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The Big List Of DM Wrath
"I cast detect evil."
"You pass out from the overwhelming evil."
"I cast detect evil."
"You pass out from the overwhelming evil. After about a minute, Moe wakes up."
"I cast detect evil."
-- Moe / Ceres (DM) / Exsam / Ceres / Moe
Comments:
"How many times must one be scalded by a hot pan before one realizes its hot?" -- Jaimas
"The Wemic picks up the unconscious wizard."
"Can I have an AoO because he isn't paying attention to me?"
"Umm, I guess, sure. That makes sense."
"I disarm the Wizard that the Wemic is holding, and he's at -4 because he's unproficient!"
"No wait, you can't do that!"
"Okay, I sunder."
"...roll a disarm."
-- DM / Draco / DM / Draco / DM / Draco / DM
Comments:
=D
"Hey, remember when we were in front of that big metal thing with a knob?"
"That was a door."
"....Oh yeah."
-- Bryan / Jaimas / Bryan
Comments:
=D
*Creates Fireball* "Let's play catch!"
"I suck at that. Let's play DDR!!!"
"...What?"
*Throws Explosive Caltrops*
-- Wizard / Jaimas / Wizard / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"I may not be strong, smart, or attractive.... But I am AERODYNAMIC!!!"
*Brett Poses*
"That could come in handy in a moment...."
"Blow on me."
-- Brett / Bill / Brett
Comments:
Bill is 6'8" and 318 Lbs. Brett is 5'10" and 146.
"You called her a 4-Armed Freak?"
"...I was angry."
"You apologize to your great-great-grandmother this instant!"
-- Barrin / Jaimas / Barrin
Comments:
=D
"I examine the Switch."
"It reads, in about 3 languages: 'WARNING: SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISM. DO NOT TOUCH! WE MEAN IT! SERIOUSLY! DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! NOT ONE LITTLE BIT! WE'RE WARNING YOU!"
"I press it."
"The writing fades, and it now reads: 'Guess you didn't fall for it. Oh well.' A small compartment nearby then opens."
-- Steve / Jaimas (DM) / Steve / Jaimas
Comments:
"But my doctor said I'm not supposed to be on fire!"
-- Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"Aim away from eyes and face."
-- Warning on a wand of lightning bolt.
Comments:
=D
"The enemy is planning a huge attack! I am a courier sent to deliver this message! It's their battle plans!"
"Throw them up!"
"OK."
*Slash Wads them up then throws them up*
*Guard picks up and Reads*
"What does it say?"
"Dear official: There will be a large--" *EXPLODING RUNES*
-- Steven / Guard / Steven / Alex (DM) / Steve
Comments:
=D
"I'll wait here for your signal."
"All right."
*Hour Passes*
"Where is that signal?"
*EXPLOSION*
"There it is." :D
-- Jaimas / Bryan / Jaimas / Jaimas
Comments:
This is related to the quote immediately above.
"You're dead if I get Greater Exploding Gem."
"Why?"
"I'll grapple and shove it down your pants before it blows!"
"......."
"Thermonuclear Suppository."
"Preparation H-Bomb!!!"
-- Jaimas / Dave / Jaimas / Dave / Steve / Bryan
Comments:
Ow. Just ow.
"Jaimas' fierce territoriality is offset by the fact that he packs enough punch to level a building in a hit."
"That's 2 downsides!"
-- Taran / Bryan
Comments:
=D
*The bard begins to sing and strum a tune that sounds strangely like an Earth Christmas song*
"Slashing through our foes
With a good two-handed blade
Over the corpses we go
And through the gore we wade.
Mace on helmets ring
Making bodies fly
What fun it is to sing out slayinng song
and watch these suckers DIE!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
don't let them get away!
We're brave and bold for fame gold
We'll make a lot to day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
don't let them get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!"
-- Moe
Comments:
Moe is a half-orc bard.
"Dehydrated mage. Just add water."
-- Exsam (DM)
Comments:
Our mage got killed by horrid wilting.
"We have the material components! We can rebuild him!"
-- Ceres
Comments:
One of our party members got killed, but we have a cleric that can cast True Resurrection and we had a few diamonds that were worth enough for the spell.
"I smite him!"
"You don't have that class ability."
"Sunder?"
"You do that to weapons."
"Rend?"
"Savage Species feat. You don't have claws on your feet."
"Hew?"
"You don't have that class ability."
"All the good words are taken."
-- Ceres / Zach (DM) / Ceres / Zach / Ceres / Zach / Ceres / Zach / Ceres
Comments:
They are!
"Rary's Telepathic Bond is good."
"No, it isn't."
"Why not?"
"I can accomplish more or less the same thing with a 0-level psionic power - and they can't talk back."
-- Dave / Jaimas / Dave / Jaimas
Comments:
"Mordenkainen's this. Mordenkainen's that. Mordenkainen's something or other. WHO IN THE HELL IS MORDENKAINEN?! F%$^ MORDENKAINEN!!!"
-- Jaimas
Comments:
He was playing a psionicist.
"In Soviet Russia, Diplomacy checks you!"
-- Mirutamoor
Comments:
His response to me saying that I was rolling a diplomacy check.
"You guys ALWAYS kill gods when I'm out of town." *pouts*
"Erich, no one but Moe got to participate!"
"Well how was I supposed to know a GOD would only have 900 HP?"
::strangles Moe::
-- Erich / Exsam / Moe / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I friggin' hate that character of his.
"Unlike that last puzzle, where the solution was a strength check."
"That wasn't a puzzle. That was a trap!"
-- Moe / Exsam (DM)
Comments:
=D
"I just killed a balor! Balors explode!!"
-- Ceres
Comments:
Toy Story reference.
"I have a talking Bow!" ^_^
"I have a talking, armored dog with a tail blade!" :D
"........" ¬_¬
-- Dave / Bryan / Dave
Comments:
=D
"Warning, Magic is for external use only - Consult your Cleric before use."
-- Potion of Fire Breath
Comments:
=D
"Dude? Where's my skeleton?!"
-- Adam
Comments:
He was revived after being imploded.
"I look around for a clue of some sort... Such as a business card."
"'Would you like to become the undead slave of a creature of evil? If so, call 1-800-SUCK-ME today!'"
*Pulls out Cell Phone and calls number*
"S'busy."
"Lydia? You're calling yourself."
"Oh yeah!"
-- Lydia / Erich / Lydia / Jaimas / Lydia
Comments:
I'm only a little worried in that campaign about her.
"I grappled a gelatinous cube."
"That sucks."
"I succeeded!"
"....How?"
-- Ceres / Taran / Ceres / Erich
Comments:
I really don't know.
"The creature resembles a deformed head, with enlongnated fangs and batlike wings. It has tendrils extending from its scalp, and its eyes aglow with green flames."
"It's locked in the cage?"
"Yes."
"I cast 
"
"Ahh! My eyes!"
-- Jaimas (DM) / Ceres / Jaimas / Ceres / Taran
Comments:
We were having DND in a chat room, and I decided to play with font color. This action was coined by Moe, however.
"I hate Elysium. And everyone in it."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
Just a bunch of people who won't shut up about what they did in life.
"I seriously doubt Jaimas would put us up against a CR16 Creature so soon."
"It was pretty..."
"She was incorporeal."
"She was hot!"
-- Ceres / Taran / Erich / Brett
Comments:
We saw the ghost of a young woman.
"Hey jaimas, remember the time when we met..."
[flashback]
"I like bows!"
"I like swords!"
"Argh!"
[end flashback]
"I still like bows!"
"ARGH!"
-- Dave / Dave / Peter / Jaimas / Dave / Jaimas
Comments:
That's what happens when you have two fighters in a party.
"What are those 'slicer things' on hunters that Zach mentioned?"
"Oh, the spikes?"
"Aye."
"Razor spikes."
"Tell me more about that."
"..."
"It this another 'Hey, you. Can you help me kill you?' situation?"
"Yes."
-- Ceres (DM) / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam
Comments:
=D
"I inspire courage on my friends."
