Other Things I Would Do If I Got A Lot of Money

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1.  First, I'm going to build a series of walls and fortifications along the border between Queens county and Nassau County, thus preventing anyone from long island from coming into New York City.  I'm going to hire the last guy who managed the Berlin Wall to come over and run what I hope to call "The Pike Wall"  Than I'm going to build a land bridge from New Jersey to Long Isand.  Thus, all the fans of Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel can finally come together and stop bothering the rest of the country.  This would be equivalent to reforming the land bridge between Alaska and Siberia for all the eskimos on each side.

2.  I would form a new youth organization for boys since the boy scouts suck and just creates a bunch of wimps.  My organization, the Young Norse Raiders would be based on the Vikings.  Instead of learning how to weave shit they would be taught how to rape and pillage villages.  They would build classic Viking ships but fit them with outboard motors and missles and than cross the great lakes to raid Canada, especially Toronto.

3.  I would have these people maimed/ and or killed:  Christina Augliera, Clarence Thomas, Nancy Kerrigan, Ben Affleck for ruining Jennifer Lopez's last album, Phil lucket - the ref that fucked up the music city miracle,  Michael Bolton, the fat ugly girl last sat. night who cock blocked me from her friend and single handidly killed any chance of me getting any action for the first time in what some would term a "year"

4.  Buy all my favorite sports teams:  The Buffalo Bills, The Brewers, LA Clippers and the Buffalo Sabres.  I would also buy the AHL Rochester Amerks and than switch the Sabres and Amerks, pissing everyone in Buffalo off.  The Best part about buying the brewers and clippers is that it will barely cost anything at all.

5.  I would also purchase a majority stake in the Jets and Giants and move them to South Jersey so that there can be no arguement that they are a "New York" team.  I will put a highway that crosses my land bridge and than runs right to wherever the Jets will play.  That way everyone from Long Island has nothing to complain about.

6.  Reopen Genesee Hospital in Rochester and make it the worlds largest VD clinic.  It would be named for Teresa Jones, who wouldn't just be the person who ran it, she'd be a client too.

7.  I would buy St. John's School of Law and secretly close it down.  I would than camp out and wait for all the weiners to show up for their 9 AM monday class so I could just seek the dejected, angry and confused looks on their faces.  I would then laugh real hard, egg them and laugh more.  I might also moon them but I haven't planned that far ahead.

8.  In March 2002 when I drove through Texas to get to South Padre Island there was a sign in Texas that read "Terrorists, Don't Mess With Texas."  I would hire terrorists to mess with Texas.  Than after the terrorists have totally fucked Texas up, because they've actually never been messed with because who actually cares about Texas, I would let them beg me for mercy before I bought their asses and finally sold that bumpkin of a state back to Mexico.

9.  Start lobbying Congress for what I would call "reconstruction 2 - this time we won't fuck it up"  My plan would call for putting all the states that seceded and Utah back into territories.  This time congress isn't going to fuck it up.  The states will be redivided into new areas that are larger so that they have less power in the Senate if they ever get let back into the union.  Also, every major northern victory of the civil war will be some sort of holiday where sourthers will be forced to celebrate.  Why should we do this 150 years after the civil war?  Aren't you tired of the South fucking up presidental elections and the popularity of nascar?  We could kill two birds with one stone here.

10.  Hire 14 and 15 year olds to follow Clader and Mikey around and heckle them.  Clader will probably think it was fun but I bet Mikey gets mad after a day and constantly scowls at them.

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