BACK		From a different point of view

By Kay

Another day at the studio! Great!
“Heel, toe, Heel, toe, back step, back step, jump,” Pricilla shouted over the racket of the music. Ten days left, ten days!
“Shane! Stop bloody day dreaming and concentrate!”
Great! I’m getting shouted at again!
“Yeah well if this wasn’t so boring maybe I wouldn’t!” I shout back. The rest of the guys looked shocked. I’m usually the quiet one in the group, never shouting at anyone.
Pricilla walked over to the speakers and switched them off, she then stood right in front of my face.
“Am I boring you Filan?” She asked, “If I am then get the hell out!” She screams pointing towards the door. I look to the ground, I knew I was in the wrong.
“Alrighty then,” she walked back to the speakers and carried on.
I feel like screaming like a lunatic and running out but I know I can’t. I carry on, this time concentrating.

I walk alone back to my apartment. Walk because my cars been towed, alone because everyone else had gone home hours ago. I had been cocking up all the time in the choreography so Pricilla had sent me to see Louis. I hadn’t really been feeling myself for the past few days and obviously, people had noticed.
“What wrong with you Shane?” Louis had asked me,
“I don’t know,” I had replied. We had talked for ages. He had asked if my personal life was ok, it was. Asked if the guys in the band were being ok with me, they were. As far as I could tell, nothing was wrong, but Louis spotted it.
“Shane, do you have a girlfriend?”
I had shaken my head, I hadn’t. I wasn’t aware how affective a girl is in your life until that moment. I realised how much I missed having a girl for company. Holding them, nursing you back to health. I want one. I know it sounds kind of big headed, but I know I can get one.

“Shanie wanie! Wake up!” Bryan tickled me underneath the chin were I’m most ticklish. I squirm out of his arms and roll away. I was lying on my back in the dance studio, almost asleep.
“Fcuk off Bry!”
“Ooo! Who’s in a grumpy mood hey!” Bryan stood back up and went over to talk to Mark. I continue to lie on the floor. My thoughts are racing. Where can I meet a nice girl? Where? I look over at Nicky and Kian. Would they know a good place? I stand carefully up and walk wearily over to them. They look at me as if to say, What the hell are you doing here?
“Erm… guys can I ask you something please?” I say. They nod their heads. I swallow hard and prepare to ask.
“Well, erm, since both of you are well, single, could like the three of us go out sometime?” I hesitate as I wait for their answer. Should I just leave now and run away?
Kian smiles,
“Yeah sure mate! That’ll be wicked!” He seems enthusiastic. I sigh with relief and look at Nicky,
“What about you?”
He bites his lower lip and looks at the both of us.
“I’d love to guys, but I kind of have a girlfriend already.” You what? I’ve never heard that before! And by the looks of it neither’s Kian.
“You have a girlfriend? Why didn’t you tell us? What’s her name?”
Nicky sighs and looks at me. He looks a bit embarrassed.
“She’s called, erm, Jennie.” I gasp. No, not her!
“You mean… Jen?”
Nicky nods his head. I slap my hand on my forehead and take a step back. Oh god no! Please no! Why did she have to come back! Why!
“Shane? You ok?” I think that was Nicky. I look at him in disgust. How could he? How could he go out with her?”
“Shane?”
I turn round and storm out of the studio. I don’t care who gawps at me as a go. I don’t give a dam! He, one of my best mates, is going out with the girl that tortured me. And I mean literally!
“Shane! Get back over here now!” Pricilla screams after me. I don’t take the slightest bit of notice. I just want to get out of there.
“Shane!” I look over my shoulder and see Bryan and the others chasing after me. I start to run. Now I’m out of the building. I can breath again! Bryan is still chasing me so I carry on running. I run out into the road. Bryan screams my name again, but I carry on running.
“Shane! Look out!” That’s the last thing I hear. Nicky’s voice. I feel the cars bonnet slam into my side. I cry out in pain. I feel my bones breaking like they were made of brittle. The pain surges through my whole body. I cry out again, but I don’t hear myself. My body is thrown up into the air. I feel the air being knocked out of me. I can’t breathe. Far below I see the blurry figures of my friends. They stare up at me. I can see that they’re screaming, but I can’t hear them. I start to fall back down to earth. I hit the ground, head first. I am immediately knocked out. I know nothing.

