Miss Tortall Written by Avadriz

Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Hermione and Ron belongs to 'Harry Potter' and J.K. Rowling. All other characters belongs to Tamora Pierce. (but the plot's mine). And the Miss Tortall comp. is based on Miss United States. Welcome to the very first Miss Tortall!!! Let's welcome our host, Lord Wyldon!! (Lord Wlydon walkes on stage) Lord Wyldon: Hello, everyone, welcome to Miss Tortall competition. This is certainly going to be a wonderful night, with our gorgeous contestants....... (In the Audience) Neal: Hey, how come he's the host? I thought it was gonna be the king. Cleon: I heard that they changed it, 'cause they were afraid that the king might be biased and say not so pleasant comments to the other contestants. King Jonathon, who is sitting not very far from the two, overhears their conversation and whispers to himself: If this is the reason why they didn't let me be the host, I'm going to take actions of revenge very soon. Just think, this wonderful chance to kiss each of the gorgeous ladies with a perfectly good reason and without offending anyone - gone!!!! Errrr.............. (Back on stage) Lord Wyldon, who is enjoying his role greatly: Now, ladies and gentlemen, let's welcome our judges!! I would also like to ask all of you to make them feel welcome, for to prevent any types of bribe, blackmail, or just plain bias-ness, the great mage Numair Salamin had volunteered to use his magic to invite a few important people from another realm to be here tonight!!! (audience claps and cheers) Numair: (mutters under his breath) Yep sure, I volunteered to do it!! - after receiving a blackmail from the Miss Tortall Organising Committee. Lord Wyldon: Would you all make them feel welcome - Mr Harry Potter, Miss Hermione Granger, and Mr Ron Weasley!!!! (Audience claps and cheers. Harry, Hermione and Ron smiles politely.) Ron, whispering to Harry: Um, what exactly is going on? Harry, whispering back excitedly: I think we have been invited to judge a beauty pageant. Ron: A beauty pageant!! Wow!! ...but how did we get here in the first place?..oh! and where on earth is this place? (Harry shrugs) Hermione, who had just overheard Ron's question: that was a extremely powerful spell, and I believe, and only a extremely - and I mean extremely - powerful mage could have done it! That great mage Numair Salamin is probably the most powerful mage ever!!! And as to where we are, they had just said that this is the Miss Tortall competition didn't they? That must mean we're in a place called Tortall!! (Harry and Ron looks at her in wonder) (Back on Stage, Lord Wyldon has continued with his speech) Lord Wyldon: Now Ladies and Gentlemen, some of the contestants today you will know very well, including to queen and the King's Champion, the Lioness. But, there are also some which you may not know very well, and you must all keep in mind that this is a FAIR competition and we wish not to discourage any one. In order to do this, we will need your co-operation. You would all please ensure that you clap for the same amount of time and the same volume for every one of the contestants? Thankyou very much. Oh yes, also would you please.......... (in the Audience) Faleron: when, in the name of Mithros, is he going to stop talking nonsense and get on with the competition?!!! Neal: don't get worked up, you're just wasting your energy. Cleon: yeah, have you ever seen the Stump stop doing anything just because one of his squires are angry? Joren: hey you guys, be quiet, I think he's almost finished. (the three shut up immediately, but only to hear...) (back on stage) Lord Wyldon: Now, would you please make sure that you have a smile on your face, and keep that smile the same for every one of the contestants. Let's welcome - (all audiences waiting for the name of the first contestant) Lord Wyldon: Oops!!! I forgot something, now would you please make sure..... (groans from around the audience as Lord Wyldon goes on and on and on) ~~~~~(five Minutes laters)~~~~~~ Lord Wyldon: Here's our first contestant, would you make her feel welcome, Miss...... Suddenly the place where our three judges had been sitting exploded with a loud "Bang!", sending clouds of smoke everywhere. When the smoke finally cleared, the judges were gone, and sitting in their seats, were Numair Salamin, the greatest mage in the world; Jonathon of Conte, King of Tortall; and George Cooper, King of the Thieves, each with a dazzling smile on their face. "So," said Numair in a deep voice, "how'd ya like that?" "Um..." Lord Wyldon was a bit lost. "Poor guy. Look what you've done Numair, you've frightened