The nurse at my local GP’s referred me to a smoking cessation clinic in Selly Oak. I didn’t actually say I wanted to give up, I just told her I smoked and she said, “Right, I’ll get you in the smoking cessation clinic” - no discussion! So I figured I might as well give it a go.
Clinic starts in two weeks. Plenty of time, I think. Suddenly, two weeks have passed and the Big Day has arrived and I’m So Not Prepared. Haven’t thought about it, haven’t planned anything, haven’t psyched myself up, haven’t even read The Easy Way to Give Up book I’ve had for the last three years. Nothing.
And I’m not in the mood, its not the right time to give up, not the right day, not the right month. Suddenly afraid, I stand at the bus stop after work and let fate decide. If my normal bus comes first, I’ll just go home and forget about the clinic. If the Selly Oak bus comes first, I’ll go.
Before I’ve even had the chance to light a cigarette, the Selly Oak bus arrives. I give a deep sigh of resignation.
I imagined the Smoking Cessation Drop-In Clinic to be full of cubicles of doctors having deep and meaningful one-to-one discussions on why you smoke, the dangers of smoking and the best way to give it up. But it’s actually a big hall. And its absolutely crammed full of people (the Saturday clinic is apparently even more crowded).
I queue outside the building, filling in a newbie form as the queue slowly crawls inside. It takes 20 minutes to reach the place where you hand in your forms, and another 20 minutes queuing in the hall for your nicotine patches. Whilst in the second queue, people make you breath into carbon monoxide meters to prove you haven’t been smoking recently. Except I have. Because I haven’t given up yet. I just came along for the nicotine patches in preparation.
My carbon monoxide reading is 20. “You smoke 20 cigarettes a day,” I’m told.
“No I don’t!”
“Well, according to your reading, you do.”
“The reading is wrong, I smoke 15 cigarettes a day.” This is true.
“Then you must have had one recently.”
Not as recent as I’d have liked!
I eventually reach the front of the queue where the patches are being handed out by super-cheerful people. I’m told I’ll get free patches every week for the next four weeks as long as my carbon monoxide reading goes down, proving I no longer smoke. I nervously nod my agreement, realising that I’ll have to give up sometime within the next seven days!
I try not to think about it and make a run for it with my freebie patches. I’m absolutely gasping for a cigarette but can’t have one in case someone from the clinic sees me, and it doesn’t look good to leave a smoking cessation clinic with a lit fag in your gob.
I wait until I’m at the bottom of the road and, even then, I feel desperately guilty.
But not guilty enough to put it out.
Monday 26 April 2004
Right, its happening … I have “chosen” to stop smoking, to become a “non-smoker”, to “extricate myself from this dreaded addiction”.
My partner gave up six weeks ago and I’ve basically been making excuses since then, but now I’ve decided. I’ve set a date. Tomorrow I’m doing battle with the nicotine monster and setting my poor body free.
I email my work colleagues and bosses: “Be afraid! I am attempting, for about the 104th time, to give up smoking tomorrow. From past experience I will be either catatonic or hysterical this will only last three months or so : )”
Spend the night frantically reading Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking book. Its been in my bag travelling to and from work with me for almost two months, but I’ve only now decided it might be a good idea to read it. Nod sagely at certain parts, gasp at the simplicity of insightful passages, and really begin to feel capable of Doing the Dreaded Deed.
“I’m ready!” I tell my partner, slamming the book shut and immediately lighting up a cigarette. “I want to give up.”
I’m confident. I’m prepared.
I’m absolutely terrified.
Tuesday 27 April 2004
DAY 1
Planned to leap out of bed crying, “I’m free!” in celebration of my non-smoking status. Instead, I hauled myself out of bed and mumbled, “Yeah, whatever.”
I try not to notice it but I feel a little ‘down’. I haven’t had a cigarette, nor am I going to have one … ever again. It’s a little depressing, but Allen Carr Has Written that its just the nicotine monster having a bit of a strop (and, living with teenagers, I know all about strops). His book also advises not to use any nicotine substitutes, so that’s the patches out the window (I put them in my bag in case of emergencies - like I get the screaming abdabs or start attacking my bosses or something).
I get ready for work. My brain is constantly nudging me and saying, “Where’s this fag then? We normally have a fag as soon as we get up, don’t we?” My stomach has also twisted itself into a tight knot, a bit like severe hunger pain, only I’m not hungry, my body just wants its usual nicotine hit.
But its not having it.
By the time I get on the bus to go to work, my brain has really fogged up, as if someone has stuffed my skull with cotton wool. I feel extremely light headed and most definitely Not With It. I can barely focus and my eyelids feel heavy - I almost fall asleep.