::talks out his PDA and plays the Lord Of The Rings theme::
-- Moe
Comments:
Moe, interestingly, is a half-orc bard.
"What's the weather like outside?"
"20. I mean thunder!"
-- Margo / Zach
Comments:
=D
"We do not deserve hurting."
-- Gerdef
Comments:
With him saying 'gnome' so much, that's up for debate.
"I have oh, so much to read. Although I never finished reading the original PHB or DMG. My laziness has been rewarded."
-- Ceres
Comments:
I got the 3.5 books.
"Gnome! I can't stop saying 'gnome!' Gnome!"
-- Gerdef
Comments:
Who else?
"I'm annoying. My character isn't."
-- Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"What's the creature with the biggest jaw in the game?"
"The Terrasque."
"Right. I shapechange into that and drop my jaw to the ground."
-- Gerdef / Ceres (DM) / Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"Your mount's smarter than you!?"
-- Exsam
Comments:
Lousy paladin.
"What does restoration do?"
"It cures all."
"So what's the point of greater restoration?"
"It's better!"
-- Erich / Ceres / Erich / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"We're gonna wake up dead."
"You don't wake up dead!!"
-- Erich / Exsam
Comments:
Exsam has, actually.
"You all wake up."
"That's a good sign."
-- Zach (DM) / Erich
Comments:
It is!
"This forest bodes."
"How so?"
"I just does.
-- Erich / Ceres / Erich
Comments:
=D
"Jaimas, I need an idea for a campaign."
"Save Exsam's ass!"
"Which one? Exsam has named every one of his characters that and they all need to be saved."
-- Ceres / Jaimas / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"I need to make a cleric to the god of pain and name him Yao Chi."
-- Ceres
Comments:
=D
"Heal me, please!"
"Ok, it's been a while, so I'm rusty." ::casts inflict light wounds::
"OW!! You've got it backwards there."
-- Ceres / Prix Honor (NPC) / Ceres
Comments:
So far, he's healed me the same ammount he's inflicted me.
"I refuse to march behind pickles."
-- Gerdef
Comments:
Erich was using the Hand Of The Mage, which lets you cast Mage Hand at will, to make a bunch of pickles float in the air to disarm proximity traps. Gerdef, the paladin of the party, refused to let the pickles take point.
"You find a door."
"We break it down."
"Do you want to see if its locked first?"
"NO!!"
-- Zach (DM) / Exsam / Zach / Exsam
Comments:
This from a character who only has 5 constitution...
"...when Tempus was vying to become the wad of gore..."
"Wad of gore?"
"God of war, wad of gore. They lead to about the same thing."
-- Erich / Zach / Erich
Comments:
=D
"I'm gonna carve 'WHOOP ASS' on my gourd of infinite libations."
-- Zach
Comments:
Zach is a drunken master, so it really is a gourd of whoop ass.
"When I said, 'death before dishonor,' I meant alphabetically."
-- Exsam
Comments:
=D
"Jaimas considers Exploding Gem a suitable answer to a taunt."
-- Elhena
Comments:
=D
"Always throw the royal advisor out the window."
-- Ceres
Comments:
They're always the bad guy.
"You see a bunch of footprints of varying sizes. You can't tell which ones belong to your friends."
"Actually, he can."
"How?"
"I have my name engraved on the bottom of my boots."
-- Zach (DM) / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres
Comments:
It seemed foolish when I did it, but it's been rather useful.
"Gentlemen, I am afraid the news is rather grim."
"He's dead?"
"Nay. But he claims to have contracted... THE FORCE."
"The force?"
"YES. THE FORCE. The very 'force' that he claims destroyed 'Darth Vader's Death Star,' whatever the hell that is."
-- hospitaler / Jaimas / hospitaler / Jaimas / hospitaler
Comments:
Kevin was using telekenesis, a lot.
"You are in a jar... I mean bar!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I'm going to start a game at some point where they really are in a jar.
"Uh, I failed my Use Magic Device check by 11, which means that it goes horribly wrong. What happens?"
"Well, you now know that it's a Wand of Lightning Bolts. You also know to hold it by the other end next time."
-- PC / DM
Comments:
=D
"Cast Magic Missile! Oh, wait, you don't know that spell."
"You don't know Magic Missile! What the hell kinda mage are you?!"
"I'm a cleric!!"
-- Ceres / Exsam / Erich
Comments:
=D
"I'm going to be a transmuter. I can turn anything into anything else."
-- Dimitri
Comments:
=D
"I feel they should have named Song and Silence: Loot and Lutes."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
They should have!
"I had to feed my character. I mean cat!"
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"The stench of death is in the air..."
"Did you fart?!"
-- DM / Steven
Comments:
"Lat flies like a bat outta hell."
"Like a Lat outta hell!"
-- Exsam (DM) / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"I go to the public library and go to a random section."
"You find a section on bunnies."
"What!? Ok, I look at how thick the books are."
"Most of them are pretty thin, except one."
"I take that book out and skim through it."
"It's on extraplanar bunnies."
"..."
-- Ceres / Exsam (DM) / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres
Comments:
DND with a very tired DM.
"Suddenly, the wall slides down behind you and locks into place. You hear a loud voice in common say 'Prepare to be judged.'"
"Okay, I change my deity to the good guy."
-- Jaimas (DM) / Brian
Comments:
=D
"I call divine spark!"
"And the way I sees it, we shoul' jus' take thispark an' put in a bottle! Thens we jus' go kills'more gods, gets'more sparks and put 'em in more bottles until we've gots enough for everyone... an' then we's drink 'em! An' everybody's happy!"
-- Exsam / Zach
Comments:
At that point, I gave Zach a huge load of exp for the roleplaying.
"So who's this Velsharoon guy again?"
"He's the god we just killed."
"Oh, well that would explain why I have his arms."
-- Zach / Exsam / Zach
Comments:
As I said, Zach roleplays a drunk quite well.
"Look at me! I'm Velsharoon!"
::waves the arms of Velsharoon around::
"Look at Velsharoon dance!"
-- Zach
Comments:
Zach is a drunken master, and during the fight with Velsharoon, he pushed his intelligence down to 3 to get his strength up to 37. Zach roleplays a drunk well.
"I think we gained at least a little respect with most of the gods."
"You've been upgraded from 'naught' to 'gnat.'"
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
The party killed a god and thinks they should get some respect for it.
"Erich, you read my scroll. Er... mind."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"Nah, we need to make sure we totally trash the damn thing. Torch it!"
"Let's do both! Fill it with wine, then light it, just as we are about to drop it out the window!"
"Right. You two pyros, stop for a minute."
"I just remembered that marble doesn't burn very well."
"That was what I was waiting for you to realize."
-- Erich / Taran / Ceres / Erich / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"When Jaimas jumps on the bag of chips, he gets all the benefits of a barbarian rage!"
-- Steve
Comments:
=D
"Roses are red.
Violets are costs more
Have you ever read
Explosive runes before?
BOOM!"
-- Exsam
Comments:
=D
"Margo -- Sure
Erich -- Deffinitive maybe
Daniel -- I have no idea what he's talking about"
-- Ceres
Comments:
I was evaluating the chances of having a DND game that day
"Anyway, back to the game."
::keeps talking::
"Uh, guys?"
::keeps talking::
"Pi is exactly 3!"
[complete silence]
"I'm sorry it had to come to that, folks."
-- Ceres (DM) / everyone / Ceres (DM) / everyone / Zach / everyone / Zach
Comments:
He really helped me out there.
"Roll a knowledge (planes) check."
::rolls a natural 20::
"OK, you knot the species, the plane its from, the area of that plane, and the names of its immediate relatives."
-- Ceres (DM) / Erich / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"C'mon! Give us something tough to fight, quick!"
"OK, you see an adamantine golem."
"I run like a little girl."
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Erich
Comments:
Erich is a wizard.
"Make the rogue take point!"
"Who's the rogue?"
"You are!"
"Oh..."
