BACK		Queen of my heart

By Stephanie

So here we stand
In our secret place
Where the sound of the crowd
Is so far away

We had been friends since we were 6 years old. She had been there with me through everything. We were now both 17 and still spent every day together. I could never imagine not seeing her. Not even for just one day. As a kid one of my ambitions was to be a singer. She would always encourage me and tell me how I could make it. I wanted to believe her but there must have been hundreds of other kids out there with the same dream as me…who could probably sing better and look better too. But the day I found out that my dream was actually going to become reality; it was her that I wanted to tell first. It was a Saturday so she was probably at the fun fair that was passing through town. I ran and ran as fast as I could to get there. As soon as I did, my eyes scanned the place. And there she was, laughing as per usual with a load of our mates from school. I walked over to her, covering her eyes as the rest of our mates laughed.
“Surprise!” I laughed as she turned around to face me. “I ’ve got something to tell you!” I said, grabbing her hand and practically dragging her to our place, the place where we held so many memories. It was right near the park where the fair was situated, but when I was with her, the noise of the crowd was a mere whisper. When we finally stopped and I got my breath back, I stood up straight and stood her to face me. I looked in to her sparkling green eyes and nearly forgot what I was supposed to be telling her.
“Shane? You were going to tell me something,” she laughed, her gorgeous smile wider than ever. I cleared my throat before smiling. “Ok, you know the way that I never shut up about wanting to become a pop star?” She rolled her eyes, smiling and nodded. “Well…it’s actually gonna come true!!” I laughed, jumping up and down with excitement. She stared at me for a second, and then laughed while hugging me. “OH MY GOD!!!” She laughed, jumping up and down with me. But I could tell that she was keeping something back as she let go of me. “What’s wrong?” I asked. She smiled, looking down at the ground, but as her eyes met mine again…there was tears forming. “I am losing my best friend. I never thought this day would come. I thought you would always be here for me,” she sobbed. That was it, before I knew it… I stood there sobbing too and couldn’t do anything but pull her in to me and hold on like there was no tomorrow. As much as she might not have known it, I loved her more than she knew and it was killing me just thinking of having to leave her behind for months at a time.

You take my hand
And it feels like home
We both understand
It's where we belong

I looked at my watch, it was way past the time I told Mam I’d be home. “I gotta go,” She said before I had time to speak. I smiled. “Want me to walk you home?” She nodded. “Yea, I’d like that.” She said, taking my hand. Right there and then, I knew she was the one for me, the touch of her soft skin made my body go wild. I think she felt the same, I don’t know…well; it was more like, I hope she felt the same. As we were walking, she’d squeeze my hand every two minutes.
“I’ll ring you everyday, ok?” I spoke up. She stopped walking. “What do you mean?” “When I leave tomorrow, I’ll call you everyday while I’m gone.” “You’re leaving tomorrow!? Shane! How come you didn’t tell me sooner?” “Calm down, I’m only going to Dublin for a few weeks….” “Yea, first Dublin, then London…next, God only knows.” She was angry, and sad, I could see it in her eyes. “I’m so sorry…” I began, trying to explain. This was going to be hard. We were gonna go from seeing each other everyday to seeing each o ther once a month if we were lucky. I sighed, holding both her hands. “I’m gonna miss you so much! You know that, right?” “Yea Shane, but what if you forget me?” I stared at her; did she just say what I think she said? How could I forget the one person that makes me feel as if I’m wanted? The one person that I love? The one person that, in my eyes, has no flaws…just perfect.

So how do I say, do I say goodbye?
We both have our dreams
We both wanna fly
So lets take tonight to carry us through
The lonely times

