Rating: G
Category: Holiday Challenge
Series: Nope
Warnings: Some silliness. No wildlife was harmed in the making of this fic.
Notes: This is a response to the 1999 Christmas Challenge issued on Cascade Times. The story had to include: an explosion; a cow bell; a shoe horn; a piano; a model airplane; jar of black olives; a jelly fish; a sled with a pig on it; Hermie the Elf; a Christmas tree with red&green chili pepper lights; a train going around a Christmas tree; presents for everyone.
**********
"Come on, Jim. The outfit's not that bad."
"I feel like an idiot."
Blair craned his neck from his position on the couch, watching the older man descend the steps from his bedroom. Although Jim's attire was identical to his own, the curly-haired man couldn't help but laugh. Decked out in red sweat pants, a green turtleneck and a sparkly white vest, Jim looked as uncomfortable as a mouse at a cat conference. All that was missing were the elfin hat and pointed shoes.
"Don't say a word, Sandburg."
"I didn't say a thing, Jim," Blair said, turning his attention back to the television, singing along. "Why am I such a misfit...."
"Beg pardon?" Jim called from the kitchen. He leaned against the center pillar, sipping a mug of coffee. "What are you watching?"
"Rudolph's Christmas Special."
"And you're singing along with an elf?"
"It's Hermie, Jim. Remember the elf that wanted to be a dentist?"
Jim frowned. "I thought it was Herby."
Blair grinned wickedly. "Big, bad Ellison is admitting to having seen this before?"
"I was a kid once, you know," Jim groused. "But seriously, I thought it was Herby."
"Nope." Blair shook his head, emphatically. "Hermie."
"Whatever, Chief." Jim downed the rest of his coffee and rinsed the mug in the sink. "Grab the gifts, will you? We're going to be late."
Blair hopped off the couch and snagged two brightly-wrapped packages from under the tree. They were for the gift exchange that would take place after the parade. This year was Major Crime's turn to present the departmental "Santa Float" for Cascade's forty-seventh annual Christmas parade. Everyone Simon could get had been roped into helping. Jim and Blair had volunteered to dress as elves and walk beside the float, handing out candy to children.
"Do you think Megan'll appreciate the boxing kangaroo toy you got for her?" Blair asked.
Jim sniggered. "Probably get a good laugh out of it, like Rafe and the shoe horn you got for him."
"Simon never said they had to be serious gifts. He just said under ten dollars."
"Let's go, Chief," Jim said, holding the door open for his roommate.
Blair turned, tripping slightly over his over-sized elfin shoes. He tucked the gifts under one arm and put on his red and green cap, chestnut curls spraying out from under it. Making his way to the door, Blair spied Jim's sneaker-clad feet. "Um, Jim? Where are your shoes?"
Jim snatched a bag off the floor and held it up. "In here. I am *not* wearing them while driving, getting my feet tangled on the gas pedal and rear-ending someone. That would be way too embarrassing to explain."
Laughing lightly, Blair patted his partner on the shoulder. "But the look on your face would be priceless." Blair zipped out the door, ducking a swat from Jim and laughing all the way down to the truck.
**********
The south end of Duncan Street was a bustle of activity. Floats, bands, dancers, clowns, horses, old cars--all milled about amidst a cacophony of lights, sounds and smells. The combination was threatening to give Jim a headache. He'd parked the truck two blocks away from the start of the parade route that would take them from Duncan to Ash to Pender, right past Central Precinct. From there, the parade would wind over to Lincoln Boulevard and stop at the north end of Crenshaw Street. All in all, they would cover about three and a half miles of the city.
Pendleton Academy's marching band set off, playing a jazzy version of "O Holy Night." Miss Cascade was settling into an oversized sled with...a pig?
Jim threw Blair a baleful look.
Blair just shrugged. "Don't question it, man."
"Jim! Hairboy!"
The partners turned toward the summons. Henri Brown was waving furiously from the far end of the block. They pushed through the crowds of parade participants, making their way to the CPD float.
