Goodmorning

I just woke up (10:30AM) and finished my first cigaret, I'm sitting here thinking about my website and the things I still have to do:

• Take a shower
• Go to the store to:
  • buy catfood
  • bread
  • potatoes
  • cheese
  • ham (dont really know what to call it in english lol)
  • frikandellen (I guess there is no english word for this, it's a dutch snack)
• Work on my website:
  • this Blog has to be linked
  • I fucked up my index page when I tried to change my layout (thinking about downloading it from my own site again because the screw-up hasnt happened there yet)
  • How to adjust this Blog tith links, a respond function, etc.
  • how to create an email notification option
  • setup a PHBB forum (because it should be possible here, lycos supports PHBB)
• My life:
  • Is this the way I want to live?
  • Am I ever going to get my life back?
  • How will things work out from this point?
  • Why.... lots of why's
  • What would christmas be like this year??

  Well for you to understand why I ask myself these questions, I have some explaining to do:

1. This absolutely isn't the way I want to live my life, because I'm living day by day, no job, very few or you might say no social contact. I haven't got a biorythme, neglect my house, my family, friends, obligations.... So basically I just eat sleep, drink, surf the web, watch tv etc.

• I dont live my life the way I used to because I happen to have some kind of "burn-out" as the professionals would say. It probably comes with the territory i guess... I dont like it one single bit, but all is so fucking double (2ways of approach):
  • If I want to work, why am I still sitting here, I Get your ass up and go find a job you lame-ass
  • The fear of failure, I'm doing much better now then 5months ago (yup I'm sitting home doing NOTHING that long..... And I absolutely aint proud of that in whatever way; but it simply are the facts.
    • Fair of failure is there because I'm atleast 5years now trying my best to break a vicious circle... This vicious circle mainly feeds on screwing up things, or things screwing up themselves. Very often these "Things" are uncontrolable, and I am a controlfreak, a fighter, I fight against destiny or whatever would you like to call it.. Fighting myself is what I been doing all my life I guess, just simply surpressing myself... I wrote a poem about that subject.... which I will share with you right now; I know I wrote it a couple of years ago, but it still rests inside me, it still influences my life, it kinda controls me, holds me back in some way from living....

    The exposure of myself to publicity

I lay on my bed with a pen in my hand,

I'm thinking again why I can't understand.

Why is it always me,

Trying to make clear we are free?

I don't know much about school,

but that doesn't mean I'm a fool.

I always make fun,

it might sound strange, but I worship the sun.

No one would think I really study the life that I live,

so I can cherish all the love I can give.

All I want to make clear,

I want to help other people, I really care.

I never thought this way, I allways acted like I was tough,

I'm tired of that, I've acted enough.

I read in books, I want to learn,

I want to have the wisdom, which I have to earn.

I know some people, they come to me,

they tell me half stories, the other half they won't let me see.

I don't need to hear the whole story, I actually don't care,

I just do the person a favour, by being a listening ear.

I tell them as much as I know,

then they become honest to me, with the truth as pure as snow.

Nobody new me, not even myself,

that I didnt like no more, I put it on a shelf.

I always learn faster, it might sound insane,

I'm writing in english, it eases the pain.

I'm dreaming of people, they are speaking to me,

they tell me the answers, I first couldn't see.

They show me some places, I've never been before,

but I know what it means, that's for sure.

I have to help people on this earth,

that's what I remember, it's predestined by birth.

I think I'll succeed, I'll pass for the test,

I see it like a contest, I'm trying my best.

I have a religion, it believes in the positieve energy,

by believing in that, I found me...

You come in my room, you won't believe what you see,

it would all be so clear then, you would completely understand me.

I'm very serious, no one dare to say,

but maybe their opinion changes, by writing this way.

I hope I was clear,

these were the emotions I feared, I didn't dare to share....

Written by Dave Muyen "somewhere in '98"

Well that was the poem.... still tears come up when writing it and sometimes even when reading... 3years ago, almost 4.. But I assure you that I really have made progress. I've started writing from when I was fifteen or sixteen. It all kinda happened "on it's own" I have many more writings etc. but some of them, or actually most of them are in dutch. Keeping in mind that Dutch people will check out this place too, I guess I might as well post in dutch also..... Another option might be, creating a dutch blog, an english blog, and a mixed one lol but that ould be meaning trice as much wch work, and that cannot be the idea... Most of my dutch writings can be found in my MSN group (the spiritual writings) AND on my website ofcourse, but probably you reached this spot from this place...

Well this was my first serious post in my new weblog, but I kinda like it allready, its fast, it's easy, it's well organised and archived.... it's BLOGGER hehe :P

Well people lemme say C-ya, but I guess I'll be posting several times a day, this is gonna become my Book Of Shadows, open and public, accessible to all, it's time to Re-member, Re-unite, Re-cognize...

Walk in Honor, Beauty, and Truth, Peace, Love and Light

Mitukaye Oyasin, Ona WhiteWakanWolf (All is Related, till we meet again; wakan is Sacred, and whitewolf stands for arctic wolf and the arctic wolf is my powertotem in the native believes.... That's where my nickname "Wolfie" comes from, so now you know ;)

well C-ya now I really gonna post this message and make a big fat link on my homepage... ;)