PEOPLE: FRET, NICOLA, MARTIN AND CHORLEY
This weekend Fret has driven his parents out of the country leaving him with an empty house (well, not quite empty because he's still in it of course...) and the opportunity to get millions of people to stay over. These millions of people consist of Nic, Martin and Chorley (Fret has also driven many of his mates out of the country with his ginger...erm sorry, 'strawberry blonde' hair). The house is already a shit pile after pizza boxes and beer cans are dispensed on the floor followed by the over-used phrase of "fuck it!". Now then, the plan is to get hammered whilst watching England romp to a 7-0 victory against Mecedonia (who?). But by half time, its 1-0 to the blokes from somewhere in some place we aint never heard of, Martin is feelin sick and Fret is upstairs ironing Nic's skirt. Chorley is merrily shouting random obsenities at the TV even though its just the adverts.
An hour later and things are looking up. The skirt was successfully ironed in a new record time (57 mins and 6 seconds) and England have won 2-1 courtesy of two guys called Rooney and Beckham. A taxi is caught into town and its off to Weatherspoons, home of Fret and Chorley's poison Absynth. Scarily they seem to be coming immune to this stuff as the usual falling about is replaced with calmly standing there commenting on local affairs. But then normality is resumed with the pair bursting into a '1-2-3-4 i declare a thumb war' battle at the bar. Martin is starting to feel better although a little scared after someone has told him Burnley can be a 'little rough'. Nic just sits there starting to have second thoughts about coming on a piss up with 3 lads who can't even fathom out what colour hair each other has (Martin and Fret seem to have swapped colours much to their bemusement). Memories of what else happened in this place are somewhat bleak.
Next its Yates's with their famous Vanilla flavoured beer. The music here is demon and cheesy party animal Martin knows every single dance to every single song. Nothing much happens here apart from dancing and drinking. Oh, and they watch Wales losing 4-0 against Italy. Serves them right for being Welsh.
Before Yates's the group tried to get in Smacks but the bouncers refused to let Nic in just because she has no ID! This does not amuse Fret and he develops a sour taste for bouncers...more on that later. Anyway, a quite genius plan involving them all going in seperately ensures that they all get in successfully at the second attempt. The place is heaving and a couple of jugs of Sangria (yeah, the stuff u usually just drink abroad...but this is Burnley, Europe's answer to Barbados) are bought. Bad idea. We wont go into details here but, trust me, it was a bad idea. Fret spots Greg and his mates who always just stand there, saying and doing absolutely nothing. But, to Fret's absolute amazement, they are standing there...well, saying and doing absolutely nothing. Oh well...he just ignores their intense nothingness and buys everyone some of that weird vodka jelly stuff. They are probably all gonna be pissed before even 10pm but hey, fuck it. Paradise Island next where there's this new bit where you've got to look 21 to get in. But, because Greg is out with others tonight they get in with no problems at all. Its decided that they should probably start drinking less at this point, so everybody buys double vodka and cokes (??). Fret unintentionally throws his all over Nicola. A couple of hugs and kisses and he's out of the doghouse pretty soon. Anyway, as in Smacks where they were drinking sangria, there's an abroad feel to this place coz everyone is sitting beneath palm trees outside. Nobody questions the origin of these seemingly real palm trees and nobody cares about the sub-zero temperatures as they are wearing the famous imaginery coats you acquire when your pissed. Right...its time to go to the best place of all...Walkabout.
The everybody going in seperately plan again works a treat to get into this place. Now, in Walkabout you have two options. You can go to the 'cool' bit upstairs where all the latest dance music is played and you stand by the bar trying to out do each other with tales of your coolness. Or, alternatively, you can stay downstairs where the cheesiest of tunes such as 'Tell Me Ma' are played and make complete asses of yourselves on the stage. Obviously this latter option seems the most fun so they plump for that. And a top time is had by all. All this dancing and million degrees temperatures prompts the lads to unbutton their shirts (no doubt to the delight of all the females present...ahem) and Nic wants to sit on the sofas upstairs. So, a trip to the bar to buy a 'quick drink' as Chorley says - not quite sure what 1 of these is...i mean, does it have wheels or something? - and everybody is on their way upstairs. But by the time they get up there...martin has disappeared. Where could he be? Well, its quite obvious really - still downstairs. But, after two trips each from Fret and Chorley they can't find him. On 1 of his trips, Fret meets 1 of his favourite people in the whole world - a bouncer. "Do up your shirt" he says to which Fret replies "F*ck you, its my shirt ill wear it how i like"...well, that's what he thought anyway...what he actually said to the 12 foot tall, 20 foot wide bloke was "erm, ok". And he pretends to do up the buttons as he walks off. But, the bouncer amazingly doesn't fall for this tactic and chases Fret and grabs him..."Fasten it up while I'm watching"...Hmm, sounds like he's got some gay fettish thinks Fret but nevertheless fastens up his shirt and leaves. But does it stay fastened? I think we all know the answer to that. Anyway, Martin is finally found downstairs talking to random people. Fret makes a dick of himself to a rather attractive girl he recognises from the turf by trying to explain something - duno what tho. Martin by now is hammered, sozzled, spannered and wasted. He walks out of some emergency door u aint sposed to use which then results in Fret trying to take on 3 bouncers, getting thrown out and calling them 'nob heads'. The fear in their faces is quite visible. Anyway, once outside, they need to get home. Martin can't even make it to the taxi place so the taxi has to come to them. Once inside, he tries to get out whilst its moving and demands that the driver stops. He claims that he needs to find an Indian - not a takeaway, an ACTUAL Indian dude. They make it to Fret's where Martin dives into a bush - the toughest bush on earth, leaving him looking a bit of a mess. Once inside, he still wants to find the Indian...so Fret makes him a chicken burger. Now, Chorley is sleeping on the couch, Mart is in Fret's bed while Nic and Fret sleep in the double bed. But, at 5AM Fret gets up and finds Mart asleep on the bathroom floor. After shifting him using a glass of water technique, he's then discovered on the landing in what must be the most uncomfortable position ever - his head kinda facing the opposite way to his body. Anyway, the glass of water comes out again and finally Mart goes to bed.
In the morning he can't remember a thing...but everyone else does - mwahahahaha! I'm running out of space now....