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| Capricorn (Dec. 21-Jan 19) For the Caps celebrating a birthday this month, we weary of partying too hard. Good times may end with your face in a trashcan if you aren't careful. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 17) The next month will be a month of anticipation for you—maybe a yearly special occasion of sorts coming up. Keep finances under a close watch near mid to end January, maybe somebody close to you will be planning on buying that special something for you instead. Pisces (Feb. 18-March 19) Looking for love? Sorry but this month is just bad for you. Good luck in February though. Aries (March 20-April 19) Be weary of those knocking on your door this month, Aries. Mars, which is made mostly of metals, is your ruling planet. And what are locks made of? That’s right, metals. So keep your doors locked this month. Gemini (May 20-June 20) Your feelings of new beginnings this month aren’t coincidence, Gemini. Saturn is trying to circle the sun this month, which signals positive chances of your dreams becoming reality. Stick to your goals and see the positive effects. |
| Cancer (June 21-July 21) Whoa, I’m picking up strong feelings for you this month, Cancer. Oh wait, sorry, my foot just feel asleep, that’s all. Everything looks okay, keep up the good work. Leo (July 22-Aug. 22) Feeling misunderstood this new year? Buy my book, “Healing Powers of the Unknown—Things You Just Don’t Know”* to help solve your problems. *Available in bookstores this month. $48.99--Prices may vary in Hawaii, Alaska, and Canada. See local store for details. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21) It’s not a skin disease. Go to the doctor. Libra (Sept. 22- Oct. 22) Don’t get so hung up on your love interest this month. I have a feeling they’re cheating on you, so you might as well just go out there and cheat on them too. Local bars and clubs are a good place to start for a water sign like you, Libra. Scorpio (Oct. 23- Nov. 21) Oh man, you better go to church right away. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 20) Good things come to those who wait, but you’re not getting any younger. Go chase your dreams. But don’t attempt this without purchasing my new book – “Healing Powers of the Unknown—Things You Just Don’t Know.”* *Available in bookstores this month. $48.99--Prices may vary in Hawaii, Alaska, and Canada. See local store for details. |
| JANUARY HOROSCOPES with the Crouching Tuna |
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