-- Exsam / Gerdef / Zach / Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"I smite thee with the universe!" ::hits Zach with a large stack of DM notes::
"Dude? Where'd you get the cheese?"
-- Ceres (DM) / Erich
Comments:
Erich, master of the non-sequitur.
"As far as a piece of living Lava can look bad, this looks bad."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
Well, it did!
"Plus 1! Point blank!
-- Exsam
Comments:
He was swallowed whole.
"We need to take a trip to Hell."
-- Erich
Comments:
The party could handle it, but it sounds funny.
"I like bows."
-- Exsam
Comments:
8-bit Theater reference
"I never noticed the Deepwood Sniper was so hot!"
"Because you were looking at the bow?"
"Yes!"
-- Exsam / Ceres / Exsam
Comments:
Sam is obsessed with bows.
"FISHY!!!"
-- Bill
Comments:
He saw a Leviathan.
"You see a 15 foot high iron door."
"I check for traps on the door." ::rolls::
"You find a trap."
"Can I tell what sort of trap it is?"
"It's a mundane trap. No magic involved."
"OK, I stand 10 feet back and use my staff to open the door. That should keep me safe from spears and darts." ::rolls a strength check to lift the bar::
"Congratulations. You have lifted the bar. Now roll a reflex save VS giant iron door."
-- Ceres (DM) / Gerdef / Ceres / Gerdef / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres
Comments:
"Ceres -- Making unexpected dungeons since... Crap, I don't know when." -- Jaimas
"I cast Otiluke's Telekinetic Sphere and use it to destroy the lock on Dimitri's cage."
"That's 5000 pounds of force. Would you like to specify a direction?"
"Inward."
"Ok, the lock implodes into a perfect sphere around the bars that bars that it was holding together."
"I change the force to outward."
"Everyone roll a reflex save VS shrapnel."
-- Erich / Ceres (DM) / Erich / Ceres / Erich / Ceres
Comments:
Our absent-minded wizard at work.
"A new cleric item: Dentures of Searing Light."
-- Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"I refocus."
"Ok, the walls go first. The walls delay."
-- Dimitri / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
It really annoys me when people refocus when nothing is there.
"Are the axes evil?"
"Some of them."
"The Axes of Evil?"
-- Moe / Exsam (DM) / Moe
Comments:
=D
"Wisdom 10, wisdom 10, wisdom 10, wisdom 18." ::points to Karen:: "Voice of reason."
::picks up a piece of paper with her teeth::
-- Ceres (DM) / Karen
Comments:
=D
HP of golem: 42
AC of golem: 42
Sam's attack roll: 42
Sam's total damage over his turn: 42
All in happened in the same turn.
"I need to eat some Kythons."
::Samantha draws her holy symbol, pointing it at Fad::
"Vile Fiend! Have at thee!!!"
"Samantha! Nay!"
"Huh?"
"OK. Now I know you may think he's possessed, but he's not. He's just crazy."
"....Oh."
-- Fadflamer / Samantha / Ceres / Samantha / Ceres / Samantha
Comments:
=D
"I cast light right in front of the beholder."
"Good job. You've blinded one of it's eyes and aggravated it."
"Thats aggravated in a GOOD way, right?"
-- Chris / DM / Chris
Comments:
=D
"Fantastic! A device for those who cannot cast Divination spells!"
-- Ceres
Comments:
I was playing an epic paladin from the normal DND time in a futuristic time and someone explained what a cellphone was to me.
"You need to give me answers."
"There are none."
"Then you must bleed."
"I'm a statue."
"I can fix that."
-- Jaimas / statue / Jaimas / statue / Jaimas
Comments:
He got it to answer three more questions.
"Exsam's been complaining about my armor."
"Why?"
"Because it's mithril full plate."
"Well what's wrong with that?"
"I can sleep in it without penalty."
-- Gerdef / Ceres / Gerdef / Ceres / Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"Well, blast me with a fireball and call me a rod of absorbsion!"
-- Ceres
Comments:
I was playing a character that had spellfire.
"This is the Sword Of Kas. I use it as a butter knife."
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
-- an epic character / the Sword Of Kas
Comments:
=D
"Try not to get me killed."
"That's a clear conflict of interests!"
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
Exsam wanted me to NPC his character so he'd get exp. and he was being picky.
I was looking through the monsters in the epic level handbook. And the name "Hagunemnon" sounded familiar to me, but I couldn't place it. So I read about them. They shapechange almost constantly and have a deep centered hatred of solid creatures. That also sounded familiar to me. So, I went to my room, put in a tape of the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy radio series while I tried to remember. "Hagunemnon, where have I heard that before?" I asked myself. Then Arthur says, "What was the name that he said? Hagunemnon? Why don't we look it up in the book?" Hagunemnons, in the radio series, are a species that have a chromosome that's so chronically unstable that they tend to evolve several times over lunch, but they do this with such reckless abandonment that, say, were they unable to reach a coffee spoon, rather than get up to get it, they would evolve into something with far longer arms, but which is probably quite incapable of drinking the coffee. This produces a terrible sense of personal insecurity and a jealous resentment of all stable species, or, "filthy-rotten-stinking-samelings," as they call them. Wizards of the Coast made a monster from the Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy!!
"I am Gronin, son of Monin, of the Halls of Onin!"
-- Henry
Comments:
He plays a dwarf well.
"A dragoon is required to go head to head with a charging dracolich until the party is safe."
"Yeah, but I do that by choice anyway..."
"Not everyone is that stupid, though."
"Not stupid, drunk!"
-- Ceres / Zach / Ceres / Zach
Comments:
=D
"Wow. So many Vermin, and we're waist-deep in them! It's like there's a buffet in my pants!"
-- Dave
Comments:
Dave is a lizardman.
"Moe, what do I look like?"
"A dork."
"An orc."
"A fork."
"A spork-hai!"
-- Gerdef / Dartarus / Zach / Dartarus / Moe
Comments:
=D
"Watch for falling dwarves."
-- Ceres
Comments:
The dwarf failed a balance check.
"You have my sword!"
"You have my teeth."
-- NPC / Viper
Comments:
Viper collects teeth.
"I cast protection from protection from evil on myself."
-- Exsam
Comments:
Little mistatement.
"Okay, you see a man dressed in an executioner's outfit. He is literally stuffing a dead body into a trashcan."
"Okay, I walk over and start helping."
::Pause::
"Okay... The guy starts staring at you and says 'Who are YOU?!'"
"I don't know."
"...Riiiiiight..."
"What should I do with the body?"
"Uhh... Just put in into that room over there in the back."
"In the back of what?"
"In the back of the room, next to the crates."
"Okay. Then what?"
"...Uhh, that'll be all, I guess."
"Okay." ::Takes trash can exactly where he's told to bring it::
-- Jaimas (DM) / Steven / Jaimas / Steven / Jaimas / Steven / Jaimas / Steven / Jaimas / Steven
Comments:
=D
"Anyway, be sure to update the site soon, or I'll have to cast Chaos Hammer and do absolutely no damage to either of us."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"You walk into the cell and see a badly hurt girl with black, feathered wings. She has many injuries. Who in the party has Heal?"
"I do!"
"How do you spell Heal?"
"H-e-a-l."
"Ooh, I got it!"
-- Jaimas (DM) / Just about everyone / Steven / Jaimas / Steven
Comments:
He thought his skill "Heal" said "Heat."
"Make him a Hamster! DO IT!!!"
-- Everyone
Comments:
Jaimas almost wrathed Peter, and rolled a 2.
"It's a Dragon! Coming to EAT you!!!"
::laughs::
::rolls the random encounter::
"Holy shit. It IS a dragon."
::Laughing stops::
-- Taran (DM) / everyone / Taran
Comments:
=D
"I put a sock in the Magic Mouth."
-- Ceres
Comments:
Have you ever wanted to do that?
"Chain Lightning would work horrors on castle defenses like that. Or wonders, depending you perspective."
-- Ceres
Comments:
=D
"That coat closet that Daniel got stuck in had a riveted adamantine door. While in there, Daniel found the blueprints for the 'Stupid Adventurer Trap.'"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
Villon's sense of humor strikes again.
