| Dealing With A Major Loss
The death of a loved one or close friend is always difficult. Your reactions are influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is sudden or accidental. Your reactions also are influenced by your relationship with the person who died. A child’s death arouses an overwhelming sense of injustice for lost potential, unfulfilled dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may feel responsible for the child’s death, no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may also feel that they have lost a vital part of their own identity. A spouse’s death is very traumatic. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may cause a potential financial crisis if the spouse was the family’s main income source. The death may necessitate major social adjustments requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust to single life and maybe even return to work. Elderly people may be especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means losing a lifetime of shared experiences. At this time, feelings of loneliness may be compounded by the death of close friends. A loss due to suicide or tragedy can be one of the most difficult losses to bear. It may leave the survivors with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. They may even feel responsible for the death. Often, survivors benefit from professional advice to cope with this devastating experience. Seeking counseling as a family unit during the first weeks after the a death is particularly beneficial and advisable. Living With Grief Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope effectively with your pain. Seek out caring people. Find relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses. Express your feelings. Tell others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the grieving process. Take care of your health. Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your grief. Accept that life is for the living. It takes effort to begin to live again in the present and not dwell on the past. Postpone major life changes. Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving, remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. You should give yourself time to adjust to your loss. Be patient. It can take months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed life. Seek outside help when necessary. If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional assistance to help come to terms with your loss and work through your grief. It’s a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help. Helping Others Grieve If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help them through the grieving process. Share the sorrow. Allow them even encourage them to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased. Don’t offer false comfort. It doesn’t help the grieving person when you say "it was for the best" or "you’ll get over it in time." Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen. Offer practical help. Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving. Be patient. Remember that it can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk. Encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone. Helping Children Grieve Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent’s death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often, they are confused about the changes they see taking place around them, particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their surviving parent’s display of grief. Limited understanding and an inability to express feelings puts very young children at a special disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive, invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened. Coping with a child’s grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child’s anxiety and delay recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior. Looking To The Future Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished memories of your loved one. Copyright 1998 - 2000, Michael G. Conner HOME |