BACK		Remembrance is the best form of goodbye

By Lorraine

Chapter 1

I was just a young girl when it all started. young, naive... and inexperienced in many ways.

But Mark helped me overcome my shyness. He helped me to realise my dream. He was my dream.

All my life I'd been told what to do in some way or another - from friends, family, teachers, people I didn't even know. I was a walking doormat. No matter how much I wanted to do anything about it, I just couldn't say no to people, I didn't want to let anybody down.

I suppose I should have just bitten the bullet and told people where to go, but when you've got a voice nobody wants to hear, an opinion that nobody wants to listen to, a body that nobody wants to respect, and a mind that nobody wants to expand, simply, no one wants to care. Nobody wants to care about anybody else unless they can manipulate them into doing something that will benefit themselves.

Everyone but Mark.

Mark was the only person who took me seriously, the only person who listened to me, and the only one who respected me for the human being that I was.

Ever since the day we met, we've hardly ever been apart, except when he had to go away on tour. The day we met, we looked into each other's eyes, and didn't look away. From that day, we loved each other endlessly, nobody could keep us apart.

Of course, his other fans didn't like him going out with a fan...especially a fan that was almost two years younger than him...in the same age range as them. He was honest about me from the beginning. The magazines, paper, radio and television people had a field day. Mark Feehily; Westlife heart-throb dating 17-year-old girl from Edinburgh. They couldn't believe that after all the times he went on about fancying Mariah Carey, he finally met and went out with a plain girl who nobody knew. And a fan no less - there were articles everywhere saying that I only went out with him because of who he was, for his money. Of course it wasn't true, and Mark comforted me whenever I cried about it.

He'd hug me close, and kiss my forehead and tell me he loved me, and that was all that mattered, not what some fans wrote in to a magazine about, slagging me, putting me down, calling me all kinds of names that the magazine could never print.

My friends at school didn't believe me when I told them that I was going out with Mark - because I'd told them so many times before that I was going to meet him one day, they just took it with a pinch of salt. Neither did my friends on the Internet - because we all loved Westlife, and said we'd go out with them one day, nobody believed me when I told them I actually was. I should have guessed.

"Don't worry about all a' them, we've got each other" He'd whisper in my ear. He always knew what to say to make everything better.

Even when the hate mail came to his house. Even when the fans found out where I lived, and wrote there too. Soon my friends at school and on the Internet found out I was telling the truth because a certain magazine that I had bought every issue of had printed a picture of us out together at my local cinema, both our faces clearly visible.

I soon found out who my true friends were. People who I thought were true friends wanted to meet the guys - which was fine - but when they kept asking for their addresses and phone numbers, even Ronan Keating's, I just couldn't handle it. I went ballistic at some of them, telling them that if they couldn't respect the guys' privacy, then they weren't worth me knowing.

So I never spoke to two of my best friends again.

My friends on the Internet soon came round, most of them had already met the lads anyway, so they were happy for me...except all the Mark fans, that is.

The name-calling at school started soon after. The jibes in the hallway between classes, the evil looks at break and lunchtime...the cold shoulder every holiday.

"Don't worry Lorraine, we'll get through this, when we're together, nobody can hurt us"
I loved the way he'd hold me close, cuddled on my sofa and tell me that we'd get through it, not just me on my own, but the both of us together. Shame we weren't together all the time...when we weren't, that was the worst time, I'd get prank calls, and people ringing my doorbell and running away. I thought about him every day, even when he wasn't around. I was terrified that because of all this negative publicity and hate mail towards me, he wouldn't be able to handle it, and leave me for someone else... a Mariah Carey look alike or someone who was far more pretty than me.

Who'd have guessed that was all in the first 3 months.


Chapter 2

Mark came back from Asia the day before our 3-month anniversary alone, leaving the other four guys doing promotion for their first album. He'd come home to see me against the wishes of the others and Ronan... but they knew how much he cared for me, so they let him go, it was only for one day anyway, the others were coming home to do a press conference in London the following afternoon.

When he came to my house after flying from Asia to Sligo, then Sligo to Edinburgh, I was vegging out in front of the TV, munching on some popcorn wearing tracksuit bottoms and a strappy top with my hair in a very messy bun. It was the first time I'd seen him in person for a month. I opened the door and flung myself into his arms.

"Oh Lorraine, I missed you so much, I had to come home early, I had to see yous, it's been driving me crazy, the photo of us together beside my hotel room bed doesn't even begin to compare to actually holding you"
"I've missed you so much too, you wouldn't believe!" We stayed like that for a good five minutes, not caring that my neighbours were walking down the street staring at us (my street's a cul-de-sac, you know, a street that doesn't have an end, it just goes round and round back the way it came - like in Brookside and Neighbours).