I try to open my eyes but my eyelids are too heavy. I try to lift my arm. Too heavy. I can’t move. All I can do is breath through my nose. I feel terrible. My whole body is aching like crazy. I can hear a faint humming noise in my ears. It’s getting louder. I can make out a few words. “Suffered… many injuries… few months… years.”
I hated the way the person had said years. How bad had I suffered? What had actually happened?
I try to move my mouth. It hurts.
“When will he be awake?”
I can hear clearer now. That was Kian. I was sure of it.
“The chances are very slim I am afraid Mr. Egan, he might not make it through the night.”
Oh god no. I can’t die. Not now. I’m too young. I have my whole life ahead of me. Please god. Not now.
“Oh god.”
That was Kian again. He sounds so tired. I wonder how long I’ve been here. A day? Two? A week? I haven’t got the faintest idea. I want to make them know I’m awake. I’m alive. For now.
I try to open my mouth and talk. I make a small gap. I try to talk again. Bubbles start to foam out of my mouth.
“Doc? Is that usual?”
He must have spotted them.
“No, actually. That is quite unusual.”
I feel a hand on the side of my face.
“Shane? Can you here me?”
I knew what I had to do. I blew some more bubbles. I hear Kian gasp, “Doc! He answered! Shane? Can you hear me? It’s Kian.”
Again I blow some more. Kian whoops with joy. I try to smile but I can’t. It hurts too much.
“Doc? Is there any way we can help him to talk?”
Yes! Yes! Please help me Kian!
“I’m sorry Mr. Egan, we don’t have any record of this ever happening before. I’m afraid we don’t know how to help him. He has to fight. I am sorry Mr.Egan.” Dam.
I hear a door opening and closing. I want to open my eyes. Same as before. Can’t.
“Shane, Nicky is really sorry.”
This time I didn’t do anything. I just lie there. Listening.
“Shane, you’ve broken both of your legs. The car was going quite slow. Any faster and you wouldn’t be here now. I saw you,” I heard Kian sniff, “I saw you get hit, you flying up, you crashing back down to the ground. I thought you were dead for sure. You weren’t moving. That will scar me for life. An image of you, lying there. Blood was pouring out of a gnash in your head. I panicked. We all did. Mark reacted first. He ran over to you. Checked your pulse. You were still alive. I rang the hospital and got an ambulance to come down. I looked at your face. I couldn’t make it out. I started to cry. I cried my heart out Shane, all for you.”
Now I feel like crying. Crying for me, crying for Kian. I’m glad I can’t see. I don’t want to see Kian’s face. It would be too much for me. The pain, the fear, the anxiety.
“Shane, when I saw you it made me realise something. It made me realise that if I lose you, or anyone, I won’t be able to take it.”
I feel a hand on my arm.
“Don’t die on me Shane. Please not now.”
I cry. Deep inside of me I weep.

I wake up again. This time I can just open my eyes. I have to squint. I can see a blurry figure sitting down on my right. I try to talk. My mouth opens and closes, but no noise escapes. I try to move. Can’t. What time is it? What day is it even? I can just see the door being opened. I think it’s Bryan. The figure sitting by on the chair moves.
“How is he?” This is definitely Bryan’s voice.
“No change.” That was Nicky. He must be sitting down. I close my weary eyes and try to move my tongue. Thank God! I can move it! Maybe now I can talk?
“H…el… o,” I did it!
Bryan and Nicky ran over to my bed.
“Shane? Shane can you hear us?”
“Y… es.”
“Bry! Go get Kian!”
I hear the door again. I was alone with Nicky.
“Shane, I’m sorry for not telling you. This is all my fault.”
“No… Nick… it’s not.”
“Shane it bloody well is! I was the one that made you run out of there! I was the one that made you run out into the road! It was me! All of it was me!”
I try to move my arm. Crap. I can’t. Instead I try and talk,
“Nicky… no… not your fault.”
We were disturbed by a knock on the door. Another figure appeared in the room.
“Oh my god! Shane!”
“Shane! You’re talking! Oh thank god! Thank god!”
It’s Mark and Kian. I think Kian took my arm. Just like he had last night. At least I think it was last night.
“Hey… guys.”
I feel Kian squeezing my arm tightly. I love him so much. That might sound a bit gay but I seriously do as a friend. He and the other guys, I love them.
“Shane, you are gonna get through this mate. You will get through this. You have to.” That was Mark. I want to hug them all so much. But I can’t. I struggle to even breathe properly. Its like my lungs are blocked off and only a centimetre of air can get in at a time. I feel as if I’m going to die.
“Am… I going… die?” I tried to say but it didn’t come out properly. Kian looked at me and shook his head,
“Shane, you are not going to die. We will not let you die.”
And turn my head away from everyone. I can’t bare them to see me like this. Me, on my death bed.

