Pun Intended

A pun is simply a play on words or a rearrangement of common words or sayings to convey a different meaning. Although puns are mostly used for comedy, they can also be used for serious applications and to convey a message. Enjoy!

• Quite a few of these are original; some are aboriginal.
• One seventh of our time is spent on Monday.
• What is the shape of infinity?
• Are the noises in my head bothering you?
• Goose farmers really know how to get down.
• In a legal matter, it is bad to throw a party off a cliff.
• We have Suicidal Tendencies. (Sign in a music store)
• Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
• Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
• Every time I make my mark, somebody paints the walls. (Country music song)
• Amazing grapes how sweet the wine that made a wretch of me.
• You'll never see heroin becoming a heroine.
• A compulsion to win is cheating.
• Trying to get through school while working and having a family is really a cuss/study battle.
• A well driller is such a boring job.
• My wife sent me to the store to get paper towels. She made me feel like a real Bounty hunter.
• Speaking of paper towels, they're such a ripoff.
• Some people suffer from diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain.
• Conductors should be well trained.
• Jenny generates joy from congealing jello enjoyed by geriatric James. (tongue twister)
• They knew someone had been hunting on their land when they found a cartridge in a pear tree.
• If a cow eats too fast, you may get some feedback.
• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• Nothing is impossible. It just hasn't been invented yet.
• Laugh, and everyone will laugh with you, but you take your punishment alone.
• Everybody wants to be somebody but not nobody.
• Life is a sled dog team. Unless you're the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
• Easy does it, but he takes a little longer.
• If I poured spot remover on the dog, would he disappear?
• Seismologists often go around finding fault.
• Money talks. Mine has a very limited vocabulary.
• Sometimes my luck is not what it should be. When I go fishing, all I catch is a cold. If I go hunting, all I kill is time.
• Polish is a word that means to do an action to make something shine. It doesn't mean the same in Warsaw.
• D'juneau the capital of Alaska?
• If we got rid of left, we'd be all right.
• If you don't get right, you're gonna get left.
• Dr. Heimlich can't take a choke.
• Now hiring...and lowering. (Sign outside a funeral home)
• Praise the lowered. (Sign outside a funeral home)
• I stayed up all night trying to think of something, and then suddenly it dawned on me.
• The Internet is the culmination of years and years of lunatics and nets being associated.
• Due to budget cuts, there will no longer be a light at the end of the tunnel. Proceed with caution.
• Excessive use of spices is a waste of thyme.
• A man walks into a bar. "Ouch," he says.
• Dodge is the ideal word to put on the front of a truck coming at you.
• If George Washington never told a lie, how come he did so well in politics?
• Ya snooze, ya lose.
• Users are losers. Don't do drugs.
• Man who hikes in woods should Thoreau a party.
• Over a billion Chinese can't be all Wong.
• Better live than dead. (title of a music album)
• Marcel Marceau was a friend of mime.
• Bill Clinton seems to be Ken Starr's claim to blame.
• Californi is not a place you ought to be, so they loaded up the truck and moved to Tennessee...hills that is, TVA and country music stars.
• A penny saved is not worth a dime.
• I wonder if Goodyear ever got tired.
• A phlebotomist's work is all in vein.
• Why is Dr. Kevorkian so worried about what the youth are doing in Asia?
• A lot of artists don't get anywhere because they can't get the van to go.
• An old automobile prototype was the S-car. It didn't make it because for one, people thought it was called a scar and associated it with accidents, and for another, automakers couldn't figure out how to make an S-car go.
• There is no civil war.
• That Van Halen song "You Really Got Me" became a hit after they worked the kinks out of it.
• I can't find my copy of Oliver Twist. Where in the dickens is it?
• Lots of people who live in Wisconsin have a friend in cheeses.
• MS DOGS C:\dos C:\dos\run run\dos\run
• I don't know why women go gaga over that Unchained Bill Medley song.
• Since I live in Georgia, I've always thought the national anthem ended as, "and the land of the free and the home of the Braves."
• If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
• Excuse me, but would you happen to have any plain yellow mustard?
• Remember that song from the late '70's called My Sharona? The group that did it really had the knack, didn't they?
• If you go to Walt Disney World, it's like a huge memorial to a dead mouse. The grounds are immaculate. We have museums with old dead relics in them. Both places pay close attention to detail, even the security of the patrons. What do our schools look like?
• If times get any tougher, I'll just have to quip.
• Like when things seem nearly impossible in football, I pun too.
• The bakery meets all my kneads.
• The butcher shop is a great place to meat people.
• I also think cheese is grate.
• When I cheat on my diet, I usually fall to pizzas.
• Philosphy can sometimes be confusing, but if the great philosphers sat in a SPA to talk about their ideas, then it would be easier to figure out. (Socrates taught Plato who in turn taught Aristotle. Hence, SPA).
• Beverly Hills--Swomen pools and movme cars.
• The following program contains sax and violins. Parental discretion is advised.
• When you get through reading this you'll:

1. Need to take some punicillin.
2. Have everything in pundemonium
3. Blame me for whatever happuns.
4. Put me in the punitentiary.