Fabian Barthez                  3 The Man Utd goalkeeper has a fully bald scalp and a seriously questionable tash. Added to this he is French and would certainly smell of garlic and speak English is that femine way that all French people do. Has also let some goals in this season.     Ade Smith                         7 Faultless in Goal this season.  Did however wimp out in the Scum and then decide to rest up for two weeks. Gary Neville                      6 Has been asked to play out of position fr much of the season.  Other than being Beckhams best man has never done anything interesting. Liam Nicholson                  5 Like Gary has played all over the park but his decision not to hold a summer bar-b-que must weigh against him. Jaap Stam                        8 Foreign power house in defence.  Not many defenders have got past him but he does not posses the defenders key skill of the "hoof" in his game. Lee Martin                        8 Continues to lead the way on the disciplinary front with one sending off this season. Just one penalty has been awarded against him.  That said he is the master of the "hoof". Wes Brown                      9 Back from injury and into the England squad.  Has impressed all observers and has given opposition fans no reason to detest him yet. Toby Pullen                     9 An all action player who could pop up anythere from lethal goalscorer to composed goalkeeper.  Has reserved his best performances for the centre of the defence. Phil Neville                     1 Clumsy oaf who cost us Euro 2000 Craig Flockton               5 Confuses himself as to what position he's playing in.  Prone to; pick pockets, car accidents and purchasing Armani's.  Never fails in a penalty situation. Ryan Giggs                   8 Welsh and in most senses that would make him irrelavant.  Has however been caught up in New of the World kiss and tell stories in the past so has given us all a good laugh as well as leaving us jealous about the birds he pulls. Andy Williams                 1 He's ginger and can't score. Roy Keane                   7 Opininated Irishman who slags off Man U supporters but fails to score. Geordie Steve                 8 A man mountain of a player in control of the midfield.  Unfortunately his accent is unintellegable and he can't score either. Probably will never be trusted with taking a penalty again. Paul Scholes                 7 Ginger topped player who saves his best performances for England. Nick Khanna                 6 In his last season and looking to attain his secretary badge.  Typing has vastly improved. David Beckham           0 Has a girly voice and cost us the world cup. Liam "Scissors" Williams    7 Skilled enough to perform many Beckham replica freekicks. No sorry should read "replica haircuts". Teddy Sheringham            6 Its a battle of the ego's. Teddy is as smug as they come but gets the ball in the back of the net. Clint White                        6 If you want ego Clint's is as big as they come and he's also the leading goalscorer.  Too close to call. Andy Cole                        8 Will miss most chances presented to him but still gets his name on the score sheet most weeks.  Anaylsts are still trying to fathom out this phenoma. Ross Barnard                      2 Available for too many teams this season hence rarely features on the pitch.  Also he has the sort of tash that only the French lad would respect. GRAND TOTAL MANCHESTER UNITED                63 WHITE HART                                  64 PROOF IF EVER YOU NEEDED IT THAT THE WHITE HART ARE BETTER THAN MAN UTD.  AND REMEMBER THIS REVIEWED HAS BEEN COMPILED BY EXPERTS.