The Love-Hate Relationship You Have With Yourself:

"I have accomplished so much. Why don't I feel more proud of myself?" Without self-esteem, you will experience varying degrees of anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt.

You can be loved by your family, mate and friends, yet not love yourself. You can be admired by your associates, yet regard yourself as worthless. You can project an image of assurance and poise that fools virtually everyone, yet secretly tremble with a sense of inadequacy.

You can fulfill the expectations of others, yet fail your own. You can win every honor, yet feel you have accomplished nothing; you can be adored by millions, yet wake up each morning with a sickening sense of emptiness.

To attain "success" without developing self-esteem is to feel like an imposter anxiously awaiting exposure.

The acclaim of others does not create self-esteem. Neither do material possessions, marriage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors, sexual conquests or face lifts. These things can sometimes make you feel better about yourself temporarily, or more comfortable in particular situations, but comfort is not self-esteem.

Nurturing relationships are preferable to toxic ones. But to look to others as a primary source of your self-esteem is dangerous: First, because it doesn't work; and second, because you run the risk of becoming a "need-for-approval" addict, which is deadly to mental and emotional well-being.

Since we are social beings, some measure of esteem from others is necessary. But to tie your self-assessment to the good opinion of others is to place yourself at their mercy in the most humiliatiing way. The desire to "please" (and to avoid disapproval) can lead you to do things that betray your self-esteem. And what are you to do when there are two persons whose esteem you desire, so that to gain the approval of one person, is to risk the disapproval of another?

Persons with troubled self-esteem are often uncomfortable in the presence of high self-esteem people, and may even feel resentful and declare, "They are too snobbish."

Low self-esteem persons often feel irritable in the presence of people who are enthusiastic about life. If one partner in a marriage, whose self-esteem is deteriorating, sees that the other partner's self-esteem is growing, the response is sometimes anxiety, and an attempt to put them down.

The sad truth is, whoever is successful in this world runs the risk of being a target. People of low achievement often envy and resent people of high achievement. Those who are unhappy often envy and resent those who are happy.

Having worked for over thirty years with persons who are unhappily preoccupied with the opinions of others, I am persuaded that the most effective means of gaining self-esteem is learning to think for yourself.

Self-esteem is what you think and feel about yourself, not what someone else thinks or feels about you.

One of the ways self-esteem is acquired is by thinking idependently when it may not be easy to do so, when it may even be frightening, when you may even have feelings of uncertainty and insecurity.

You may not enjoy being alienated from the thinking and beliefs of those around you, especially those you respect and love, but one the most important manifestations of self-esteem is the willingness to tolerate aloneness.

Where we see self-esteem, we see behavior that is consistent with the individual's professed values, convictions and beliefs.

We see persons who live mindfully. They are committed to the conviction that you can be in control of your own life--the refusal to accept helplessness.

When you believe in ways that conflict with your judgments of what is appropriate, you lose face in your own eyes. You respect yourself less. If this becomes habitual, you trust yourself less--or cease to trust yourself at all.

It is impressive to see a person who has been battered by life in many ways, who is torn by a variety of unsolved problems, yet who is still fighting, still struggling, still striving to find the path to a more fulfilling existence, moved by the wisdom of knowing, "I am more than my problems."

Children who survive extremely adverse childhoods have learned a particular survival strategy. I call it "strategic detachment". This is not the withdrawal from reality that leads to psychological distrubance, but rather an intuitively calibrated disengagement from noxious aspects of their family life or other aspects of their world. They somehow know, this is not all there is. They hold the belief that a better alternative exists somewhere, and that some day they will find their way to it. They somehow know Mother is not all women, Father is not all men, this family does not exhaust the possibilities of human relationships--there is life beyond this neighborhood. This does not spare them suffering at the time it's happening, but it allows them not to be destroyed by it, and helps them not to be stuck there.

Pride is the explicity conscious pleasure you take in yourself because of your actions and achievements. Pride contemplates what has been accomplished and says, "I did". Self-esteem contemplates what needs to be done and says, "I can".

Pride and self-esteem have nothing in common with bragging, boasting, or arrogance. They are not out to "prove" but to enjoy.

Pride and self-esteem are the emotional rewards of achievement. They are not vices to be overcome, but values to be attained.

Person of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves appear superior to others; they do no seek to prove their value by comparing themselves with others. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else.

Here are some simple ways in which self-esteem manifests itself. To test yourself, put a check mark beside the statement that matches your description, being as honest as you can. (Your first thought is usually the most accurate.) The more check marks you have, of course, the higher your self-esteem. But whatever your score, you can raise your opinion of yourself dramatically.

• Your face, manner, way of talking and moving project the pleasure you take in being alive.
• There is ease in talking of your accomplishments or shortcomings with directness and honesty.
• You are comfortable with giving and receiving compliments, expressions of affections and appreciation.
• You are open to criticism, and comfortable about acknowledging mistakes because your self-esteem is not tied to an image of "perfection".
• Your words and movements have a quality of ease and spontaneity.
• There is harmony between what you say and do.
• You have curiosity about new ideas, new experiences, new possibilities of life.
• When you have feelings of anxiety or insecurity, they do not intimidate or overwhelm you.
• You enjoy the humor in life, a spirit of inventiveness and playfulness.
• You feel comfortable with assertive (not belligerent) behavior in yourself and others.
• You are able to preserve a quality of harmony and dignity under conditions of stress.
• You are relaxed in the presence of others. Chronic tension conveys a message that some aspect of your self is being disowned or held on a very tight leash.
• Your eyes are alert, bright and lively.
• Your face is relaxed.
• Your jaw is relaxed.
• Your shoulders are relaxed, yet erect.
• Your hands are relaxed, graceful and quiet.
• Your arms hang in a relaxed, natural way.
• Your posture is relaxed, erect, well-balanced.
• Your walk is purposeful (without being aggressive and overbearing).
• Your voice is modulated with an itensity appropriate to the situation, and with clear enunciation.

Self-esteem is one of the guardians of mental health. Where we see self-esteem, we see self-acceptance, but to be self-accepting does not mean to be without a wish to change, improve, evolve. It means not to deny the reality of what is true of yourself right now, at this moment of your existence.

You need to remember that you are not a static, finished entity, but an evloving, creating, creature who is continually unfoldig your potentialities. You always contain within yourself the possibility of change. You need never be a prisoner of your choices of yesterday.

Page © 1997-2004 Wild Angel

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