"I use Ghost Sound."
"Okay, what do you make it say?"
"He's a good idea."
-- Steven / Taran (DM) / Steven
Comments:
Steven was hitting on a girl at the bar.
[Sings to the tune of "I've Been Workin' on the Railroad"]
"I've been toasting goblin village!
All the live long day!
I've been toasting goblin village!
I just with they'd put their bows away!"
-- Taran
Comments:
Taran at his finest.
"I'll have Tina flirt with Exsam. That should drive [his dad] insane."
"..."
"What?!"
"You're right, that's what's bothering me."
-- Jaimas / Ceres / Jaimas / Ceres
Comments:
Exsam's dad is a Solar. Tina is a tiefling.
"Zach, Villon..." ::rolls:: "pokes you and you go..." ::rolls:: "flying into Sam."
"What spell can do that with a touch attack?"
"The poke wasn't part of the spell. He just did that because he thought it was funny."
-- Ceres (DM) / Zach / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"Damnit, Moe! I do not want to live without bones!"
-- Gerdef
Comments:
Moe was going to cast Raise Dead on Gerdef.
"You are in the castle of Jean Eric Villon."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
If you take out the French accent, you get "Generic Villain."
"Jesus saves... and takes half damage."
-- Exsam
Comments:
=D
"Did you just say 'Zacolich?'"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
Which would be Zach that has become a Lich.
"Counterspell Meteor Swarm with Ray Of Frost heightened to 9th level!"
-- Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"Counterspell Limited Wish with Wish!"
-- Erich
Comments:
=D
"Satanic? Ha! We killed that demon 8 games ago!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I like making fun of the people who think DND is evil.
"You forgot the monsters' turn."
"I did? Thanks for telling me."
"Oh, crap."
::rolls:: "You take 26 damage."
"OW!!"
"And you get 250 exp for reminding me of my mistake when not telling me would have helped you."
"Hey, I've found a way of converting HP into EXP!"
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Exsam
Comments:
Not a bad ratio.
"How were you doing to do damage for the thrown trees?"
"Colossal greatclub."
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=D
"EXPLODE!!!"
"I'm not using that Wrath! ....Yet."
-- Jaimas / Taran (DM)
Comments:
=D
"For crying out loud, I make a better monster than I do a PC. Well, I am a DM, I suppose that stands to reason."
-- Ceres
Comments:
I got replaced by a monster and was role-playing the monster better than my character.
"What do we do if something goes wrong?"
"We push Meat-Wall out front, and then run a lot. That's tactics."
-- Brian / Jaimas
Comments:
"Meat-Wall" is the fighter of the party.
"Can I make a touch attack before I fire my Magic Missile?"
"Why would you want to do that?"
"Because I wanna put a Magic Missile up its nose!"
-- Ceres / Zach / Ceres
Comments:
It could have easily been a critical hit.
"If I wasn't impaled, I'd have an evil smile on my face."
-- Ceres
Comments:
=D
::Brian studies Death attack on Peter for 3 rounds, and lets fly an arrow::
::Arrow hits a bush::
"WHY GOD, WHY?! WHY CAN'T HE DIE?!?!"
-- Brian
Comments:
"Peter is immortal, or at least it seems like it. 68 HP. Often incapacitated by Subdual Damage. He's never been killed, though he has been at -9. Has never successfully hit by Brian's death attack. On the one time he angered my other character, my Coup de grace failed to kill him. Was missed by Brian when Brian was using Deathblade poison. Made a saving throw when I threw him off a roof. Survived a trap that dealt him 57HP Damage AND was covered in Blue Whinnis Darts. Hence my nickname for him. 'Meat-Wall.'" -- Jaimas
::rolls a natural 20 on a spot check::
"Right, Gerdef you see the flea crawling along the Ogre's head."
"How big is the flea?"
-- Gerdef / Exsam / Gerdef
Comments:
You have to wonder about his priorities.
"Jaimas, you find a black jewel. Guessing from its size, you estimate its value to be around 50000 GP."
"I stuff it down my pants."
-- DM / Jaimas
Comments:
He was worried about DiNapoli Stealing it
"I want my favored enemy to me Brandon's character."
-- Ej
Comments:
=D
"OK. I stab Steven as part of the plan."
"OK, Brian stabs Steven, Steven is hit for 1 point of Damage."
"I grab the wound and stagger out of the bar."
"Both the thieves and Tiras seem to think you're pretty good, Brian."
"I walk back in the bar."
"That's not part of the plan!"
"I don't care. I go inside, and point at Brian, and yell: 'He's my special friend!'"
-- Brian / DM / Steven / DM / Steven / Brian / Steven
Comments:
=D
"D&D Dungeon Master's Guide: $30.
D&D Players Handbook: $30.
D&D Monster Manual: $30.
The look on your friends' faces as you toast their epic-level characters: Priceless."
-- Chris
Comments:
That look is.
"PH34R M1 L33T PS10N1C SK1LLZ!"
"Stop that."
-- Jaimas / DM
Comments:
=D
"What the hell is the difference between Jaimas and a Pyrokineticist?"
"A Pyro has fire resistance. Jaimas has Pyrophobia and runs if he gets within 6' of his own manifested fire powers."
"And a Pyro can become a Fire Elemental and has Control Flame."
"Jaimas Uses Baleful Teleport. Let's be fair, that's the main difference."
"Hey! I use concussion, too!"
-- Adam / Dave / Jaimas / Joe / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"If Jaimas is ASCII Programming Language, then Ectoplasm = Napalm and Jaimas = flamethrower."
-- Adam
Comments:
He was commenting on Jaimas' use of Whitefire.
"You're a Psionic Power User, right?"
"Yeah."
"And you can't read minds? What good are you?! HAHAHA--"
::Barbarian suffers Jaimas casting Firefall, and loses a majority of his hair.::
"I Brought this upon myself."
-- Zakast / Jaimas / Zakast / Jaimas / Zakast
Comments:
=D
"I cast Chaos Hammer!"
"It bounces off his spell turning barrier and boomerangs on you!"
"And does nothing."
"What?"
"I'm Chaotic."
"Oh Yeah."
-- Jaimas / DM / Jaimas / DM / Jaimas / DM
Comments:
=)
"This dude is going to rocksore."
-- Henry
Comments:
He doesn't know the lingo yet.
"Heronius? He sounds like a bad guy. Let's kill him!"
-- John
Comments:
I was DMing for my family at Thanksgiving. I should have taught them more before the game started.
"His name is Moe Rahn."
-- Erich
Comments:
Think about it. If that doesn't work, say it quickly.
"Looting from a paladin? That's just wrong. Can I have his gold?"
-- Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"And with my wint..."
-- Erich
Comments:
Mixing words is funny!
"You added your gold to your treasure twice? You name is now Enron!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I thought the punishment suited the offense quite well.
"Exsam, the thief of the party has more morals than you do."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
It's true!
"Clerics are bards that work."
"Yeah, holy bard."
"That sounds like a curse."
-- Ceres / Exsam / Ceres
Comments:
It does!
"It's the bard from hell, only good."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I was talking about the bladesinger class.
"Armor of the math student."
"Armor class of i."
"Does that make you ethereal?"
-- Henry / Ceres / Erich
Comments:
=D
"While the sword is not beautiful, it is in the eye of the Beholder."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=D
::waves hand at the dragon::
"Shoo! Shoo!"
-- Erich
Comments:
=D
"Ok, so I have a ring of sustenance. I eat it."
"Blasted dwarf."
-- Gerdef / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"Ah... a character with charisma 6, and a player with less."
-- Gerdef
Comments:
At times, this is true.
"Can I use move-action to flick off the sivak?"
"It's a free action."
"Does it provoke an attack of opportunity?"
-- Gerdef / Exsam (DM) / Ceres
Comments:
It should!
"Most damage I've done that wasn't psychological all game!"
-- Ceres
Comments:
I kept rolling ones for damage and finally rolled high.
