This is Goodbye

03 Nov 99
Annette

It does not matter what words creep past my lips
you must not believe what I say.
It does not matter the integrity of my soul,
the purity of my confession, 
the anguish of my betrayal
you must not believe what I say
for you have a vested interest in this nine-year partnership
that must be stronger than all my truths
for you to continue on this path.
To say it was an innocent kiss, 
this is the most that I can deceive.
Yet, I know that he shall twist his way into innocence – 
he tries already 
by using anger to offset his fear of my veracity
that could do so much more damage 
than what has already been done
 ... and he fears ...
I will not tell you who was the predator 
and who the prey;
I will not render to you the things that he whispered 
as he caressed my body;
I will not let you know how fully 
he was trying to betray you;
I will not say any more
For you must not believe me.
This fledgling friendship, 
borne of deep admiration and respect
shall die
to ease the fears of your husband
and to keep my lips from voicing veracity.
I am sorry, so sorry
for telling the truth has always led me into this pain
and I shall weep my tears for the loss of you 
in silence.
Should never have let you get so close
sweet red wine relaxing our inhibitions
and letting me fumble through small truths 
that could destroy your faith
as mine has been again and again
by the restless players that make the rules 
of this game that I can never comprehend.
It is no more than I expect,
for I have always paid the price of a man’s betrayal.
So it has always been, so it shall always be.
I will not plague you with the tension 
that would be our friendship.
I shall not murder the fantasy that you must maintain 
to keep your love alive.
I can not let you near me, lest I mumble some truth 
that would harm you further 
and so, this is goodbye.

© 1999, Tara Tambolleo