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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you need to take it out on someone. Don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call i'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying "hello?". I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I could'nt believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct phone number and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the wrong number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole" then hung up. I wrote his number down with the word "asshole" next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or having a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "Your an asshole" and hang up.It always cheered me up. When caller ID came to our area, I thought my theraputic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi this is John Smith from the telephone company, I'm just calling to see if your familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" So one day I was at the store, getting reay to pull into a parking spot. Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his window, so I wrote the number down. A couple days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I dialed and someone said, "Hello<" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is" "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 802 W. 34th St. It's a yellow and the car's parked right out front". "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don hanson," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening after 5:00. "Listen Don, can I tell you something" "Yes" "Don, you're an asshole!" Then hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it was'nt quite as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (But I did'nt hang up) "Are you still there?" he asked "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me". he screamed. "Make me". I said. "Who are you?" he said. "My name is Don Hanson" "Yeah, where do you live?" "Asshole, I live at 802 W. 34th St., a yellow house with my black beemer parked out in front". He said, "I'm coming over right now Don, and you had better start saying your prayers." I said,"Yeah, Like I'm really scared asshole" Then I called asshole #2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello asshole" I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are...." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your ass!" he exclaimed. I answered, "Well asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over there right now". Then hung up. And immediatley called the police, saying that I lived at 802 W. 34th St., and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called channel 13 news about a gang war going down on W. 34th St. I quickly got in my car and headed over to 34th St. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
Now I feel better.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights. One is a Sioux Indian from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Billings for a rodeo. The third is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University. Their discussion drifts to their cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a table and tips his sweat-stained hat over his face.
After a long silence, the Indian clears his throat and speaks, "At one time, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many." Why do you suppose that is?"
The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl,
"That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's comin."
A woman and baby went into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Two Arabs boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an American sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the American kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I need to get up and get a coke.” "Don't get up," said the American, "I'm in the aisle seat. I'll get it for you." As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the American's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I'd really like one, too." Again, the American obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up his other shoe and spat in it. When the American returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the American slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked. How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?
There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the operating room to remedy the situation.
The first doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.
The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the texture and feel of it.
The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and said that would give him erection problems.
The doctors looked at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks.
The nurse cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"
Little Tony on Math A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking." Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6,'" replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the fucking difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!" LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'" LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business.
I LOVE little Tony!!!!!
The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that h
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