greatlies

Since the beginning of time, man has tried to explain the meaning of life. Many times, in a desperate search for an easy answer, lies have been used as an acceptable explanation in place of truth. With time, many lies became an unquestioned reality to humans. This is also the case when dealing with what I call, The Three Great Lies: 1) Plate Tectonic Theory is factual, 2) Shamu is our friend, and 3) Dinosaurs did "the nasty." In this article, truth will be revealed, minds will be set free, and lies will cease to cloud our minds.

LIE #1: The earth is made of 3 layers: the crust, mantle, and core. The outermost “layer”, the “crust”, is made of many “plates” which glide and move along the layer of molten “rock” beneath it. This movement is the alleged cause of earthquakes, tsunamis, mountains, and continental drift. So pretty.

RESPONSE: Many have heard this theory of plate tectonics—the man is just that good. The truth is, the “tectonic plates” are actually living, breathing animals. Yes, animals. These animals move around, which explains continental drift. They move so slowly that humans can not feel this movement—only occasionally when one becomes startled and jumps, explaining earthquakes and tsunamis (these guys are real pranksters!). When these animals were babies, they cuddled together to keep their tiny bodies warm (heard in a popular lie called “Pangea”).   When told of this theory, people ask what these animals eat, what they look like, etc.… Well I don’t know, I’ve never seen them. But don’t upset them, or else they’ll become hostile—don’t be surprised if a “mountain” erupts because of this.

LIE #2: Shamu is so cute. He likes to do tricks for you. Look, aww. Let’s save those whales, they’re our friends.

TRUTH REVEALED: NO!! This is not a man-made conspiracy—
the whales are the only ones to blame here. Humans have just been
too concerned with land based problems to really see the truth.
There’s a reason why Orcas are also called Killer Whales. I’ve seen
them. The beaches are not safe my friend—even for the man.
Killer Whales can swim up onto our beaches, rendering baby seals,
and your family members, helpless. Without a moment’s notice—
all you’ll see is the black and white face of death looking you in the
eye—and then it will be too late. Now that you know the truth,
write a letter to the nearest Sea World. Tell them to never free Willy!

LIE #3: Dinosaurs were inhabitants of this earth millions of years ago. They reproduced, becoming the ruling species for hundred of years. Their cause of their extinction is unknown.

TRUTH REVEALED: Oh yeah, like that’s believable. We know about their eyes, (the T-Rex scene in Jurrasic Park will explain this) how can we not know about their forms of reproduction? The truth is, we do know. In a society where the media is saturated with sex, paleontologists (and the man) could not bear to reveal the truths of dinosaurs in fear their fans may lose interest in museums and cable television stations such as The Discovery Channel, or The Learning Channel. Sex is what sells. Museum tickets to see the bones of a species that wouldn’t do "the nasty" won’t sell.   During this time in history, the climate was becoming warmer. Many of the dinosarus had headaches from dehydration and just didn't feel like "doing it." And even if one decided to—think of the Stegosaurus! With sharp scales on its back, how could a mate approach without bleeding to death? It’s only form of protection against predators becomes it’s only from of death. It’s Shakespeare—so tragic.

This information may come as a shock to many of you.** But you must always remember to DEMAND the truth.   Do not be decieved by the world of lies you are forced to live in on a daily basis. FIGHT BACK. Write your local congressman. Or start small--call your parents today and demand to know why they've lied to you for so long. They may claim to have no idea what you're talking about, but just remember they lied to you about a bearded man sliding down your chimney--yet never getting dirty.

**Warning: If you feel any dizzyness, place head between knees and contact the student counseling center at 979-845-2700.