- Note — the characters were chosen this way because of similarities in character, function, or setting. They may be dissimilar in other respects.
- Note — if you haven’t read the Lord of the Rings, this will be very confusing.
- Note — this is NOT serious, so please don’t anyone sue me for violation of copyright laws.
All was peaceful in Two Rivers, until one Winternight (I think that this is better than that wind blowing thing, who cares about the wind anyway?). Frodo Baggins and his father Bilbo were taking apple brandy to the inn at Emond’s Field. They were keeping the beer to themselves, so they didn’t bring it.
It was still cold. It should have been spring by now, but it still felt like winter. How they knew this without looking at the Weather Channel, I don’t know, but they did.
A soon as they got there, Frodo’s friend Pippin got there and wanted Frodo to help him with a practical joke. Bilbo caught them, so they were stuck hauling the brandy. Pippin didn’t like hauling stuff, but since it would give him a chance to see Frodo stare at Eowyn, he decided that it was worth it (Frodo always looked like such an idiot when he was staring at Eowyn).
Sam came around and said hello to his friends (but only after he was very sure that they was no more apple brandy to haul).
Gandalf and Strider come and meet the boys, and Gandalf hints that he may have errands for them to run later. Of course, the boys do not know that by “errands” Gandalf means that he wants them to save the world from the evil Sauron (hey, I’m never letting that guy give me any errands to run).
Finally, Gollum the peddler gets to town and starts spreading news about wars all over the places. Everyone enjoys getting fresh news, but having to listen to him rave about his precious and speak in third person gets really annoying. Bilbo takes Gollum into the inn where he and the rest of the town council could make sense of what he was saying (this would have involved figs and mice should he not be quick with the information).
There are rumors that there are strangers in town. Eowyn and Arwen walk in as soon as they are getting really crazy about their theories as to why the strangers are here, so the boys end looking like idiots in front of the prettiest girls in town again. Arwen scolds them for being such idiots, and then goes back into the inn to help the town council interrogate...um…make inquires of Gollum.
Frodo decides that even though he just made an idiot of himself, maybe Eowyn will still dance with him at the festival. He asks her, but as soon as he does Tom Bombadil the Gleeman comes out of the inn (the village council didn’t want him to find out about their interrogation methods, so they kicked him out). Tom does a few tricks to entertain them, and goes back into the inn (he really wants to know what those mice were for).
Bilbo comes out of the inn disappointed. Gollum thought that the mice were delicious, and nothing that they could do would get him stop talking in third person. Frodo hitches up his good pony, Bill, and they head home for the night. When they get home, Bilbo gives Frodo his sword, Sting.
During the night, orcs come and nearly kill Frodo and Bilbo. Bilbo gets part of a Mourgal blade stuck in him, so Frodo makes a stretcher and takes him to Emond’s Field to be healed by Arwen. When he gets there, half of the town has been burned down by orcs. When he does find Arwen, she says that he can’t help so Frodo gets Gandalf to heal Bilbo. Gandalf does this, but says that Frodo and his friends Sam and Pippin have to leave because they are what the orcs want.
Frodo doesn’t really want to leave, but he decides that he has to anyway (noble, isn’t he?) When they are almost ready, Eowyn marches into the stables where they preparing to leave and announces that she is going too. Strider doesn’t like this idea, but Gandalf allows it anyway. Since Eowyn doesn’t have a horse, Frodo gives her Bill to ride. Tom pops out of the hay-loft (I wonder exactly what he was doing there anyway?) and declares that he is going too. This makes Strider angry with Sam, who was supposed to check the hay-loft (I don’t think that Sam would make a very good secret agent), but Tom gets to come anyway. They leave in a big hurry, and Frodo sees strange things flying in the sky. This makes Strider even more tense because it must be some creature of evil sent by Sauron.
They ride for a very long time (complete summary of about 100 RJ pages), stay at an inn and leave when Sauron’s minions start it on fire (p.s. Min and Elayne do not exist, Frodo has no love interest except Eowyn at the moment).