him." commented George. Numair laughed. "OK, this is enough!" said Jon in his most commanding voice. "Lord Wyldon, get on with the competition immediately. The three of us will be judges." Poor Wyldon was too scared to argue. As a matter of fact, he was on the verge of crying. Trying very hard to keep his voice steady: "Would you all please welcome, Miss Alanna of Trebond and Olau!!" Audience clapped and cheered, as a beautiful Alanna, dressed in a gown of purple silk - which matched her purple eyes perfectly - walked on. Suddenly a loud cry came from the Judges Stand. "How could you!!! How could you introduce my dear Alanna wrong!!! Look what you have done!! Oh great Mithros, relieve me from this pain!!" George had his head buried in his arms, looking just as painful as he sounded. "Oh shut up, you crap!" said Alanna, "you're spoiling my image!" "Hey," Jonathon stood up, looking ready to defend his friend, "how can you say that?" "yeah, he's only spoiling his own image" added Numair, "well", answered Alanna, "everyone knows that he's my husband, so if -" "you two a married!!" exclaimed audience Alanna stared back blankly. "we thought you guys were only having an affair!!!" continued audience "me too, " added Lord Wyldon, "and I almost forgot that too, since you were away that often." "Basically, " said Numair, finishing off the whole damn conversation, "if you didn't mention it, no one knew that you had a connection with George. "OH GREAT GODDESS!" Alanna faints. "NO! MY DEAR ALANNA!" cried George, bursting into tears. "calm down George, she only fainted." comforted Jon. Numair suddenly remembered something. "What were you going on about before?" George looked up. "He introduced my dearie Alanna wrong. It's suppose to be Mrs Cooper of Pirate's Swoop." Everyone faints including Jon and Numair (and of course Lord Wyldon). ~~~~~~~~~10 Hours later~~~~~~ Lord Wyldon has just changed his outfit to keep up with the new “look”. He is now wearing a bright red armour, with green pants (*how disgusting is that! but anyway, it suits his character*). The first contestant Miss (or Mrs) Alanna has recovered and is now standing beautiful at one end of the stage. "Now, would you please put your hands together, for Miss Keladry of MIndelan!!!!" Audience claps and cheers. Jon, Numair and George nods politely towards her. Neal and Cleon suddenly jumps up and does the Tarzan roar. "GO KEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screams Neal. "MY PEARL, ALL GROWN UP AND COMPETITING, FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Cleon "I love you KEL!!!!!!!!!" screams Neal "my Love you rock!!!" cried Cleon "Kel, wait for me" Neal suddenly starts running towards to stage. Cleon, not knowing what he was up to, follows. Neal runs up the stage and kiss Kel. Cleon, amazed, does the same thing and kisses Kel. Kel, suddenly realising what was happening, punches the two of them and they roll down the stage in pain. "Oh, Kel, how can you do this to me!" screamed Neal. "Oh my darling, please save me from the fires of hell." cried Cleon Blazes of light shone suddenly from Numair's hands and the two are immediately silent. "Well, miss Keladry, " said Lord Wyldon, a bit out of breath from the shock, "we can see that you are very popular, aren't you?" "Of course, being the only girl among a group of boys does have it's advantages." answered Kel, now with her Yamani face back on. (back stage) Back stage, where all other contestants are waiting, Thayet had been listening to what was going on on stage while everyone else was getting ready. She had always been very sure of her looks and this time, she was determined to win the competition by her "natural beauty". Overhearing what Kel said, she laughed. "the poor little girl have absolutely got no clue what an advantage is" she thought to herself, "being married to the King, and always flirting with Dukes and Barons is a TRUE advantage." (on Stage) "Kel, tell us a bit about yourself. What do you like and who are your heroes?" asked Lord Wyldon, trying to start a bit of conversation with Keladry, who, with the help of a beautiful gown and paint, had transformed herself into a lady. "Well, basically, I like spaghetti bolognaise, chocolate, Coke and carrot cake. My heroes are, apart from the Lioness and the King, Harry Potter and Batman." kel answered casually. (*all right, i know this is really weird, but i am feeling really, really weird at the moment, so no flames please. Anyway, since communication between different countries are so important these days, why shouldn't they be communicating between Realms?