PEOPLE: FRETTERS AND GAZ
A few hours later, after Gem has crawled onto a train and gone home, Fret's best bud Gaz gives him a call about a Manchester Uni open day they are supposed to be going to (Fret seems to have forgotten hes already at uni). After an in depth discussion that involved the phrase "fuck that, i can't be assed goin coz im hungover", they decide that the best solution (to some problem, im sure there was one) was for Gaz to get his sorry ass over to Huddersfield so the two of them could sample the local ale. A fine plan all round they agree.
Gaz arrives in Hudds and its off to Sizzlers so Gaz can finally experience the amazingness that is, well, Sizzlers. And the best kebab shop quite possibly in the whole street is certainly on form today except Fretters forgets he isn't pissed yet and orders some atomic chilli sauce. Not his wisest ever idea.
After Gaz meets the residents of Flat Thirteen and after many toilet visits from Fretters to dispense of the chilli sauce (screams were heard coming from the bathroom), its time to start drinking. Gaz is in absolute awe of The Lord of the Ringpulls: The Two Towers and wants to do his bit by adding to the magnificent strucure and the only way he can do this is to drink lots and lots of cans. Fret doesn't have any particular reason to drink so much, only that he's a piss head. Already the drunkenness is beginning to show before they leave as they go into the freezer and take out a pair of frozen hands. These are plastic gloves that were filled with water then frozen. Genius. Fret thinks it'd be a hilarious idea to scare the shit out of next door by putting one through their letter box. It is promptly returned. The hands are then used to make Gary's swelling ankle feel better after he twisted it whilst watched television earlier. However, due to the lads being pissed already, they forget about the frozen hands and leave them in Fret's room - next to the heater - and then go to the pub.
On arrival at the pub, Fret informs Gaz that he can get a pint of Stella for 90p. Gaz doesn't understand. So, Fret explains that if Gaz was to go up to the bar and order a pint of Stella, he would only have to pay 90p. Gaz still doesn't understand. So, Fret goes up to the bar and does it himself and, sure enough, he only pays 90p. Gaz is stunned and does the same. The Stella is going down very well tonight and after having their arses kicked on the legendary Virtua Tennis, four pints have been downed already. Some girls Fret once met are then ambushed on the pool table and challenged to a game of pool as the lads claim they are 'the best pool players since Ronaldo' - bizzarre. The girls accept and, dispite not even knowing how to hold the cue, they beat the guys convincingly. They dont care though, pointing out that they were in Front Magazine and the girl's weren't.
They then somehow end up in a place called Varcity where three girls decide to declare their love for Gaz but then tell him he's too young. This experience confuses him slightly untill Fret informs him that he really is quite fetching and he shouldn't be surprised. Gaz is then more worried about Fret's comment than the girls. But then he relaxes when he sees Fret chatting up a banister on the stairs and realises it was just the ale talking. Its then time to phone Jamie and leave a really long voicemail. The voicemail can still be heard to this day as Fretters can be heard saying "Gaz wants a word" to which Gaz says "a word it is indeed. And indeed...is a word"
Then, almost as if they keep morphing to different places, they are in a beer garden upstairs even though it is freezing cold. Its ok though, they are wearing their invisible coats (the amazing non-existant coat that appears when you've been drinking heavily and you just aren't cold). Fret then dangerously spots a fire exit that is only supposed to be used in the case of a fire. This gets him thinking and he asks Gaz "i wonder if that door only works when there's a fire?". He then suggests starting a fire and seeing if the door works. Gaz thinks about this for a moment and decides that the best option would be to NOT start a fire and see if the door DOESN'T work. A better idea they agree. Sure enough, much to their amazement, the door works and they end up in someone's back yard (why would a fire escape lead you there? no wonder they never want you to use them, they don't actually go anywhere useful) and after half an hour of pissing about on a washing line, its time to go home.
Some double yellow lines are spotted by the guys. Oh dear. They seem to be under the impression that if they 'fall off' these yellow lines they will die and go to hell. They quickly repent their sins incase this terrible fate happens (this just involves Fret pointing at the sky and goin "oi! god lad! soz for everythin yeah?? gooooood lad!") and start to balance on the lines. Then...disaster strikes. A white van is parked on the lines and they can't possible walk around it because they would fall off. So, the solution is simple really, they just crawl under the van. A horse box is then spotted, much to the delight of Gaz and within minutes they are inside it. They are appauled at the conditions horses are supposed to travel in. There isn't even a playstation 1, never mind a playstation 2. Sickening. But its ok, Fret promises to phone the horse police in the morning.
Then, almost as sudden as a farmer shouting "Dorris, no!!" to a sheep of his, they spot a wall with loads of loose bricks. Fret decides that the funniest idea in the world is to carry home a brick each and leave them outside Jamie's door. But its a very long journey home and the bricks disappear half way home, but their traces remain on the guys' clothes as the bricks were covered in mud.
After Gaz buys a kebab and they both whizz into a river from the bridge, they get a taxi for the last two minutes of the jouney, purely and simply to see if the shortness and pointlessness of the journey will piss off the driver who they christen 'Uhah'. He didn't seem to mind though, probably because Gaz ended up accidently paying a tenner.
They get back into Flat Thirteen to find melted hands all over Fret's room. Fret, still caked in mud, bangs on Jamie's door demanding to let him in (the mud is now all over J's door) so he can sit on the floor and declare his love for his girlfriend. Jamie seems uninterested and is not ammused, but Fret tells him it couldn't wait till the morning. By now, Gaz is in his sleeping bag on the phone to his crying girlfriend (because he's never been so pissed while she was there or summat) so Fret climbs into his bed, which resembles a swimming pool due to the melted hands, and that was that!