After leaving her at her house I slowly walked home. I felt cold and alone and I hadn’t even left Sligo yet. This had been my dream for so long and now it was finally coming true but I was hurting the most important person in my life. As I carried on walking I had an idea. I was going to show her she would be missed and not forgotten. I ran home and started planning the surprise. In between getting ready for tonight I also prepared for my trip to Dublin tomorrow. I threw some things in a case and then shut it up. I sat on the bed and studied the case…all being well…or not as the case maybe…I may be spending a long time living like this…out of a case. I smiled to myself and then suddenly remembered what I was doing in the first place. I called her and asked her to come round.
At first she refused…this wasn’t like her. I persisted and in the end I got my own way and she agreed to come round in an hour. The time dragged while I was waiting but the minute I heard the doorbell I c ouldn’t have got to it any faster. I flung open the door and saw her face staring back at me. As I looked closer I noticed her red eyes. She had been crying. I pulled her into me and hugged her so tightly…I never wanted to let go.
“Ok then Shane…you can let go now” she said as she finally wriggled free from my grasp. “Sorry…I am…just…” I then looked at her beautiful smile. I lost all trail of thought and how good it would be to kiss her soft lips. As time went on her smile faded and her lips started to move. I heard no sound. “Shane? Shane? Just what?” I shook my head and looked at her blankly. “What?” I asked feeling confused. “Just what?” she repeated. “Oh…going to miss you.” She smiled at me again and then hugged me. “I am going to miss you too,” she whispered in to my ear. I smiled to myself and then took her hand to lead her to my room. As I opened the door and let her through she smiled at me. “I know I said I was going to miss you…but not that much,” she laughed as sh e sat on the bed. I laughed along…why couldn’t she take me seriously? I sat down next to her on the bed and then pulled out a photo album from underneath.
“What’s that?” she asked as she looked at the dusty old book. “This my dear friend is why I know I will never ever forget you…whether it be days or months in between us seeing each other” I said as I opened the front cover to reveal a picture of us aged 6 playing in the paddling pool. As we went further through the album of all our years together as friends we laughed and cried at the memories. “I still can’t believe you are going…tomorrow!” she finally said as we stopped laughing. “I know…but I will never forget you and I will call you everyday. I am not saying good bye…I can’t…this is like a see ya soon!” I said.
She looked at me through her eyes that were so full of life but now it were as if a part of her had died. “I’m leaving too.” She mumbled. “What?” I asked, unsure of what she said. “I’m leaving too…” She stood up and walked as far as my bedroom window. “I’m leaving to go and pursue my dreams, I mean, if you can do it, then so can I.” “Where?” I asked calmly. “New York.” She said with no emotion in her face. I stared at her. New York? I thought, but that was miles away, how was I ever going to see her, or call her with the money budget I had. “New York? But why?” “You know my dreams, Shane.
I’ve always wanted to move there anyways, so I decided to go to college there too…Mom and Dad agree. We both have our dreams, we both wanna fly, so I guess this is it.” She said, but I knew she was keeping something back. I could feel a lump in my throat. “But…But…when am I gonna see you?” She shook her head, I could see that she was trying to keep all of her emotions in. “I’ve gotta go.” She whispered, heading for the door but this was our last night together and I wasn’t going to slip away. I jumped up to stop her. I blocked her way, ready for her angry fit to try and go, but instead she hugged me. I could feel her slightly shaking, caused by her sobs. I couldn’t stand it, to see her cry and upset…it was killing me inside. Really killing me.

I’ll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
All of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day, you know you are
The queen of my heart…the queen of my heart

I went away to Dublin for the 3 weeks and when I finally got back to Sligo, it was time for her to be leaving for New York. As I made my last journey for a long time to her house I looked around me. Everything round here held a treasured memory for us…whether it be when we were kids or as we hit our teenage years…there is a memory on every corner. I finally stood at her front door and heard all the commotion going on inside. I could hear her calling out. “Where’s my passport gone?” “Don’t worry it’s here” came another voice. “Good…oh but where is my ticket?” “Here with your passport!” came the reply. As I stood back for a second I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. Was this really happening or would I wake up any second? Without even thinking about it I knocked at the door and heard footsteps run down the stairs and the door flung open. There she stood in front of me with the life back in her eyes. She grabbed hold of me and hugged me. “I have missed you,” she said as she hel d on to me. “You too…I can’t believe I am back and you are going” I said not knowing what to say. “I know…it is all exciting. We are both getting to live our dreams out,” she said as she let go of me and dragged me into the house. As I walked in to the hallway there was a row of bulging suitcases all ready to be packed in to the car. Only a few weeks ago she had been crying in my arms about doing this…now she was excited. Did I miss something? Why the sudden change of heart? As she led me in to the room her parents said hello and then left us to it. As she moved round the room I could see a bounce in her step that I hadn’t seen since the day I told her I was going to Dublin for 3 weeks. I was now starting to dread the months that I wouldn’t see her. If in 3 short weeks she could change this much…what was a possible 3 months…if not longer going to do to us? “So how was Dublin then?” the voice cut through my thoughts like a knife as I heard the words. “Yeah it was good,” I sai d…in fact it had been more than that but I didn’t want to sound too eager about it. “Is that all? I thought it was going to be amazing? What are the new lads like then?” She was trying to get everything out of me and I didn’t know what to say. “Yeah they are a good pair…really good singers.” I said looking away. She then finally sat down. “Are you ok? You seem really distant” I looked her in the eyes. “Have you missed me…are you going to miss me?” I blurted out. Her happy face disappeared. “Of course I am…I am just trying to make things easier for me.” Then the tears started. We both burst in to tears and held on to each other as we cried. “I am going to miss you loads and I am dreading going all the way to New York and not knowing anyone.” She sobbed. “I am going to miss you too…I will only ever be a phone call away…whenever you need me. Just look forward to the times when we will see each other again,” I said as I wiped away her tears.
She laughed slightly. “You’re the bes t Shane, I love you so much!” She said, hugging me. I could feel her slightly shaking which made me wanna blurt out everything to her. How I felt…the way my heart danced when her eyes were connected with mine…the way I wanted to kiss her so badly and never let her go. But I couldn’t, once a coward, always a coward.