It was just Nicky and me again. Alone, on our own, in the hospital room.
“I broke it off with Jen!” Nicky sighed, grabbing my arm. “I couldn’t look at her without thinking of what I did to you. I couldn’t take it anymore.”
To tell you the truth, I was relived. I hated Jennie so much. I didn’t ever want to hear her name again. She had tortured me into getting her famous. She had locked me in a room, no food, drink, and had only let me out when I had promised to let her be my girlfriend until she was known world-wide. That was five years ago. This is now.
“Shane, I’m sorry for everything. Even if you say it wasn’t my fault, deep down it will always be to me. I’m sorry for getting together with Jen, sorry for asking for an extra practise on that day. I am sorry for everything.”
My eyes are starting to hurt so I rub them. When they come back into focus I can see everything clearly again!
“Nicky! See you! I can!” I cry out. He gasps and puts his hands to his mouth.
“You can see me! OMG!! SHANE! YOU CAN SEE ME!” He starts laughing like mad. I try to laugh too but it hurts my mouth too much.
“Shane? Can you move anything? Anything at all?” He asks. I try, but fail. Nothing.
“No.”
Nicky bangs his hand on his forehead and sits down. He screws up his face as if he’s in pain.
“Nicky? Ok?” I ask him. He looks over at me, his eyes full of tears.
“If you’re paralysed for the rest of your life, It’s gonna be my fault!” He storms out of the room, tears streaming down his face.

My eyes wander around the room. I can just see my legs. It’s a horrible sight. My left is horrifically crushed. No wonder I can’t move it. My right is bent awkwardly inwards. I wince. It looks worse than it actually is. I look back up at the ceiling and start to think. Would Nicky ever accept that is wasn’t his fault? What about the tour? Would it be cancelled? Oh sh!t what if it was? Would all the fans hate me for it? Oh god! My life is ruined if they do! I can’t hold it in any longer. I scream. I’m going mad.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH”

I see Mark entering my room, followed by his girlfriend Fina. She looks gorgeous dressed in black. It reminds me of a funeral. Is that why she’s here? Is she already ready for my funeral?
“Shay, mate. Someone’s here to see you.”
I look back at the door as it opens. My eyes focus in on the figure entering. I see who it is and turn away. I don’t want her to see me. Not like this!
“Hi Shane.”
I swallow hard. My eyes start to water. I see Fina looking sadly at me. She whispers something to Mark and he nods.
“We’ll leave you two alone.”
They walk out. Leaving me alone with her.
“Shane. I’m so sorry for what happened.”
I still don’t look at her. I can’t bare her to see me.
“Shane, please talk to me.”
She sounds desperate. Maybe I should look at her. I turn my head slowly around to meet her soft brown eyes. They’re bloodshot. Her long blonde hair looks a mess and she doesn’t look like she’s been sleeping much. I think I was wrong. I don’t think I can bare to see her in this mess.
“Shane, please?”
I close my eyes and open them again. She’s now sitting on the side of my bed, stroking my cheek. I look into her eyes. She looks so tired and weary I’m surprised she even managed to climb out of bed this morning!
“What say?” I tried to ask her what is there to say? But it didn’t come out. She must have realised what it meant though.
“Shane, you can say anything. Tell me anything. I’ll tell you anything.”
I look at her soft wavy hair. I want to stroke it, smell the mango shampoo in her hair. But lucky me! I can’t! But she is right, I can say something. I can tell her something and she can tell me it back.
“Love Kay.”
“I love you too Shane.”

