“Yeah. So what?” Steve said.
“Don’t you ever read the paper, douche bag? The old codger snuffed it a year ago. In fact, his body was discovered Halloween afternoon by Cynthia Bergman.”
“You mean that hottie that drives for UPS?”
“Sure do.”
“Wow,” Steve said, “what I wouldn’t give to have two hours alone with her in the sack.”
“You and half the friggin’ men in the state,” Larry said around a sour belch.
Benny cleared his throat. “Dream on, dickheads. Like I said: she found old man Harmon dead in his living room when she came to deliver a parcel. Seems the old geezer was really keen to get his paws on it, ‘cause he told her to leave it inside if he didn’t answer.”
“How do you know all this, o’ omnipotent one?” Larry asked.
“’Cause she told me. “ Benny replied with a shit eating grin, playfully punching Larry on the arm.
“Conversation’s a beautiful thing. You oughtta try it sometime."
“Anyway, that ain’t all she told me. If either of you ever are so lucky as to get her into the sack, you might just find out she’s got bigger balls that you.”
“What you mean by that?” Larry said.
Relishing the moment, Benny said, “’Cause of what she saw. Jesus. Gives me the willies just thinkin’ about it.”
“What happened?” Steve asked.
“Well, Benny said, “After knockin’ a few times and calling for Mr. Harmon through the door, she decided to nudge it open a crack, and try again. When she did, two things happened at once: three yowling cats tore by her into the front yard from inside. But she didn’t have time to ponder that, ‘cause then she noticed the smell.”
“Oh, Jeez,” Steve said.
“Yeah,” Benny replied. “The place stunk like an untended gut wagon in August. But that wasn’t the worst. She fished a hanky from her pocket, covered her nose, and went inside to investigate what she was pretty sure she already knew. That’s why I mentioned her havin’ bigger testicles than any of us. No way I’d have gone in there."
“But it was worse than she could have imagined. There in the middle of the living room floor was what was left of old man Harmon. At first, she couldn’t see the body. You see, he had a lot more cats than the three that had just escaped - - twenty-seven in all. And they’d been busy. That creep coroner Evans estimated that the old codger had been dead for at least two weeks. But it was hard to be sure, ‘cause that many starvin’ kitties can do a lot of damage pretty quick.”
“I think I’m gonna puke,” Larry said. “Thanks a lot, asshole.”
“You asked,” Benny said.
Steve shivered. “Yeah, that Evans guy is a creep. Once I was down at my old man’s gas station, and he pulled in. When I went out to service his car, he got out. Jesus. I swear his eyes looked right into me, like he was peeling my skin back, or something.”
“Evans is a weird duck,” Larry added. “My dad says he’s been county coroner for as long as he can remember, but the guy don’t look a day over forty.”
“Must be his lifestyle,” Benny said. “Maybe there’s something therapeutic about havin’ your hands in human goo all day long.”
“You guys are grossin’ me out, Steve said. Changing subjects, he asked, “I wonder what was in that parcel that was so important that old man Harmon wanted it brought inside?”
“Might have something to do with those weird old books he was trying to get his paws on,” Larry said. “My Aunt Tricia’s the head librarian in town. Some time back, she told me the old geezer asked her to make a special search for some rare old books. Naturally, our little piss-ass library didn’t have ‘em, and had never heard of ‘em. She had to do a lot of research, and finally found some university back east in Massachusetts that had ‘em. Even then, all they sent were bits of Zeroxed copies. Later she told me the names. One was something like Un - - Unespresso Kulten, I think.”
“Sounds like a shitty pot of coffee brewed for gang members to me,” Steve said with a
lop-sided grin.
“Yeah,” Benny replied. But he didn’t smile. “Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure I remember the name of one of the other books; it was the Necronomicon. Some really creepy shit,” he said, shivering. “I sneaked a peek at the Zeroxes one afternoon when she was away from her desk. About a week later, she took the stuff home and burned it in her fireplace. When Harmon showed at the library asking about his order sometime later, Aunt Trish lied and told him she couldn’t fill his request.”