/issues/97jun/burr2.htm
Sometimes I can feel the shift in brain activity from right to left. Strange, I realize I'm just as much trapped in a world of Left brained people as I am trapped in a body not fitting my gender. I was being struck the other day with how reality seems to almost make an effort to exclude me from participation. If I go to a drinking fountain, many are made specifically for right handed people. Writing utencils are made specifically for right handed people, even though Left-handed people make up a sizable percentage of the population, 25-30%.
I was shopping for Christmas lights with my wife last night, and she asked if I needed any clothes. I almost laughed, because I feel like I need a whole wardrobe. All mine are of the wrong gender. Or at least the vast majority.
My left/right hemisphere switch works VERY well, it just doesn't allow for alot of cross hemisphere communication. I can think logically, spatially, visually, or I can think emotionally, socially, auditorily, but never the twain shall meet.
My consumption of chemicals is increasing. I worry the effect of mixing certain things with Paxil, but really, I feel like I'm sliding back to where I was when this diary started. I know now that I need to accept myself, and move on with my life, but understanding that and taking action on it are two different things. I made an analogy of making a mad dash from the protective cover of 'Male' to the protective cover of 'Female', but now I think I understand, the change should mean that I step out from the protective cover, and go where I must, regardless of that ever being 'Female'. I need to be strong enough to take whatever insults or ridicule society hurls at me. And, it means facing the possibility of being physically persecuted for my beliefs.
God, give me strength. Let me accept that what you have made me, you have done for a reason. Let me accept my place in your pattern without anger or regret. Let me stop lying to protect my fragile soul. Give me the courage to carry on.
What's the saying, 'when all else fails, pray'? That's sort of how I feel. Hypocracy. Your precious science has failed you Lynn, even though God did no better before. So, what now? Turn back to God?
This problem is tough. It's partly my reactions to social situations, who I'd prefer to be accepted by, how I'd like to be treated. It's partly sexual. All my sexual fantasies for the last... jeez... 6 years have been with me as the female.
07-Dec-99
Had another therapy session today.
It went okay, I think. I showed my therapist my sketchbook. She was impressed.
Now what? ... I sit... and wait... and nothing changes. I slide inevitably toward death, and I know I don't want to die unhappy. Gosh, I am SUCH a whiner.
09-Dec-99
Hi, I'm home sick again. Some kind
of stomach flu. Yuck. I went out and did some shopping yesterday, and realized
what a horrible consumer I am. I hate shopping. I think because I never
get to buy what I want. I don't know.
I dreamed last night of cuddling with a man, being held, and appreciated as a woman. I felt wanted, and loved, and right... for once. I can almost see the future of me. Sometimes it seems like everything in my life will be uprooted, and destroyed, and sometimes it seems like everything will finally be set right. I live in a city away from my family. Away from the friends of my childhood. I am already disconnected from my past. What do I have to loose here? A job that I maintain just to keep a lifestyle I hate?
I'd like to say life's not fair, but that's a cop-out. I know what needs to be done, but the transition period involves such pain, so much relearning. I am afraid, what can I say?
Later that day...
I got a nice e-mail from Pete in Cleveland
(Hi Pete) today. I want to say honestly, thanks for your kind words in
a time in my life when it's easy to see only bleak futures. I admit that
I tend to be pescimistic about the future, but that's my outlook from years
of dashed hopes. It's really refreshing to meet someone who simply accepts
and is supportive. I, myself honestly don't think I'd be as understanding
of gender/sex issues if I weren't mired hip-deep in them myself. Maybe
I would, who knows. I can be very empathic. Anyway, thanks for your concern
Pete.
I finished 'True Selves' today. It's a good book. I highly recommend it to people of value to TS's. It's informative and sympathetic to Transexuals. It covers the issues pretty well, and may bring new areas of thinking forward for TS's themselves. For me, at this time in my life, it carried alot of emotional charge. It hurt to read it, especially the negative responses some of the transitioning people had. There was still many warm examples of love and caring. Good book. I couldn't find it in stock in ANY of the five major bookstores in St. Louis I checked, and ended up ordering it from Borders. It was worth it. I've also read 'Confessions of a Gender Defender', another good book, but not as useful or informative as 'True Selves'. Lastly, I'm still working on 'Gender Outlaw', and will give you a comparison when I'm done.
Hey, this is my third Gender related book. Does that make me an honorary member of 'Gender book of the month club'? (Laugh).
13-Dec-99
Well, I decided to quit the Paxil
today. I'll be decreasing my dosage throughout the next several weeks in
an attempt to wean off of it. I understand quitting 'cold turkey' can have
some pretty serious side effects. I plan to replace the Paxil
with St. John's Wort. If that doesn't work.... well, we'll just see.
Over the past week or so, I've been coming across the notion that it really shouldn't be that big of a deal what gender I present myself as. But, I know the truth of the way the world works. There will be people who support me, people who won't understand, and people who will be downright disturbed by my actions. There's not much I can do. Not if I want to be happy.