"Bah, doesnt matter. Theres not much I have that I cant live a week without."
"Phylactery?"
"Got it." ::taps iPaq::
-- Moe / Exsam / Moe
Comments:
=D
"Is the wall locked?"
::everyone looks at each other::
"No the wall is not locked. Care to check to door?"
-- Eric / everyone / Draco (DM)
Comments:
Can a wall be locked?
"I need to get Iron Reflexes."
-- Ceres
Comments:
I meant to say that I needed to get Iron Will and Lightning Reflexes, but I mixed the two, somehow.
"Anyhow, as annoying as the Gnome is I have no real reason to hurt him."
"You're a celestial. Annoyance is a good enough reason."
"Half-Celestial... I have patience for things that I can only hit once/day."
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Exsam
Comments:
The Gnome is an NPC creation of mine. He's level 30 and he's dedicated his life to mischief.
"Son of a caltrop! My brain!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
A few months before this quote, Erich was so stunned by how stupid one of the PCs was being that he let his head fall to hit his PHB, not noticing the d20 that was right where his forhead landed. I outdid him. I did basically the same thing, except I did it with the d4. Very painful, but I didn't bleed and there's no scar. Yay!
"There goes one of its hearts."
"It has multiple hearts?"
"Nay."
-- Ceres (DM) / Gerdef / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
The party was doing absurd ammounts of damage to that poor thing!
"27 damage. That spear goes through you."
::cringes:: "Ow!"
"pfft... Take it like a man."
"I have 20 HP left!!"
"When I was a n00b we didn't even have 10 HP and we LIKED it!"
-- Ceres (DM) / Zach / Moe / Zach / Moe
Comments:
That's our blackguard for you.
"Shall I see invisible? I mean cast."
-- Erich
Comments:
Every time Erich makes a mistatement, I have to give him exp. for good role playing.
"It appears to be invisible, ie, it does not appear."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=)
"Since I worship myself as a god, can I have my own deity power?"
"Sure, once per day, you can make a grilled cheese sandwich."
-- Exsam / Gerdef (DM)
Comments:
When I took over, I let his powers advance with his level. He can create a grilled cheese sandwich his level times/day.
"I'll take control of Masec. So, where's the nearest cliff?"
-- Moe
Comments:
Exsam had stepped out for a moment.
::blinks::
"Alright. I'm um..."
::looks inside his robe::
"Hand-wash only. No, wait, sorry, Quarion."
-- Erich
Comments:
Erich is currently playing a senile wizard.
"My blunt-eared friends, I agree, we should go right."
-- Moe
Comments:
Moe is an elf.
"Well, the most you could do is give me a ring of wish."
::waits::
-- Gerdef
Comments:
=D
"... er... unexplored town. Well, it is unexploded, too, but that's not what I meant to say."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
This is transmuted from an online game.
"Powerword, Bill!"
-- Jaimas using paypal.
Comments:
=)
"Are you going to cast Detect Good on a door?"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
Lousy blackguard.
"Kevin, please do not scream "DOOM" when you attack. You haven't even been wrathed yet."
"DOOOOOM!!!"
-- DM / Kevin
Comments:
=)
"As a full round action, you can declare that you will attempt to distract a spell caster if they attempt to cast a spell. Opposed roll of Perform VS Concentration. Basically, it's like this:
'Entarofordigue--'
'LOOK AT ME!!!'
-- wizard / bard"
"Or,
'Fire--'
'BALLS!!'
O.o
-- wizard / bard / wizard"
-- Ceres (DM) / Erich
Comments:
=)
"We must find all 7 Dragon Balls to wish Exsam back to life."
"Or you could just talk to a wizard."
"Or that."
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Exsam
Comments:
=)
"Sword and Fish? I mean Fist!"
-- Exsam
Comments:
=D
"Where's the vampire?"
"Behind you."
"WHA?!"
"And now he's going after you."
"Why me?"
"Because he thinks you look like a human slurpy."
-- Zach / Ceres (DM) / Zach / Ceres (DM) / Zach / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I have Henry to thank for that phrase.
"I need some ideas for subquests."
"How about, 'Save Henry's ass!'"
"...Powerword, kill!!"
-- Ceres (DM) / Erich / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=D
"I can live with that. My character can't, but I can."
-- Divides
Comments:
=D
"HOLY WORD!!"
"What?"
"No, that's what I get at level 12."
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Exsam
Comments:
=D
"Do not meddle in the affairs of celestials, for they are subtle and quick to anger."
"Nay, they're just quick to anger."
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=D
"I'm going to drink my potion of Remove Paralysis."
-- Gerdef
Comments:
He was paralyzed at the time.
"Gerdef, stop punishing yourself. That's my job."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
It is!
"Why are you making an attack roll with the d12? I usually reserve that for wraths."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
He rolled better with the d12...
"Check for traps!"
"There are no traps."
"Check for renovations!"
-- Zach / Ceres (DM) / Zach
Comments:
=D
"Jaimas, as you come in, Paladin has started a fight, Boomerang is trying to break it up, and Viper is studying for a death attack on Boomerang."
"I ignore all of them, sit at the bar, and say 'There's no place like home.'"
-- DM / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"I lost my caltrop! I mean d4!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
They're so similar.
"The fiendworm is the result of abyssal magic applied to an ordinary earthworm."
-- The Monster Manual II
Comments:
THAT THING'S CR 28!
"I move silently."
"OK."
"I cast mage armor."
"OK. Everyone, you see Henry move ever so silently down the coridor and then raise his hands up and go, "ENTARO FORDIGUEMA!!"
-- Henry / Ceres (DM) / Henry / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
Spells have verbal components.
"You'd better hope this construct kills you Lydia, before I have a chance to do so more painfully."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
...
"The dungeon seems to be very systematically made."
"Like my basement?" :D
"It looks like a normal dungeon, except that the walls are made of bone."
"Like my basement." :D
-- Ceres (DM) / Jaimas / Ceres (DM) / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"Why am I upgrading her sword to be a +3 keen greatsword instead of giving her the treasure that I rolled? Because I'm not letting you have a Vorpal Greatsword of Brilliant Energy!!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I roll good treasure. I can't help it.
"The staff that you see on the wall can be none other than a Staff Of Power. Next to it, you see a sign that says in 18 different languages, 'Do not touch.'"
"I touch it."
-- Ceres (DM) / Erich
Comments:
"If there was a switch that said, 'press to destroy the world' with a wizard around, the paint wouldn't have time to dry." -- Erich
"Can you give me some advice on how to screw you guys over?"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I'm still learning and I'm open to suggestions.
"ALL YOUR UNDEAD ARE BELONG TO US!"
"Actually... I need those..."
"Oh. Uhm.... Here."
"Thanks!"
::Has undead continue building stuff::
-- Jaimas / Lydia / Jaimas / Lydia
Comments:
=D
"A massive warrior in full plate armor and armed with a massive, fiery greatsword, bashes through the door!"
"Hey. Whassup?"
-- Ceres (DM) / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"I'm actually making a Ninja of the Crescent Moon later, and naming him Greg."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"Admit it! You're the one that set us up!"
"I'm afraid I don't follow."
"Then you must BLEED!"
-- Jaimas / Mayor / Kevin
Comments:
...
"Hey, why are your eyes glo-- OW!!!"
-- A guard was hit by Jaimas' Far Punch spell.
Comments:
=D
"I want Sword-Chucks!"
"I want to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and put it on a stick, as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this."
::Waves::
".............."
"Jaimas?"
"What?"
"Would you Like fries with that?"
-- Peter / Jaimas / Peter / Steven / Jaimas / Steven
Comments:
=D
"Am I the only one worried that Jaimas has yet to do below 12 damage per strike?"
"Shut up and eat your pinecone, Peter."
-- Peter / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"I would have had him dead 4 rounds ago."
"The game began 2 rounds ago."
-- Jaimas / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
He's aggressive, even for a DM.
"I cast detect evil."
"The sword glows Bright Purple. So does Brian."
"All right, no one touch it."
