Jokes





  • HOW TO CURE A BAD DAY

    For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you need to take it out on someone. Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call i'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying "hello?". I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I could'nt believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct phone number and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole" then hung up. I wrote his number down with the word "asshole" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or having a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "Your an asshole" and hang up.It always cheered me up. When caller ID came to our area, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi this is John Smith from the telephone company, I'm just calling to see if your familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" So one day I was at the store, getting reay to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his window, so I wrote the number down. A couple days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello<" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is" "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 802 W. 34th St. It's a yellow and the car's parked right out front". "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don hanson," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after 5:00. "Listen Don, can I tell you something" "Yes" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it was'nt quite as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (But I did'nt hang up) "Are you still there?" he asked "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me". he screamed. "Make me". I said. "Who are you?" he said. "My name is Don Hanson" "Yeah, where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 802 W. 34th St., a yellow house with my black beemer parked out in front". He said, "I'm coming over right now Don, and you had better start saying your prayers." I said,"Yeah, Like I'm really scared asshole" Then I called asshole #2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello asshole" I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass!" he exclaimed. I answered, "Well asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over there right now". Then hung up. And immediatley called the police, saying that I lived at 802 W. 34th St., and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called channel 13 news about a gang war going down on W. 34th St. I quickly got in my car and headed over to 34th St. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.

    Now I feel better.

  • You won't laugh?" asked Fred. "Of course I won't laugh, " the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then, " Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been the size of a peanut. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry, " said the doctor. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen, " Fred replied.

  • One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

  • The Vice-Principal of the elementary school stopped by the room of the new third grade teacher. This was her first day and he wanted to make sure she was adjusting adequately. "There is one problem, " she whipsered to the Vice-Principal, "the little tyke in the first row should be in the second grade but he's so smart I would really hate to send him back." "Now really, he can't be that smart, " the V.P. said, "ask him some questions. The teacher called the young boy to the front of the classroom and asked him, "What does a dog do on three legs, a man does on two legs and a woman does sitting down?" "Shake hands, " the boy replied. "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?" She inquired. "Legs, " the boy answered. "Do you know a four letter word meaning intercourse?" The teacher asked. "Talk, " he answered quickly. "Well now, what should I do?" The teacher asked the Vice-Principal. Taking the teacher to one side the Vice-Principal whispered, "Promote him to the fourth grade. I missed all three questions!"

  • A young man entered a drug store and walked up to the counter currently tended by a prudish, elderly woman. "Could I please have three condoms, Miss?" He asked politely. The elderly clerk became snippy and retorted "Don't you 'Miss' me!" "Alright, " the young man said, "make it four then."

  • The Vice-Principal of the elementary school stopped by the room of the new third grade teacher. This was her first day and he wanted to make sure she was adjusting adequately. "There is one problem, " she whipsered to the Vice-Principal, "the little tyke in the first row should be in the second grade but he's so smart I would really hate to send him back." "Now really, he can't be that smart, " the V.P. said, "ask him some questions. The teacher called the young boy to the front of the classroom and asked him, "What does a dog do on three legs, a man does on two legs and a woman does sitting down?" "Shake hands, " the boy replied. "What does a cow have four of that I only have two of?" She inquired. "Legs, " the boy answered. "Do you know a four letter word meaning intercourse?" The teacher asked. "Talk, " he answered quickly. "Well now, what should I do?" The teacher asked the Vice-Principal. Taking the teacher to one side the Vice-Principal whispered, "Promote him to the fourth grade. I missed all three questions!"

  • According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, ON, Canada, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was. Under careful instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee, solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror. There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

  • A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

    The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
    Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"




  • API (Poland): Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Poland.

    Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

  • Only in America

    Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

    Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

    Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

    Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

    Only in America....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

    Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

  • DO YA EVER WONDER ...

    Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

  • I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear or the lack of. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got marrried and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family. "The moral of this story is:" "Always keep your condoms in your car."

  • It's about time!!!

    Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is a Sioux Indian from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a rodeo. The third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University. Their discussion drifts to their cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a table and tips his sweat-stained hat over his face. After a long silence, the Indian clears his throat and speaks, "At one time, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few." The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many." Why do you suppose that is?" The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's comin."

  • OOPS!

    A woman and baby went into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.
    After arriving there, the doctor examined the baby and asked the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
    "Breast fed" she replied.
    "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
    She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
    "Naturally," she said, "I'm his Grandma. But I'm glad I came.

  • How to tell the sex of a fly

    A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

  • Three men; one German, one Japanese and a Cuban were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager" he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." The Cuban felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Cuban man finally said," Ay Dios Mio, will you look at that? I'm getting a fax.."

  • During a campaign tour of the Apache Nation Wednesday, George Bush said he had a plan to increase every Native American's income by $40,000 a year. Bush refused repeated requests for details of his plan, however. He also told the Apaches that during his term, he has been in favor of every Indian issue ever introduced. Before his departure, the Apache Tribe presented the President a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, Running Eagle. After Bush left, tribal officials explained that Running Eagle is a bird so full of poop it can't fly.

  • Why can't we all just get along?

    Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat.

    After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke.” "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you."

    As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it.

    When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

    As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?

  • A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!" "Blowjobs?!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true... no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."

  • Can't we just make his legs longer?

    There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems. The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

  • You will love 'Little Tony'

    Little Tony on Math

    A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY.

    He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

    The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

    Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

    The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

    To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

    Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"

    LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH

    Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

    LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

    Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

    LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR

    One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

    LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER

    Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.

    I LOVE little Tony!!!!!

    My Favorite!

  • Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way to the final test. So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head." The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You fail."

    The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that h