| The Dating Game Written by Duk Sauce |
| EPISODE 1 : KELADRY A dark stage. On one side of a large, flowery screen sit three young gentlemen. On the other, sit a teenaged girl. The lights come on, graphics appear on your television screen. It's.... THE DATING GAME! That's right Ladies, and Genltmen, the Dating Game. I, your host, Skippy McPeanutbutter, would luuuuv to intorduce you to today's lovely lady. Please welcome..... Keladry of Mindelan!!!! (the audience claps wildly) Now, Kel will have three fine young men to choose from today. Will it be... Bachelor Number One! The messy haired, older scholar who enjoys reading and ironic remarks. Or, Bachelor Number Two! The large, red haired scamp who's turn ons are Lady Knights and freckles. But maybe, Bachelor Number Three! The icy boy who has an odd affliction for younger women. Ok! Now that you've met the canidates, it's time to play... THE DATING GAME!!! Now then, Kel, please ask your first question. Kel: Um, Bachelor Number One.... Tell me, in your sexiest voice, where you would most like to take me for out first date. B1: (fakes a cheesy french accent) Well, My Dahleeng, first I would tek yoo on a moonlit walk aloong a desserted beach. Then, we wuld retire to my rooms at the palace for a little wine....perhaps more. Kel: Ok then.... Bachelor Number Three, same question. B3: (Doesn't even try to disguise his voice.) Unlike the unimaginative Bachelor Number One, I would take you on a night-time ride, deep into the forest, to my special place, where we would spend the evening talking, and maybe even fall asleep together under the stars. Kel: Aw, that's sweet. (makes gagging noises) Bachelor Number Two. If you could be any article of clothing on my body right now, what would it be and why? B2: Mithros-I mean...Your hose, because I like to keep my lady's legs warm in the winter time. (makes a cat purring noise) Kel: Wow. (blinks) Bachelor Number Three, how would you respond to that? B3: I would be your breastband beca- Kel: That's enough of that. Bachelor Number One... Name three items you would take with you if you were stranded on a deserted island. B1: Lessee.... you, some sexy music, and a blanket....because I hate getting sand in ahem, uncomfortable places. Kel: Whoa, too much information there. Bachelor Number Two, if you could kill either of the other two contestants right now, which one would it be and why? B2: For you, my precius flower, I would kill entire armies. Kel: (sighs) Could you just choose one. B2: Oh, all right....I guess Number Three over here...he's lookin' at me cross-eyed. Kel: Bachelor Number Three, whatta bout you? B3: Number One, because once he called me gay...the little bastard! (begins to get up so he can kill him right then, but a couple of stagehands stop him) Skip: Ok, Kel, last Question. Make it a good one. Kel: Ok, a short one, for all three contestants. If you could be anything in the world, what would it be? B1: A Knight. B2: Your Number One Honey, Babydoll. B3: A Supermodel. (the other two contestants stare at Bachelor Number Three) B3: What? Skip: Ok, that was...really wierd. Now's the time of the show Kel, when you get to pick who you will go on your Fabulous Weekend Getaway with! Will it be, Bachelor Number One, Bachelor Number Two, or Bachelor Number Three? Kel: I pick..... Bachelor Number Two!!!! (Bachelor Number Two pumps his fist in the air and the other two slump down in their ultra cheesey directors chairs.) B2: Yes, yes I won!!!! Whoo HOO!!!! Skip: Ok then, let's meet the other two Bachelors you didn't pick. Bachelor Number One is...Neal, that's right Neal, probably your best friend for eight years. Come on out Neal! (Neal comes out, looking tragic and depressed. In a last act of defiance he sweeps Kel up in a viscious hug and refuses to let go until he is dragged off by two large stagehands.) Skip: You also didn't pick Bachelor Number Three. He was your enemy for three years...it's the guy everyone luvs to hate. Joren, get out here! (Joren walks out, dignified to the end, and passes by Kel as if she was not even there.) Skip: And now, the moment we've all been waiting for, let's meet the mysterioud Bachelor Number Two. He's big, He's tall, and He Loves you to death, yes it's