I talked, well listened, to Kay for quite a while. She told me I had been in the hospital for two days by the time I had woken up. I was shocked to hear how long. It had just gone like that! Now Kay was asleep on the chair next to my bed. She needed it. While she had been talking her eyes had started to droop abit. I had asked her why she was so tired, well actually I had said ‘tired? Why?’ and she had told me she couldn’t sleep. Everytime her head touched a pillow, the horrors of what happened to her best friends came back to her. I guess what happened to me must have reminded her of them. Her friends, Jess, Sarah and Kelly had all been involved in an accident a few months ago. I was with Kay at the time, having lunch in Paris, when she got the call. They had been in a car. A lorry had swung out in front of them, causing them to swerve out of the way. Hitting a brick building. It had killed them instantly. Kay had cried all the way back to England.
I look over at the door. Kian and Bryan are talking to their girlfriends Jules and Mandee. They seemed really worried. I dunno where Mark and Nicky have gone but they’ll turn up soon enough.
God I’m bored! Bored! Bored! Bored! I can’t move, can’t talk properly, can’t do anything!
“Want get up.” I try to say I want to get up. Can’t. Oops! I’ve woken up Kay. She’s looking at me through her tired eyes
“Hey baby,” she whispers to me. I look into her eyes and send her a special smile. Its one which I do through my eyes. Only her, and her alone knows what I’m doing.
“Bored,” I murmur. She looks at me and smiles sweetly,
“I no you are Shane. I can tell by the look on your face.” She pauses for a moment then says, “Do you want me to read you something?”
Oh god no! That is the most boring thing on earth! I hate reading stuff! But I suppose there’s nothing else to do,
“Ok.”
She smiles again and stands up. Her tall, slim body stands up right in front of me. I want to hold her in my arms so much. To kiss her, take care of her. She walks out of the room and talks to Bryan and Mandee for a few seconds before picking up a newspaper and walking back in.
“Look, our paper.”
I’d just like to say that Kay and me aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend if you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. I’m Kay’s best friend. Have been since the accident. But the last few months we have gotten so close. It’s like we really are lovers.
I try to smile at her, this time a small curve in my lip is all I can do. It was the Daily Mail. Our Newspaper. It was a joke we had always had. They had once caught a photo of us that made it look like we were snogging. We weren’t! It was just the angle the camera was at! Honest! They then stated she was my secret lover. I wish!
Kay sits back down again and starts to read. Starting on page 2. First, I’m quite confused. Why didn’t she start on page 1? Then I see it.
It’s horrible.
It’s me.
Just after the accident.
Blood everywhere.
Then I see.
I see my worst nightmare.
The driver of the Ford that went into me.
Jennie.

“Kay! Jennie!” I cry out loud. She looks at me and sighs.
“You’ve seen it then?”
I stare at her. My eyes are open wide in shock. She looks away out of the door. She’s hiding something from me. That’s what she always does when she’s lying. Looks away.
“What?” I ask her. She sighs again.
“Jennie was the one that hit you. She’s in police custody now because of her past crime records. They say if she’s found guilty it’ll be 5 years in jail.”
“Purpose?”
Slowly, Kay nods her head. My head starts to spin. She hit me on purpose. She almost killed me. I can’t believe it. I never thought she could go that far. Kay touched my hand,
“Are you ok Shane?” She asks me. I look over at her. She can see it in my eyes. I’m in shock. Complete shock.
“She’ll get put away Shane. There’s too much against her. Don’t worry.”
I can feel a tear falling down my cheek. I just realise that it’s my tear. I’m crying.

