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Unlike many other men who complained about or did have weird childhoods, I have a pretty decent one...I guess. There were some dramas happened when I was a kid, but I guess it's ok for me since I am the kinda person who likes a little bit drama in my life.:-). No, I don't have a disfunctional family. If there is anything to blame or excuse of me being gay, it should be just me. |
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I still remember the first I talked to a guy in the phone. He asked me how long I have been gay. The question really shocked me. I didn't know how to answer that question. Beside, I wasn't comfortable by having myself connected to "the gay." (Hey, it was my first time.) Then I think the questions was too board. What is the meaning of being gay? And how long have I been "that" way? If being gay means being attracted to another man, then I have been gay in my life. If being gay means having already had sex with another men, then......(I guess I don't wanna talk about it. :-) |
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I believe I have come a long way to be who I am right now. From a little kid living at a medium size city in South China to a young professional living in Houston, TX, I have faced so many downs and ups. However, I learned, and I learned fast. |
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OK. Lets go back to my childhood.... |
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The second grade in high school was one of the darkest moment in my life. Since I isolated myself and my grade dropped dramitically, I lost the respect, frienship, and love I had from my classmates, teachers, friends. My parents didn't give me really good time either.:-(. I was 14, and it was the first time I wanted my freedom, the freedom from my hometown. I needed a fresh start. I started to figure a way to left my town. Finally, I figured it out that the only way to left my hometown is to get into the college in a bigger city. Getting into college isn't as easy in America as in China, especially I was the bottom 10 in my class at that time. However, I was determined, and there was not alternatives. I left all the other things behind me but studying. Sometimes I went to bed at 2am and got up at 7am in the cold winter to read English. I started playing basketball with my classmates for better relation, and I stopped my so-called "music-book" club with the girls in my class. People were pleased to notice that I was "normal" again. As my grade raised, I got back my respect. People started calling me again, and my teachers refered me as an excellent "come-back" student of the year. However, I wasn't really happy. I just felt like I am robot driven by the society. For my survival, I had to be a good boy, a good boy that everyone in that society wants you to be. (Sadly, this happens in every society.) I wasn't me, but I know I need the repsect and peace so that I have the oppunitity to study and get into college. My effort wasn't wasted. I finally got into the college I wanted to, and my Chinese exam score was number one in my school and number four in my city. By the time I was accepted by the college, I made a deep breath......Yes, I was free then, the first time in my life. |
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My college years was the happiest years in my life. (Assuming my rest of life do really sucks.) I was still inocent enough to have good time without worrying too much about the future. It was 1990, and China were more open to the world. In the GuangZhou (one of the biggest and liberal cities in South China, the city I went to college,) college students started talking about "gay." However, as a boy from small city, I wasn't aware of what "gay" means. Once I grabbed a boy in my arms, my roommate made a joke "Lee, you are so gay." I was nut and asked "what does "gay" mean?" He said with disappointment "Oh well, you are not. You don't even know what gay means." I was really curious and asked again "Does gay mean prostitute?" All my roommates laughed, and they "yes." |
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In college, most guys were talking about girls and pussies. It was like a fashion to date a girl to be cool. I occasionaly wanted to be "cool," but I have never been "cool" anyway. Surprising, I didn't think too much about my sexuality in college, unlike my high school year. I was spending too much time eating out, watching HongKong video, and playing porkers. No one suspected I was gay because there was a really queeny guy in my class. He had all the attention. Compared with him, I could be Clint Eastwood (yuck!) So, I was safe in college. |
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After my graduation, I spend one year working as an accountant at a construction firm. My dad was the friend of the manager out there, so I was pretty relaxed. Often, I was sent to some business trips, but mostly, I spent time singing Karoke on the trips. One night when I was on my business trip, my dad called me "Lee, you are going to America, and you should get your visa next month by now." I was speechless. I didn't really know what kind of life I will live. I was scared, but I was excited as well. However, I still continued to do my fun stuffs like going to dancing bars with my co-workers, lots of eating and sleeping because I knew by the time I was in the U.S. I wouldn't able to have good time likes that anymore. I was right. |
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I spent couple years in Miami. Because I spent too much having fun in the college, I forgot all the Engish I learned in China. By the time I came here, I had to use my finger to figure out which day is "Thursday.":-) I lived in my uncle's house, but I moved out after I stayed there for 41 days. I started to make my own money and pay my own rent. I worked as a full time waitor and went to ESL school at night time when I didn't need to work. It was the time I worried about how much money in my pocket than how much love a guy can give me. I picked up some basic English pretty quick because after all I am still educated. Of course, I picked up the word "gay" too, and I finally realized what my roommate meant. |