At work, things don’t improve. My stomach’s knotted, my brain is Way Out There Man, and every molecule in my body is screaming out for a cigarette. “Well you can’t have one,” I say to myself, over and over and over again (I imagine it’s a toddler screaming for sweeties in a supermarket). Its like machine gun fire in my head; ciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggie. It pauses for breath, I have a split second of silence, of not thinking about cigarettes, before it starts again; ciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggieciggie
I make myself sick eating huge amounts of bananas, grapes and cherry tomatoes bought specially for the occasion (I spent £10 on fruit and felt decadent, yet I think nothing of forking out almost £5 a day for fags). I think about cigarettes constantly, incessantly, obsessively. Try to think of other things, but my spaced out mind is incapable of concentrating on anything. Figure I shouldn’t actually be at work as I’m a complete waste of time, so I just smile a lot and stare at the computer screen pretending to work when actually I’m thinking about how much I don’t want to smoke whilst thinking how much I want a cigarette.
Its actually not as bad as I expected, not as bad as its been before (on the many, many occasions when I’ve previously attempted to give up). The ‘craving’ is tolerable thanks to Allen Carr’s wise words, my sheer determination to stop now while I’m (hopefully) ahead, and the incredible lightheadedness which takes the edge off it all.
I am surprised at the effect the lack of nicotine is having on my body, though. Extremities are tingling and I feel physically lighter, my muscles move easier, I don’t feel weighed down or clogged up. I almost feel released, as if I’ve been drowning and now I can breathe again. But my brain is non-functional, apparently unable to cope with the sudden increase in oxygen. Its like being very, very drunk - not unpleasant, just inconvenient.
I’m also extraordinarily tired. Without the nicotine to stimulate and speed up my body, I’ve become lethargic, almost catatonic. My eyelids are like lead sheets. I try walking round the office, running up and down the stairs, bending and stretching in the corridor when no one’s around. Nothing works, so I go to the toilet to close my eyes for a few minutes.
Next thing I know, I’m waking up from a deep sleep, complete with dreams, having slumped on the seat for at least 20 minutes. I stagger to the sink to splash cold water on my comatosed face and notice a large red mark across my forehead where its been leaning against my arms/knees. I rush back to my desk expecting everyone to ask where I’d been, but they all glare at me and ask, “You haven’t been for a fag, have you?”
As if I’d dare under all that scrutiny!
I surf the net for advice/inspiration (see below), and read that you should sip water when you have a craving for a cigarette. As the craving is pretty much incessant and I've all but shoved my head under the water dispenser, I feel like a very large water balloon. It also says to take deep breaths, except when I do it increases the light-headedness to such an extent that I almost pass out. Oxygen overdose!
Meet partner at pub for our usual Tuesday night pint. We get to sit in the empty, comfortable non-smoking section. I have my usual pint of Stella but don’t smoke, which feels weird but not difficult. I say to partner, “Watch this.” I inhale deeply, then pretend to flop unconscious in my seat like a rag doll. I think its hysterical and proceed to do this all night - deep breath and flop, deep breath and flop. My partner shows great patience.
Still incredibly tired, I go to bed at 8.00pm and sleep right through until 6.30am, waking only to indulge in some serious nightmares during the night (pretty sure I got out of bed at one point and wandered around the bedroom looking for a giant cigarette).
But I did it! A whole day without smoking!
Yes!
Wednesday 28 April 2004
DAY 2
Still feel incredibly light headed, but not as bad as yesterday (if you’d have cut my arm off yesterday I probably wouldn’t have noticed). Didn’t feel so bad waking up to No Cigarettes this morning, there was just a pang of deprivation but nothing horrific - after all, I managed without them All Day yesterday.
I survived the first day, the worst day. It’ll all get easier from now on.
Feel good that I’ve got this far, very proud of myself. As Allen Carr says, I shouldn’t consider myself deprived, I haven’t given anything up, I’ve reclaimed my life by refusing to be dependent on nicotine any more. Its not an endurance test to see how long I can go without a cigarette before lighting one up. I’ve stopped. That’s it. I no longer smoke.
I am now a non-smoker and should just get on with it.
So that’s what I’m doing, just getting on with it, ignoring the cravings, pretending I’m just a bit ill and I’ll get over it soon. Its not that the craving is an actual pain, its more of an ache in the pit of my stomach, just under my rib cage (where the nicotine monster lurks!). There are much more uncomfortable aches - tooth ache, stomach ache, headache, heartache (now that’s painful!). This is a kind of undefined ache, as if I'm hungry, so I stuff myself with fruit (and, okay, the occasional chocolate bar), but still feel hungry and because I’ve eaten to capacity I now Want A Cigarette to finish it off!
