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Close your eyes so you don’t feel them
They don’t need to see you cry
I can’t promise I will heal you
But if you want to I will try

I had never see him like he was that day. Something had changed…something was missing. We sat together for hours in silence, I tried to touch him, I tried to comfort him, but every time I reached for him he moved away, frightened almost, as though I was going to hurt him. I hated seeing him like that. He had always been so full of life, so full of energy. That’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. But looking at him that day was like looking at a stranger. On the outside he was barely recognisable, his face and body covered in cuts and bruises. And everything on the inside had changed too. He looked so scared, so fragile…I inwardly cursed the bastards who had done this to him. And for what? Just because of his job, that’s all. Because he was Kian from Westlife. Just because they were jealous that he had made something of his life while one by one they all ended up on the dole queue. Just because he was successful and happy, they couldn’t bare it so they had to do something about it. And that something had happened late one night, a night that should have been filled with happiness. It was Kian’s birthday, and we had been out celebrating with all of our closest friends. The night was beautiful, and we had decided to walk back to our house instead of taking a cab. We had been laughing about something when it happened. In a split second Kian’s laughter turned to cries of agony as they punched and kicked him to the ground. It was all over before I had even figured out what was happening; they had run off before I could get a good look at them, leaving Kian unconscious and bleeding by the side of the road. The streets were empty; there had been no one around to help us. I kept calling, but nobody ever came. I felt so useless; I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t stop crying as I held Kian’s lifeless body in my arms…I kept talking to him until the ambulance arrived…I kept telling him how much I loved him, that I would never let him go…I don’t know if he heard me, he never really spoke about that night again. Nobody really knew what happened except us.

PART 2

The past is done we’ve been betrayed it’s true
Some might say the truth will out
But I believe without a doubt in you

Things could never be the same after that awful night. I tried so hard not to lose him; I wanted him to see how badly I needed him. I truly believed in him, even when he didn’t even believe in himself. Those days were probably some of the hardest of our lives. For the first few days after the attack Kian didn’t speak. He just sat in a corner, huddled up, staring at nothing. Sometimes as I watched him I would see a tear falling down his cheek, or his whole body shaking. I lost count of the times I tried to hold him only for him to pull away. That really broke my heart. I hated to see him look so devastated, I wanted to help him so much, and I wanted to tell him that he would be okay, but he never let me. He shut me out of his life, and I couldn’t understand why. I knew how much he was hurting…Kian was such a friendly person, so full of love, that he couldn’t understand why this had happened to him. In all the years I had known him, he’d never hurt anybody. He had always been so gentle, so trusting…maybe too trusting at times. He had a tendency to look for the good in everyone, he always wanted to believe the best about people, but there had been times when his open nature had left him badly hurt. I knew him well enough to know that his heart must have been broken that night, and the press hadn’t helped repair it, they had made it worse as usual. Ever since the attack, there had been all sorts of stories going around about the motives behind it. Some people said that Kian started it, something that I just had to laugh at. Kian couldn’t harm a fly, let alone beat up three guys on dark street! Some said that it was all down to alcohol on Kian’s part, others said that there were drugs involved. But the overriding opinion was that Kian was arrogant and smug; that he had been throwing his weight around and, by doing this, had provoked the attackers. Some people even went so far as to say he asked for it. Nothing could be further from the truth; I only wished that there were some way of getting that through to them. They painted a horrible picture of Kian over those weeks, and although he never said anything, I could see just how much these stories were getting to him. A fortnight after it had all happened, things changed. Kian had been crying, sobbing so hard, and I couldn’t just leave him like that, although by this time I knew that he would probably only pull away, I still tried to comfort him. Only this time he didn’t pull away, he let me take him in my arms. I felt him tense as I wrapped my arms around him…I could sense that the fear was still there. But after a moment he finally let go, and he started to hug me back.
‘Why did they do it to me Rachel?’ He cried. ‘Why?’
‘I don’t know why Kian.’ I said, tears falling down my own face.
‘I’m so sorry.’ He said softly, over and over again.
‘It’s alright now Kian,’ I whispered. ‘Everything’s going to be okay.’