Cleon! (Cleon runs out and throws himself at Kel, who tries not to be suffocated by the large man. But, she does look pretty happy with her choice.) Skip: Finally, let's see where you two will be going for your Fabulous Weekend Getaway! (A screen drops down, covered with a red velvet cloth. Skip yanks it off to reveal....) Skip: An island vacation to Yamani!!!! (The audience claps and Cleon and Kel jump about and squeal) Skip: That's just about it for this episode of the Dating Game. Next week out contestant will be... Numair Samalin! Tune in to see if he chooses, Bachelorette Number One, Bachelorette Number Two, or Bachelorette Number Three! Goodnight Folks! (The lights dim as Kel and Cleon walk off, hand in hand. Skip, on the other hand, walks off the stage with Joren, also hand in hand. Oh well.) |
| EPISODE II : NUMAIR Skip: Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, to another fun-filled edition of... THE DATING GAME! I am your host, Skippy McPeanutbutter, but of course you know my name by now. Just call me Skip. Anyway, our contestant this week is none other than that black robed mage, Numair Samalin! Give him a hand folks... (wild applause)(Numair sits in the chair and fidgets nervously) Now then, lets meet the lovely Bachelorettes that he has to coose from today... Bachelorette Number One, a blond, vivacious sex kitten, who has a slight history of sleeping around. Bachelorette Number Two, a brown haired, blue/gray eyed gal who luuuuvs animals. Or Bachelorette Number Three, a mystery woman, with a deep voice and an, ahem, husky figure. Now then, on with the show! Numair, you can begin your questioning whenever you like. Numair: (fusses with his hair and rearranges his question cards, clears his voice, then begins) Um, Bachelorette Number Two...If you could go anywhere right now, where would it be. B2: Straight to your bed, handsome. (she blushes) Numair: (blushes as well) All right then...Bachelorette Number One, same question. B1: Um, she stole my answer. Numair: Eh, yeah. Bachelorette Number Three, who is your hero? B3: RuPaul... (the other two stare at him...her?...him/her) Numair: (blanches) Bachelorette Number One, tell me what you like to sleep in. B1: A bed, duh. (twirls some blond hair around on a finger) Numair: No I mean... what do you....oh nevermind. Bachelorette Number Three, your answer? Although, I'm quite afraid of what you're going to say. B3: Oh, I like to wear a little frilly pink night gown, with roses on it and lilies.... (oh, come on, that voice is definetely male) Numair: That's enough. Bachelorette Number Two? B2: As little as possible. (Numair is obviously beginning to get...um....excited. A stage hands comes on and pours a bucket of cold water over his head) Numair: Brr... All right then. Bachelorette Number One, what's your favorite book? B1: Ooooo, it's either all the Harry Potters, or anything with Fabio on the cover. Numair: (looks like he is going to throw up) Bachelorette Number Two, same question. B2: Oh, anything about animals. (a sheep bahhs) Shhh...be quiet CottonBall. Numair: (raises an eyebrow) Bachelorette Number Three, what is your worst fear? B3: Um, trying to fit into these new spiked heels I just bought, ya see they're a bit too small, and they might give me blisters.... Numair: Bacherlorette Number One? B1: Breaking a nail of course! Skip: Last Question Numair. Numair: Bachelorette Number Two? B2: Bachelorette Number Three. (edges away from the scary man/woman person) Numair: Yeah, me too. Skip: Yes, I think we're all afraid of Bachelorette Number Three at this moment, but despite that fact, the questioning is over. It is now time for you, Numair, to choose which one of these pretty...um...girls you would like to take with you on your Fabulous Weekend Getaway! Numair: I'll pick....Bachelorette Number Two!!!! B2: (Sighs in relief) (B1 flirts with a stage hand, and B3 looks seriously depressed) Skip: Ok, let's meet and greet, who you didn't pick. Bachelorette Number One is none other than...Varice! Varice, sweety, come on out here. (They cannot get Varice to come out, because unfortunately, she has run off with a stagehand. Oh well. Bachelorette Number Three, I think everyone is anxious to see who you are, come