We spent hours on my sofa, doing nothing but holding each other. Because we were so in love, we didn't need to be always talking, our silences weren't uncomfortable, they were full of ease, understanding and silent confessions of undying love.
"Just remember that I love you, nothing else matters"
"I know Mark... I love you too, it's just so hard to take, y'know. I don't know how long I can keep this up, the smile I put on every time someone shouts out something to me in school, or whenever I read something in a magazine... that smile's beginning to fade, I don't know if I can handle it much longer"

The look on Mark's face was heartbreaking.

"You don't mean that, surely?? Please tell me you don't mean it" He looked as if he was about to cry.
"Please don't look at me like that Mark... it's hard enough to tell you as it is"
"But... I thought we were so happy together" that mischievous twinkle in his deep blue eyes that I fell in love with was disappearing fast.
"I am happy when I'm with you. It's like you said, whenever we're together, nobody can hurt us. But we're not together all the time, and that's the hardest time. That's when I get the prank calls, that's when I get people sending me the most hate mail, that's when I get people ringing my doorbell and running away. The only thing I can do then is to call you... and even though you make me feel so much better just by saying hello... it's not the same as having you hold me close and telling me you love me, like you are now" Mark grew silent, tightening his hold on me, like a child clutching to their favourite teddy bear or security blanket.

I think I was Mark's security... the one thing that he could be sure of. In the band, there were so many thing that were uncertain - whether their singles would do well, whether the fans would stay true to them... especially after the news about me came out... I was really the only thing that he could rely on, that I would always love him for the rest of my life and his.

"Right. I'm going to put an end to all this hatred. Absolutely no one deserves this kind of hostility, especially you. You're my angel. You've done nothing wrong, just fallen in love. That's not a crime. That's what I'm going to tell them tomorrow, I'm not going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me just because a couple of people are jealous" I looked at him very curiously.
"What do you mean?"
"Tomorrow at the press conference, I'm going to give a message to the fans" "Are you sure that's a good idea? What if it makes the situation worse...what would happen if it had the reverse affect...what about your career?"
"I don't care about that... I care about you"
"What about the guys... don't you care about them?"
"They know how much I love you... they'd understand. And each and every one of them is capable of having a solo career, they don't need me"
"What about your career - you have such an amazing voice, if you do this tomorrow, and the fans turn against you... it would be terrible if you tried a solo career, they'd all remember what you said and not buy your records...it would be such a waste of the talent you've been given"
"Don't worry yourself about it, I won't be nasty, it'll be okay. You worry too much, it's cute, but you don't need to." There was a slightly uncomfortable pause between us, something that had never happened before.

"Come to London with me and the guys tomorrow"
"What?!"
"Come to London - show the fans you're not the ogre they've made you out to be, show them you're the caring, loving, friendly, nice person I've come to know and love. They'll understand"
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. Will you come?" I thought for a minute. What would my friends (or ex-friends) say? Or my friends on the Internet...or the fans that have been sending me hate mail? Was I ready for it? Was I ready for the cameras?
Mark looked at me, searching my face for an answer.
"Okay...I'll go to London"
"Great! It'll all work out, I know it will" He held me closer and kissed me, his soft lips caressing mine. I prayed to whatever force there was out there controlling the situation that everything would turn out okay.


Chapter 3

Of course I had to ask my parents if I could go, but they said yes, they wanted to get it all over and done with, they saw how upset it was making me. We didn't talk about it over dinner though, that would have made it more difficult.

Mark slept over that night, sleeping in the spare room across the hall from me. So we could see each other during the night, we slept with our heads facing our doors, instead of the headboards, and kept our doors open (Author Note - awwhhhhh...so sweet!). I don't remember what I dreamed about that night. Actually, I don't remember sleeping much at all. I was so worried about the next day, I stayed up all night, watching Mark sleep, watching him dream, watching him think the exact same things I was.

The press conference was scheduled for 12 noon, so Mark and I flew down from Edinburgh to London Heathrow the next morning.
We got into the airport in London, and were greeted by 20 girls waiting for Mark... they weren't expecting me. The looks on their faces said it all.
What's that saying? Oh yeah, 'if looks could kill'. That's exactly what it was like. I knew half of the girls from the Internet, but the other 10 were probably some of the people who'd been tormenting me.

Suddenly, one of the girls I didn't know went for me, pulling my hair and kicking me, being egged on by the other 9. My friends just looked on... stunned.

Mark was horrified. He shouted for security to come and help him get this girl off me.

"Take that! And that, you slut"
"Ow!! Mark! Help me, please!" Mark grabbed the girl with the help of two security guards, pulling her out of the way, then Mark let go and came rushing to my side, hugging me tight, rocking me back and forth.

