And sometime after the storm, I came to realize that it will always be raining somewhere. And it was sometime after it all began that I was truly able to contemplate what transpired. And it was all the little things that built up and all the disclosures I encountered could not even surmount what was to come. True, a contradiction, but honestly, that's all it's been so far. To dwell on the past? No, that would be impractical. But to scrutinize as to learn from one's mistakes? Absolutely. To look back and regret? Never. And to understand the imperfections of the world? Without a doubt. Forget all the rules, And let me follow my heart. And if I lose, it's only part of the storm that I must walk through, most of the time without an umbrella. Clear skies would help but the are only illusions, like rainbows, for they only last so long. We've been taught otherwise. But I've learned that nothing is for certain. Perhaps I'll stay around to see how things turn out. And it was sometime after the storm that I understood that things are never stagnant; I can't get too comfortable. I allowed you to peer into my soul and dig around for something that you could call your own, but you avoided it, you shy away form the opportunity, you were distracted. But you missed out on something not everyone can experience, you were chosen, but you chose to disregard. And you couldn't even figure it out for yourself. Do you know I feel shame? Probably not, and I still want to love you. The scenery changes, but not the incidence of conflict. It repeats itself because I aparrently have not learned. Maybe I'm a creature that enjoys its own sick delusion and insanity. To fall victim to my own circumstances makes me feel so lifeless. Why though? When did everything turn on me? Or am I just doing a very good job of keeping myself blinded by somthing that doesn't really exist? Whatever it is, it's doing a good job of keeping me insane when it is unalterably unnecessary and undesireable to do so. What will the weater be like tomorrow? Will I allow myself to go outside and muddle through the conditions, or will I rationalize and justify staying in? I doubt anyone else will stay in with me, and I don't want to be alone. Bring in the clouds, cover the sun...downpour! Let me dance in the rain and the puddles, I've got extra clothes! And it was quite sometime after the storm...when the rain stopped...the thunder ceased...the lightning flashed one final time...the flood waters receded and things began to grow again that I finally realized that survival was possible and inevitable. There comes a time where everything just fades- all the pain, the misery, the soul-fighting. A time where one can feel the sun in their eyes and be satisfied with the warmth but still be awe-struck by its power. Was I humbled? Irrevocably. But was I strengthened? Only time will tell me for sure. I still cry though. My tears fall like the raindrops that are always falling somewhere. Still feeling shut out by the rest of the world, I wait for them to laugh at me and give me even more reason to shudder. Though perhaps made stronger, it was too little too late as I was broken before I could defeat what held me hostage. Will it alway be like this? A rollercoaster? Well, nothing is stagnant. Am I chasing my destiny? No, I've caught it and now it holds me in its clutches and leads me, my mind, my soul, my heart. Am I chasing my fantasies of a perfect life? The search never ends. My heart will know when it does. |
| After the Storm by Katrina Gray |