| Tamora Pierce Bloopers : Alanna *the mess-ups the books doesn't mention* Written by Lady of the Wolves |
| ~The Woman Who Rides Like A Man~ Alanna is bathing in oasis; Coram is standing behind bushes. He leans against them and they fall over, he falls into the water. Alanna: You pervert! Coram covers his eyes, screaming, and Alanna runs offstage. ************* George comes running down the stairs to greet Alanna. Coming into sight, he smiles, then trips and falls on his face. Alanna: Ha ha ha ha! Alanna leans on wall, laughing hysterically. Coram and Rispah laugh too. George: Shut up! Shut up! Everyone, including Faithful, continues to laugh. George storms out, blushing. George: I will be in my trailer! ************* Halef: Then hold out your arm. Halef Seif cuts Alanna to initiate her into the Bazhir tribe Alanna: What the !#@#$*? That hurt, you loser! Alanna chases Halef offstage screaming her war cry. Halef: Someone constrain that insane woman! ************ Jon and Alanna are in bed the first night Jonathan and Myles arrived. Jon: Come {back to Corus} as my betrothed. The tent is silent. Alanna: Okay! She and Jon begin to make out. Director: No no! Alanna, stop it! Sheesh, I quit! *************** Halef Seif asks Alanna to go to his friend, the sorceress. Halef: I would go to her myself, but my duties do not permit such freedom- Alanna: I’ll think about it. Alanna turns and pretends to think. Alanna: No! Director laughs, and Halef stomps off. Halef: I can’t work like this! *************** Ishak is using the crystal sword without permission. Ishak:....I want the power! Alanna: You.... Ishak draws the sword, holding it high. He stares as her expectantly. Alanna: Um...what was my line again? Laughs from offstage. **************** Halef Seif is about to pick up the crystal sword, Alanna tells him not to. Halef Seif (to Ibn Nazzir): You knew this? Ibn Nazzir: Who, me? Halef and Alanna laugh, Ibn looks confused. Ibn: What? Did I say something? **************** Hakim and Alanna are fighting. Alanna raps him hard on the head with her dagger hilt. Hakim blacks out and the dagger flies off the hilt. Alanna: @#$% it! Why does this keep happening? Who made this cheap dagger? Alanna walks offstage, mumbling. Alanna: By the Goddess, I’ll sue! ************** Alanna is introducing Coram. Alanna: This is Coram Smythesin? What’s your last name? Coram: I changed your diapers, missy! Alanna hits him. Alanna: You pervert! Alanna chases him offstage. ************* George and Thom are talking. Thom: You can’t imagine what a pleasure it is for me to have my sister’s-friend-come to visit. George:Why not call me Alanna’s lover, and be honest about it? Thom: What?! I had no idea she was-involved with someone like you! In fact- Thom opens his robe, smiling in a flirtatious way. George gasps and closes his eyes. Thom: I was hoping we could-um-get together, maybe? George screams and runs offstage, followed by Thom, who is laughing. ************* Alanna and Jon are fighting when he orders to prepare Moonlight as well his horses. (about marriage) Jon: I suppose George Cooper’s more to your taste- Alanna: You know about him and me? Jon: WHAT?!?! Alanna: Oh, nothing, ha ha? Laughs from offstage. Alanna walks off, Jon following. Jon: WHAT about you and him? ************* ~Lioness Rampant~ Alanna and company are returning to Tortall with the Dominian Jewel, they are staying at an inn and Alanna is resting. There is a knock on the door and Alanna opens it. Maid: Excuse me, miss or lady, but this gentleman insisted that he see you. Raoul: Praise Mithros, it IS you! Raoul tries to hug Alanna. Alanna: Get away from me! Darn, I thought I had gotten rid of you! Raoul: What’s wrong? Alanna: Take a bath sometime! Raoul starts to cry and runs offstage, followed by Alanna, who is holding her nose, chanting: B.O.! B.O.! Raoul has B.O.! Director: Alanna, so help me.... *************** Delia and her lovely *cough cough* band of friends are talking in a private room. Shr produces a piece of parchment at Claw angrily. It shows a picture of Claw. Claw(reading aloud):Wa-wa-anted buh-by muh-muh-myuh-I give up! Whhhaaaaa I can’t read! Claw starts to cry. Alex impatiently snatches it away and reads it. Alex: Wanted by my Lord Pr-pro-heck with it! I can’t read either! Delia grabs the paper. Delia: I’m surrounded by idiots! Delia: Wanted by my Lord Provost For treason against the corn of Tortall-Hey, isn’t this supposed to be crown? Offstage, the writers are laughing their heads off. Director: Back to work, you morons! ************* Alanna and Josiane are fighting. Josiane jumps on Faithful and he yowls. Faithful(to Alanna): I’m dying! Call a doctor! Alanna: Good riddance, you old fleabag. Cat food is expensive and you eat like a hog! I mean, um, that is.... Faithful: Get my lawyer on the phone! ************* Eleni and