"I pick it up."
"You're retarded, aren't you?"
"Can I death attack him?"
-- Jaimas / DM / Brian / Peter / Jaimas / Brian
Comments:
=D
"Dude. What the hell?!"
"How many crawling claws do you have?!"
"About 230. Why?"
"Dave, seek help. Seriously. Some of us moved up to big undead, you know. Grow up a little."
-- Jaimas / Chryssa / Dave / Kevin
Comments:
=D
"I heard a squishy noise!"
"That was Chryssa."
"No it wasn't! I tie up my tentacles every Morning."
"It was my zombies. Chill out, guys."
-- NPC / Jaimas / Chryssa / Kevin
Comments:
=D
"One day when I'm really lonely (ie. tomorrow), I'm gonna stand outside and wait for someone to bump into me. And then I'll be like 'How DARE you bump into me!! That's it... I'M JOINING YOUR PARTY!'"
-- Cloudy_Bear
Comments:
=D
"Being a female character with 34 charisma means never having to pay more then 30 GP for any item."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"Jaimas, you see a 15-foot tall shadowy being... A Nightwalker, go into a bar, come out with a mug of ale, and bring it to Kevin."
"What...?"
-- DM / Jaimas
Comments:
=)
"In proud tradition of the spell, 'Let go of me', Kevin made the spell, 'Get that crap away from me'.
-- Jaimas
Comments:
The epic level handbook is great.
"Exsam, you find that, while orcs aren't the best bowmen, when they have 1,000,000 with composite longbows of distance, at least a few will get it right. You also find that the local cleric has taken to calling you 'Pincushion.'"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
"Serves you right, you bloody bow-wielding maniac!" -- Shea
"Wrath me!"
"No. You want the damned bag of holding one, and You're not getting it, Peter."
-- Peter / Alex (DM)
Comments:
The list is being put to good use. =D
"You were right, ceres. I clubbed Peter with the Epic Level Handbook last week."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"Zach's character is getting more frelled up every game, isn't he?"
"He's a neutral evil assassing drunken master monk with a black unicorn and a bastard sword that commands him to spill a certain ammount of blood every week, along with having a minimum turning radius, and soon, he'll be able to drink beer as if it were a healing potion. I don't think he can get more frelled up."
-- Lydia / Ceres
Comments:
"Next thing you know, Zach's character will be a woman."
"That's a good idea!"
-- Lydia / Ceres
Bill is kissed by a Vargouille. His head breaks off 24 hours later and flies off. Due to his ring of regeneration, he grows a new head 10 hours later. Upon regaining consciousness, he says:
"I'm calling the cops. I want my head back."
-- Dave
Comments:
=)
"Roll an explode check."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
My new form of DM Wrath.
::laughs maniacally::
"Alright, who cast Tasha's hideous laughter on the DM?"
-- Ceres (DM) / Erich
Comments:
=D
"Back off! I'll smite him, I swear to god!"
-- Jaimas
Comments:
Jaimas, a Cleric with the Destruction Domain, takes a hostage.
"Peter. You see a dark shape on the horizon. It looks like.... Yes.. It's a Dragon, coming to eat you."
"Ahhhh!"
"You are NOT the DM, Jaimas! I am!"
"Sorry."
-- Jaimas / Peter / DM / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"Feats I plan to take: Improved Critical (Longsword), Weapon Specialization (Longsword), Cleave, Great Cleave, Epic Weapon Focus (Longsword) Epic Weapon Specialization (Longsword), Devastating Critical (Longsword,) Epic Psionic Weapon, Overwhelming Critical (Longsword). End result: When grafted, and if Dissolving touch is used, I have a 96% Chance of striking an instantly lethal hit. Make that a Keen Vorpal and I bring that to 119%."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
The epic level handbook is just disgusting.
"I cast Dominate Monster on the sheep! I cast Fly on the sheep! I cast Explosive Runes on the sheep! Super Sheep!"
-- Henry
Comments:
Henry has been playing too much Worms World Party.
"I'm going to create a cleric with the domains Good and Luck."
-- Dimitri
Comments:
Sadly, he didn't realize the joke when he was creating the character.
"I'm gonna start docking you exp. if you don't stop snubbing my exp. gifts."
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I keep giving Erich exp. for good role playing and he never accepts it!
"Been there, fought that, died."
-- Zach
Comments:
=D
"ERG!! MUST SMASH WITH GREAT DISCIPLINE!"
-- Henry
Comments:
Henry was explaining what a barbarian monk would be like.
"Life tends to wear you down, especially when you're dead."
-- Ceres
Comments:
I was explaining why liches lose their minds over the years.
"If you buy the epic level handbook, you will end up hitting one of the PCs with it."
-- Ceres
Comments:
I should never have let them look at it.
"I cast Ghost Sound, and attract the guards to the sound!"
"OK! What will you make the Ghost Sound sound like?"
"Uhm..... 'Moo.'"
-- Joe / DM / Joe
Comments:
=D
"This is a new dance. It's called the 'Fall down and hurt yourself.'"
"Watch me!"
::Joe falls down and hurts himself::
"Isn't that cool?!"
"Yeah!"
-- Steven / Joe / Steven / Guards
Comments:
They rolled 6 natural 20's in a row!
"Ahh!! I'm bleeding! Oh no!!!"
"Mark, this is the coolest thing you've ever done."
-- Mark / Kevin
Comments:
=D
"I cast duct tape."
"What?!"
-- Joe / DM
Comments:
=D
"I look through the keyhole."
"You see an empty room."
"I open the door."
"Alright. In the room, you see a very well done painting of an empty room hanging about 3 feet from the keyhole. Other than that, the room is empty."
-- Henry / Ceres (DM) / Henry / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I love toying with the PCs.
"Animate Dead! Animate Dead!"
-- zombies
Comments:
Chris had animated them and was making them march along, singing that.
"I open the window and go in."
"There's a guard asleep in the hall. As you enter, he stirs and looks your way!!!"
"...And sees nothing."
"Wha...? Oh yeah!"
-- Jaimas / DM / Jaimas / DM
Comments:
The DM forgot that Alex and Jaimas were invisible.
"I show him my finger of death."
"You don't know that Spell."
"No, I show him my graft."
-- Kevin / DM / Kevin
Comments:
=)
"How much damage does a David do?"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
A golem picked David up and slammed him into Dimitri.
"No, you may not have you class be 'badass.'"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=D
"I cast Bigby's Middle Digit."
-- Dimitri
Comments:
=D
"I'm going to roll a knowledge geography check."
::rolls a 1::
"You believe that this is the plane of shadow. You wonder where all the shadows have gone."
-- Erich / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=D
"If I get High enough level as a Contemplative in an Epic Campaign, and work my ASS off for my diety, do I get the ability to attract a Celestial Girlfriend?"
-- Jaimas
Comments:
Not a bad idea.
"It draws back its Bow."
"I proclaim to it: 'Vengeance is not hard to fathom for a man who believes in nothing.'"
"It fires on you."
::Rolls::
"You... Caught it."
"Whoa, Shit!"
"I AM GOD!"
"This is the only chance you'll ever have to see a celestial being have an absolutely dumbfounded look on its face. Jaimas, your diety slaps you."
"I apologize."
-- DM / Jaimas / DM / Jaimas / DM / Mark / Jaimas / DM / Jaimas
Comments:
He was fighting a Solar.
"I shake his hand with my graft."
"That's disgusting."
"Look who's talking, tentacle girl."
-- Kevin / Chryssa / Kevin
Comments:
Kevin is a Pale Master and Chryssa is an alienist.
"Where am I at the moment?"
"In midair. David, make a reflex save VS Henry."
-- Henry / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
I had a drunken master in the bar whom the party was trying to get out of the bar. Needless to say, no one could beat him in a strength check.
"Hold on. I'm trying to figure out these strange knobs and switches."
"Why is it you get formal right before you do something retarded?!"
-- Taran / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"If like, Chryssa was exposed to alien tissue so long that her body began developing it. It's a mutation."
