"We had a guy in here last night who thought loading the dishwasher meant getting his wife drunk."
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
"If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question."
"Nothing is foolproof to a well-armed fool."
"I passed a 'Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall' and was struck with the thought that that is where they make them."
"You have the attention span of a gerbil."
--Blair, The Sentinel
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
"A friend is someone who will help you move; a good friend is someone who will help you move a body."
"Teamwork is essential--it gives the enemy other people to shoot at."
"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant."
"Who you calling dishwasher? I dry, he washes."
--Carlos, Sons of Thunder
"He's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt."
"I don't understand anything you said, but I'll defend to the death your right to confuse me."
"You look like a deranged housewife from one of the square states."
--Jack, Will & Grace
"I'm afraid of your saliva. I just rented Outbreak."
--Dennis, Just Shoot Me
"True friends, like ivy and the wall, both stand together, and together fall."
"Traffic light: apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches."
"I think his cheese slid off his cracker."
--Sheriff, The Green Mile
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do."
"Nothing is certain in this life but death, taxes and crooked politicians."
"Don't look at me. I ain't bitin' no more butts."
"Besides, what could happen in one night?"
--Simon, The Sentinel