So let's take tonight
And never let go
While dancing we'll kiss
Like there's no tomorrow

I sighed as she said good-bye to her parents. I watched them in the doorway, hugging and them giving her the do’s and don’ts. I had offered to drive her to the airport, for a proper good bye, which I was dreading. Why did life have to be so god damn difficult!? She sat in the passenger seat, fastening her seatbelt and drying her eyes. “You Ok?” I asked as she was waving frantically at her parents. “Yea, fine. Let’s go.” She said, relaxing. The thing I hated about this was that the drive wasn’t as long as I wanted it to be, just over 30minutes. The only private time I had left with…30 minutes!! This worried me, as I looked her way, she was playing about with her fingernails. “Ok, what is it?” I smiled, I knew her only too well. Whenever she’d get all fidgety with her hands, she had to say something important…or get something off her chest. “What?” She smiled over my way. “I know you wanna tell me something.” She laughed. “I’m gonna miss you Shane, you and your ‘I know you too well’!” She said, placing her hand on his that was rested on the gear stick. He looked from the road, to their hands that were connected and to her that was looking out of the window. This was too much to handle, he knew now how much he loved her and was going to miss her. He was so close to pulling the car over and explaining everything to her, but he couldn’t. Not now, she’d miss her flight and probably think that they were better off as mates than anything else.
When we finally reached the airport, and she got through all the security checks. My wish had come true. Her flight was an hour delayed. I couldn’t believe it; it was like faith telling me that this was my chance. I took her outside with me, and sat her down on the bonnet of my car. “Shane, I don’t understand why you couldn’t just tell me in the airport, the WARM airport!” She laughed, shivering in the cold. I smiled; she had certainly changed from bad to good mood since they left the house. I took my jacket off and put it around her.
“Better!” She smiled. I took a deep breath, ok, this was it. Now or never. I looked deep into her eyes and cleared my throat. “Ok, so here it goes.” He paused, taking both her hands into his. “Ever since the day we first played together, until now when we’re saying our good bye’s to go off and live separate lives, I’ve wanted to hold you…kiss you…wanted you to take my hand and say ‘Shane, you’re the only one for me.’ But I know life doesn’t alwa ys go as planned, and I’ll completely understand if you don’t feel the same way because no matter what we do, our friendship will never be the same, that’s why I’m telling you this. If you weren’t moving away, I wouldn’t risk our friendship but, all in all, I guess what I’m trying to say is…I love you.” I dared to look at her for the first time. Her face had no emotion, no smile or anything. It was unreadable. She let go of my hands, I knew that this wasn’t a good sign as she was standing up and taking my jacket off of her. “I’m sorry Shane,” She whispered, handing it back to me and slowly walking away.

As the stars sparkle down
Like a diamond ring
I’ll treasure this moment
‘Til we meet again

I watched her walk away from me. She didn’t even look back once. All this time I had bottled my feelings up, I now knew why. My greatest fear was the rejection…but even worse the rejection from my best friend. As she disappeared back in to the airport, she still didn’t look back. I got up off the bonnet of the car and stood there for a minute with my hands in my pockets scraping my feet along the ground deep in thought. Then out of nowhere I kicked the car and punched the air. “You idiot Shane…why did ya go and ruin it all for?” I shouted at myself. People passing by did their best to look at me without being noticed but I saw them. I just wanted to tell them all to feck off but I couldn’t do it.
I sat on the car again and kicked the gravel beneath my feet. I looked at my watch…I had 20 minutes to find her and say good-bye…this may well be my last chance ever.
While Shane was outside, feeling every emotion possible, from guilt to regret, she was inside doing the same thing. Thinking back on her last conversation with him, did she do the right thing? Did she do what her heart told her, or her head? She wiped a tear that fell half way down her cheek. She glanced at her right hand, that held the one and only ring she ever wore, the one that Shane had given her the night they went to the prom. She smiled at the thought of it.
Her flight was being called out, she knew she had to do the right thing but it was too late. Should she take the flight? Or should she go back to Shane and tell him that she loved him more than ever, that she thought that he was the one that she wanted to grow old with. She stood up, panicking as her eyes searched the faces that surrounded her…but none of them were Shane. ‘Maybe this is fate’s way of telling me that it wasn’t meant to be’ She thought, wiping the tears that were now flowing freely down her cheek. S he didn’t even get to say good-bye to him, she thought as she handed her ticket to the airhostess. She turned around but couldn’t see him anywhere, she cried even harder as she made her way to the Plane.
Shane ran as fast as he could, drying any tear that came his way. He ran and spotted her, through the soundproof glass as she was making her way to her flight. He ran as far as the window, banging and banging, shouting her name over and over again. But it was no use, no use at all. She was gone for good; nothing could make her turn back…not now. She couldn’t even hear him for God sake. He slumped to the ground, crying over and over again, it was uncontrollable. He had ruined everything, their friendship…even their final goodbye. He cried even harder when he thought that this was the last memory he had of her until they met again, but God knows when that would be.
She cried, looking out of the window. ‘I love you’ She mimed to the stars. ‘I love you so much.’ She said, crying even harder. Meanwhile, back where she had left Shane, he was lying back on his bonnet, staring up at the stars, doing the same thing. Whispering his feelings to the stars, knowing that she’d be staring at them, it was the one thing she loved about the night, the beautiful stars that surrounded her…but what she didn’t know was that she was a star, a glowing sparkling star that fell in Shane’s life, and fell out just as easy.