"Mutation?"
"Yeah. Like, they get exposed to radiation and their body gets messed up, they mutate."
"However, if you drop them on their head as an infant, they become Brett."
"......."
-- Brett / Joe / Steve / Jaimas / Brett
Comments:
They were talking about the party's alienist.
"One of the best things about the Epic Level Handbook is that when you smash a bug with it, it STAYS smashed. For 40 bucks you get what you pay for."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"I'll retardify you!"
-- Jaimas
Comments:
Jaimas uses a psychic warrior.
"I wanna cast a spell."
"Ok, you cast Vengeful Gaze of a God."
-- Erich / Ceres (DM)
Comments:
Vengeful Gaze of a God is an epic-level spell that deals 305d6 damage to the target and 200d6 to the caster.
"I can heal you!"
::Acolyte casts Cure Minor Wounds::
"I'm still bleeding, damn it. Something's wrong."
-- Miras / Jaimas
Comments:
Jaimas was at 2 HP at the time.
"I cast Sarcasm!"
"What?!"
"Inflict Minor Wounds!"
-- Jaimas / DM / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"It's the blender!!"
-- Moe
Comments:
Moe talking about character that he created. The character was a halfling, duel-wielding kukri using whirlwind attack.
"He killed about 15 Goblins."
"Sounds like quite the Hero."
"He hit on a priestess! I hardly think that's heroic!"
"I'd do it."
-- Peter / bartender / Peter / bartender
Comments:
They were talking about Jaimas.
"I punch him in the face!"
"Henry, you're wearing a helmet, right?"
"Yes."
"OK, you take 4 sonic damage."
-- Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Henry / Ceres
Comments:
DM and caffiene are a bad combination.
"I'm going to cast Create Water over Exsam's head to try and sober him up."
"OK."
"18 gallons! Sploosh!"
"Alright, now you've got an angry drunk to deal with. He's awake, though. Also, the people on the floor below you are a little upset."
"I cast light on Henry! Do I get to choose the color?"
"Sure."
"I make Henry glow dark red!"
"That's a mean thing to do to a paladin!"
-- Moe / Ceres (DM) / Moe / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam / Henry
Comments:
Exsam is a half-celestial with a taste for ale.
"Wait.... You're a sorcerer! Get off your ass and Magic Missile us a way out of here!"
"Do you have a spellcaster in there?!"
"No."
"OK."
::Guard walks off::
-- Jaimas / guard / Jaimas / guard
Comments:
The guard rolled a 20 on a listen check and a 2 on a sense motive check.
"The vampires demand some of your blood as payment. They advance."
"I faint."
"You wake up a few hours later feeling very weak."
"I faint."
"You wake up a few hours later feeling even more weak."
"I start to faint again."
-- DM / John / DM / John / DM / John
Comments:
=D
"Great! You rolled a Natural 20!"
"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?!"
"Stop that!"
-- DM / Jaimas / Bret
Comments:
=D
"Our party sucks."
"How so?"
"It just does."
-- Jaimas / Ceres / Jaimas
Comments:
::shrugs::
"I shake Vecna's Hand."
"........."
-- Jaimas / DM
Comments:
=D
"Dude, Heironius and Pelor suck compared to you."
::Is smited::
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"G'evening."
"DAMN YOU CUTHBERT!!!"
"Brooke! This is Ceres! I'm not your enemy!"
-- Ceres / Brooke / Ceres
Comments:
She scares me sometimes.
"Holy shit! You look like a porcupine!"
-- Brooke
Comments:
"I hate archers..." -- Ceres
"Silence! Cower before my dark powers of unpleasantness!!!"
-- Brooke
Comments:
=D
"You all gain a telepathic link with the construct."
"Must kill Moe... WHEE!! Must kill Moe... WHEE!! Must kill Moe... WHEE!!"
"Hey!"
-- Ceres (DM) / construct / Moe
Comments:
Simpsons quote.
"The dracolich rears back in agony as you broke its toe!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
What exactly do you say happens when they critically hit a dracolich with a warhammer?
"He's waffle evil!"
-- Moe
Comments:
Moe was trying to say "Lawful Evil."
"My parents live down south."
"My dad's in hell and thanks to me, he's falling apart."
"I'm so sorry... It's hard when your folks get old."
"No. Literally, he's in hell, and thanks to that Degeneration I cast, he's falling apart."
-- Melissa / Brooke / Melissa / Brooke
Comments:
=D
"I'm gonna use wispering winds to ask someone, 'Can you hear me now?'"
-- Erich
Comments:
Erich is our very absent-minded wizard. Intelligence of 21, wisdom of 8.
"I read the scroll."
"Fire leaps off the scroll and onto your face dealing 11 damage."
[later]
"I read the scroll."
"Fire leaps off the scroll and onto your face dealing 11 damage."
[later]
"I read the scroll."
"Fire leaps off the scroll and onto your face dealing 11 damage."
-- Exsam / Zach (DM) / Exsam / Zach (DM) / Exsam / Zach (DM)
Comments:
What is that? A scroll of burn reader's face!?
"I'm flying along 60 feet above the party."
"Oh, so you're at eye level."
-- Exsam / Ceres
Comments:
"Hey! Don't worry. I'M not going to hell!"
::Giggles:: "That's what you think."
-- Dan / Brooke
Comments:
=D
"I'm going to wrath the next person who speaks!"
"OK."
-- Ceres (DM) / Erich
Comments:
Erich grew a tail. I decided that it should be a cat tail, so he has absolutely no control over it.
"Must... Touch... Pretty... Fire..."
-- Mark
Comments:
...
"I want a vorpal shirt!"
-- Rachel
Comments:
...
"Powerword, refill!"
-- Ceres (DM)
Comments:
=D
"Hello, Mr. Golem."
"If an unintelligent grunt could sound annoyed, it would."
-- Logic / Gerdef (DM)
Comments:
=)
"Wrath me!"
"NO!!"
-- Ceres / Zach
Comments:
I don't know how that happened, but it did.
"Once per day, a shadow adept can use a standard action to create a double of himself woven from shadowstuff."
"Shadowstuff!?"
-- the Forgotten Realms book / Ceres
Comments:
Shadowstuff!?
"I'm gonna pray. Know any good religions?"
-- Ceres
Comments:
Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy reference.
"You see, we have this 'Deck Of Funny Things' and--"
"Yes, I made that."
"YOU!?"
"Yes, back in my hippie days."
-- Exsam / Elminster / Ceres / Elminster
Comments:
Be very, very afraid.
"I found 3 gold on it."
"Where?"
"In its pockets."
-- Bill / Melissa / Bill
Comments:
They killed an owlbear.
::Hendrikson (the party's skeleton) loses his head::
::A Roc carries off his decapitated body::
"I'm calling the cops."
-- Hendrikson
Comments:
"I wish I knew why it was Joe allowed Bill to be a skeleton. I really do." -- Jaimas
"I eat him."
"..."
-- Brooke / DM
Comments:
This was upon encountering a giant wasp.
"I use the force."
"You can't do that!"
-- Jaimas / DM
Comments:
=D
"He's talking to himself in both the 2nd and 3rd person!"
-- Zach
Comments:
Exsam was praying to himself.
"What deity do you worship?"
"Yourself!"
"That's a good idea, actually."
-- Gerdef (DM) / Ceres / Exsam
Comments:
Someone should point out to him that he's not a god.
"Henry is a vampire."
"Playing DND again?"
"That's what you'd like to think."
-- Ceres / Mirutamoor / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"You didn't like my character, either."
"Aye, but I could kill that character."
-- Henry / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"I hit you for 18 subdual damage."
-- Ceres
Comments:
Subdual damage usually just leaves a bruise. What sort of bruise would that leave?
"Where in the nine hells am I? ...oh..."
-- Exsam
Comments:
=D
"Where did you come from, stranger?"
"Well, you see when a man loves a woman..."
-- Zach / Erich
Comments:
Not the answer we expected.
"Holy chaotic neutral, Batman!"