Thayet are piercing Alanna’s ears and she faints. They wake her up and laugh. Alanna: I want....my mommyyyyyy..... Alanna starts to bawl. Alanna: Mommy! Whhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaa.... Thayet: Shut up, you big lug. ************** Roger and Alanna are involved in their last duel. Alanna:....Jon’s stopping you with some of your OWN Gift. Roger: So that’s why I didn’t have enough to bring this comedy to an early finish. It doesn’t matter. Alanna: It DOES matter. There are no more chances for you, Roger. You’ve bought an ugly death on Traitor’s Hill. When it’s over, I PERSONALLY will scatter your ashes on the wind! Roger:You think I left any of this to chance, dear one? I- Roger starts to laugh hysterically. Alanna: Sigh. Roger: I’m sorry....I’m sorry...it just... Roger starts to laugh again, dropping to his knees. Alanna: Make him stop! Director: Come on Roger! ************ Alanna and Roger *same thing as above* Roger: So that’s why I didn’t have enough to bring this comedy to an early finish. It doesn’t matter. Alanna: It DOES matter. There are no more chances for you, Roger. You’ve bought an ugly death on Traitor’s Hill. When it’s over, I PERSONALLY will scatter- Roger: Ha ha ha ha ha! Roger falls over laughing again, crying cause he’s laughing so hard. Alanna: What the @$%^&*! is so funny?? Arg! She goes over and kicks Roger, who is still laughing. ************** Alanna and Roger *same as above again* Roger: So that’s why I didn’t have enough to bring this comedy to an early finish. It doesn’t matter. Alanna: It DOES matter. There are no more chances for you, Roger. You’ve bought an ugly death on Traitor’s Hill. When it’s over,- Roger: You’ll put on clown shoes and do an Irish dance! Roger starts laughing again, he falls to the floor and beats his fists against it as the tears stream down his face as he howls with laughter. Alanna throws up her hands angrily. Alanna: I can’t work like this! I WON’T work like this! I will be in my trailer! Director: Get him off that stage! ************* Alanna is wondering about George on Beltane when the Goddess appears. Goddess: We meet again, my daughter. You have- Alanna:Where did you get that makeup?!?! Goddess: What? Alanna: Like how many plastic surgeries have you had? Goddess: Well, fifty-two, but don’t tell- Thayet appears in the doorway. Thayet(yelling to everyone in the palace): THE GODDESS HAS HAD 52 PLASTIC SURGERIES!!!!! Goddess: Hey,don’t go giving away my secrets! Director: Why do I put up with this? Why?! ************* Alanna has returned to Corus and and goes up to the wall where Roger is. Roger:So you survived. What a pity. Alanna: Hello, Roger. You look pale. Not enough time in the sun? Roger: You’re-I love you, Alanna! Roger grabs Alanna and they make out. Director: That forsaken woman is such a #*(&#%(Q#!!! ************ Buri leaves Alanna to take care of the baby. Alanna is holding him awkwardly, and he begins to bawl. Alanna: A little help here? She turns him around and drops him, making him scream. Alanna: Um...whoops? Director: Alanna, that is the fourth baby you’ve dropped? Do we need to get out the doll? Everyone else is laughing silently. Alanna (sarcastically): Ha ha, very funny. ************ Coram is telling Alanna how to change a diaper and cooing to the baby. Alanna wonders about Coram, how he could have had a family. Coram: Don’t start sayin’ maybe ye should bring me home to Rispah. We’ve somethin’ to do before we head back. I’ve been raisn’ ye. I’ve no complaints of my life. Alanna:Really? Coram: Yes...because....I AM your father!!!! Alanna: NO!! It’s isn’t true! Coram: Aye, lass, it is! Alanna: No!!! I don’t want gray hair at age forty! Coram(toughing his head): Hey! *************** The Doi woman is reading Alanna’s palm. Mi-chi: Gasp! Alanna: What is it?!?! Mi-chi: You’re-you’re Alanna: What am I? Mi-chi: You’re-you’re you- Alanna: What the $!@&($!$ am I?!?! Thayet :A loser! Liam: A slut! Coram: A freak! Buri: Standing on my foot! Everyone but Alanna laughs. Alanna: By the- Mi-chi: Actually, I was going to say that you’re pregnant! Alanna faints, so does Liam. ************* Alanna is battling with Chitral for the Dominian Jewel. She is getting tired and her muscles hurt. She lunges and thrusts in with her sword, Chitral counters with his weapon, and as they connect the sword breaks. Alanna stares at it for a second and Chitral starts laughing. Alanna: AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!! Alanna starts to jump up and down on the blade. Alanna: I am so freakin’ sick of that happening!!!! Who made this crummy thing anyway? She examines the hilt and sees the words: MADE IN CHINA Alanna: Where the $#(*@$)! is China?!? Laughs from offstage. Alanna throws down the hilt and walks off, muttering. Alanna: China hasn’t heard the last from me! ************** |