One of my friends, Lisa, felt her blood boil. She marched over to the girl who attacked me.
"What do you think you're doing? She's one of my friends, and I don't like anyone messing with my friends. What were you trying to prove? Do you really think Mark would like you if you attacked his girlfriend?!"
"So you're defending her are you? The slut's best buddy?"
"She's one of my good friends, of course I'm going to defend her. All she's done is go out with a guy she really likes, and he likes her back. Just be happy for them, you didn't get like this when Nicky said he had a girlfriend"
"Well, I don't like Nicky that much"
"So just because you can't have Mark, no one can?"
"Yeah, pretty much"
"That's pathetic. If you really cared about Mark, you'd let him do what makes him happy, and Lorraine makes him happy, so leave them alone"

Mark turned around after hearing what Lisa said, thankful that not everyone was against us being together. Lisa came up to Mark and I after the girl had been taken away to get a very serious warning.
"Rainey, are you okay?"
"Nothing an aspirin and an ice pack couldn't fix. That was really nice what you said. I'm so glad someone's happy for us"
"Yeah, I agree with Lorraine. She's got some pretty cool friends who really care about her."
"Hey no problem. Next time you need someone's ass whooped, you know who to call. Come here girl" Mark let go of me and helped me up, where Lisa promptly hugged the living daylights out of me, followed by the other 9 girls there, among them Ally, Clare and Jenni. Thank god not everyone was against me.

Mark and I didn't have much time to get to the press conference, so we had to say goodbye to the girls, but we told them where it was being held, so they could come and see us later.
"Good luck - you'll both be fine, we're all behind you, Rainey Mammy!"
Jenni called after us.
Mark looked back at Jenni with a confused expression, then looked at me. I laughed. The first time I'd laughed that day. And it was the last time I'd laugh for a while.

As we drove up to the building, Mark told the driver to go round to the back, where we wouldn't be disturbed going indoors, there were too many fans around the front, and too many people to cause trouble.


chapter 4

Mark spotted the other guys as we got out of the car.

"Hey Bry, how's it goin'?"
"Ah, fine, y'know, the usual. Hey Lorraine, howaya?"
"Well... after this morning not too good, but apart from that, on top of the world"
"What happened this mornin'?" Shane asked as he walked up.
Mark filled them in on what went on in the airport while the others hugged me hello. All of them were shocked that their fans could do something like that.

"That's just terrible. Nobody deserves that, man" Nicky said, shaking his head. The others did the same.
"Someone needs to do something about it. I mean, what's gonna happen if they don't stop? First it's jumping on yous in the airport, next time..."
"Kian, don't scare her. She's had a hard mornin'."
"And it's not over yet is it Mark? Anyway, are we ready to go in?" We all went in, Kian first, then Nicky, Shane and Bryan. Mark and I walked slightly behind. "Mark, maybe I should just find a seat in the back, I don't want to cause any more upset"
"Nah, just stand at the side... I need to see yous, know you're there. Please stay"

"Okay, I'll be over by the door" I kissed him on the cheek as he went through the door, waiting a couple of seconds before going in myself, slipping in quietly into the corner with my hair shadowing my face.

I had a bit of time to think everything over while I was sitting on the chair in the corner.
Obviously I didn't want to lose Mark, he was the best thing in my life, but all the hassle... I didn't know if it's a sign or something.
I hated all those people tormenting me, as anyone would, they had no right to do it, I was happy, Mark was happy - why couldn't they just leave us in peace? What if it was a sign? I was only 17 after all, I had my whole life ahead of me... with or without Mark. I wasn't going to think about the latter.
What was I thinking? I couldn't let Mark go - I loved him too much. I knew if I let him go I'd never find someone like him again. He was my soul mate, we were so similar, even down to the getting our words mixed up whenever we spoke. And he loved me too, I had to think about what it would do to him too.
Why should I let those people get to me? Why should I let them win? No, I won't let them. They may have been jealous, but Mark and I loved each other, we weren't going to give that up for anyone.

The press conference was in full swing when I came out of my daze. The guys were answering questions about the album, if there was a forthcoming tour - all questions were answered with a cheeky smile and a friendly quip, causing regular waves of chuckles amongst the press.

Until the dreaded question came up : "Mark, what do you make of all the... negative, shall we say... reactions towards your girlfriend?".
Mark looked round at the guys, then looked at me with an alarmed look on his face - a look that was mirrored by all six of us.
Mark and I shared a knowing glance... that question had to be asked, and had to be answered, there was no getting away from it. I looked down at my hands as though they were the most interesting thing in the world as Mark began to speak.

