BACK		I'm Learning

By Stephanie

I never meant to hurt you baby
I didn’t wanna cause you any pain
But you never knew how I felt now honey
And you know you didn’t even know why
So I wanna put my heart in it’s place
And I wanna be the person that you fell in love with

I ran through the halls that were full of teenagers getting ready to go to their next class. I ran and ran until I saw his face. There he was, stuffing his jacket into his locker. I stopped running once I caught him looking at him. ‘If looks could kill’ was my first thought, I never seen him look so hurt or angry.
We stared at one another until I mimed “I’m sorry.” He shook his head, slamming his locker door behind him. I sighed, walking into the girls bathroom. I placed my books near the sink and stared at my reflection. When I heard someone else entering, I grabbed my things and locked myself in one of the cubicles. I slumped to the ground, resting my head in my hands. I listened to the to girls that were chatting, I wasn’t listening in on purpose but as soon as I heard my name, I automatically stayed quiet. “D’ya hear about Shane and Hollie?” “No”
“They broke up, well, she cheated on him with Kian…” “Egan!? His best friend?”
“Yup.” “Slut!” “I know, I mean come on, once you get your hands on Shane Filan, you don’t let him go! It’s as simple as that!”
She laughed, whoever she was. I didn’t recognise her voice. I bit my lip, I could have easily went out there and had a made fit, telling them to mind their own business but I couldn’t…cause they were right. I was a slut. I didn’t mean to kiss Kian, it just happened. I totally regret it, I messed up something really special by just one snog. And the worst thing was that Shane didn’t even hear it from me, it got around the school and then to him. I love him so much, he told me the same but now…I just hope and pray that he’ll forgive. It’s been 2 days since we last spoke and I miss him like crazy, his scent, his laugh, his smile…him.

I’ve been told there’ll be another
Or so they say
But I guess never like the other
So I’ll shed my tears
And I’ll face my fears
I’ve been told there’ll be another

“Shane, mate, forget her. They’ll be others.” Shane bit into his apple. He chewed on it, squinting his eyes caused by the strong sunlight. He was in the yard, eating lunch with his mate and looking for Hollie without even knowing it. “No, Mark…She was the one.” Shane said seriously, taking a sip out of his bottle of water and making himself comfy by sitting up against the bark of a tree that was situated behind him. “Oh come on Shane, she’s not worth it. Look, what about Gillian Walsh, you had a crush on her before Hollie came along.” Just then,
Hollie walked into his eye sight with Joanne, her best friend. “Just leave it Mark!” He said, leaving. He walked the opposite way so that he wouldn’t bump into them. He checked his watch and decided to go home.
As soon as he got in the door, his eyes were filled with water, and his cheeks burned by his tears that were flowing without fail. He ran up to his room before his mom or dad would see him, make him sit down and explain his problem…but now, he just wanted to be alone. ‘Forget her’ Mark’s voice kept popping into his head, then images of her…and worst of all, he kept imagining herself and Kian together. He grabbed the teddy that lay peaceful on his bed, and hugged it as tight as he could. He could still smell her perfume, her lovely smell….he thought, thinking of his 17th birthday and the image of her giving the white fluffy teddy to him, before kissing him passionately. Mark said that there would be others, maybe, but none like her. He was sure of that. He dreaded the day that he’d have to face her, but…it would have to happen sooner or later. She would be out this weekend for sure, they always went to the same place…over and over again, every weekend. He rested his head on hi s pillow, still holding onto his teddy and letting his tears fall, staining his pillow case. He glanced at a picture of himself and her that was on his bedside table, thinking over and over again – What did I do to deserve this? Why?

A cry for help will sound the same now baby
And I know that people just don’t change
But I guess you can hope
And wish they will yeah
So I wanna put my heart
In it’s place

I cried and cried, over and over again. It wasn’t fair, I loved him so much, I wanted him so much. But now I was at our local disco with my mates and I couldn’t break down in front of them. ‘Yes, he’s not coming’ I thought, but five minutes later, he walked through the door…looking sexy as per usual. I couldn’t bare it, but I had to be strong.
Half of the night went by, we made eye contact a few times but it only lasted for a second if even that. I looked at him one more time when I seen Gillian over there, flirting. It was so obvious that it made me sick, and what was even worse, he had both of his arms wrapped around her waist. I could feel a lump form in my throat so I made up a silly excuse to leave, I had an idea by the expression on Jo’s face that she knew the real reason why I was leaving but she didn’t say anything. Before I left, I caught Kian’s eyes on me, he half smiled but I didn’t respond, I wanted to get out of there…quick.
It was pitch black outside. I was half way home by now when I heard someone walking behind me. I quickened my pace, frightened of who it might be. My heart was pounding so fast that when he grabbed him, my chest nearly burst open. He turned me around and kissed me. I knew it was Shane, his scent was the nicest smell in the world to me, and nobody could kiss or hold me like Shane did. Even though it was possibly the best kiss I had ever experienced, I pulled back. “Shane…” I whispered “I am so sorry.” “I know Hollie, and I’ve missed you so much. But I’m sorry, I can’t forgive you. I do love you, you know that right?”
“If you love me then why…” I couldn’t finish, he cut me off. “I think it’s for the best Hollie. I just wanted to share one more kiss with you.” I began to sob silently. “I love you so much.” I said, hugging him. I could feel his breath against my bare neck, he rubbed his face into my shoulder one last time. “Good bye” He whispered, giving me a kiss on my left chee k.

And I wanna be the person that you fell in love with
So I wanna scream and tell myself it will be okay
And in a final verse
I’ll tell you what I wanna say
So I guess I’m still learning

Five years later, and I still miss him. We haven’t spoken since that night, and we both knew it would be the last night by the way we ended it, by the way we kissed and by the way we said goodbye. I scanned the magazine shelf when I stopped at Ok! Magazine which headlined ‘Westlife heart – throb Shane Filan and wife Gillian Walsh…’ I didn’t even read the rest of it. The cover of the magazine had a picture of them on it, they looked so much in love. Shane’s hair was different…totally different from when I knew him, but I liked it. Anytime I see them on tv, read about them or hear Westlife on the radio…I still wish I was with Shane. I knew I loved him, and still do. But I had to get on with my life.
I have dated since then but none of them compared to him, he was one of a kind…the kind that I gambolled and lost. As my eyes led to Gillian’s face…I just wish it was me that was there, that it was me who he fell in love with and married.