Tried to cut down on the fruit intake today (really gone off grapes and cherry tomatoes, and can’t even face the bananas). Also, discovered that eating too much fruit has side effects! Sipping water helps, but visits to the toilets have increased tenfold - in fact, I might as well carry my computer in there, I'd get more work done! I’m sure my work colleagues think I’m sloping off for a crafty fag all the time.
Still feel tired, as if I could fall into a deep sleep at any minute. Tell myself that this is the result of all that smoking, putting all those poisons in my body for so many years. My body became immune and, now I’ve take the poison away, its recovering, thriving with oxygen again. I should feel energetic, but I don’t. I just want to sleep (recuperate?).
I want to be like ‘normal’ people (well, physically at least). I don’t want to smoke, I don’t want to think about smoking, I don’t want to depend on cigarettes any more. I want to be free. I want to go to the cinema without glancing at my watch to see how much longer before I can have a cigarette. I want to go on holiday without considering the flight an agony of clock watching because I can’t smoke.
I want to stop spending almost £5 every day on something I burn, and not worry about my breath or my clothes or my house smelling of stale tobacco. And I want to stop worrying about my health, about heart disease, lung cancer, slow debilitation, ending up in hospital suffering from something I could have prevented If Only I’d Given Up Years Ago.
I fervently wish to become a non-smoker.
AFTERNOON
A breakthrough. I’ve gone Whole Seconds without thinking about cigarettes! I want one, sure, but I’m not going to have one. I can’t. I don’t have any. And I’m certainly not going to buy any, not any more. Because I am a non-smoker.
Tomorrow, I might go Whole Minutes without thinking about it.
I’m getting there. It is getting easier. Yesterday I kept ringing my partner (who gave up six weeks ago) to ask, “I’m really spaced out, did you feel like that?” He did. “I’m constantly thinking about cigarettes, I can’t think about anything else.” He knew. “Its endless. Will it ever stop?” It would. Which encouraged me. It wasn’t going to last forever. It would all end eventually.
I’m just ill, just waiting to get better again.
The worst is over. I can almost think in a straight line again (well, a kind of bouncy, inflatable line). I couldn’t eat any more fruit if my life depended on it. The thinking about cigarettes isn’t so incessant, I have long periods (of seconds) when I can actually concentrate on something else. I can envisage a time when I won’t think about cigarettes at all.
In the meantime, the incessant craving of yesterday has dropped off to a kind of low hum (not a pneumatic drill any more, more of a bumble bee) - always there but not as irritating. Every now and then a big wave comes (“I REALLY REALLY WANT A FAG!”) and I brace myself, let it wash over me, feel my body change as it disappears. In my head I imagine the nicotine monster having another strop because I won’t give it what it wants - sometimes the monster is a funny cartoon character, other times it has full special effects and roars like buggery.
But I’m in control here, not some little monster. Its my life. And I chose to live it as a non-smoker.
Thursday 29 April 2004
DAY 3
Extraordinarily tired all the time. Went to bed at 9.00pm last night, woke at 7.00am, yet still almost fell asleep on the bus coming into work this morning - not a normal, yawny type tired but a simply-cannot-keep-my-eyelids-open type tired. Don’t know why this is, I would have thought with more oxygen going through my body I’d be invigorated, but I’m practically catatonic. Even now, sitting at my computer, I’m staring at my screen and can feel my eyelids getting heavier and heavier. Very odd. I have to keep moving just to stay awake.
Brain still a bit cloudy (as opposed to foggy) and concentration isn’t back to full capacity yet. Also finding it hard to focus (on my computer screen for one), though that might be because I feel so tired. All of it completely bearable, like a hangover without the pain.
Not a clue how I coped at work on Tuesday, I was a complete flake, didn’t know what the hell I was doing … I’ve spent the last two days waiting for repercussions (none as yet). My boss has been very good, though - not sure if its deliberate or a coincidence, but he’s hardly given me any work this week (maybe Tuesday proved I was incapable of doing any!). It really was like being drunk, not unpleasant at all.
The cravings are down from pneumatic ciggieciggieciggie to a low hum that occasionally surges (when I get up in the morning, after a meal, triggers like that). I just treat it as a stomach ache and wait for it to pass, which it does after a few minutes. Every now and again there’s a big urge, but I just imagine the nicotine monster building up for another weak strop - its almost dead now, all shrivelled up and pathetic. I’m winning, no doubt about it.
Oh, and the best thing is I’m not thinking about cigarettes All The Time. It started going home on the bus last night, I was staring out the window and suddenly realised that I hadn’t been thinking about cigarettes. Today is even better, I’m going for longer periods (whole minutes!) of not thinking about them at all, and its only Day 3!