Set up on a large trailer, two-thirds of the float was a living room scene. A piano was set against the back wall; opposite it was a fireplace, complete with fake flames and four stockings. A Christmas tree sat in the center, a model train set running around a pile of presents. A sleigh was settled above the piano, on a platform a good ten feet from the street. Henri and Joel, clad in outfits identical to theirs, were leaning against the float.
Jim paused a moment to slip the pointed shoes over his sneakers, then caught up with Blair as he neared the float.
"Hey, H, Joel," Jim said, scanning the immediate area. "Is everyone here?"
Joel nodded. "They're probably around the other side. Simon's having trouble with the Santa suit."
Blair climbed onto the float and deposited the gifts under the already packed tree. One of the decorations caught his eye. "Guys? Are these chili peppers?"
Henri glanced at the red and green string lights and laughed. "Yeah. It was Daryl's idea. His mom brought them back from her trip to New Mexico last spring."
"Cute," Jim commented, snagging an elf hat and candy sack off the float. He grabbed the other set and tossed them to Blair as the young man hopped off the float. "No snacking, Chief. It's for the kids."
"That's funny, Jim," Blair said, seriously. "Extremely."
Megan appeared on the other side of the float, Rafe and two children in tow. Rafe climbed on the float first, welcoming the new arrivals over his shoulder as he helped the girl and boy up. Megan leapt up on her own steam.
"Sandy, Jim," Megan called, settling next to the Christmas tree with Detective Dills' kids. "Merry Christmas! You boys look smashing in those shoes."
Jim flushed slightly, but Blair twirled around, modeling the pointed red shoes. That seemed to spark something in the younger man. "Hey, Megan? Ever seen the Rudolph special on TV?"
"A time or two, why?"
"The elf's name is Hermie, right?"
Her response was cut off by Joel saying, "I thought it was Herby."
"That's what I said," Jim piped up.
"It's Hermie," a tiny voice said. Dills' son Christopher had spoken from his place by the tree, his model airplane frozen in mid-air. "I just saw it last night."
The boy immediately returned to his plane, the collective attention of the six adults making him duck his head shyly.
"Guess that settles it," Blair said, not bothering to hide his truimphant grin.
Rafe settled himself at the piano, warming up with a snappy rendition of "Jingle Bells." Christopher and his sister Ann hummed along. Henri and Joel walked to the other side of the float. There were only a few more participants before Santa rode out. Speaking of whom, Simon Banks was carefully climbing up into the sleigh. The extra padding inside the Santa suit made the tall captain look a bit like Taggart three years ago.
Jim watched the last few floats begin their trip down the parade route. He frowned at a light-decorated sewage truck. He'd never be able to understand why *every* city service had to be represented.
"Now tell me that's not strange," Blair muttered by his shoulder. The young man pointed at a seven-foot plaster replica of a jar, decorated with garland and false snow. The bright yellow label said McCorrin Black Olives.
"That's strange," Jim agreed.
Blair let out a low whistle, his eyes widening. "Now that I like."
Jim's eyes followed the pointing finger. The third to last float was a beach scene, representing Beachman's Tanning Salon. Four models in red and green bikinis were trying hard to smile through chattering teeth.
"Man, I wish I had a jellyfish," Blair said, his blue orbs transfixed until the float turned a corner and was gone.
Jim quirked an eyebrow. "Dare I ask, Romeo?"
Blair gave him a wicked grin. "Then I could rub them all over with meat tenderizer."
The Sentinel groaned. "Do me a favor and try to knock off the table leg thing until the parade's over."
"Hardy-har."
"Santa's float!" an organizer shouted.
The squad car, decorated and attached to the CPD's float, started up and moved forward at idling speed. Jim and Blair walked beside it on the right, Henri and Joel on the left. Warmed up now, Rafe began to play "Deck the Halls." The float inched forward and made a right onto the beginning of the parade route.