"I can't tell you I'm happy about it, obviously I'm upset by it. Lorraine, my girlfriend, has done nothing wrong, she doesn't deserve to be treated this way. She may be younger than me, but age is just a number. It's not even a two year difference, I don't see wha' the problem is to be honest.
You bring me the person that says that fallin' in love is a crime, and get them to say it to my face. If two people are happy together, why try to ruin it? I'd like to ask the fans now to please, respect Lorraine and I, especially after the incident at the airport this morning where a fan started kickin' and punchin' Lorraine.
That's no behaviour for anyone to have, and I cannot justify, nor condone it in any way. All I ask is that all the people that have been making prank calls, sending hate mail, and making any other attack on Lorraine, physically or mentally, please stop.
We will keep seeing each other no matter what people do, so there's not really much point in trying to split us up.
There have been many stories about her on the Internet, and in magazines, so I want to bring her up here so you can see that she's not the mean, man-snatching gold-digger as someone once called her.
Lorraine, can you come up here?"

My head shot up, disbelieving the fact that he wanted me to go on television and face all the people who hated me, and who would willingly tear the heart right from inside me.
Mark looked at me, holding his arm out, reassuring me. I slowly stood up, feeling every pair of eyes, and camera watching me was I walked up to the front table where the guys were sitting.


chapter 5

Have you ever felt like you've had an out-of-body experience? That's exactly what I felt as I was walking to the table where Mark stood.

I felt like I could see all the people in the room watching me. I could see myself making slow, tentative steps as if I was walking on eggshells.
I got to the table after what seemed like hours, relieved that I hadn't fainted from nerves in the aisle.
Mark took my hand and brought an extra chair for himself, sitting me down between himself and Bryan.
As soon as I appeared on camera, there was an eruption from the crowd outside, who could see the whole thing on screens outside the conference hall.

I wanted to run. Run out of that room, that building, that life. I couldn't handle it. I felt like screaming at the fans outside to shut up, tell them to leave me alone. And the reporters, well, what wouldn't I like to say to them?! Both Bryan and Mark sensed the tension, and each took hold of one of my hands, and held it tight.

The reporters pounced on me the minute I sat down, like vultures flocking to a dead animal, sensing my obvious nerves.

"What do you make of all this attention..."
"Do you ever wish you could just go back to being normal..."
"Do you feel that you're taking the band member/fan relationship too far..."
"Are you just going out with him for the publicity..." Were all shouted out at once, along with others I was too shocked to take in.
All the flashes of the cameras were making me dizzy. I could feel my head beginning to spin, Mark's face began to grow increasingly blurred.

"Are you a'right?" He whispered. I couldn't speak, I had enough in me just to shake my head. Mark stood up.
"Can we get a glass o' water here please?" There was a distinct murmur in the room, as well as outside while the requested water was brought to the table by one of the security guards.

~~~ outside in the crowd ~~~

Outside Lisa, Clare, Ally and Jenni were... 'assessing the situation'.
"Personally..." Started Lisa. Her friends looked at each other thinking 'Oh no, here we go'.
"I don't see what their problem is - Rainey's dead nice, she's never done anythin' to them, why the hell are they treatin' her the way they'd treat their shoe if they'd just stepped in summat horrible?" The reply she got was that of three shrugs. They didn't know why either.
They looked at the screen and saw me sitting beside Mark and Bryan looking slightly less than well.
"Oh God, she's about to faint, look" Jenni looked on at her friend, while the other girls in the crowd started to scream and shout, no doubt obscenities at the screens.

"Oh, someone's about to feel the girl power on the end of my fist" Lisa muttered as she started to walk towards the nearest screaming girl.
Thankfully, Clare and Ally had heard her, and each grabbed an arm to stop her from doing something she may regret later... though probably much, much later.
"Don't Lis, we don't want you getting arrested or summat daft like that, what would your mam say?"
"Clare, don't be so bloody melodramatic. My mam's always tellin' me I need to believe in stuff and fight for what I believe in. I believe that Rainey and Mark are... well... made for each other, so I'm sticking up for 'em."
"But violence ain't the way Lis...you should know that - you did almost get that girl in the airport - it's not the way to go."
"AND, adding to Ally's pretty practical reason not to get your face smashed in by all this lot, there's the fact that...well...you're hair'll get messed up...and that is NOT good"
"That's true Jenni...what would I do without you?"
"Go to the hairdressers more often for new wigs 'cos some fans kept ripping your hair out probably" Lisa doubled over with laughter, her urge to kick butt suddenly gone.
"Okay, seriously, Rainey's not looking well" Jenni drew the girls' attentions back to the screens where Mark was standing asking for water and Bryan had his arms draped around my shoulder, dipping my head down to get the blood circulating again.

~~~ back inside ~~~

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have made you come up here, this is my fault." Mark took my hand and squeezed it.
"Don't be sorry, you only wanted them to see me as a normal human being... I don't think you can get any more human than this. You did it for us." I gave him the best smile I could.

"I'll be fine, don't worry"
"Are you ready to answer the questions now?" One of the security guys asked me. "Umm... yeah, ready as I'll ever be" I held Mark's hand tight and hoped for the best as the questions started coming.


Chapter 6

To be honest, I can't remember how the rest of the press conference went, I was in too much of a daze to notice anything that was going on around me.

