| 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The nooses were hung from the rafters with care, In hopes that the fat bastard soon would be there; My brother was nestled all snug in his bed, While visions of blood and exposed guts danced in my head; And mamma in her 'kerchief', and dad in his apparel, Had just born witness to a flash from my barrel, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my seat to see what was the matter. Away to the door I stumbled and stammer, Tore open the screen and picked up my hammer. The moon, which hung high in that dark midnight sky Gave a eerie silver glow to the objects below, When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, But a shiny red sleigh, and eight mangy reindeer, With the fat freak planted firmly in its seat, I knew at that moment that this would be neat. With a flash his reindeers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name; "Now, Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! One by one they would fall from the sky, A quick bullet from my pistol and down they would die. To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! A pile of reindeers there they would fall. Out of the bloody heap he did arise, His whiskers all red and a look of surprise. I looked at the mayhem and with delight on my face, I reached into my pocket and drew out my mace, A quick squirt in his eyes, he did arf scream, My hammer did raise, and down it did cream The fat bastard's nose leapt clean off his dial, A slash of my knife and his fat gut oozed bile. He spoke not a word, but to his knees he did tumble, A boot in his face, and I did mumble, Last year you forgot my bike you sorry fat fuck, And I guess that this year you are all out of luck. I turned from the mess and walked out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night." |
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| The Nightmare Before Christmas A Parody by Cody Craig |