Really surprised how well I’m doing. I read the Allen Carr book so fast on Monday night I was worried I didn’t take any of it in. I must have, because giving up smoking this time has been so incredibly easy. The withdrawal symptoms were almost pleasant because they were physical indications of the nicotine leaving my body - and it was doubly pleasing to know I was doing it all on my own without using any nicotine replacement. I’ve gone cold turkey! Me, who has absolutely no willpower whatsoever! Must be a flipping good book to affect you that profoundly. Whenever I’ve given up before I’ve suffered agonies and usually couldn’t stand the pain after a few days. This time I’m groggy, but hardly suffering at all. Its almost nice … the perfect excuse to feel drunk at work without having drunk anything.
My hands keep feeling mildly pins-and-needles and, apart from being extremely tired, I’m also extremely cold all the time. I’ve taken to wearing my winter coat to work (complete with scarf - I look a right plonk), otherwise I sit on the bus and dither and can’t get warm for the rest of the day. Wonder what causes this (weaker blood, thinned by excess oxygen?). It just goes to show exactly the effect smoking has on your body.
And I’m still doing the inhale …flop thang. I’ve read that every time I feel like a cigarette, I should take a deep breath. I do, then wobble and drawl, “Hey man, groovy.” Talk about a sudden rush … and its free! Its cheap! Oxygen, the new addictive drug!
I can’t say I’m eating much more (although I am nibbling a lot) because eating too much makes you feel full, and what happens when you’re full? Yep, you wanna fag. So trying to stick to fruit and gallons of water. But I figure even if I put on weight, it’ll still be better than developing emphysema.
I have to say, one of the biggest reasons to give up smoking for me was seeing my dad in hospital (not that dad’s ever smoked, but the people around him in the ICU obviously did - I so do NOT want to end up like that). When I'm absolutely desperate for a fag, I just think about them.
AFTERNOON
I’ve been out for lunch, walking. Walking, and thinking, “Why aren’t I huffing and puffing like normal? Why aren’t my legs aching yet?” Eh?
And I swear, I’ve gone 20, maybe even 25 minutes, without thinking about cigarettes. Isn’t that fab!
It just keeps on getting easier and easier.
Friday 30 April
DAY 4
Ha! Famous last words! I appear to have hit a wall - it must be one of those 'awkward times' I've read about. I've used up all my positive thinking and the fog has lifted in my head so my brain can at last function again, and I want a cigarette.
Its not painful, its incredibly annoying, like being hungry all the time, aching with hunger. It didn't help that I booked today off work to make for a long Bank Holiday weekend, so I'm at home, away from the routine of work, and thinking, "Hmmm, I'll have a fag," roughly every 10 minutes or so. My brain - fogless though it is - doesn't seem to have cottoned onto the fact that I don't smoke any more. I mean, what does it think I've been doing for the last four days, suffering for the hell of it?
There are, apparently, more triggers to smoke at home than there are at work. Finish washing up / vacuuming and the habit is to treat yourself to a sit down and a fag. Go shopping, and get the urge to light up as soon as you leave the supermaket. Things like that. All the physcial symptoms have more or less stopped now (apart from the ache), so its like I've gotten over the worse bit yet still want a cigarette, perhaps more so now than before.
Its insane to want something this badly, to crave for it so much when I Really Don't Want To Do It Any More. Am just going to have to grit my teeth and get on with it. My partner assures me it'll go away, but I'm concerned I might be a "special, particularly sensitive" person who is going to feel this way for the rest of their life ("So you might as well have a fag," says the brain!).
It's not pain, I guess its more psychological than anything - brain still thinks its smoking (check the IQ on that thing will ya) and, like a knee jerk response, the body still wants to reach out for a packet of fags thats no longer there and light one up. I'm sitting here with my mouth hanging open telling them both to Get A Grip! I've even stood in front of a mirror, staring at myself and saying out loud, "Oi, pay attention, now hear this. We no longer smoke. Is that understood? We don't have fags any more. This is a smoke free zone." I sit down and the brain goes, "So, you gonna have a fag then or what?" I despair!
On the plus side, after having the Mother of All Sleeps this afternoon (no warning, one minute awake, next minute unconscious, for four solid hours, completely zonked), the lethargy has finally legged it. And my skin is visibly better, healthier looking, which just proves that drinking 120 gallons of water per day is good for your complexion.
Saturday 1 May
DAY 5
Just feel hungry all the time and, because I'm at home, I'm eating. Constantly. I don't have a sweet tooth, but the chocolate that's lingered in the fridge since Easter has all gone, along with the 10 snack pack Mars bars I bought yesterday. I'm currently wading my way through tomatoe flavoured peanuts! Its a niggly craving that I can't satisfy, like being hungry only when I eat I still feel hungry afterwards. Again, not painful, just annoying. It also means that, this time next month, I shall be roughly the size and density of Pluto (the planet not the dog).
