First, the Pug. Brendan claims Pugsly keeps it real. I'm not sure how a dog keeps it real. I would think that keeping it real for a dog would be to try to escape his house and yard constantly and hump everything in sight. Pugsly physically can't hump anything since he's 8 inches tall and weighs 20 pounds. For those same reasons he can't ever escape our house, but its not like he wants to. All that dog ever does is follow people around whent they have food and pee on the corners of furniture when he somehow manages to get into one of the rooms he's not allowed in. Wiggle Puppy on the otherhand, gets sexually excited whenever she see two people wrestle. Furthermore, Wiggle Puppy and the dog catcher are on a first name basis. In fact, she's been caught so much that he circumvents the whole pound thing and just brings Wiggle Puppy back to our house for a batch of cookies. How can Puglsy keep it real (for being a dog) when he looks like someone genetically spliced the DNA of a fish with a rodent and created a crime against nature?
Next, Pugsly has the hear of a lion? All that glorified rat thinks about is food and sleeping into 11. And when I say food, I don't mean he's chasing squirrels around the yard. I mean he's at the kitchen table trying to get a piece of bacon from someone. Brendan thinks Pugsly has the heart of a lion because he runs to the door barking whenever someone enters or the fact that he tries to constantly punk our Rotteweiler Hanibal. In fact, whenever hanibal tries to eat out of the dog dish, Pugsly will rush over and bark right in his face the whole time he eats. But Pugsly doesn't have the heart of a lion, he has Naploean Syndrome. (i.e. he overcompensates for his short stature.) Whenever Hanibal doesn't think people are around he slams the pug with his paws and pushed him around like he's the pissed off pimp and pugsly and the whore who just fucked up a trick. Occassionaly I'll hear the pug yelp outside. Than I'll look outside to see Hanibal with the pug's head in his mouth, dragging Pugsly around our yard. Or, sometimes Wiggle Puppy gets in on the action and they play tug-o-war with the pug. The pug is no lion. He's just every other greasy, 5'6'' kid from Long Island - he talks alot of shit but can't back it up.
Next, the Wiggle Puppy. Since I have put up a whole section on Wiggle Puppy and writing about how awesome she is would never end, I'll just confront what Brendan has said. First, Wiggle Puppy does walk around the house likes she owns it because she's the alpha dog. Even though she's a girl no dog, no pet and even no person will mess with her. Maybe its because my brother Nate would kill someone if they did, but she can back up anything she ever starts. If there's a piece of food on the ground and another dog is going for it, Wiggle Puppy, I promise you, will always end up with it. Why? Well a partial explanation for that is in what Brendan referred to as "mixed breed bitch" His statement is technically true, but I normally don't refer to her as that. Wiggle Puppy, while being female is a mixed dog who was born somewhere in New York City to a mother who was a boxer. From the vets, and plethora of poor people I have talked to, she's also part Pit Bull. Thus, even if you're a Rotteweiller you don't fuck with a dog that is comprised of two breeds that can deliver death.
Here are just a couple of quick reasons why Wiggle Puppy is the best dog ever, not just the best dog in Pike household: She cuddles and spoons, she hangs out and watched TV or you play video games, she listens to my mom just about as much as my brothers and I do - but she listens to us more, she use to (i wish she still did) run and try to play with girls when they came over to our house - by play i mean jump up and try to bite them (playfully). Because girls would either just stop or turn around to protect themselves, Wiggle Puppy bit what ever was haning ot the most - either their boobs or their ass. Wiggle Puppy is also a very vocal dog with several different barks, whines and growls she used to convery whatever she means, she can jump over fences, climb fences, jump up on our kitchen counter top and onto the tops of minivans, and finally, if I ever get my dog christmas card together - she would be the perfect Virgin Mary.
For the reasons stated above, Brendan's opinion on Wiggle Puppy is reversed and vacated. Pugsly is found to be a useless load of crap and Brendan is hereby sentenced to never get a cool dog in his life. It is so ordered.