*) "So you say that like Batman?" asked Lord Wyldon, who had suddenly became interested. "yes" "so what would you if Batman was standing in front of you?" "um, I'm not sure" "would you kiss him?" " i suppose so" Upon hearing this. Lord Wyldon immediately turned towards the audience. "Thankyou for watching The very first Miss Tortall competition. We'll be right back - after a short break." ----------30 minutes later ------------ WELCOME BACK TO MISS TORTALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (audiences clap) LET'S WELCOME OUR HOST, LORD WYLDON !!!!!!!!! Lord Wyldon comes running across the stage, his shirt unbuttoned, a batman costume in his hands. Behind him are Cleon and Neal. "Stop there, you Stump!!" "Yeah, give the Batman costume to me!" "no, to me!" "no, me!" "me!" "Me!" "YOU TWO CAN BOTH SHUT UP AND STOP CHASING ME 'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA GIVE IT TO ANYBODY!!!!" "then what are you going to do with it?" asked Neal, puzzled. "OF COURSE I AM GOING TO WEAR IT MYSELF!" screamed a very angry Lord Wyldon. "But you can't" said Cleon "Why?" "because Kel's going to kiss me!" Cleon answered. "no she's not, Kel's gonna kiss me." said Neal, "But hey Wyldon, he's right, you can't wear it" "And why is that?" "Well, it's simple, you're too fat!" "ARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" screamed Wyldon, "I can't take it any longer. Everyone hates, Numair scares me, my students insults me, and my beloved Kel won't even defend me!!!!" (Lord Wyldon bursts out crying) "I quit! I QUIT!" Lord Wyldon stomps out, crying uncontrollably. The Miss Tortall competition immediately became a place of chaos (again) while The Miss Tortall Organising Committee try to sort everything out and find a new host to replace Lord Wyldon. ----------10 hours later ----------- The audiences have finally settled to their seats and Miss Alanna and Miss Keladry are standing next to each other at one end of the stage. Everyone is waiting patiently for the announcement of the new host. The moment finally came. "After lots of discussion", a voice boomed, "The Miss Tortall Organising Committee have finally decided on a new host. Would you all please put your hands together, for FAITHFUL!!!" Gasps were heard from all around the audience. (At the Judges Stand) "Why on earth would they get a dead cat to host a beauty pagent?" asked Jon. "Hey, don't insult Faithful. Alanna loves him!" defended George, who had fully recovered from the incident with Alanna. "I'm not insulting Faithful, I'm just curious." retorted Jon, "But I'm glad that you have finally realised that Alanna doesn't love you..." "What do ya mean by that?" asked George, who is becoming not very happy at all. "I mean that Alanna loves Faithful, not you. That's all." "Huh, yeah right!" George was getting very angry, "I bet you're trying to suggest that Alanna loves you!!!!!!!!!! You idotic airhead." "Repeat that again" Jon said that with a threatening look. Unfortunately, George was already too worked up to notice. "You and that wife of yours, a true slut, and a bitch - exactly like a prostitute, except for the fact that she doesn't take money. I must say, you too are just made for each other, 'CAUSE YOU BOTH CHEAT ON EACH OTHER ANYWAY!!!!!!!!" George pratically screamed the last part out, so that everyone could here it - including everyone backstage, and unfortunately for him, that includes Thayet as well. -------------------------------------- (on stage) Faithful walks on the stage in a purple robe. Alanna saw this and immediately became unhappy for it clashed with her gown (which was purple as well). "You really had to pick that colour didn't you," Alanna muttered under her breath. "Of course I had to pick this colour, DEAR Alanna, it matches the colour of my eyes perfectly." answered Faithful, but in a volume about a hundred times louder. Loud enough for everyone to hear. And, being loyal to their new host, the audience burst out laughing. It was not after laughing five minutes when they realised the fact that they couldn't stop laughing *A/N: if you would like to go into this in detail, you might like to read my fic Pointless Laughing* Anyway, they all found that they just couldn't stop laughing. ~~~~~~~~~~So they kept on laughing for three hours ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Numair, our great mage, has finally worked out a spell to stop everyone laughing. *A/N: damn, they can't laugh happily ever after*. But unfortunately, Jonathon and George, our dear kings, refused to have to spell conducted on them. "But King Jonathon, I can't leave you laughing like this!" exclaimed Numair. "But..hehe...of course...hehe...you can!!...hehe" Jonathon managed to say. "But..." "hehe...no...hehe...buts...hehe" "oh fine!" Numair gave up on Jonathon and turned to George. "Com'on George, set a good example" "set...hehe...a good...hehe...example?...hehe...no..hehe...way....hehehe...i'm the...hehe...king of...