Today my Partner's gone to Bradford for the day so I'm all alone (cue feeling sorry for herself music here). This doesn't normally bother me, but today I lack my own motivation and leeching on his would have helped. The computer keeps crashing, too, and I've exhausted my vocabulary of expletives and resorted to making deep and meaningful sounds at it instead. But, even in the midst of this Lonely Trauma, I will not smoke ... what a waste that would be after suffering for four days.
I'll just eat instead. Next stop, alcohol. Followed by a long stint in an Detox Clinic for the Chronically Obese.
Sunday 2 May
DAY 6
The craving is still there (a dull ache like hunger pains only not), but I’m taking my mind off it a bit easier today than I was yesterday. Pottered a lot. Dashed out into garden whenever it stopped raining and even had a decent enough spell to get halfway through the Sunday papers whilst sitting outside. Every now and again I’d think, ‘Oh I’d kill for a fag,’ but it didn’t last long. I distracted myself a lot and deliberately chilled (i.e. forced myself to relax for a while instead of running round like a chicken with its head cut off, which I simply couldn’t sustain.) Its actually very difficult to sit and do nothing when you have a craving … and also because, in the past, sitting reading the paper usually meant you had a fag in one hand.
Its far easier now than it was at the beginning, but there’s still that nagging ache. And, surprisingly, I actually miss the art of smoking. Well, I say ‘art’, what I mean is having something in my hand, bringing it to my mouth and inhaling on it - or sticking a burning object in my gob and sucking on it, which conjures up a completely different image. I suppose its just the thought of doing something comforting that I miss. Must remind myself that the ‘comforting’ habit was slowly killing me.
Physically, I feel so much better. Before I gave up smoking I exhaled and I heard wheezing in my lungs, along with a bit of ‘crackling’ (not sure what the crackling was, don’t like to ponder on it too much). Now, when I exhale, there’s nothing. And I don’t wheeze in bed at night any more, so my lungs are definitely recovering from 28 years of nicotine abuse (and do you know what other chemicals are in cigarettes? see here ). Also found (in my avid searching of the internet) that there is something called “Smoker’s Face”, where smokers share similar facial features (mostly wrinkles). A vain incentive to not smoke any more - what woman wants to look older than her years?
So, doing okay, feel positive. I still crave a cigarette but not in the “I MUST HAVE A FAG NOW!” way, more of a “Hmmm, wouldn’t mind a fag right now,” way. I just ignore it and it goes away (tottering back later to mutter, “Hmm, wouldn’t mind a fag right now,” et al).
Drinking is definitely helping my craving, though wouldn’t recommend this as a solution (cue nation of non-smoking alcoholics).
Monday 3 May
DAY 7
I’ve done 7 whole days without smoking! I’d never have thought it possible. On previous occasions I’m usually clambering up the walls long before Day 7, getting all hysterical because the craving is unbearable. But now, hardly a thing - a twinge every now and again, especially at trigger moments, but more than bearable. Keep reminding myself it’s a good thing I’m doing, I’m 43 (37?) and shouldn’t be subjecting my ageing (sagging?) body to chemical poisons any more. I’m starting to feel quite smug - look at me, I’ve given up smoking (and people say its difficult, pah!). It is difficult, but not impossible - you just have to grit your teeth through the discomfort (is that me preaching? surely not!)
Because it’s a bank holiday today, my partner and I went out to lunch. Found a seat quite easily in the No Smoking part of the restaurant (okay, pub), whilst a crowd built up in the smoking section. Resisted the urge to tut at the poor addicts.
Tuesday 4 May
DAY 8
Day 8! Back to work, thank God. Seems easier not to smoke at work than it does at home (may have mentioned this before) - there are more triggers to smoke at home than at work.
Still getting the odd twinge every now and again, but they’re getting further and further apart (maybe 8-10 times a day as opposed to All Day on Day 1 and 2), and they only last a couple of minutes. Definitely getting easier. Definitely eating more. And drinking more alcohol! But will deal with that after I’ve completely conquered smoking (one thang at a time, girl).
Surprised that my sense of taste has changed. Didn’t expect this as, not having a sense of smell, I assumed my taste was buggered anyway. But I’ve noticed subtle differences in food … i.e. it mostly tastes better, which is a bonus smoke-wise but a complete sod when you’re already eating too much because of the craving. Except for takeaway curry - my favourite chicken tikka biryani tastes nothing like it used to, in fact, I don’t think I like it any more (gutted!).