Getting out of the building afterwards now the fans knew I was there was a nightmare. Thank god for security, that's all I can say. There was shouting, screaming, pushing and shoving in all directions, it looked like a big sea of people, literally.

All six of us were bundled into the car and drove off as quickly as possible. As expected I was a little shaky.
"Are you okay?"
"Umm... I uhh... no, I'm not" I clung to Mark tightly, as he did me, I couldn't handle it, I had to let it all out.
I cried into his shoulder all the way to the guys' hotel, the others didn't know where to look.
Needless to say, there was no giggle-filled banter in the car that time.

Back at the hotel, there seemed to be a deathly silence, like a black cloud had descended upon us, pouring down like rain, dampening our spirits, flooding our souls, just like the insults and negative feelings the other fans were giving us... or rather... me.

I excused myself and took the key from Mark to the room he shared with Shane and lay down on one of the beds. I needed to get my head around the things that had taken place that day.
I presumed it was Mark's bed, it had the smell of his aftershave resting on it, it seemed like a layer of dust, that when I lay down on it I upset the powder, sending heart-melting swirls of the fragrance whirling around me, like it was Mark himself holding me, protecting me.
I kicked off my shoes, they seemed to be as suffocating as my clothes, but I wouldn't take them off... I hadn't brought anything else with me as I was travelling back up to Edinburgh that evening by train.

I fell asleep shortly after lying down, the visions of the day creeping back to haunt what little sleep I was going to get.
"You slut"
"You're defending her are you, the slut's best buddy?"
"Do you feel that you're taking the band member/fan relationship too far...?"
"Are you just going out with him for the publicity...?"

Their voices seemed to grow louder and louder, they were closing in on me, shouting, screaming at me, scaring me...closing in... shouting... closing in... screaming...

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!" I shot bolt upright on the bed screaming my lungs out, my forehead dripping with sweat, my hair sticking to me. I hadn't realised the lads had come in. They got the fright of their lives. Mark rushed over from the sofa.

"Lorraine! It's okay, I'm here. Shhh... it's okay... it was just a bad dream... it's okay..." Shane fetched two small cold, damp towels from the bathroom and handed them to Mark. He placed one on the base of my neck, and the other he held against my forehead.
"They... they were shouting at me, screaming, they wouldn't leave me alone, they kept coming at me, closing in... shouting..."
"Who?"
"Them... the fans, the reporters... all the people who hate me. I kept thinking of that girl in the airport, the press conference... I'm so sorry"
"Don't be sorry, you've had a hard day, anyone would feel the same as you, don't..."
"No... nobody feels the way I do. This is the hardest thing I'm ever going to have to do..." I started, bending over to put my shoes on again.
"What's wrong?"
"This. All this... I'm a really emotional and sensitive person... things like this get to me really badly... I can't handle this anymore..." I stood up and walked over to the door where my coat was hung up on the hanger, and my bag was tossed on the floor.

"Where are you going??" Mark looked at me, alarmed. The others looked the same. I quickly put my coat on and slung my bag over my shoulder, struggling to hold back the tears that had started to well up in my eyes which threatened to fall like a waterfall, thick and fast. I slowly turned round to face Mark... and my future.
"I'm going back to Edinburgh now. I can't stay here, the other fans'll go ballistic..."
"Let them!"
"Mark... I can't handle this... it's too hard to keep putting on a front when they keep knocking it down..." I walked over to Mark and kissed him on the cheek.
"Maybe it would be the best thing for everyone if... if I went home and you went back on tour... separating again... but this time for good. Please remember that I love you and I always will. 'Bye guys... Goodbye Mark." I closed the door, turned around and started to walk shakily along the rocky road back to reality... my reality... where I belonged.


chapter 7

That was the first time Mark and I had been apart without touring. It scared the life out of me.

I got to the train station early, and sat down on one of those really uncomfortable metal benches that make your behind so cold after sitting on them for thirty seconds.

Waiting for the train, waiting for the answer to all the questions that were whirling round my mind like a never-ending rollercoaster, waiting for an absolution.
My hands trembled as I thought about Mark in the hotel room. The look on Mark's face was all it took to make my tears cascade down my cheeks like a torrential rain, drowning me in my sadness of leaving the only person I had ever really had in my life, the only person I had ever truly loved.

Thankfully there were very few people in the station that day... just a couple of people on the opposite platform, too far away to see my tears... too far away to understand what I was going through.

I felt horrible in the passing weeks without him. I stayed in my room from the very second I came home from hell... sorry, school. Well, it certainly felt like hell. People at school who had 'connections' found out what happened and spread it round everyone the first week. My ex-friends seemed to be genuinely sorry... until I overheard them sniggering about it in the locker room between classes. I would walk to class and people would look at me, whispering to each other.
"Only did it for the attention I bet..."
"She didn't really like him..."
"Just 'cos he's in a band..." Among others.

