BACK		Before The Goodbye

By Unknown

Hiya my name is Kian Egan and I’m famous, well at least I was. I was once one fifth of the world’s most famous boy band ever. Until my world fell apart. Read my story here.

The lads and I were doing a signing at The Virgin Mega store in Glasgow when I saw her. She walked up to me and said
“Can you sign this please?”
“Sure” I Stuttered “Whats your name?”
“Kimberley” she smiled. God what an amazing smile she had. She was absolutely stunning. She was wearing black full-length trousers with a split at the bottom, which went to her knees, a peach boob tube, and a pair of black sandals with two inch heals. She definitely needed the extra height because at 5ft she wasn’t exactly what you call tall. She had amazing eyes. They were dark blue, but there was something about them… about her! I can’t describe what it was but I knew from that moment I loved her.

I don’t usually date fans but I could tell Kimberley was special. As I watched her walk away I knew I had to do something otherwise I might never see her again.
“Kian, you alright mate?” Shane asked
“No Shay I’m not, I’ll be back in a minute.” I said standing up, knowing I was in trouble for walking out on 400 fans, but I didn’t care. I knew she was worth it.

“Eh… excuse me.” I called out when I caught up with her. As she looked around to see who I was talking to I said “Kimberley? Right?”
“Yeah, that’s me” she said looking really puzzled
“I’m Kian,” I said shaking her hand.
“Yeah I know.” She giggled
“Sorry” I blushed. “Look I’m just gonna get straight to the point. I saw you in there and I just wanted to tell you I think your gorgeous and I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner sometime?”
“Me?” she spluttered. “You’re kidding. Right? This is a joke ain't it?”
“No I’m being deadly serious. So… would you?” I asked twiddling my thumbs. Never in a million years did I expect this beautiful girl to say yes. Kimberley’s face went a very bright red colour.
“Sure. Why not?” She grinned.
“Great>” I cried taking her phone number. “I’ll phone you tonight” I promised. I gave her a cuddle and a peck on the cheek and we left it at that. As I walked back to the signing I knew I was in trouble but I didn’t care. I’d just met the girl of my dreams and I was happy. For the first time in seven months I was extremely happy.

Later that night I called her. I couldn’t wait. I really wanted to hear her voice again. I’ll be honest usually the Scottish accent doesn’t get me going but for some reason hearing Kimberley talk did. I could listen to her talk all day. We arranged to go to the cinema and then for something to eat. I couldn’t wait!

When I dropped Kimberley off after our date I couldn’t keep the smile off face we’d had great fun. I knew right then I wanted to see her again. We stood at her door and being the gentleman that I am I asked her if I could kiss her – and wow what a kiss. I knew right then this was the girl I was destined to be with. She asked if I wanted to come for coffee. When I said no I could see the disappointment on her beautiful face.
“Kimberley, its not because I don’t want to, because trust me I do! But I respect you too much and if its gonna happen, its gonna happen” She seemed to understand because she gave me one of her sexiest smiles ever.
“OK” She smiled “But Kian are you gonna phone me again?” she asked shyly.
“Course I am. Kim, I like you. A lot! Your gonna hear a lot more from me from now on.” I said kissing her. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” I said blowing her a kiss and walking down her path.

Kimberley and I had been a couple for four weeks when I had to leave for London. The other lads left three weeks ago. Shane went to Sligo to visit his horses, Gillian and his family. Nicky went home to Dublin to visit Georgina and his family, Bryan went on holiday with Kerry and Molly for a couple of weeks, and Mark, he went back to his folks house in Sligo to chill out for a little while. I didn’t go home. I couldn’t leave Kimberley. It was so unfair, I’d only just found her and now I had to let her go again. Life was so cruel. I knew me Mam and Dad would understand. They knew how happy she made me. So did the other lads. At first Bryan was funny about it, what with Kimberley only being 18, but once I explained to him I only wanted with him and Kerry have he soon came to love her as much as I do. As I boarded the plane I could see her wipe her eyes I guessed she was crying. Please don’t cry sweetie I whispered touching the window. As the plane took off a lump formed in my throat.
“I love you Kimberley McLeod.” I whispered out loud as I swallowed back my tears. “I love you!” There I’d said it, and I didn’t care who knew about it. I was going to make a public announcement the next day. I was going to tell the world I, Kian Egan love Kimberley McLeod. The next week the press were swarming around her. They wouldn’t let her do anything. I felt so guilty for putting her through it all, but I knew it was a test and if she survived then she really did love me.

“We’d been going out for 15 months, when Kimberley started acting all weird. I couldn’t work out what was wrong so I confronted her.
“K, whats wrong?”
“Nothing” she whispered
“Don’t give me that crap Kimberley, I know you! I know when something’s wrong. Tell me please.” I pleaded with her.
“I cant Kian,” she sobbed. “You’ll hate me so much. I’ve ruined your life”
“I could never hate you Kimberley, I love you. You are my life. Tell me please.”
“I cant,” she wept
“Its someone else isn’t it?” I whispered, trying to look her in the eyes.
“No” She shook her head.
“Well what the hell is it then?” I yelled
“I’m pregnant!” Kimberley screamed. “There are you happy now?” she yelled as the tears flew from her eyes like a flowing river.
“But… but… you… you can’t be.” I stammered, clutching the arm of the chair for support.
“Well I am. What am I going to do Kian?” Kimberley asked as she broke down and cried. But instead of being the caring boyfriend I should have been, instead of comforting the woman I love, instead of telling her everything would be all right I said
“Kimberley, I can’t be a dad. What about the band?” I knew as soon as I said it I wanted to take it back, I really did. I didn’t mean it I swear to god I didn’t mean it. I’ll never forget the look of hate in Kimberley’s eyes.
“Excuse me? What about the band? What about me? Why don’t you ever care about anyone but yourself? Its always me, me, me with you isn’t it Kian?” Kimberley screamed, her eyes bulging with anger. “I’m outta here.” She yelled running out the door.
“Kimberley wait! I didn’t mean it” I called running after her.