About this time, the boys start having really weird dreams. They decide that it was just bad apple cider and go back to sleep.
After a while, the orcs start chasing them. They fight the orcs a bit, and Pippin starts yelling really weird stuff. Everyone takes this as proof that the apple cider was bad. Anyway, they get chased around some more, but Gandalf is getting tired so they go to some place called Shadar Logoth. Frodo doesn’t think that it is the merriest place but Pippin (who is always looking for a good deal) thinks that he could get some cheap land around there to build a summer house. They all go into one of the broken down houses to get some rest, but the boys leave to help Pippin find a real-estate agent.
They don’t find a real-estate agent, but they do find this old guy that wants them to help him carry some treasure out of the city. The boys decide that this will be too much work, but before they leave Pippin picks up this plain-looking ring.
When they get back, Gandalf is angry with them for leaving. Strider comes back from looking for them and tells everyone that there is a bunch of orcs headed their way. They all leave in a big hurry, and this misty stuff separates them.
Frodo, Pippin, and Tom catch a boat and ride it to Whitebridge (another 50 RJ pages), Sam and Eowyn end up together at the other side of the river and she almost gives him a concussion (what a nice girl she is), and Gandalf, Strider, and Arwen end up together. Arwen decides that she really hates Gandalf, who tells her that she can become a wizard (or whatever) too.
Sam and Eowyn wander around and get lost (because Sam, being the average male, refuses to ask for directions). They run into this weird guy named Radagast that talks to animals. Sam is disturbed when Radagast tells him that he can talk to animals too (well, who wouldn’t be?) and is even more disturbed when he finds out that he is probably right. Eowyn doesn’t particularly care if Radagast thinks that he talks to rocks, and is almost hungry enough to eat one. He feeds them, and they hide from crows (another 25 RJ pages at least). They are attacked by a bunch of bad tempered dwarves because the dwarves think that they are elves. They are not, but the head dwarf insists that he is going to keep them until they confess to being elves and will hang them when they do. Eventually Gandalf, Strider, and Arwen come and rescue them. Then they all head for Caemlyn.
When Frodo, Pippin, and Tom get to Whitebridge they are attacked by a really big orc. Tom gives the boys his flute and harp and goes and fights the orc long enough for them to escape. The boys think that Tom is dead, but only because they aren’t smart enough to figure out that a character like Tom wouldn’t get killed so early in the series.
Frodo and Pippin head for Caemlyn and play the flute and juggle for their supper and beds (because the innkeepers are ignorant of advertising, they haven’t yet put posters around town saying that the Dragon Reborn wanted to stay there so bad he played the flute and entertained the other guests). When they finally get there, they go to an inn that belongs to Barliman Butterbur, a friend of Tom’s. Butterbur may not be very smart, but he was able to figure out that Tom wasn’t dead because no one would kill off an interesting character like him so early in the series.
Frodo meets Quickbeam the Ent in the library, and they have a good time talking. Now Frodo knows that Ents aren’t really a children’s tale after all (you would think that after meeting a wizard and seeing orcs everywhere, he would immediately decide that at least most "children’s tales" contain some fact).
Pippin is starting to get sick and is always fondling that stupid ring for some reason, so Frodo goes exploring. He starts climbing random walls to get a better view of the city and falls into Queen Galadriel’s garden. Since Elayne does not exist (I didn’t like her anyway, she always holds her nose up so high you can’t blame birds for roosting there), Faramir finds him instead. Frodo likes him (at the moment he doesn’t know that Faramir will steal his girlfriend), but soldiers come and they both have to go to the Queen. Lord Elrond and Wormtongue are there with the Queen, and they both think that Frodo should be locked up. Galadriel, however, decides to let him go but not before Wormtongue says some very disturbing things about him.