My parents were supportive. They seemed to be the only people who were, except my friends on the Internet.
"Don't let these eejits get to ya mate, they don't deserve the time of day, you do what you want to do" was the advice I got from Lisa. If only I could listen to her.
"I can't believe you did it just 'cos a couple of people, who, in the big picture of life are just minuscule, were a wee bit jealous. You should have stood up to them, told them where to go. But whatever you decide to do, you know I'm always here for you, Rainey Mammy" was Jenni's answer.

No matter how much I wanted to move on and do something positive with my life, I'd see Mark's face everywhere I looked, the television, magazine covers, posters in CD store windows, my dreams every single night.

All I'd dream about was the hotel room the day I left, the look on Mark's face as I walked out of the door, the touch of his skin as I kissed him goodbye. I wouldn't do anything because anything I used to do would always make me think of him. My love for listening to music suddenly disappeared, the lyrics would remind me.
I couldn't talk to the few friends I had left, the conversation would remind me. I couldn't go outside anywhere, the emptiness of my hand where he used to hold it would remind me.
I couldn't sleep or eat, I just sat on my bed staring out of the window, or lay on my bed crying my eyes out.

I'd let them win.

I'd let them make me do the one thing I'd promised my heart I'd never do.
I'd walked out on him, I'd walked out on me. I felt like a failure. He was my first proper relationship, and I'd thrown it all away.

My parents began to notice I wasn't eating or sleeping properly. I'd begun to take days off school because I couldn't face the sneers, the whispers, the evil looks.

The hate mail died down somewhat after that, just a couple that told me to keep my distance. The prank calls stopped, which helped a lot.

Mark tried to call me when he had time, but I always made my parents tell him I was out, I couldn't handle talking to him, the sound of his voice was too much, I'd burst into tears just by him saying my name.
Mum and dad had one day had enough, they couldn't stand seeing me in the state that I was, so they decided to do something about it, without telling me.

They called Mark and told them how upset I'd been the few weeks we'd been apart, they told him how I wasn't eating, sleeping, going to school and my grades were slipping...but that they weren't worried about my grades, they knew that if I put my mind to it, I could catch up, that they were worried about us being apart.
They told him that they may just be parents, but they were young once too, and they knew how much he meant to me, and that he had to try to make up with me, because they'd noticed that he'd seemed less than happy in t.v interviews.

Mark was relieved that I hadn't left him because I didn't care anymore, he told my parents that he had to be in Europe for their tour, but he wanted me to come and see him when they did a concert in Glasgow the following week.

"No, I'm not going... I can't"
"You have to, you're not doing yourself any good by sitting there all day, you need him, and you know it"
"But mum..."
"But nothing, I know you love him and you're going to go to that concert and tell him so" And with that, my mother told me to get dressed and come downstairs, as she and dad were going to wait for me in the car to drive from Edinburgh to Glasgow; an hour-long journey that would either take me back to Mark, or take me nowhere.


chapter 8

The journey in the car was silent until my dad switched the radio on.The journey in the car was silent until my dad switched the radio on.

Westlife were being interviewed.

"Tom, turn it off, we don't want to upset her" my mum whispered.
"No, she needs to listen to this, it will help her"

"Hi guys" the DJ greeted the lads. A chorus of "Hi!" And "Hello!" followed.
"So how have you all been?" Four of the five familiar voices answered.
"Ah y'know, we're fine, this tour is our first one with us headlining, we're all over the moon"
"I agree with Shane there, it's absolutely fantastic seeing all the fans there, especially those who have been there since we supported Boyzone back in 1998, it's unbelievable" Nicky chipped in.
"Mark, you're looking pretty down, are you... forgive me for asking... are you still upset about the... umm... sudden departure of your girlfriend of three months? You don't have to answer if it's uncomfortable" There was a short silence while Mark thought of what to say.
"Yes, I'm really upset. The way the fans have acted in a way that has resulted in me losing someone I love with everything that I have in me, their disruptive behaviour shocked me at first, then upset me a lot.
I don't know if Lorraine is listening right now, I hope she is. Lorraine, I want you to know that I still love you, and I hope that you can find it in your heart to tell me that you still love me too." That was me - I started crying like there was no tomorrow.
My mum handed me a packet of tissues and by the time we got to Glasgow, I'd used them all.

"Mum, I can't do this. Please take me home"
"No, you're going in there and you're going to tell Mark you love him, because we can't stand to see you so depressed. We know you still care for him, you need to do what makes you happy, and this will make you happy."
"Do you really think so?"
"I know so. Mother knows best and all that" I cracked a small smile at her pretty pathetic attempt to lift my spirits. That was the first time I'd even thought about smiling in 5 weeks.

My parents got me to the Glasgow SECC a few hours before the concert, as to not be in the middle of about eight thousand fans. I walked up the familiar walkway of the SECC feeling slightly better than a few hours ago.

