alisa

          Alisa’s Book of Shadows

Okay, time for another entry in my “Book of Shadows.” I feel kind of silly calling this wire –bound notebook by such an imposing –sounding name. “Book of Shadows” is suppose to be for spells and chants and stuff like that –and I don’t know any. Still, both Hunter and Sky think we should keep one, and everyone else in Kithic seems to do it. So I got one. Which means that I have a special place to share my “wonderful” news.
    Dad is marrying Hilary. She’s pregnant. And moving in with us in a few weeks.
I tried really hard to act happy for dad, but he didn’t ask me how I felt about it. So I guess he didn’t really want to know.
    As I write this, my mother’s picture is looking at me from my dresser across the room. I wonder what she would think of all this. I honestly have no idea –I barely knew her. She died when I was three. I like to think that she’d be glad my father is happy with someone new. I like to think that she was a nicer person than I am.
Hilary is coming over later. I’m glad I won’t be around. I’m going to a circle. I have to admit that when Bree first asked if I wanted to join Kithic, I wasn’t so sure that it was a good idea. But at the very first circle we held hands and Sky taught us how to feel each other’s energy. It was truly magickal, the kind of experience you can’t put into words. I felt myself opening up like a flower. That’s the best thing about the coven. In a weird way –I don’t understand it myself –it’s almost like coming home.
    Bree just called to tell me she’s going to be about ten minutes late to pick me up. She’s giving Morgan a ride, too. I know it’s dumb, but Morgan makes me uncomfortable. She has magickal powers. Of course, everyone else in the coven thinks it’s incredibly cool. One time she made flowers appear out of thin air. I had to look around at everyone else and tell myself, “it’s all right. Nobody else is scared.” Then I focused on my breathing to calm myself.
   I know that magick is a part of Wicca, and the smaller spells –using herbs and oils to heal, channeling your energy toward something you want to achieve –those seem beautiful to me, but Morgan’s magick is different. It feels dangerous, out of control. And even her own sister is afraid of it.
   But that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t drive to a circle with Morgan or even that she isn’t a nice person.
Right?
     -Alisa

Morgan lost it last night. I don’t know if she went crazy or if her powers short-circuited or something, but things started flying around the room and exploding, and it scared the holy crap out of me.
Now I don’t know what to do. The circle started off really well. I don’t know much about Wicca, but there’s something about it that feels almost like a tune I only half remember from my childhood. The words are long forgotten, but if I try hard enough, I’ll remember the melody, and everything will fall into place.
   That was the way I felt last night… for a while. Morgan’s magick feels like something else. I’m afraid of it in the way I used to be afraid of leaving my closet door open when I was five years old.
   I wish she’d just leave the coven. Then Mary K would feel better and I wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore.
   -Alisa

I tried to talk to Morgan today. I told her that I was uncomfortable with some of the magick being used in Kithic. So, naturally, Morgan said, “Oh, Alisa, thank you so much for telling me. I’m sure that if you’re uneasy, others in the coven must be, too. I’ll be sure to tone down my freakish witch powers so that we can all enjoy the simple, quiet magick of Wicca together without unleashing dark forces of the underworld over which we have no control.”
Yeah, right. Actually, what she said was more like, “Whatever. Too bad for you.”
So now I’ve said that I’m leaving Kithic. There’s only one problem. That means I actually have to leave Kithic There’s a nursery rhyme that keeps repeating in my mind. I think my mom must have said it to me when I was little: “No beginning or end to hearth, home, or friend.” It’s about belonging.
I feel like I belong in Kithic. But Morgan doesn’t care. I wonder if the other people in Kithic have really thought about what Morgan is doing. I mean, her powers are amazing. I guess it’s possible that everyone is so wrapped up in the mystique that they haven’t really bothered to think about what she’s doing or where it might lead. Or maybe they have, but they just cover up better than I do.
   It’s not that I think Morgan is evil. I just don’t think she realizes how dangerous she is. Maybe I should write a letter to the town paper to warn people that this is happening. It feels kind of underhanded. But this is dangerous stuff. I feel that the people have a right to know.
I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.
   -Alisa

I passed Bree in the hall today. I said hello, but she didn’t hear me. At least, I think she didn’t hear me. She looked kind of preoccupied, but maybe that was just an act so that she could pretend not to notice me. I’m sure Morgan told her about me quitting Kithic.
   I haven’t even missed a circle yet, but already there are so many things I miss about the coven. I miss the energy I felt from being part of the circle. I miss the feeling when a circle goes well and you feel like there’s a greater power in the room with you. Like everyone’s energy has combined and formed this force that’s more powerful than the sum of its parts. I miss feeling like I have a family.
   Well, whatever –who cares? I’m not in the coven anymore. What they do is their own problem. I’m not going to try to warn anyone about anything –I’m staying out of it. I did my best. From now on, this is just a journal, not a Book of Shadows. And I’m just a high school sophomore, not a witch in training.
   I would have made a terrible witch, anyway. I don’t have the stomach for it.
-Alisa

I’m scared. I think I might be going crazy. Today I was over at Mary K’s house, and I started to feel sick –kind of dizzy and nauseated. So I went to her bathroom to splash water on my face.
While I was standing at the sink, something weird started to happen. My hearing started to fade, almost as if someone had stuffed wads of cotton in my ears, and then my vision started to narrow, like I was looking through a tube. I thought I was starting to black out, so I sat on the toilet seat and put my head between my knees. After a few minutes I felt a little better, so I got up and splashed a little more water on my face. Then I headed out through the door –only I guess I got the wrong one because I walked into Morgan’s room, and there she was doing some bizarre ritual with Erin. That’s when things started to get really crazy. I think I started hallucinating because I thought I saw Morgan rise into the air, like some kind of freaky scene from The Exorcist.
   Needless to say, I got out of there. But I still don’t know if what I saw was real.
And I can’t figure out what would be more frightening –if it was, or if it wasn’t.
-Alisa

I can’t write much –the pen feels like lead in my hand. This morning I woke up feeling so sick that my sheets were actually hurting me. When Dad took my temperature, he flipped out –it was 103 degrees. He gave me some Tylenol and made me drink some juice, then took me to Dr. Hawthorne’s office. He took my blood and a strep culture. But he didn’t really have any idea what was making me so sick. He seemed worried that my temperature had spiked so quickly but couldn’t explain it. He says it’s the flu. Doctors always say it’s the flu.
   Mary K came over for a while, which made me feel a bit better, but now I’m feeling worse again –feverish and nauseated. Nothing seems to help.
   I’m scared. I wish I could call someone in Kithic. I miss it so much that I’m starting to think I made a mistake by leaving the coven. But I guess it’s too late to go back now.
-Alisa

Alisa