But no matter how far
And where you may be
I just close my eyes
And you’re in my dreams
And there you will be
Until we meet again

I checked my watch, I had been there for the past half an hour…thinking about anything and everything. I sighed, getting into my car with one thought running through my mind ‘Would I ever get over her?’ I switched on the radio as I exited the airport, trying to take my mind off of her. But it didn’t help, as the music filled the car, I thought more of her. My hand reached out to turn it off, but the song ended quickly as the voice of the DJ came on. ‘What the!?’ I thought, as I listened carefully.
“Sorry but we have to interrupt this song to bring you important news just in. The flight that left Dublin tonight for America has crashed down only 30 minutes after its take off. At this minute in time it is not known what the cause of the crash was but as we hear more we will keep you updated.” I couldn’t believe it…her plane. It couldn’t be. I forgot about everything around me for those few seconds and nearly crashed into an oncoming car. As I swerved off the road all I could think of was her and whether she was ok. I sat there for a few minutes with the radio still on listening for any news. I was nearly home now but I couldn’t move. I was froze to the spot and felt sick. About 5 minutes after the news had first been announced I heard my mobile ringing. I quickly picked it up and answered it. The desperate sobs down the line made it obvious who it was.
“Hello?” I said.
“Shane…Shane. Our princess…that was her plane wasn’t it?” her mum sobbed down the line. How was I going to do this? “I think so…I can’t believe it….Why her?!”
I cried softly thinking ‘Why my girl?’ I’m sure the same thing was going through her mom’s mind. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. She carried on crying and then her dad came on to the phone, giving her mom a chance to relax. Hi…I’m sorry about that but well…”
“Please don’t worry about it. I know how I am feeling right now so for you her own mum and dad it has got to be a hell of a lot worse.”
“Thank you Shane. I know she meant a lot to you,” her dad said. Was it that obvious to everyone but her? After a few more words, we eventually said our good byes. I threw my mobile onto the passenger seat, resting my head on the steering wheel. I cried, and cried. With one word tattooed to my brain…WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? Her face kept appearing in my head… She was just like I remembered her. Laughing and smiling…her eyes sparkling in the sunlight. When I pulled myself together, I made my way home. Leaving the radio on for more news…which had made its way, the news I was waiting for all along. “Though rescue workers are not 100% sure and still searching the wreckage it is believed that there are no survivors of the flight that left Dublin for America earlier on this evening.” I had just pulled up outside my parents café. “NOOOOOOOOOO!” I cried. “It can’t be…” It was barely a whisper; I had lost all thoughts, even lost my voice. no one heard me though.
No one knew how I felt for he r…not really anyway. I loved her more than anything in the world. I always thought we would be together…one way or another. I stepped out of my car and looked up to the sky again. “I love you…why did you leave me?” As I looked up at the stars above I knew she was somewhere up there…smiling down on me. And I knew that no matter how long it took one day we would be together again…and not just in my dreams. But now, that’s all she would be…a dream, a mere fragment of my imagination.
I walked slowly up the stairs and dragged my feet into my room. I switched the light on, resting my forehead against the wall. When I turned around, there she was, sitting on my bed. “ Steph! What the? But I though…” She stood up and walked over to where I was. “I turned back Shane. I heard about the plane crash and I’m so happy that I got off when I did. I love you Shane, I love you and I’m in love with you. You’re the one for me.” Shane couldn’t believe it. She was here, with him. He hugged her and kissed her with all the passion he had in him.
“I rang Mom and Dad before I came here, they know I’m safe so…I got all night with you.” She smiled, pulling him as far as his bed. “Prove to me how much you love me…” She whispered into his ear as she started to unbutton his shirt…and well, you know!

I’ll always look back
As I walk away
This memory will last for eternity
All of our tears
Will be lost in the rain
When I find my way back
To your arms again
But until that day, you know you are
The queen of my heart…the queen of my heart