Mark still loved me. He still loved me despite all the hate mail, prank calls, shouting, shoving, and all the other attacks made on me. He still loved me despite the fact that I'd walked out on him.

Why did I ever walk out? How could I have done that to him, and myself? I don't know. I regretted it more than I'd ever regretted anything in the world.

The first person I saw as I nervously walked through backstage was Bryan. He saw me and bounded up to me, giving me one of his long-overdue brotherly hugs. "Lorraine! Oh my God, Mark'll be over the moon to see yous!"
"I hope you're right. I've missed him so much. Do you think he could forgive me for the way I walked out like I did?"
"There's no way on earth he couldn't. He's been really miserable since you left. Shane tells us he started talking in his sleep, saying stuff about how much he wished he could turn back the clock and have you back.
I don't know if I was supposed to tell you, but you had to know. He'll be so happy to see you." I felt relieved that he hadn't walked away... maybe Mark could forgive me.
Bryan sat me down at a nearby table and we chatted for a while, occasionally being stopped by Shane, Nicky and Kian wandering in from time to time from various places. Each of them greeted me warmly, giving me a big bear hug.

"Yeah, and then I said 'well fish don't ride bikes!'. Had them rolling in the aisles, so it did" The other four of us doubled over with laughter at Bryan's joke.
A few seconds later the door on the far side of the roomcreaked open, and Mark walked in, with his head hung down. He turned his back to the table and went to get a bottle of water.
"I think I'm going crazy lads, I could have sworn I just saw Lorraine's parents outside. I wish she was here." He sighed as he took a gulp of the water.
"Turn around Mark, your wish just came true" Shane said to him. Mark's head shot up and he whirled round to face the table, where I was now standing, my hands fidgeting at my sides.
"Hi Mark, I..." I didn't get to finish the sentence I'd been planning since that afternoon. Mark tossed his water bottle onto a chair in the corner and ran the full length of the room, picked me up and twirled me round.
"Lorraine, oh my god, I'm so glad you're here!" He put me down and hugged me tightly.
"I'm so sorry Mark, I never meant to..."

"It's okay, I know why you left, I'm sorry the fans behaved like that. But this time we can make it work, you'll see. We'll never be apart again"
"Promise?"
"I promise" He let go of me slightly, looking deep into my eyes before kissing me.

All the bad thoughts and feelings that had been running through my mind had gone.
The time that had passed between the press conference and that day hadn't diminished the love and passion we felt for each other.
I had my heart whole again, I had my soul complete.

I had Mark back.


chapter 9

Life after that was so much more bearable. I started eating properly, and didn't have nightmares anymore.
Of course, Mark had to break his promise. He had to go away on tour, and I had to keep going with my schoolwork.

I started talking to my Internet friends again. They were all ecstatic to see me back again, on the computer, and with Mark. They'd met the guys before, and met them regularly while Mark and I had been apart. They saw first hand what our separation was doing to him.
They tried to tell me, but I stayed in my room, I never went on the computer, so I didn't know they were trying to tell me he was as miserable as I was.

"Rainey, girl we are all so happy to see you and Mark back together, you're both so much happier. See Ally, Clare, Jenni - what did I tell you, they were made for each other! I am soooo good at this!" Was some of the contents of Lisa's first email after my return onto the Westlife mailing lists.

I was back to my normal self again. I liked that. Even the fans were coming round to me.
A few weeks later I was listening to the radio, and a girl came on saying that she was one of the girls who hated me for going out with Mark, but she was happy for us now, because she met the guys while we were apart, and she too saw he was unhappy without me, and that she wished us the best of luck... and added that if I ever treated him wrong she'd come after me.
She was just joking about that though.

A few months passed, and my relationship with Mark went from strength to strength. Nothing and no one could take either of us away from the other. We were soul mates, and that was the way it was going to stay.

I loved the school holidays. It meant that I could travel to wherever Mark was and spend time with him. I'd go to the radio stations and television studios with him... and not get harassed by the fans... I liked that.
The most memorable time that I went with him to a television studio was when the guys were co-presenting SMTV again, while Ant and Dec went off to some exotic holiday destination, leaving Cat in the lurch.
Lisa, Clare, Ally and Jenni were there in the audience, and we had a laugh doing the Postbag dance behind the camera.

"And now it's time for you-know-what!!! Play that music maestro!" Bryan shouted as the music for the Postbag dance started. We all joined in, and then the guys sat back down on the sofa, Kian at the end, Shane, Bryan, Nicky and Mark at the other end.