14-Dec-99
Cut my 20mg to 10mg of Paxil
this morning. Had less problem this afternoon staying awake, but in my
drive home, I was filled with a sense of impending doom, and was certain
that some other driver on the road was going to accidentally kill me. Along
with that were some thoughts of intentional injury. Ugg. It sucked. I wanted
to hide when I got home. I crawled into bed, and even there was starting
to wonder about someone coming into the house while I was asleep. I finally
pushed all the thinking out of my head by force, and went to sleep.
Simple truth of my existance, I'm not happy. I was thinking this morning that I'm making no progress toward resolving those things which seem to be the cause of my unhappiness. I don't know if they ARE the cause or not. I don't know how to isolate things to test them. Along with the other stuff from decreasing the Paxil, I also noticed increased sexual function. And, I'm sorry to say that did not make me happy. I don't want to be reminded about sex in any form right now. My emotional needs are such that anyone that shows me kindness catches my attention sexually. I feel completely screwed up and not in control. The pain under my right collarbone is back. I am in hell, thank you very much.
15-Dec-99
Day two in hell. Lots of weird physical
effects (and mental effects) from dropping the Paxil
dosage. I need my concentration back, and NEED off this shit to get it.
I think my depression is caused by lack of estrogen in the brain being
converted to seretonin. That would explain alot. ALOT.
I need to start Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). I think it'd solve alot of this depression. At least bring it into a range where I could cope. My therapist wasn't available today when I asked to be moved from my scheduled Monday appt to today. I felt really suicidal. So, here it is, day by day coverage of someone falling apart. Neat huh? Where else could you get the benefit of watching another human psyche crumble! Get your tickets RIGHT HERE!
Well, I had a little plate of baked goodies. I think I'm done wallowing in my own misery. Now, where to find someone ELSE's misery to wallow in....
I'm kinda hoping to get a recommendation letter from my shrink for HRT soon. If not, I think I'm going to go nuts. for real.
Do-dee-do. Hmm-hmmm, la-la-la. Ran out of things to say. I was reading what I've been writing, and I'm starting to sound like a very monotonous, very unhappy skipping record..record...record....
Technology note for younger readers: Before the widespread commercial use of the laser, and therefore, before the compact disk, one of the forms in which music could be found was called the record, album, or sometimes, LP, which meant Long Playing, as opposed to the 45 (the smaller records for singles, which were so called because of their 45rpm speed of play) Which brings me to the next note on this archaic technology, they did not spin all at the same speed. Stranger still, the discs were made of vinyl (and wax before that) and used physical groves in which a tiny diamond needle was placed (connected to an arm) which was vibrated, and amplified to produce the sound (oooo ahhhh). Weren't our ancestors clever (in an primitive way)?
17-Dec-99
Yesterday went fairly well, till late
in the day. I started getting nervous, angry. A combination of St. John's
wort and 5 HTP in sufficient quantities held off the depression for a good
while. Not tonight though. I got totally pissed at my wife. SSDD. Sad.
I am very seriously considering ordering hormones, with or without my therapist's permission. I really feel, after trying every other alternative, that it's about the only chance I have left.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like transition is an alternative, it's a necessity. It's either that or death. And death is NOT really an alternative. I MUST be what I am.
I have wondered over the last several days if this is going to be the day I break down. I hope I make through to Monday. I have an appt with my therapist then. I hope I can convince her I NEED HRT, because I think I do.
Maybe the HRT would even my moods.
19-Dec-99
It's getting cold out. It's supposed
to start snowing soon. Well, here comes winter...
I haven't faired very well through Fall, so here's hoping I DO fair better through winter.
Sliding into the cold gray days of winter, existing on a chemical diet of ....
Awlright, enough of that bullshit. God, I'm morbid in my darkness some times!
Caution, if you FIND yourself talking like you see above, you may be seeing things from the wrong perspective. Yeesh. My future days lay out before me. Maybe one of them has the beginning of happiness.
Then here again the dark voice. Change Lynn, and who will love you? You heard the man Lynn, freak of science. You've SEEN the words they've written. There is no one willing to reach down into the pained souls of the dying. Is that it Lynn? You are only one of the dying? Never one of the living? No, you're a fragment of a greater whole, but you'd like to THINK you're the whole? Wouldn't you?
And again the dogged optimist: I am outgrowning the bounds of the shell I have created to allow me to come this far. Step out into the light Lynn. Stop being afraid. You are enough to conquer your fears and BE, for once, to actually be who and what you are. It is a horribly difficult road, there are pains in life beyond the transition. It is not the answer to all your problems, but it may be the answer to enough of them...
And the SO? I love her. I don't want to ruin what she has here. It's a choice I have to make. A tough one. I hope, if the transaction occurs, she'll still care for me. I know, no matter where my life takes me, I'll love her. I'll cherish the time we had together. She's a great lady, and my friend.