“He’ll be ok Kay. He will.”
“What if he’s not? What if he… well… dies?”
“Kay he won’t die! He can’t die!”
“You don’t know that Jules! You don’t!”
Kay falls into Jules’ arms. Sobbing. I can see and hear them through the window. Kay looks worse than before. Her eyes have black rings around the bottom and her face is dirty. Nothing like it used to look.
“Shh Kay. It’ll be ok! I promise babe.”
She’s convinced I’m going to die. Kay I mean. Well I guess I am as well. I can’t move. I can’t talk. I can’t do anything. Jules looks over to me. I meet her eyes. She shakes her head and looks away.
What! What have I done now!
Great! That’s one more person that’s peeved off with me!
My door opens and Mandee, Bryan’s girlfriend, walks in. She sees me and straight away breaks down in tears.
“Cry don’t.”
She looks up at me and strokes my cheek.
“What ever happened to the man that never gave up? The man that fought till the end? Where has he gone Shane? Where?”
“Here, me.”
She shakes her head. Tears stream down her cheeks.
“No Shane. You’re about to give up. I know you are. But you listen to me Shaney boy. Don’t you ever give up. Not ever.”
She kisses me on the cheek and walks out. I watch her go. I admit, I’m quite confused. She has never been close to me. But all of a sudden, she knows how I feel. Exactly how I feel. Weird.

“Kay’s a wreak.” That was Mark. All the guys were in my room, having a ‘meeting’.
“She always seems to be worrying!” Bryan muttered. That was true. When she had been in before for a second to pick up the paper, her hands had been shaking like crazy. I had tried to grab her arm to keep it steady, but then I remembered, I was paralysed. She had smiled at me and walked back out. I had called her but it was too quiet for her to hear me.
“Just glad that the girls took her home!” Kian sighed, resting his arms on the side of my bed.
“Why gone?” I ask them.
“Why do you think!” Nicky joined Kian, resting his arms there as well. God! Is my bed like a resting-place for other people’s arms! “She’s gone to get a shower and a sleep. And god does she need it!” He flapped his hand underneath his nose.
“Mean!” I mutter. He laughs,
“What! Shaney! Are you telling me you can’t smell her! Phwoar!”
I try and scowl but it hurts too much. I miss Kay already. She always made me feel at home when I was with her.
“You know what Shane. If you do pull through this, I don’t think Kay will,” Bryan sighed, looking down at me.
Deep down, I knew that was true.

“Newspaper,” I mumble to Nicky. It was the next day and Nicky was sitting with me. Kay hadn’t returned yet.
“What, you want it?” He asks, holding it in his hands.
“Yeah!”
He shrugs and tosses it in my face. I look at him as if to say, and what am I gonna do with that? He shakes his head and picks it up. He opens it and holds it in front of his face.
“Tony Blair had announced…”
“Me?”
“Anythin on you? Erm… yeah there is actually!” He opens a new page and starts to read.
“Jennifer Durham, the driver of the Ford Fiesta that went into Westlife singer Shane Filan has been but on bail. Her actions have proceeded to cause a ‘recess’ in the court room, leaving her to be under police surveillance for the next 48 hours. Oh sh!t! That means she’s got off for now!”
Oh god! She’s gonna come after me! I know she is! She’s gonna come and hunt me down!
I look up at the ceiling. I mean, what else is there to do in this god-forsaken place? I mean, I don’t wanna think about Jennie! I don’t wanna think about Kay and her problems! I don’t wanna think about the way I am! What else is there to do?
“Dam!” I curse out loud. Nicky looks at me and try’s to give me a small smile. It doesn’t come out right.
“Don’t worry Shay! She ain’t gonna come near you when I’m here!” Nicky nodded his head and started to flex his muscles.
Great! So if Jennie does come to get me all I’ve got to defend me is a guy with flabby muscles! Brilliant!