I remember reading that sleep patterns might change once you give up smoking. Mine certainly has. I’m in bed way before 10pm usually (aren’t I supposed to have more energy now?). Also, my dreams have become very vivid, probably due to the increase in oxygen to the brain, which isn’t quite sure what to do with all that O2 so makes mad dreams out of it. One midnight (dead on midnight, which was a bit spooky) I was wide awake and shaking my partner awake to ask if he was alright, not sure why. And he tells me I’m forever kissing his arm in my sleep (probably dreaming it’s a cigarette).
But I do feel so much better when I wake up in the morning now, more refreshed … and, obviously, my mouth no longer feels like a dried out cess pit.
My partner carelessly mentioned that my breath smells ‘sweet’ now. BIG mistake! I’m now breathing into his face every 30 minutes or so to ask what it smells like (being unable to smell it myself). Throughout all of today its been exhale, “Still sweet?”, pause … exhale, “Still sweet?”, pause. He’s taking it very well, but his eyes have glazed over a bit.
Wednesday 5 May
DAY 9
I think I’m reaching the point where I won’t have to record my nicotine cravings on a daily basis any more because all the ‘dramatic’ stuff is over. Someone said to me today, “You’ve not smoked for 9 days now.” I replied, “Its not a matter of not smoking for nine days, I’m now a non-smoker so counting days is irrelevant.” Which it is, if you think about it. I no longer smoke. That’s it. Conversation over.
I’m inordinately pleased with myself, though. The first 7 days were quite difficult (although the foggy first day was an absolute blast - would recommend giving up smoking just for that!). The days have gone quite quickly and suddenly its been 9 days without nicotine or sucking smoke. I can see a time in the not too distant future when I will become ‘As Normal People’, not thinking about cigarettes or smoking any more.
Not mentioned this before (I was ashamed!), but around my third day of not-smoking I was standing at a bus stop with a friend and she was smoking. I tried not to watch, and resisted asking her for a drag (just the one puff!). Kept telling myself I was a non-smoker, that I didn’t need it, that one drag could be my downfall and the nicotine monster would return. Her bus came and she threw her half finished cigarette on the floor. For a split second I vaguely thought about picking it up!!!! Now THAT’S addiction. And THAT’S what I’m striving to escape from.
And I think I’m winning.
Thursday 6 May
DAY 10
Okay, this should be the last entry as I’ve decided I’m over the worst and ‘officially’ a non-smoker now. But one last thing, from a smokers point of view (in case anyone’s interested).
Advertisements on the television about the dangers of smoking don’t work because smokers already know the dangers of smoking, they just choose to ignore them (I actually changed channels when these commercials came on). Ditto the warnings on packets of cigarettes, smokers simply don’t read them. All smokers are in denial, all of them thinking "It'll never happen to me."
Allen Carr, in his book, mentioned that National No Smoking Day was a waste of time. Whilst I agree that smokers generally tend to smoke more on this day (muttering, “Nobody’s going to tell me what to do”), it does put the idea in the smokers head that maybe they ought to think about giving up at some point. It did with me.
I was tired of spending almost £5 a day (and oddly, I’m no better off now I’ve stopped smoking and have no idea how I managed to afford to smoke in the first place). I was also worried about my health now that decrepitude is almost upon me, and fed up that I was tied to smoking all the time (making sure I carried a packet with me at all times, along with several lighters). I guess I just wanted to feel ‘normal’ without the highs and lows of smoking any more. I wanted to be free.
Now that I’ve done it, I can honestly say I feel great. There are instant benefits … breathing easier (no more wheezing), less out of breath when walking/running for the bus, skin looks better, I (hopefully) don’t smell any more, I don’t get that ‘tension’ when a fag break is due, and I feel happier in myself (almost hyperactive, in fact). I just feel better.
I honestly wish I’d done it years ago.
Friday 14 May 2004
UPDATE (Day 18)
From past experience of giving up the dreaded weed, I know that I’m usually okay to begin with as I’m fired with enthusiasm, but then I lose interest as the weeks go by. Not that I’m smoking again (oh no!), but my brain is starting to think ‘Right, that’s it then, you’ve done it now, you’ve proved you can give it up, now celebrate with a fag’. Which, of course, I won’t, but that’s always been my downfall before. I have a list of all my reasons for giving up which I look at when I’m feeling ‘weak’: health, money, emphysema, longer life, no longer addicted, no longer treated like a leper wherever I go, don’t have to stand outside offices in winter any more etc. etc.
It is getting easier physically, although there are some rather strange side effects, such as ‘going to the toilet’ more regularly than EVER before - too much info? Didn’t expect that, but apparently constipation or diahorrea is normal … again, it shows how much smoking affects the whole body.
Another of the physical side effects that has taken me by surprise is that I’m much more ‘energetic’. I have a massive urge to run all the time (I deliberately try to be late for the bus so I’ll have an excuse to run for it - seriously). Its very odd. I’m still mentally tired when I get home from work, but instead of vegging out in front of the tv all night, I’m in the garden manically watering plants that are still recovering from their deluge the previous night, or thinking about washing down the front porch! This is SO not me!