-" "Felons and criminals." finished off Alanna. George stood up in anger. "How...hehe...dare you...hehehe...damned...hehe...bitch....hehehe...say that...about me!!!....hehehe." The expression George had on his face was very hard to describe - but I'm going to try anyway. Firstly, imagine a Ninja Turtle (preferebly your favourite one). Make him very happy, and take a picture of him. Then, make him very angry, and take another picture of him. Finally combine the two pictures together, and you arrive at what George Cooper looked like in his mad attempt to insult Alanna. Anyway, before Alanna had a chance to answer, Faithful interrupted. "Ok guys, do you want to get on with beauty pageant thing or not. I mean, Mithros invited me over for tea yesterday, and I refused just for you. So if you don't want to get on, then I'm not staying here wasting my time!" A half-crazy Numair, upon hearing this, immediately conducted the spell on Jon and George. "Look you two. I don't care what you want and who you are. I want to get on with the competition 'cose my darling Daine is gonna come out soon. So you two better shut yourselves up!!!!!" he roared. Jon and George suddenly knew what Lord Wyldon felt like when Numair and George first tormented him. They were scared and on the verge of crying. All they managed to do was nod. Numair let out a sign of relief and sat down back in his seat, and gave Faithful the 'ok' signal. "Ladies and gentlemen, will you put your hands together for, Miss Daine!!!" Everyone clapped as Daine walked in and Numair started conducting some spells. First there was a spell which tripled the volume of the applause - that went pretty successful. Next there was a spell which produces indoor fireworks, which ended up setting Faithful's tail on fire. To put out the fire, Numair decided to do a rain-summoning spell. It certainly fulfilled its purpose, but got everyone else dripping wet as well. In an attempt to keep himself dry, Numair lost control of the rain and it developed into a thunderstorm, which, after about five minutes, managed to electrocute Owen with one of its lighting bolts. In his is mad reaction to the electrocution, Owen grabbed on to Cleon, who grabbed on to Neal, who grabbed on to Faleron, who managed to get hold of George, who grabbed Jonathon, who finally grabbed on to Numair. If any of you haven't taken enough science lessons yet, I would like to inform you that water conducts electricity, and you might remember from two paragraphs in front, that everyone is dripping wet from the rain. So, coming back to the topic, Owen got electrocuted, and grabbed on to Cleon, who got then electrocuted and grabbed on to Neal, who got electrocuted and grabbed...... you get the point. The process kept going until it reached the stage where practically every man in the room got electrocuted (we ladies of course never do anything to wreck our own image) all that was left standing was Alanna, Keladry and Daine - and of course Faithful who is desperately trying to work out some sort of magic or spell to repair his tail. For once, the Miss Tortall Beauty Pageant has able achieve absolutely silence. After a quick vote - of anybody still fit enough and willing to watch the rest of the Beauty Pageant after the few 'misfortunes' - it was decided that Numair is to retire from his judges position as seeing he is not fit to control himself properly. This in turn, provided a new question. Who is going to replace him? Neal and Cleon desperately wanted to, but they didn't seem to have the potential to do it. (it can be true, it can be not, but who is daring enough to question a statement put forth by our new host?) Just as the Miss Tortall Organising Committee was running out of ideas, a heavenly voice boomed: "Why don't you let me be the judge? I have never judged before, and I would certainly like to." Everyone gasped and looked up to see golden light shining from and around a god sitting on a throne in mid-air. Everyone stood up and bowed to the figure. "Great god Mithros." They all said. Mithros grinned. He stood up and walked (rather 'floated') to Numair's old seat at the Judges Stand and sat down. Then looked up to see Faithful staring at him. "What's up Faithful?" "I don't get why are you here." Mithros' eyes twinkled. "Well, I heard that there was a Beauty Pageant happening in Corus so I was reasonably interested. That's why