Frodo hurries back to the inn, and he finds everyone waiting for him. By now Pippin is very sick, and Arwen can’t heal him so Gandalf does to some extent. Strider tells them that the orcs are preparing to come into the city to get them or ambush them on their way out. Gandalf gets an idea and asks Quickbeam to lead them through the Paths of the Dead to Fal Dara. Quickbeam doesn’t like the idea, but he agrees to do it. They go really early in the morning to the gate to the Paths of the Dead, and they enter and ride for a long time. When they are almost there, Frodo hears screaming ghosts (duh, why do they call it the Paths of the Dead?). This scares everyone, and they ride their horses to the exit. The exit turns out to be locked, so Gandalf has to break the door down with fire (good thing for them that this wasn’t like in The Lord of the Rings when he had to solve a riddle to open the door).
They all get out just in time (as usual in stories like this, it wouldn’t be nearly so interesting if they got out with plenty of time to spare) and then start riding to Fal Dara. They get there and meet Boromir who tells them that there is a battle with the orcs coming soon (they never get away from those pesky orcs, do they?). Boromir takes them to the lord of the city, Theoden, and they tell him that they are going to the Blight to meet Treebeard the Green Man. Theoden would rather have them fight with his army, but Gandalf makes it clear that Sauron is planning to try to get loose and that they have to stop him. Theoden admits that this is an acceptable use of their time (I wonder how they could do anything more important with it than that?) and makes no more of it.
The next morning, they travel to the Blight. They camp out for the night, and after Pippin sees the monster in the lake he decides that it is a good idea to camp above it a good ways (I can just feel his intelligence level increasing).
That night, it becomes obvious to Frodo that Arwen and Strider are in love, but he has his duty and feels that she deserves more than he can give her. She thinks that that is a bunch of baloney, but that doesn’t change anything. Frodo has forgotten all about this by the time they start out again the next day.
It goes well...until Shelob shows up. Shelob happens to be pretty hungry, and she chases them a long ways. She gets closer and closer…but then all of the sudden, they are in Treebeard’s garden. He keeps all of Sauron’s creatures out, so Shelob can’t get in. Treebeard makes some nice flower wreaths for the girls’ hair (awww, wasn’t that sweet of him?) and shows them the way to the Eye of the World. They go in and look at it (I wonder what that really accomplished anyway?) and when they go out, there are two Nazgul there. Treebeard kills one of them by turning him into a chia pet and dies himself. Gandalf tries to fight the other one, and Eowyn tries to help him (yep, she has more courage than brains…A LOT more). Frodo recognizes what she is doing, and tells her to run and starts throwing rocks at the Nazgul (on second thought, Frodo here is even worse than she is). The Nazgul follows Frodo, but Frodo sees the power source that the Nazgul is using and decides to plug in. This makes the Nazgul really mad, but that doesn’t really matter anymore because Frodo uses that power to kill it.
Frodo now feels all-powerful, and he finds himself on a battlefield with Theoden’s men and a bunch of orcs. He pounds the ground and makes it swallow the orcs (talk about indigestion!) and saves Theoden’s army. Frodo now goes someplace in the sky or something, and there he meets the Witch-king Nazgul that he kept seeing in dreams the whole time (maybe it wasn’t just bad apple cider…). The Witch-king offers to teach Frodo how to use this power (all we need now is an “I am your father” line), but Frodo heroically hacks at the power source the Witch-king is using and severs him from it. The Nazgul makes the characteristic this-can’t-be-happening scream, and Frodo finds himself back in Treebeard’s garden.
Pippin, Sam, Quickbeam, and Strider come back with a broken seal to Sauron’s prison and a horn. This horn will later become Pippins favorite musical instrument, but that is for a later story.
They get back to Fal Dara without any problems, and the entire city is celebrating victory over the orcs. Lord Theoden is confused about the whole thing (exactly how often does the earth open up and swallow up armies?), but he is happy. He especially likes the horn that they brought back, but Gandalf insists on not playing it just yet.
They stay in Fal Dara for a long time, and Strider teaches Frodo how to use his sword. Frodo thinks that he has to go away where there are no people (channeling hobbits aren’t safe), and Eowyn doesn’t like this idea.
The book ends with Gandalf eavesdropping on them (he is a stinker, isn’t he?) and whispering that the Dragon has been reborn.