I ran around the corner, but she was nowhere to be seen. Just then out of the corner of my eye I saw her… then the bus!
“KIMBERLY!!” I screamed, but it was too late the bus hit her. I saw it all in slow motion. I saw Kimberley, my angel, my life, running across the road. Running away from me! I saw the bus. I saw Kimberley being thrown up into the air and then crashing down on the ground. I ran over to her. I saw her broken body lying crumpled on the ground. She was still alive, but I knew it was just a matter of time.
“Kimberley, princess, I’m sorry.” I wept while I held my angel in my arms.
“Kian, the baby…”
“The baby’s gonna be fine. I promise.” I croaked stroking her stomach.
“No Ki, I cant feel the baby move.”
“Sshhh, you’ll be fine… both of you.”
“Kian, I know I’m going to die” Kimberley said trying to smile.
“K…”
“No Kian let me finish. I need you to promise me something. I want you to promise me that if our baby survives you’ll look after it. Promise me Kian, please I need you to promise me.”
“Kimberley you’re not going anywhere! Do you hear me? We’ll get you to a hospital, you’ll be fine.” Kimberley shook her head.
“No Kian, you need to let me go. Please just let me go. I need you to let me go.”
“I cant,” I cried as my tears soaked her. “I need you Kimberley. I cant live without you. You can’t die. What about me? I’ll never cope. I can’t even work the washing machine.” I sobbed, rocking Kimberley in my arms.
“Kian listen to me.” She said her voice getting stronger by the second. “Are you listening to me? You’ll be fine. I need you to be strong. Can you do that?” I nodded my head. “Kian when I’m gone I want you to move on with your life.”
“What?” I cried.
“You heard, please… find a nice girl, settle down. Live your life. I’ll be waiting for you. I promise.”
“I’ll never love anyone as much as I love you Princess.”
“Kian please just promise you’ll move on with your life?”
“I promise Princess, I promise.” I said cradling her in my arms.
“Kian” she whispered. “I want you to know something. I love you. I love you so much. I’ll always love you, no matter where I am.”
“Ditto.” I cried.
“Kian there’s something else. I don’t want you to think I kept the baby from you. I would never do that, I only found out myself last week… I’m five months gone.”
”I’m sorry Kimberley.” I wept as fresh tears overflowed from my eyes; I was surprised I didn’t think I had any tears left.
“Don’t be. This wasn’t your fault. Your gonna be one heck of a dad, whether its to this baby, or some other baby. You’ll be great. I just wish I could be here to see it.”
“I swear to god I didn’t mean what I said. I need you to know that K. I need you to believe that I didn’t mean it.”
“I know you didn’t baby… thank you for the best 15 months of my life. I’ll always treasure them, no matter where I am.”
“Kimberley I don’t think I can cope without you.”
“You listen here Mr Egan. Your gonna be fine. I need to go, I don’t think I can hold on much longer Kian, but I need to know your gonna be alright.” I gave Kimberley one last kiss; I knew she was about to leave me, so I did the only thing I could think of. I prayed. Prayed she’d leave this cruel world and find peace in a better place. The ambulance arrived, and they felt about Kimberley’s womb. The baby was alive. Just!

I was sitting in the waiting room when the doctor came in.
“Mr Egan, I’m terribly sorry but Kimberley has died. Her injuries were just too horrific.” Nodding, I whispered.
“And our baby?”
“We managed to get to the baby in time. She’s in an incubator at the moment but that’s to be expected since she was born four months early.”
“Can I see her?”
“Of course. But Mr Egan, I must warn you, the baby is very weak. She might not survive the night!” As I saw our baby I couldn’t help the tears. She was so much like her Mam. She had Kimberley’s mouth, and nose. I named our baby Kyra Kimberley Egan; I know Kimberley would like it.

After the accident I left Westlife, I couldn’t juggle being a pop star and a dad. I know the fans understood. Kyra is three now. She is so much like her Mam it’s unbelievable. She has so much of Kimberley’s personality in her I honestly believe Kim lives through our child some how. Kyra is so smart; I know her Mam would be proud of her. Kyra’s not old enough to understand but when she asks about her Mam, I tell her, her Mam is in every cloud, every butterfly. She is in every beautiful thing on this earth. When Kyra is older I’ll sit her down and say “Princess” then I’ll tell her how wonderful her Mam was, and I’ll tell her how much I still love her Mam. The day I lost Kimberley I lost my girlfriend, my sole mate, my best friend and my will to life. The only thing that keeps me going is Kyra. Apart from my daughter I’ll never love another woman the way I love Kimberley McLeod. I’m still trying to come to terms with Kimberley being gone. I know what happened that day was my fault, but I also know Kimberley wouldn’t want me to beat myself up over it. I just hope she knows how much I love her, and how much I always will love her because its too late to tell her now. I just live for the day when Kimberley, Kyra and I can be a family. Together.