On the downside, I’m eating my way towards a new world record for gluttony. I try not to scoff myself stupid, or at least to scoff fruit, but most of the time only a bacon sandwich or chocolate bar will do. I’m also drinking more alcohol than normal because this seems to help (I no longer have the bad cravings, but I’m still drinking, which is worrying). I know this is bad but, right now, the most important thing is to not smoke any more, everything else (diet, alcoholics anonymous) can wait until I’ve fully recovered from nicotine addiction - maybe two more weeks. I’ve set a date … as from 1st June 2004, I’m cutting down (not giving up!) alcohol, going on a diet and utilising all this new-found energy by exercising more.
Apart from that, I’m doing okay - the odd pang, one or two massive MUST-HAVE-A-FAG! attacks, but they don’t last any longer than 4-5 minutes and its only once or twice a day. I feel very proud of myself. Whenever I see other people smoking I don’t think “Oh, I wish I had a fag,” I think, “Poor buggers, they’re not smoking because they want to, they’re smoking because they have to.” Which is true. They’re addicted and I’m not.
Smug, eh?
Tuesday 18 May
UPDATE (Day ... 22, I think)
Okay, its been over three weeks now, and I’m only counting to remind myself how well I’m doing (as in, “Its been three weeks, you can’t possibly have a fag now!”). I still have the occasional urge every now and again, the feeling of “Mmmmm I’d love a fag” (usually when I wake up in the morning or after I’ve eaten) but it soon passes. I tell myself that if I start smoking now, I'll only have to give up again some time in the future so I might as well do it now.
Strangely, other people smoking doesn’t bother me. When I see someone smoking now I just feel sorry for them (and, okay, I feel a bit bloody smug too because I don’t have to do it any more), but it doesn’t make me want a cigarette. Maybe because, being genetically anosmic [born no sense of smell], I can’t smell it. Drinking alcohol doesn’t dissolve my resolve either, though I’m worried I may be replacing one addiction with another so I’m trying to cut down on the alcohol intake a bit.
Another benefit … energy, and lots of it, and I mean LOTS. Absolutely cannot believe how much vigour I’ve got now. I wake up early in the morning feeling hugely refreshed and positively bounce through the day like some fat fairy on a pogo stick. I still come home from work tired at night, but its a different kind of tired - I can’t wait to get out in the garden to water my plants or wash up or dust, whereas previously I just slobbed, knackered, in front of the television.
My normal Saturday morning routine used to be to get up and lounge on the sofa sorting out my paperwork/laptopping for about three hours, smoking the entire time. Last Saturday I got up at 7am and, because I don’t have to sit down for a fag any more, I washed up after the Friday Night Feeding Frenzy, cleaned the kitchen windows, hung out two loads of washing, dried up, swept kitchen floor, made breakfast, whizzed round with the vacuum downstairs and upstairs, dusted, showered and tidied the bedroom. All before 9.30am. I was hyper! I was literally running from one task to another shrieking, “I can’t stop!” at my wide-eyed (and somewhat alarmed) Partner. It’s great, I love it. When I walk now, I’m a ‘normal’ breathless instead of gasping for air.
I’m almost normal! Imagine that!
Downsides to not smoking? Oh God, the food, the vast consumption of edibles that get stuffed into the mouth! I don’t care what Allen Carr says, you do eat more when you give up smoking and you do gain weight. This didn’t bother me at first because giving up smoking was the ultimate goal (and I pretty much gave myself carte blanche to eat anything as long as I didn't smoke, so I only have myself to blame), but its starting to bug me now because my clothes are getting tighter and, frankly, I feel frumpy. I’m too young to be frumpy so I’m trying really hard to eat more sensibly (I said this at the pub last night - "Must diet and lose weight" - whilst downing a pint of Stella, eating a bowl of roast spuds and going home to a curry!!!!). To compensate, I’m walking everywhere. Whether this will save me from the roast spuds and Stella, I’m not sure, but I’m willing to give it a try before my trousers burst (hopefully not in public). It doesn’t help that everything tastes so nice.
Oh, and there’s one more teensy downside. Giving up smoking affects the whole body, including the digestive system - eating enough for a family of four on an hourly basis probably doesn’t help. I ‘fart’. Repeatedly. Endlessly. Loudly. I am a bubbling cauldron of noxious gasses. My friends are deserting me in droves.
But at least I’m not smoking!
Friday 30 July
I've gone three whole months without cigarettes. I'll just say that again for effect, THREE MONTHS WITHOUT FAGS! I now officially class myself as a non-smoker and I feel bloody great, I really do. I am SO glad I did it (and succeeded!). I really wish I’d done it a long time ago.