I invited you to tea, Faithful, to discuss what is going to happen at this Beauty Pageant. But then you turned me down-" at this Mithros suddenly looked sad, and looked rather like Lord Wyldon before he screamed that he wanted to quit "So I got really interested, and decided to watch you guys from the Divine Realms. I saw you all getting troubled over finding a judge, so I thought I might as well volunteer." Mithros started grinning again. Jonathon nodded in approval. "Yep, I think it is a good idea. I mean, the King of Gods, the King of Tortall and the King of Thieves all judging for this!" George nodded too. "Yes, the great King judges! King of Gods, King of Thieves and King of Tortall. Excellent combination." "NO!!" yelled Jonathon, turning to George, "It's King of Tortall, THEN King of Thieves" "NO!!!!!!! YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG!!!!!!!!!!" yelled back George, "It's King of Thieves, THEN King of Tortall." "King of TORTALL!" "King of THIEVES!!" "TORTALL!!!" "THIEVES!!!!" "TORTALL!!!!" "THIEVES!!!!!!!!!!!!" "TORTALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "BE QUIET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared a very angry-and-upset-and-annoyed Mithros. "Stop argueing or I'll kick you two out. Just leave it." Mithros looked at Faithful. "On with the show Faithful, ignore the two if anything happens again, I'll take care of them." Upon the last phrase, Jon and George gulped in fear. Faithful grinned in which ever way it was possible for a cat to grin, started interviewing Daine. "So pretty girl, tell me about about yourself." Daine smiled, making Faithful feel as if he was floating in heaven. "Well Faithful darling," as this Faithful smiled happily while Numair glared at him, "You see, my father was a, well, god. But my mother was a mortall you see." Faithful nodded knowingly, "and well, it was so hard for my mother..." at this Daine burst out crying. Mithros, who absolutely couldn't stand pretty girls crying, comforted her by magicing an exact copy of Faithful in front of her. "There you go, Daine," Mithros said kindly, "Now you have your very own Faithful to keep you company all the time!! Oh, yes, of course you can name him anything you like." he added. Daine smiled again and battered her eyelashes at Mithros. Mithros blushed and grinned back. Faithful and Numair glared at Daine (they were to cowardly to glare at Mithros. He was afterall, King of Gods). Daine turned to kitten in front of her. Suddenly she frowned. Mithros, upon seeing this, immediately asked, "Is there something wrong Daine? Or is it that you don't like it?" Daine quickly shook her head. "No, I really like it, but I would love it if it was a little different to Faithful. I like unique things you see." Mithros nodded quickly. "Tell me what you want it to be like Daine darling, and I'll change for you." "Well, let's see. I want it to be white.........And have orange eyes!!!" "ORANGE EYES??!?!?!" chorused the audience. "Uh-huh," nodded Daine. "HOW DISGUS-" the audience immediately stopped after receiving a death glare from Mithros. Mithros turned back to Daine smiled sweetly. "Your wish is my command, m'lady." and with a trail of golden fire from his finger, the kitten had transformed into a gorgeous white cat with orange eyes. "Oh how CUTE!!!!!!" screamed Daine excitedly, "Oh I love you sweetie!!!" and started kissing and hugging the kitten. Within ten seconds, the whole audience had decided what their next birthday wish was gonna be - to turn into Daine's pet cat - who Daine had named Fearless. Daine, who had suddenly remembered to thank Mithros, smiled sweetly at Mithros and blew him a passionate kiss, which made Mithros feel like he was flying ABOVE heaven. *a/n: ok, that was weak, but I mean, Mithros already goes around floating all day, so I suppose he needed to fly a bit, and he basically rules heaven (the Divine Realms) so I think that it would be alot more better if he was, like, above heaven?* Faithful, who had decided that he had really seen enough of Daine flirting with Mithros, said to Daine, "Wow, Miss Daine, you certainly had a tough time. But why don't we see if our next contestant, had a harder like herself? Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please put your hands together for.....Miss Varice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Audience claps and cheers as Daine walks to join Alanna and Kel. Miss Varice walks on stage, suddenly Fearless jumped from Daine's arms and ran toward Varice, stopping right in front of Varice's foot, tripping her. Oof!!! Lady Varice had landed flat on her face.

Next Contestant Please...