Jim opened the candy sack and began handing mini candy canes and foil-wrapped chocolates to any child he saw. He soon found himself humming along with the piano music, his heart lightened by each smile that lit up a little boy or girl's face when they got their treat and saw Santa. He was really enjoying this. By the silly grin on Blair's face, his young partner was having as much fun as he was. Jim was confident the night would turn out flawlessly. When he looked up to see where they were, he realized they'd barely walked half a mile...and his candy bag was already significantly lighter.
//Kafroom!//
It was a muffled explosion that no one else seemed to hear, but it crept into the Sentinel's sensitive ears. Jim stopped dead in his tracks, causing Blair to crash into him from behind.
"Jim? What's the matter?"
Jim continued to walk, but let his hearing go, trying to locate the source of the sound. "Something exploded," he replied.
"What?" Blair hissed, momentarily forgetting his candy duties. "Where?"
Ignoring his Guide's questioning, Jim heard other things: creaking metal; the clink of jewelry; whispering voices. There was a robbery in progress less than a block away. Jim yanked off his hat and tossed it and his candy bag onto the float. Pushing through the crowd, he took off down East Prince Avenue. He followed the voices down the quiet street, stopping in front of Burton's Jewelers.
The front sign said Closed, but all of the store lights were on. Voices were coming from the back of the store, behind a velvet curtain.
<"Is that all?"> an impatient man asked.
Another voice, frightened and gravelly, replied. <"Yes, you have everything.">
"What's going on?" Blair hissed in his ear.
Jim started, unaware that his Guide had followed. "Shouldn't you be handing out candy?"
"What and miss all the fun?"
Grinning, Jim bent down and retrieved his back-up .38 from his ankle holster, glad he'd had the foresight to bring it. He turned the knob slowly, careful to not jostle the decorative cow bell hanging on the inside handle. With one hand propping the door, Jim tossed his cell phone to Blair.
"Call the--"
"--station for back-up," Blair finished. "I know."
Jim nodded and crept in, listening to three heartbeats in the back room. There was one civilian and one thief that he was sure of. The third party hadn't spoken yet, although the heartbeat was faint and extremely rapid--they could be injured.
The thief spoke again. "All right, old man. Lay down and put your...y-y-achoo!"
Mreer!
Scrash!
Thud!
Jim burst through the velvet curtain separating the rooms, stopping in mid-step. He blinked, a smile cracking the corners of his mouth. Soon mirth won over and he laughed out loud. The other man, startled by the sudden appearance of a colorfully dressed, gun-wielding man in pointy shoes, jerked back. Jim flashed his ever-present badge at the man, calming his fears. Soon, the older gentleman's guffaws mixing with Jim's.
"Jim?" Blair's anxious voice asked. The curly-haired man appeared through the curtain. He took one look at the image before him and joined the other men in laughter.
The perp, dressed in standard black sweats and a woman's stocking with several runners in it, was sprawled under a small Christmas tree. The angel had fallen from the top and now hung precariously, seeming to point accusingly at the downed felon with her moving candle. A Persian cat was sitting nearby, cleaning her paws and swishing her thick tail in the unconscious man's face.
The store clerk quickly explained that after the perp blew the safe (he was only an assistant and didn't know the combination), the thief's violent sneeze had caused him to take a step backward. He subsequently stamped on Felicity the Cat's tail. Startled by her yowl, the perp stumbled into the tree and fell over, banging his head on a filing cabinet on the way down.
Back-up arrived less than five minutes later, taking the would-be thief into custody. After agreeing to come in the next day to give their official statements, Jim and Blair left the jewelry shop, intent on catching up to the slow-moving parade. Setting off at a jog, they took several short cuts through the city, finally meeting up with the float with less than a mile to go on the route.
The wayward elves slipped their hats back on and retrieved their candy bags, returning to the job of passing out sweets and ignoring the curious looks of their co-workers. Rafe's carol of choice was now "Silent Night."
"Yeah, right," Jim muttered, tossing a candy cane to a small boy at the back of the crowd. "Not in Cascade."
~end~
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