yeast

I must admit, being in the medical profession has privileged me to seeing many odd and sometimes frightening things. There was the boy with a bowling pin stuck up his ass and his sister with the chunk of carpet stuck down her throat (you see, it does run in the family afterall) Nothing prepared me for the day a young lady came into my office with a yeast infection. Now I know it's taboo for a guy to talk about a "female thing" but I'm a doctor damnit!

So yes, this nice, attractive, young woman comes into my office one day. I knew something was up because when she closed the door to my office I was bombarded with the smell of garlic butter biscuits from Red Lobster. I would soon realize that this fair maiden was the creator of the odor. Well she sat down and told me that she had a yeast infection and for the last 3 months she had been trying a home remedy. I had a couple of problems with her initial statement. 3 MONTHS!?! Oh my word! She could have opened up her own Subway with as much yeast as she had produced in 3 MONTHS! What's the deal with the home remedy thing?
We have this invention called medicine you know. It does wonders. No longer do people die from such trivial things as polio or influenza.

So she goes on to tell me about her home remedy. It seems she was a very protective girl and never doubted her parents. Her parents, whom I would later find out make great breads and cheeses, told the young girl that in order to relieve her misery she should INSERT plain yogurt and fresh garlic into "her holiest of holies." This bitch was straight up turning into a human bread machine. The thought sends shivers up my spine. It was foul yo!

So after my complete disgust was dealt with I simply said....."Damn girl, you ass is dirty! Go wash that shit out and buy some of that cream stuff."
What's the point of this essay? I'm simply trying to inform potential patients not to try home remedies when going to the doctor's office. I don't want to see that shit!

- N. Manicotto, DM