“Shane, are you ok?”
No! No I’m not! Something’s wrong! I don’t know what it is! One minute I was fine! The next, I’m sweating like a pig and my I have the feeling back in my legs!
“No! No!” I scream. Mark panics. He runs to the door and shouts,
“DOCTOR! WE NEED A DOCTOR!”
One comes running in. He takes one look at me and calls out,
“WE NEED MORE PEOPLE DOWN HERE!”
Oh sh!t! Do I look that bad? AAAAAAHHHHHH!! My legs! I can feel everything! The pain is unbearable!
“OOWW!” I scream. The doctor puts her hand on the side of my face.
“I know it hurts like hell, but you have to hang in there!”
Oh hell! What happening to me?! I want Kay!
The other doctors run in. They put an oxygen mask over my mouth and tell me to breath. Well it’s not like I’m not going to is it!
“Mr. Filan, we’re going to send you to sleep so we can operate on you quickly. OPERATE!! NO!! PLEASE GOD NO!!
I try to squirm the mask off but the nurses hold me down.
NO!!
I have to! I have to breathe now! I take in a huge mass of air. My head feels faint. I start to go dizzy.
NO!! THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENEING!! PLEASE DON’T OPERATE ON ME!! NO!!
My eyes start to droop. The gas is too over powering. I see a figure running into the room… it’s Kay. She’s here with me.
“Don’t worry baby, you’ll be fine.” She whispers. She knows how scared I am of needles and things like that. She grabs my hand and squeezes it so tightly.
Please don’t let go Kay. Please don’t.
Then everything goes black.

“He should awaken soon. But he must not find out about… you know who.”
“Yes, I understand.”
What the fcuk?
“If you need me, I’m only a shout away.”
“Thank you doctor.”
I guess I’m still lying on the bed. My eyes are closed so Kay doesn’t know I’m awake. But what the hell was she talking about anyway? He must not find out about you know who? Eh?
“Shane, I love you so much.”
What? She loves me?
I feel something on my lips. It’s her lips! She’s kissing me! What the hell is happening here?!
I open my eyes slowly, scaring the living daylights out of Kay.
“Oh god Shane! You scared me there!”
I smile. OMG! I ACTULAY SMILE!
“What that?”
She looks at me. I look back.
“I love you Shane, not just as a friend.”
She looks away.
“Love Kay.”
She looks back.
“You love me?”
“Yes.”
She grins and takes my hand. I’m still confused so I ask her,
“Who know you?”
At first she doesn’t understand. Then she realises. Her eyes open wide. Her face goes white.
“You heard?”
“Yes. Who?”
“I can’t keep anything from you Shane.” She strokes my cheek lightly. “It’s Jennie. The police lost her. She’s escaped.”
Oh sh!t.

Kay looked down at me. Tears start to fall down her cheek, she quickly wipes them away.
“I’m so sorry babe.”
I look away from her. I don’t know what to say, don’t know what to do. Should I cry? Laugh? I just don’t know.
“Shane, she won’t come here. I promise you.”
I had a feeling the promise wasn’t going to last.

“Kay? Where’s everyone?”
She looks at me and sighs gently.
“Home. Spending some time with their girlfriends.”
“Nicky?”
“I dunno.”
I look up at the ceiling. 67 tiles! 67! I was so bored I counted them! It took me about an hour but I did it!
I close my eyes and start to think, to get everything straight. I was in hospital from a crash that should have killed me. My mad ex-girlfriend was after me. My best friend is now my new girlfriend. And another one of my best mates thinks it was his entire fault! It wasn’t!!
“Baby, I’m going to get a drink. Want anything?”
I look back at Kay. Do I? No, don’t think so.
“No thanks.”
She nods her head and leaves the room. I’m on my own. I hear a drip drip drip. Probably from the rain outside. God how I miss the outdoors!
I hear a crash from outside my room. I shadow is cast over my door. What is it? It looks familiar! JENNIE!
I frantically try to move and shout. I can’t shout. I’m too nervous. OH GOD! SHES COME TO GET ME!
The door is swung open. SHES THERE!!!
“Hiya darlin!” She smiles evilly. My eyes ablaze. I see Kay behind her. She stops. I try and scream again. No use.
“This time I’m gonna get ya!”
She runs over to me and hits my chest so hard.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! My insides are screaming in pain. My head starts to spin. I see Kay run up to me, catching Jennie.
My eyes are dropping. I’m dyeing.
“Shane no!” Kay cries. I see her. Then I don’t. I close my eyes.