I've been thinking about brain chemistry, from the hypothalamus, to the thalamus,.. and it sorta led me into the adrenals...seretonin from 5 HTP, banannas; Seretonin converts into meletonin, this controls sleep/wake cycles. Is it effected by sleep apnia? Is seasonal depression from lowered levels of sunlight involved? Meletonin, in skin pigmant? What does meletonin in the skin blocking the sun have to do with light on the retina, sending info into the hypothalamus to convert seretonin (waking chemical) into meletonin, (for sleeping)? Messed up sleep cycles? sleep apnia alone? combination of apnia/low meletonin levels?
Seretonin (and meletonin) are made by the breakdown of estrogen in the brain? What does testosterone do in the body, excite the adrenals? Fire up DHEA and cortisol production. Cortisol breaks down seretonin, making us intentionally edgy. You know? Prolonged exposure to stressers throughout life may cause damage to the seretonin production.
I had a peptic ulcer when I was in high school. Got it from stress. Shortly after, I started smoking pot. No more ulcer. No more stress.
Gotta go. I'm fading.
21-Dec-99
I have succeeded, I think, in ruining
the Holidays for my wife. We just went to dinner. As the dinner progressed,
she became silent. My SO is not one to ever be silent. We ate in silence
like that. Bad, I told her at one point how sorry I was for the situation
I'd put her in. She's the perfect wife, I am NOT the perfect husband. I
should be no one's husband. God, what's wrong with me? Did I get too little
much Testosterone in vetro or what?
I am just selfish and living in a fantasy world? Stop... Stay calm Lynn.
You are not evil. You are not like the majority of the world. Your needs
of survival are different than theirs. That's all. They cannot understand
you.
Almost the full moon, almost Christmas...almost the new milenium. So many things about to happen. I dreamed of the Death card a couple days back. Change. 'Till the end of my days' I told her. I love her. I tried not to lie to her. I based the relationship on honesty. It almost worked.
So here I sit, wondering about my existance. I forget the obvious, who will share dinner with me? Who will I curl up with me at night? What will I be when I grow up? I keep waiting for the RIGHT puberty.
Maybe soon. Is it Thursday yet? (sigh).
23-Dec-99
Just let me live to my 29th birthday...
just a little more than a week... God, I'm totally loosing it. I have two
competing images in my head: The first, me, old, wise, female, warm...
cheerful; The second, me, now, with the barrel of a pistol to my head.
I know there's a change coming. Which one I guess depends on my strength.
Who am I living for? I feel like my existance is hollow. I drink alcohol, and smoke pot, hoping that the chemicals will make me forget what I am, or take my mind off of it. God, There's no escaping me. Even in my sleep... I just dream of it in a language of symbols.
Am I insane? Am I just totally out on a selfish ego trip? Is there the possibility that I'm right?
28-Dec-99
Been drinking heavily. It doesn't help,
just gives me headaches later. I'm so close to breakdown, I can practically
HEAR the fibers of my mind tearing. I wrote a fairly upbeat article for
the STLGF Gazette.
I don't think anyone wanted to know how far gone I was. Well, maybe they'll
read this. Hi, all. I'm a basket case!
I know there are folks out there that care for me, but in the end, I still feel all alone in this. Right on the edge of either being completely insane, or knowing without hesitation that I'm right. Maybe both. Hah, wouldn't THAT be a kicker! I feel like I can almost make the future materialize to my will, either future I wish. Happy wise woman, or .357 through the cranium. My call. My future seems to be polarizing to those two extremes.
I discussed divorce with my SO again last night. She brought up practical matters, who gets what dishes, furnature, CDs. She said this evening she didn't want to be the one to 'hold me back'. Hold me back from what? Am I making the right decission? Am I just being urged along by my exposure to the gender bent? I want an answer, God damn it! Just one stinking answer, okay? Is that too much to ask?
Just when I feel like I've decided for certain that I am utterly TS, the doubt creeps in. When I sleep, I always dream of Lynn now, being female. How wonderful. Then, I return to the land of waking, and the pain and doubt and fears return. And I'm so tired. My nerves are shot. I fantasize about being a female, being treated like a female. Living like a female. I hate my shell. I am too much of a coward to change.
I'm going to go home to Ohio. I'm going to see all my friends. I hope things go well there. If not, I may not return. I may just take the car, drive off somewhere and... cease to be.
I want to shake my fists in anger at being placed in this situation, but I've already gone through that. There's no one to blame. A crime with no perpetrator. Only a victim. Me.
...and just like that, someone who cares calls me, drags me out of my funk. Thanks D. I owe you one. The viscious little cycle of dark thoughts have been broken. Dispelled. I don't feel all fluffy-bunny happy, but I'm also not down in the gloom. Am I so conditioned to have a negative mental outlook? Years of minor depression shaping the way I think?
This may be my last entry of the year. If so, I hope you all have a good and safe new year, and let's all hope Y2K just drifts past uneventful. Good night all.