Good and bad points (bad points? surely not!). The surges of energy have levelled out now, which is a shame as I quite liked bombing round the house at 120mph doing housework and multi-tasking to within an inch of my life at work. But I’ve taken up cycling! Me! Cycling! I always hated cycling before because of the gasping. Now I can do 20 miles on a pushbike and hardly break into a sweat, hardly get out of breath at all. When I breathe in, I don't have to gasp my way passed all the cigarette deposits in my lungs now. And, of course, this new hobby is helping me to lose the weight I’ve gained, so I’m having fun and I’m getting fit … all because I gave up smoking. Fabulous!
Another bonus is my skin looks so much better, I’ve had people comment on it. Its not being poisoned any more. And I haven’t got premature wrinkles or dried up skin to look forward to any time soon, which is nice.
I have had some dodgy moments over the last three months though. I’ve had to deal with some heavy stuff from Small Son and an incredible run of bad luck with the neighbours (see June Brummie Blogs), and there have been several times when I’ve been so stressed I would have KILLED for a fag. But I resisted. It would have been the easiest thing in the world to use a crisis as an excuse to start smoking again, but I didn’t (and resisting was flipping hard). After one massive argument with Small Son, I went into the garden with a packet of fags (found in a cupboard) and lit one up. I took three drags and felt all light-headed. Immediately appalled at myself, I put the fag out and scrunched the packet into the dustbin. I’d struggled hard to give them up and I liked not smoking, I wasn’t going to start again because of anyone or anything.
There are still odd moments when I think, “I’d love a fag” but its only like when you think, “I’d love a coffee,” or “I’d love some chocolate.” It always passes.
If any of this has helped you to give up smoking, please drop me a line and let me know. If you’re still dithering about giving up, look at this. And this.
So, that’s it then, the end of the diary. Three months ago I gave up smoking, and now I look and feel a damn sight better. I’d thoroughly recommend it.
THINGS THAT HELPED ME GIVE UP
1. I felt it was time to think about giving up smoking. So that's what I did, I thought about it, for a very long time..
2. I set a date. Well, actually, the nurse at my GP's and my attendance at a Smoking Cessation Clinic set a date for me. If I'd have had to set a date myself, I'd still be pithering, so that push helped me make my mind up.
3. I read Allen Carr's 'How to Stop Smoking' book. It really, really, really helped and I can't praise it enough..
4. Allen Carr doesn't recommend using nicotine substitutes (keeps the nicotine monster alive) - so I didn't. Absolutely terrified I would suffer agonies but, surprisingly, I didn't.
5. I stocked up on fruit (the few fruits I liked as I'm not a huge fan of fruit, I prefer green vegetables but you can't sit at your desk at work eating cold sprouts and spring cabbage without losing friends) ... bananas, grapes, cherry tomatoes. Ate at will. (Don't expect to like fruit afterwards!)
6. I surrounded myself with water and sipped whenever I felt the urge - felt like a water balloon and a personal water dispenser chained to my waist would have helped, but sipping worked for me (squelch squelch).
7. Having someone to talk to (my partner) who'd given up smoking helped enormously to alleviate the fears that the cravings would never end.
8. I imagined the nicotine monster inside me, like a parasite, all fat and smug and self satisfied. I wanted him out, evicted, gone. Every time I had a craving, I imagined the monster throwing a tantrum and I pointedly ignored it.
9. I was bloody determined, I fervently didn't want to be a smoker any more (I listed all my reasons: smell, health, yellowing wallpaper, money, wheezing, longer life, being addicted, etc). I just kept repeating, over and over again, I don't want to smoke any more.
10. Once I'd given up, I finally read up on all the dangers of smoking, watched the ads on tv and surfed the internet for useful tips and information. That helps my resolve to never smoke again.
11. I decided to deal with one thing at a time so right from the start I refused to worry about eating too much or putting on weight - I could sort that out later. The most important thing was to give up smoking. All other concerns could could wait. (I didn't use this as an excuse to go on a massive eating binge, though. I tried to be a little sensible, and I didn't overreat until I was 'stuffed' as that made me want a cigarette to 'finish it off'.
12. I feel a hundred times better now than I ever did as a smoker - less sluggish, more enthusiastic about things. I feel I've really achieved something significant. I really wish I'd done it years ago.
Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking
YOU WON'T NEED ANYTHING ELSE
(not patches, not gum, not even that much willpower!)
This is not an advertisement, this is my personal recommendation and I have nothing to gain financially from promoting this book, I just think its great
Give Up Smoking websites that helped
Giving up Smoking (especially) What to Expect
Click to Quit
Give Up
ASH