"And the last letter we've got... is for Mark... it says; 'When can we expect wedding bells for you and Lorraine?' And that's from Lisa in Walmer, Kent.
So Mark... can we expect wedding bells?" Nicky nudged his friend in the side while Mark blushed. I shot a look at Lisa.
"You didn't...??!!" A sly Cilla Black 'Surprise surprise' smile crept onto her face.
"I did. I know you're made for each other, I keep telling people, now you've got to get it together and get hitched!"
"Hey, Lorraine, come up here!" "Great Lisa, now you've got Bryan in on it!" I whispered as I walked to the sofa. A slight edginess came over me as I walked up, the memories of the last time I was on television came back. I pushed them out of my mind, I wasn't going to let them get the better of me again.
I got to the sofa and sat on the end next to Mark, and he put his arm around my waist.
"Ah well, you know... uhh... well, we've never really, y'know... talked about it... but now you come to mention it..." Mark stood up and turned towards me.
"Oh my..." I whispered to myself.
"Lorraine..." He started, helping me stand up, then kneeling down on one knee.
"I know we've been through a lot, and we lost a precious few weeks, but I want to make up for that time, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I would be honoured if you would be my wife" I started to quietly cry, from happiness this time.
"Yes" Mark picked me up and twirled me round while Lisa, Ally, Clare and Jenni started whooping and cheering and clapping. Mark slipped the ring on my finger.
"Oh my god, it's so beautiful. Aquamarine... my birthstone"
"I knew you'd like it"
"I love it! I love you"

"I love you too" The other lads also started cheering and clapping, with the occasional wolf-whistle from Kian and Bryan.
Even the audience was enthusiastic, not as enthusiastic as the guys and Lisa, Clare, Ally and Jenni, but still giving it some.

Mark told me after the show that I'd made him the happiest man alive by saying yes. But really it was him that had made me the happiest girl in the world.

I'd always believed that when people are born, they only have half a soul, then when they meet their soul mate, then their souls are complete. That's what I got when I found Mark.


chapter 10

I suppose you're wondering why I'm telling you all this, right?

Well, I wanted to take time to tell people that no matter what obstacles are pushed in your way, and whatever you have to endure to find your soul mate, you should go for it and let nothing stand in your way. You've got to fight for what you believe is right.
That's what I did, and Mark and I have been together since he asked me to marry him on live television.

To show the girls how much I appreciated their support, I asked Lisa, Clare, Ally and Jenni to be my bridesmaids, who all gladly accepted, not just because Bryan, Shane Nicky and Kian were Mark's groomsmen.
I also asked my other friends on the Westlife mailing lists to the reception... I think I'm still paying for damages!

All that was, believe it or not, 53 years ago. All through that time I don't remember us having an argument. Oh, except when we were naming the twins. I gave birth to a boy and a girl on my 21st birthday; March 9th, 2003; Aimee Cara and Joshua Brendan.

Mark and the lads continued to grow as a band, they even broke America. They released 35 singles world wide, 17 of them number one in America, the rest all went to number one in the UK and Ireland, plus Australia, and did extremely well all over the world in the 15 years they were together as Westlife.

Bryan went on to do a solo singing career, in which he was very successful, and branched off occasionally to do acting.

Shane was very successful as a solo artist. He even sold out Wembley Stadium for a fortnight straight.

Nicky dabbled a little in acting for a while, and continued to do so as he established himself in a television presenting career.

Kian decided to shy away from the solo career. He acted in plays, musicals and low-budget Irish films. But he found the most fulfilment when he opened a singing school for talented but underprivileged children in Sligo.

All the lads married. Nicky married his long-term girlfriend, Georgina Ahern 18 months after Mark and I married, and had 5 children, 3 boys and 2 girls.

And Mark and I... well, you can work that out for yourself. But I'm not writing this because the ending of the story is happy. It's actually the opposite.

Mark left me. He didn't leave me for another woman, he'd never do that... but he left me.

Three days ago... Mark died. I haven't been taking it very well, the same with Amiee and Josh, who are now almost 54.
Bryan, Shane, Nicky and Kian are heartbroken too.
The doctors can't tell me what happened, but they told me that he went in his sleep, with no pain. I already knew that, I'd been sitting by his side in the hospital for the past week and a half, holding his hand, singing softly to him.

That's why I'm writing this. This is my journal.
I've kept a journal since I was a teenager. This last entry took up half of the journal.
I'm now at the last page, just like I am with life, I've come to the last sentence.
I'm almost 75 years old, and I'm all alone. I never thought that Mark would leave me when I needed him most. I suppose it's like when I left him back in that hotel room in London.

Someone told me once that remembrance is the best form of goodbye. I'll always remember Mark. The love we shared, the laughs we shared, the hugs and kisses we shared.

But I can't say goodbye. He was my one true love, the Romeo to my Juliet.

I'll be the Juliet now, as she sees her Romeo lying on the church altar, so calm, so peaceful. I'll do the deed that will help me, help me to be together again with my love. With Mark.

I'll always remember, but I can never say goodbye.


~*~
The End