GEORDIE'S ADVICE Well hello again footy fans - it is good to be back with some words of wisdom to help you along the long and tricky road to sporting success and in a Zen like way life it self.  Fire away.... Q: I am a sports fanatic and love my beer, but I have been cursed with a troublesome missus.  Every time I suggest we change the channel to footy I am met with a grimace and four days silence, and if i go to the pub to watch it...well, I have to spend the next six night asleep with my eyes open in case I get the Bobbit treatment  What can I do in these difficult circumstances? A: Yes the 'troublesome missus syndrome' has been the downfall of many a budding star.  It is a difficult one as the strength and support of a caring and trusting relationship can help a sportstar achieve great things.  But lets keep an eye on what this means.  But this takes the shape of cooking home made scotch Pies (see last weeks nutritional advice), regular Thia style sports massages (just like the ones I get from Madam Strict at her exclusive London Clinic), bringing you beers while you watch the football, and applying any cream your arse grapes may require.  Now that what support and trust are all about!.  I suggest you have not researched this matter properly and made a rod for your own back by behaving like a soft git when you first met - cuddling at night, being home on time, with flowers, and all that - a disaster in the making.  However, all is not lost, but the measures will have to be extreme and costly.  It's all in the psychology.  Everytime you get that 'not a hope in hell' look after you mention football, simply instantly pick a small but incredibly complex DIY project, such as rewiring, laying a patio, or buidlind a conservatory, and set about making the biggest and noisiest mess you can but only for the duration of the match.  Then down tools and do not do anything more until the next match is on.  Slowly but surely, and several bank loans to get professionals in to finish all of the project you have made a balls of, her delight at you taking an interest in the house will turn to sheer dread, as the reality of her not being able to afford £200 bottles of conditioner sinks in.  Before you know it you will be watching every game on TV and she will have even got cable in for you.  For all those not yet in this sorrowful position then remeber prevention is the best cure. Q:  The price of football boots is getting ridiculous.  I am only on a low income (what I can generate from regular attendence at car boot sales) and am finding it difficult to be able to justify the extortionate cost of a good pair of boots.  There are cheap ones, but I am frightened that I will end up buying anew pair every month.  Do you really get what you pay for? A:  Hobbies and sports can be expensive and the real quality of what you pay for has been debated for years.  If you buy expensive then if things do go tits up then you would probably have  legitimate cause for complaint - which suggests that the top names majke their cheaper goods deliberately inferior??  A tricky one!   It's all about getting the most benefits for you money.  Take for example those ponsy preditors that they are all wearing - they cost as much a cheap package holiday and make you look like a twat!  What can they offer - well thay claim to be able to increase ball swerve by 8%, which may benefit a player of my ability, but 8% of zero is worth f@*k all of anything.  Relax there is an answer - the steel toe capped pit boot!  The Miner's Special as they are known.  For a twenty quid investment you will never have to buy another pair of boots.  They provide toe protection and valuable ankle support.  They increase your spead and you will suddenly find that none of the opposition can get close enough to make a good tackle - it will almost as if they are backing away from you.  I have had this chat with the CEO of Adidas, and I can gauarantee these will be a lot more expensive next year when they are splashed all over Match of the Day.  If you are a real label man then simply tipex three white stripes on the side and no one need be the wiser.  Get yourself a pair of 'steely's' and enjoy a lifetimes football. Q:  I am 18 years old and have just joined a new team, but thay are all hardened drinkers and smoker and I want to fit in.  Is there a quick way to catch up? A:  It's a pleasure to hear such enthusiasm and yes my friend there is a way.  Park your car in a garage and feed a hose pipe from the exhaust through you drivers window, blocking the gaps with towels.  Take with you a bottle of whiskey (anything 40% alcoholic volume) and an alarm clock.  Turn on the car and start drinking away with the radio on.  As the hemoglobin in the human body absorbes carbon monoxide ten times easier than oxygen, you will be building up those tolerances in no time, and a simple two dozen fags woll be a doddle.  Simply build up your tolerance by lengthening the time you allow yourself before the alarm goes.  Step up in half hour increments daily, and before you know it you will be drinking for England and be capable of walking through a house fire. I thought I would sign off this week with a little feedback from the viewer's who have benefitted from my solid advice.  Below I have enclosed a  note  from Geordie's postbag. Dear Goerdie I cannot thank you enough for last weeks advice.  I my Sunday morning game my knee was snapped, but fortunately I had visited your oasis of knowledge the night before and knew exaxtly what had to be done.  I simply got the manager to rub in a load of ralgex and strap me leg to a slightly bent branch, and headed to the pub early to assess the real damage, without even giving the 'footyphobic' doctors a sniff.  It was exactly as you suggested - by the time the premiership had finished I was up and about and jogging on the spot.  After a good nights rest there was a little initial stiffness, but by the Wednesday my leg had turned black below the knee and there is no pain what so ever - result.  Also my leg is now shorter than the other which hs adapted me perfectly to playing on the wings as all of the pitches we play on slope.  Thanks again. H. Ruckshaw Marlow Take it easy readers and I'll be back as soon as I can with more solid advive - and remember keep those bodies in tip top temple shape!!