Chapter 16

“You have to tell them where you are and what happened to you,” Shane’s mum Mae said to him as he lay in hospital.
“I don’t want to.”
“If you don’t then I will. It’s been a week now and they are wondering what’s happened to you. It’s not fair to keep them in the dark like this. They’re your friends, Shane. They care about you.”
Shane stared out the window. He didn’t remember much about what had happened to him. He remembered jumping off the bridge but he didn’t know how long he had been in the water or how he had gotten out. He didn’t want to talk to anybody anymore.

Shane refused to tell anybody where he was and in the end Mae told them. Shane had to be admitted to the psychiatrist department in the hospital and on his second day there Kian came to see him. The walls in Shane’s room were white and bare. Shane was sat on the bed and wouldn’t look at him. “Shane?”
“Go away!”
“Shane. I need to tell you something important.” Shane still didn’t look at Kian but he carried on anyway. “On Christmas day Mira was walking home from the party with her sister and a car hit her. The bloke driving the car was drunk to his eyeballs. Shane. Mira was killed.” Seeing no reaction on Shane’s face Kian walked to the door and turned round. “I just don’t want you to make that mistake, Shane.” Kian left and shut the door behind him. Shane cried.

‘Sometimes it’s wrong to walk away,
though you think it’s over,
knowing there’s so much more to say
suddenly the moments gone
and all your dreams are upside down
and you just wanna change
the way the world goes round

tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
wish there was a chance to say I’m sorry
can’t you see,
that’s the way I feel
about you and me, baby
have you ever felt your heart was breaking
looking down the road you should be taking
I should know
Cos I loved and lost
The day I let you go

Can’t help but think that this is wrong
We should be together
Back in your arms where I belong
Now I’ve finally realised
It was forever that I found
I’d give it all to change
The way the world goes round

tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
wish there was a chance to say I’m sorry
can’t you see,
that’s the way I feel
about you and me, baby
have you ever felt your heart was breaking
looking down the road you should be taking
I should know
Cos I loved and lost
The day I let you go

I really wanna hear you say
That you know just how it feels
To have it all and let it slip away
Can’t you see
Even though the moments gone
I’m still holding on somehow
Wishing I could change
The way the world goes round

tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody
wish there was a chance to say I’m sorry
can’t you see,
that’s the way I feel
about you and me, baby
have you ever felt your heart was breaking
looking down the road you should be taking
I should know
Cos I loved and lost
The day I let you go’
(Have You Ever, S Club 7, Sunshine, 2001)

Two days later Shane was discharged into the care of Anto and Mae while the other four went over to promote their next single Bop Bop Baby in England. Shane and Anto made an agreement that Shane could go back to work after he had been to two Alcoholics Anonymous meetings but he would still have to have rehabilitation therapy. On the night of Shane’s first meeting everyone went with him. They all sat in the back while Shane introduced himself. “Hi. I’m Shane,” He said nervously. He looked at Anto who nodded at him. “And I’m an alcoholic.” The rest of the room chorused into ‘Hi Shane’.

‘I never knew my life would come to this. After what happened I wanted everything to be alright again so I tried to block everything out. I did it all the wrong way. I felt bad about what happened and in someway I thought it was all my fault. The more I thought about it the more I believed it. But in the end it wasn’t just me that was hurting, it was also my family and friends. I wanted so badly to make it right again but I felt I couldn’t which made it worse. That’s why I did what I did. I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t really know what I was doing. It all came about wrong and I perceived it the wrong way. I needed to do something and I thought this was the only way I could do it. I know I was wrong. All I was looking for was some hope. I couldn’t find it until it was too late. It shone in the faces of the people around me. It was there in front of me all the time but I had my eyes closed to the world. I turned my back on life. Everything I used to know existed just disappeared right in front of me. Or so I thought. In it all I thought I had lost everything. I blamed myself for something that wasn’t true. Then a friend got killed by a person just like me and I realised then that I didn’t want to be like that person anymore. There I realised that, that hope was there after all along with everything else my life ever needed.’

After the meeting Anna went over to Shane. They put their arms round each other and cried. There was no need for words. They both knew how the other was feeling and what they wanted to say.

The next day was Mira’s funeral. There were flowers everywhere. Mira had always been a popular girl. She was the type of girl that everybody loved. Nobody could hate her. After the service Shane and Hollie walked through the graves. “I’m so sorry,” Shane cried. “I never meant to hurt anybody. Least of all you.”
“It’s ok. You didn’t know how to cope. But you should have talked to somebody about it.”
“But I want to know the truth. Are you with Kian now?”
“No. We had a one-night stand. It was a comfort thing.”
“You slept with him?”
“Only once. I swear.”
They slowly walked home together talking. They reached their house and neither of them could keep their hands off each other. Shane led Hollie to their bedroom.
In the morning Hollie had doubts. She still loved Shane but he hurt her so badly she didn’t know whether she could ever trust him again. When Shane came down to the kitchen where she was eating her breakfast she told him.
“Just give me some time to think things over,” she said to him.
“Ok,” was Shane’s reply.