PART 3

Yesterday when we were walking
You talked about your ma and dad
What they did that made you happy
What they did that made you sad
We sat and watched the sun go downv Then picked a star before we lost the moon
Youth is wasted on the young
Before you know it’s come and gone too soon

It was a long time before Kian would leave the safety of the house, but one day, out of the blue, he suggested a walk down to the lake with me. It was a quiet evening, and the sun was just setting as we sat down by the water. We talked for hours about everything. He didn’t mention the attack at first; instead he talked about memories. We talked a lot about the day we first met, the first time we kissed, the first time we said ‘I love you’. He seemed relaxed, but not entirely at ease. And I could still see the sadness in his eyes. As the first stars appeared in the sky, Kian kissed me.
‘I’m sorry Rachel.’ He said.
‘What for?’ I asked.
‘For shutting you out.’ He replied. ‘I needed you so much, but I turned you away and I’m sorry.’
‘There’s no need to be, I understand.’ I said, smiling at him. ‘Honestly. I’m just happy to have you back.’
‘But I need to explain why.’ He said, his voice heavy with tears. ‘I felt ashamed, I thought you would think I was stupid for letting it get to me like that.’
‘Oh Kian I would never think that!’ I said. ‘How could I? I love you too much!’
‘I know that…deep down I always knew you were there for me no matter what,’ he said, smiling softly at me. ‘But I felt weak, I felt lost…I just want you to know that I didn’t do it to hurt you. The way I dealt with it all…shutting you out like that…it wasn’t intentional.’
‘I know.’ I said. ‘I know you could never hurt me.’

PART 4

You were there for summer dreaming
And you gave me what I need
And I know you’ll find your freedom
Eventually…

They say that the only people who can hurt you are those you love, so I guess that explains the pain inside me now. Kian wasn’t strong…he had always been hurt by someone all through his life, and in the end it was more than he could take. He never really got over the attack, although he tried to pretend he had that night by the lake. Something was wrong, I could feel it, but I didn’t know what it was. Kian was reluctant to leave; every time I suggested going back he said ‘just a few more minutes.’ We must have lain there for hours, just watching the night sky. It felt so peaceful, just the two of us. And in my heart I truly thought that things were getting better, I thought that Kian had started to recover. Looking back now, I can see that he hadn’t, the pain was still there, as strong as ever. Maybe I didn’t want to see it; maybe I didn’t want to admit that things had changed forever. If I didn’t want to see it then I have no choice but to see it now, looking at the note for the hundredth time. It wasn’t long, only a few lines…

Rachel,
I’m so sorry for doing this to you, but I know that one day you’ll realise why I had to.
You’re so strong, I wish I was more like you, but I’m not. I can’t handle this life anymore,
I can’t take the pain it has brought both you and me. That’s why I’m leaving. I just have to get away,
I don’t think I’d survive if I stayed here any longer. I’m so sorry Rachel; I wish more than anything that
I could stay with you, but I don’t want to bring you down with me. You’re so full of life, and I want you
to live that life to the fullest. Maybe one day I’ll see you again, who knows, but I know for certain that I’ll
never forget you. I’ll always love you; I’ll always care for you. I hope you find somebody to love,
someone who deserves you more than I ever did. Please don’t come looking for me…I couldn’t go through
with all this if I saw you again. I’ll always treasure last night…I meant everything.
Take care and be happy,
Kian

He left during the night. I still can’t believe that I didn’t hear him go. I woke the next morning to find that note lying on the bed next to me, where Kian should have been. I’ve cried so much over him; I never thought I’d get over him leaving. But I’m slowly starting to realise why he had to go. I haven’t tried to find him; I wouldn’t go against his wishes. I had to let him go, it would have broken him to keep him here. If you love someone, if you truly love them, then you’ll let them go and that’s what I had to do. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone that much again…somewhere deep in my heart there will always be a place for Kian. There’s a part of me that still thinks one day he might just walk through the door, but deep down I know that he won’t. I know he’s in a better place now, a place where he’s free and where nobody can hurt him. He’s got his fresh start, the fresh start he so desperately needed. I often visit the lake where we spent what was to be our last night together. I go there just to think about him, to think about the happy times we shared. I’m starting to be able to think of Kian with a smile nowadays. I always look up at the sky and wonder where he is…and I always make a wish on a shooting star, it’s something I picked up from Kian. He would never let one go by without wishing on it. So whenever I see a shooting star in the night sky, I make a wish that he’s happy; wherever he may be, whatever he’s doing, I wish that he’s found true happiness at last…

…For Eternity.


© Joanne Griffin 2001