-- Matt
Comments:
=D
"I think I've come the closest possible to winning DND. I'm in heaven and I'm not dead."
-- Ceres
Comments:
I got planeshifted.
"Why did I touch that darn door in the first place?"
"Because you were curious."
"Stop being so accurate!"
-- Henry / Ceres / Henry
Comments:
=D
"I've been disintegrated twice!"
-- Zach
Comments:
He was.
"You never let me burn ANYTHING."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
Poor guy.
"Smite me."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
As opposed to bite me...
"Did you ever notice how--"
"If this has anything to do with spells, I'm shooting you while we're in the acid."
"Nevermind."
-- Melissa / Jaimas / Melissa
Comments:
=D
"Patrol this area, and do not deviate from the route!"
"I'm going to wander north."
-- Soldier NPC / Peter
Comments:
=D
"We're about to witness an inverse relationship between the number of stab wounds I inflict on you and the number of answers you start giving me."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
Good policy.
8-bit Theater reference
"I use prestidigitation to flip off the hood of her tunic."
::glare of death::
"Sarah, would you like to respond?"
"I am responding."
-- Henry / Sarah / Gerdef (DM) / Sarah
Comments:
=D
"There's more old people here then Jaimas and Dave can beat senseless."
-- Melissa
Comments:
She was talking about a sage's guild.
"I give Exsam and Margo 3 gold pieces each for their help in the battle."
"Oh! Thank you, stranger."
"Who are you stranger and what are you here for?"
"I give Margo another gold piece for not asking questions."
-- Ceres / Margo / Exsam / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"I guess we'd better take Dave back to the Town Cleric."
"Or we could leave him here to rot."
::Drags Dave away::
"You guys suck."
"Jaimas, that's 150 exp. for good role playing."
-- Adam / Jaimas / Melissa and Adam / Jaimas / DM
Comments:
=D
"Can I use prestidigitation to change the color of my eyes?"
"uh, yeah, why?"
"I make my eyes glow blood red and walk into the shop and now I'm going to roll for an intimidate check."
-- Ceres / Gerdef / Ceres
Comments:
This was my Drow, who dresses like the black riders, in a hobbit town, walking into a shop where the shop keeper was alone.
"Most monsters will go over a mountain to attack you. A Terrasque will eat the mountain, then attack you."
-- Gerdef
Comments:
Don't you just love those guys?
"I'm going to hold person."
"You don't know that spell yet."
"No! I'm going to grab her and hold her back from the acid!"
-- Ceres / Gerdef (DM) / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"hmm... Eye of Vecna? I poke it."
"Uh, Vecna is getting pissed."
"I poke it again."
-- Ceres / Gerdef / Ceres
Comments:
This hasn't actually happened in a game yet. Gerdef and I were just talking.
"OK, now let me make sure I got this straight. We're up against a Giant that has managed to KO 50% of our team. And now you and I have to brainstorm an ingenious plan of attack."
"I am here too. I could help with your attack plan."
"Please Princess, the great Dave and Jaimas are talking now."
"You'd better hope to god that this giant kills you before I have the chance to do so more painfully."
"Did you say something, Princess?"
"Oh heavens no. What could I possibly contribute to your man-talk?"
-- Jaimas / A princess Jaimas and Dave rescued / Dave / Princess / Dave / Jaimas / Princess
Comments:
Beware of those you rescue!!
8-bit Theater reference
"Gerdef? How much damage does a torch do?"
"Lit or not lit?"
"Lit."
"With the pointy end or burning end?"
"Yes, Logic. I'm going to hold the torch by burning end and poke them with it."
-- Ceres / Logic / Ceres / Logic / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"I just need a staff of burning."
"A burning staff?"
"A torch!"
-- Ceres / Gerdef / Logic
Comments:
That would work.
"I leap into the mirror."
"I closeline him to stop him."
"OW!! What was that for?"
"Are you trying to break the royal family's mirror and hurt yourself?!"
"Gimme a break. I'm from forgotten realms. I've never seen a real mirror."
-- Ceres / Zach / Ceres / Zach / Ceres
Comments:
=D
"I'm part Infernal. Let me tell you, souls are overrated."
-- Brooke
Comments:
...
"I didn't get a degree in evil necromancy just so I could go around conjuring celestial bunnies!"
-- Henry
Comments:
He should have.
"When he wakes up dead... wait... that didn't work."
-- Henry
Comments:
Exsam does that all the time.
"I am the maiden of the underworld. All your undead are belong to us."
"You have no chance to revive. Make your time."
-- Lydia / Erich
Comments:
=D
"You stole my mind!?"
-- Gerdef
Comments:
He didn't notice until after it happened.
"If I can't have you, NO ONE WILL!!!"
::Brett starts trying to remove Brooke's Armor with a Can Opener::
"What the hell are you doing?!"
-- Brett's old character / Brooke
Comments:
Note that this was Brett's old character.
"Bad evil!"
-- Erich
Comments:
=D
"Roll the d1."
"D1?"
"A marble."
-- Sir Divides / Gerdef / Sir Divides
Comments:
It could also be the d
"He's only tried to kill me 4 times. I think he's a good person."
-- Ceres
Comments:
In DND, I'm a drow.
"You racists! I'm an elf! So what if I'm black?"
-- Ceres
Comments:
My drow was trying to use diplomacy.
"My drow is on a quest for something called "sunspectacles." He has no idea what they are, but he has heard that they can help with his sensitivity to light."
-- Ceres
Comments:
=D
"A team of dwarven mages transported to the first house of the underdark by mistake. Your queen, I believe."
"THAT bitch!?"
-- Henry / Ceres
Comments:
It she finds out that I call her that, I'm toast.
"A town guard attacks you."
"I use the rod of wonder!"
::rolls:: "Ok, he's covered in webs and stuck to the wall."
"I go through his pockets."
-- DM / Napalm / DM / Napalm
Comments:
Don't you love the rod of wonder?
"Long live necromancers! ...er... die... I'm really not quite sure."
-- Henry
Comments:
Which is it!?
"If I survive the saving throws, expect my character to flirt with your nymph."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
...
"Some people call me the Knight of Death!"
"The rest of us call you asshole."
-- Monster / Jaimas
Comments:
=D
"And I get +2 to charisma because I'm freaking intimidating!"
-- Ceres
Comments:
=D
"Henry, there is nothing funny for you about me killing you in your sleep."
"What are you talking about?"
"DND! DND! DND!"
-- Ceres / Ceres' mom / Ceres
Comments:
"Bad Warrior. No cookie."
"But I like cookies."
"You should have thought of that before you started doing the Polka, now roll for DM Wrath."
-- Jaimas / Dave / DM
Comments:
Dave became a hampster.
"I thank the gaurd for not hurting me."
"He hits you over the head for saying that."
-- Ceres / Gerdef (DM)
Comments:
I need to learn when to shut up.
"You're just Jealous, because YOUR god doesn't talk to you!"
-- Brooke
Comments:
I'm really starting to worry about her.
"I want to empower the wish spell."
-- Ceres
Comments:
What will that do?
"I'd just love to see a half dragon merrily prancing through a field singing to himself."
"I wouldn't."
-- Ceres / Henry
Comments:
=D
"I want to become half dragon."
::laughs::
"At level 15 I succeed!"
::extremely frightened look::
-- Ceres / Flavia / Ceres / Flavia
Comments:
Don't you love prestige classes?
"You're a drow!"
"It's a skin condition."
"And you've got pointed ears! Is that part of your skin condition?"
::hangs head:: "Yes."
-- Zach / Ceres / Erich / Ceres
Comments:
Invader Zim reference
"I tear out his heart and chew on it."
"Is that for a spell or ritual?"
"Neither. I missed Lunch."
-- Brooke / Jaimas / Brooke
Comments:
...
"Adam made his 'coolness should be like money' arguement. I told him there was such a skill. It's called intimidate."
-- Jaimas
Comments:
=)
"I don't care if you make Exsam run away. I care if you make him explode."
-- Ceres
Comments:
Exsam is undead.
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