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Because I spent all my early life in China, I still though America was the country with "few more gay guys." only at the time I lived in Miami . When a guy offfered to pick me up when I was waiting for the bus, when a guy put his arm on my shoulder, when a guy winked at me with his male "friend," I just though they were just being kind. (I still think that way sometimes until later I yelled "wait a minute! Isn't he gay?"). |
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One day, one year after I lived in the U.S, I went to auto service station to have a oil change. I was sitting waiting. Since there wasn't anything I can do, I grabbed a local newspaper. Accidently, I grabbed the classfield section. First time in my life, I saw the words "Men seeking Men." I felt I was finding another America. My heart started pumping into my throat. I kept reading. I counted the number of the ads. It was 15, and I realized "Hey, that is not bad, there are at least other 15 gay guys in Miami!" (Am I dumb or what?). |
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I wasn't dumb for long. After over one year I lived in the U.S. I start making contact with guys. My first guy's name is Robert. He is a gay book store owner in Fort Laulerdale. He was 29 by the time I met him. He seems pretty nice. We talked several times in the phone before we met. I told him I was a virgin and didn't have any experiences with guys. He doubted it (still now,) but he said he liked to give me some books to read to make me strong. The first time I met him I already decided to go to bed with him. It was my first time having sex, and it was the first time being with a guy too. I had lots of mixing feeling when I had sex with him. I liked the touch. I liked the way he massaged my back, kiss my lips, and just hold me tight with his arms. He told me since it was still a virgin, he didn't want to do more "serieous stuffs" at the first time. I did have good time, and I felt the way I had never felt before, strange but good. However, I still couldn't overcome the guilt I had. When I was with him in bed, I always poped up a question in my mind "What if my parents will think if they see my doing this?" A vision of my parents sighing with sadness popped in my mind. That bothered me alot. After all the excitement, I calmed down and felt a sadness in my heart, a sadness combined with shame. I walked into his back yard. It was cold out side at night. I was naked after a shower. The wind blow my hair and the water on my skin. I felt chilly, but I just standed there for a while because I wanted to suffer the cold. I felt that is the penalty I should have. I felt I should be punished. Robert came out and put a towel around me. He asked if I am ok. I said yes, but I told him I gotta run. I put my clothes on and ran likes a wild cat from a stranger. |
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When I was driving back home, I opened my window and let the wind blow into my car, and I felt a freshness from the nature. I kept asking if I really enjoy the sex I had , and I kept saying "no" to myself. Finally, I was happy with "no" I gave to myself. I talked to myself "hmmm, maybe I am not gay after all." One the next day, I called Robert and told him that I felt so guilty and wanted to stopped the whole thing. He said he understand, but he still doubted that I was a virgin because I was good......:-). I haven't seen him after then, and I totally withdrawn from all the gay dating scene for over a year. |
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As time went by, I getting lonely again. Not surprising, everytime I felt lonely, I imagined myself with a dream guy from some soap operas, not a dream grils from Baywatch (the guys from Baywatch are fine though.:-).). I finally came to the point that the reason why I didn't enjoy the sex is not the one I had sex with but myself. The reason I didn't enjoy it is I didn't enjoy being myself. I lied to myself and denied for who I am. It took time to learn, and I am still learning it. |
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Right now, I am more comfortable with who I am than I was 5 years ago. I feel I am ready to accept who I am and accept another man in my heart and my life. Unfortunately, I haven't found this guy yet, but someday I will. I have dated some guys. I fell in love with them, but it ended up with broken heart. Fortunately, I somehow still remain the boyish innocence and unique tenderness I had from my childhood, but I will reserve to someone truly loves me only. No the one who just likes me, but the one loves me. I am not as strong as my friends look at me, but I am not as frail as I view myself either. After all these years, I learn to love, and I leave to hate too. That makes me a complete normal person. However, the most of all, I learn to love myself, or at least, I am tryiing to learn to love myself. I am comfortable with who I am because I love myself. I am willing to give my heart to my true love because I love myself. I want someone to love me because I love myself, and I learn to let things go and give my future guy an opputunity to get into my heart because I love myself. I still have a dream, but I do know how the world functions. I have a different view point of coming out. As long as it works, I don't mind if guys coming out or not. If I think it's neccessary to come out, I will. However, the issue is not whether to come out. The issue is whether we are comfortable with who we are and accept ourselves being gay from the bottom of our hearts. I have seen some guys who are okay with their sexuality even though they live in a very "straigh" style, and I don't think all the guys in gay pride parade are 100% comfortable with their sexuality. I am not out to my family yet, but someday I might. The question is not that if I am ok with who I am. The question is that when is the best time to tell. When it's time to tell, I will. Hopefully, with someone holding my hand when I say "Mom, Dad, I am gay.":-). |
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P.S. I have received many emails from the people around the world. I really appreciate your attentions and kindness. Some letters make me feel sad. I am sorry I don't have the time to answer email. But here is my survival guide for myself about a relationship: |