on out! (Lord Wyldon, dressed as a very cheap looking hooker, prances out in high heels and a feather boa, arms out-stretched, ready to embrace Numair. Numair leaps into Skip's arms and sits their wailing and trembling, until Lord Wyldon can be persuaded to leave the stage. Skip dumps Numair onto the floor) That was really really scary, don't you think folks? Next time, I think we'll include phsyicals on those application forms. Now, Numair, it's time to meet you date. Bachelorette Number Two is...Daine! Numair: (jumps up and down) YES Yes yes! (Daine runs out and tackles Numair to the ground. They begin to wildly make-out. It takes two stagehands and a crowbar to seperate them) Skip: Don't you two want to know where your Fabulous Weekend Getaway will take you? Numair: Yup! Daine: Sure! Skip: I thought so. This week's Fabulous Weekend Getaway is... A two-day cruise on the emerald sea! You will sail in style with your own private cook, massuse, and maid. Lord Wyldon: Guess who! (comes out with a chef hat, a bottle of baby oil, and a french maid outfit on) Daine and Numair: Nooooo!!!!!! Skip: I'm afraid that's all the time we have folks. Next week's contestant, Roger of Conte! He's back from the dead, and sexier than ever. Now if you'll excuse me folks, I'm going to go have a bottle of scotch. (The lights dim, and your screen goes blank) |
| EPISODE III : ROGER (A little man comes out onto the Dating Game stage. He is dressed in a lime green tuxedo with a magenta frill on the coat [Note: It's not Lord Wyldon ^.~] and clears his throat nervously) Man: Um... It seems that your regular host, Skippy McPeanutbutter has "come down with something" (as he says those last few words, he tips his hand up as if drinking from an invisible cup) and will not be able to host this week's show, maybe not next week's either. Anywho, they sent me in. Oh, yeah, I'm Nomar Charles Louis Steven Gormenghast. You can call me Nomi, or Charlie, or Stevie, or even Gormy if ya want. So them, let's get on with it, shall we? Welcome to this week's edition of... THE DATING GAME! Gormy: This week we have, for our contestant, Roger of Conte...Yes folks, they ressurected him just to do this show. (rolls eyes) Anyway, it seems that since his cohorts have been, um, seperated, he needs to find a new woman. Well, we're the show to do that for 'im! Now, onto our three lovely Bachelorettes. We have... Bachelorette Number One... A Red-Headed noblewoman of Tortall, who's only good when she's bad. Bachelorette Number Two...A (cough) young woman who looks oddly a bit like our contestant... And Bachelorette Number Three...Another Red Head, who's pet peeves are Roger, and Conservatives. Can opposites really attract? That's it, youve met the ladies, now on with the show! Roger, go on ahead. Roger: Ahem. Foxy Lady Number One, what is your weapon of choice? B1 (FL1?): Hum... I guess my knockout figure. 36-24-36 baby. Roger: (starts to drool) Foxy Lady Number Three? FL3: Yeah, whaddaya want, you bastard? Roger: Um, answer the question. FL3: I'd rather come over there and run you through with my sword! (is about to jump up to do so, but stops when she realizes she doesn't have her sword with her) Roger: Ha ha, you answered my question anyway! Ok then. Foxy Lady Number Two, what is your weapon of choice. FL2: Oh, Rogey dear, you know I could never hurt a fly. Why don't you come visit me anymore? I miss you and you never write and you never call...I could die in a couple of years you know! Roger: (sortof recognizes the voice) Um, Foxy Lady Number Three, how many men have you slept with? FL3: Well, let's see, there was him, ooo then that guy in the desert, and the guy on that trip....then that dashing man in Corus...About 134. Roger: Wow. Foxy Lady Number One, how about you? FL1: 1,247. Roger: Mithros. Foxy Lady Number Two, how many men have you slept with? FL2: Now listen here young man, I never want to hear such filth come out of your mouth! Don't make me come over there and spank you! Roger: (Sort of turned on) Uh, now then. Foxy Lady Number One, if you had a choice to spend your afternoon sewing, dancing, or plotting to take over the world, which would you rather do? FL1: Oooo the last one definetely. Roger: All right, that's the kinda thing I like to hear. Foxy Lady Number Three, what kind of man would you describe as your "type"? FL3: Not you, you writhing scumbag. Roger: Heh, a feisty one. Foxy Lady Number Two, what is your "type" of man? FL2: Oh, I like an old fashion gentlemen, who will hold the door open for me, and take me to the Early Bird Special at the eating houses. Why, there was this one time in Tyra, when... Roger: Enough (falling asleep) Foxy Lady Number One, if I came on to you "heavily" on the first date, what would you say/do? FL1: I'd say, bring it on baby! Roger: (looking more and more like he's going to pick this girl) Foxy Lady Number Two, if you could have any man in the world all to yourself, who would it be? FL2: Oh, I don't know...maybe that nice old carpenter from my home village, you know he always smiled at me when I used to ask him for more spare wood for the shed my father was building in the back of our old house... Roger: (totally asleep now. a stagehand pokes him with a cattleprod, and Roger is electricuted back into the world of the awake.) Wha?!? Huh! Ow! FL2: Young man, are you listening to me. Roger: Never was. Foxy Lady Number Three... Gormy: May I remind you Roger, that this will be your last question of the evening. Roger: Oh all right, peasant. Anyway, Foxy Lady Number Three, what is your favorite specatator sport. FL3: Mud Wrestling. Roger (snort) Big surprise. FL3: Why you little... Gomry: Stop right there, no further conversing. Roger, it is now time for you to choose which lucky lady will accompany you on your fabulous weekend getaway! Roger: Hey, didn't the other guy used to capitalize that? Gormy: Yes, but I'm not the other guy. Choose DAMMIT! Roger: All right, all right, don't get yer knickers in a twist. Because her dominatrix act really turned me on...I choose Foxy Lady Number Two! (the audience laughs hysterically, and Roger looks about dejectedly) Gormy: Ok, you have made your decision, there's no going back now. Now, let's meet the two ladies that you didn't pick. Foxy- I mean, Bachelorette Number One, please reveal yourself! (Delia of Eldorne struts out, wearing nothing but a cotton robe, and as Roger looks on hngrily, she actually does reveal herself to him! Closing the robe, she walks off stage in a huff, while Roger drops to his knees and begins to wail) Gormy: Goddess, some people taking things WAY too literally. Bachelorette Number Three, please come out! (Alanna comes out, storms across the stage, picks Roger up off the floor, spins him around like a top and hurtles him into one of the flowery backdrops that are part of the stage. She then smiles happily and walks away whistling. Gormy picks Roger up out of the pile of backdrop, stands him up and dusts him off) Gormy: That was interesting. Now, finally, Bachelorette Number Two, come on out here, por favor! (slowly, painfully, a woman begins to walk out from behind the curtain. Roger tries to look optimistic, but after Delia he just can't muster it. The woman rounds the wall....it is a decrepit old woman with stark white hair and rumpled old clothes, heavily leaning on a wooden staff) Roger: Granma, NO!!!!!!!! Granma: Rogey honey, give your Granny a kiss! Roger: Ahhh!!!!!!!!! Runs right through a brick wall, leaving a comical man-shaped opening, and takes to the hills. Granma "chases" after him slowly, all the while grumbling about "The young whippersnappers of today") Gormy: That just goes to show ya folks, ya never know what's going to happen on... THE DATING GAME G'night, and join us next week when we'll welcome Onua to the show. I think I'll just go catch up with Delia... (straightens his suit and strides off the stage. Granma is still "running" after Roger when your screen goes blank) A/N: Ahhahahahahahahaha. Just wanted to say, er, ask, is Delia of Eldorne's hair red, or did I just make that up out of my little mind? I think it was, but it's been a while since I read The Lioness Quartet, and the ol' memory's a little rusty, if you know what I mean. Hope ya'll like! Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to take Roger's Granny home, she's a bit worn out from her two meter "chase" after Roger ^_^ 'Night folks! |
| ^_^ I love it! Let's watch EPISODE IV!! ^_^ |